eatnik
@eatnik
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online therapy journal. fascinated by narcissism. taking anonymous feedback at the link
Australia
Joined April 2009
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The hole
in retrospect it's pretty fucked up that you can just say to people "hey you know that hole at the center of your being" and they'll just be like "oh yeah the hole, i know exactly what you mean, love that hole, one of my favorite holes"
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Sensitive, intelligent people who learnt to repress their true selves and have constructed a strong defensive false self. Lacking a solid model of unconditional love on which to base their self worth, it is based instead on anxious attachment to their own intelligence.
i think there's something like a grand unified theory of "burned out gifted kid syndrome" that hasn't been fully articulated yet. at least not anywhere that i know of
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I have a frustration which is: I've got friends who are big balls of insecurity and triggered responses who live in their own fantasy worlds, but they have stable partners and good jobs and lives they enjoy, and I'm like how come I have to *heal* in order to have nice things?
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How come no-one told me the move from insecure to secure attachment would feel bad?
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"all girls/all boys" = your crush
"all women/all men" = your significant ex
"people" = the internalised voice of your mother
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@selentelechia
I think it's mainly the lack of shame response in kids that helps. They don't know to be embarassed that they're making mistakes, and adults are chill about correcting them, so there's no critical superego hampering them :)
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For me insecure was a dream of perfection, a perfect connection. Moving to secure means having to give that up. Means realising I'll have to forgive someone else's faults so they'll in return forgive mine - which means admitting I have some.
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Anxious attachment carries with it the dream of salvation. It's bleak without the dream.
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I keep looking at all the messy imperfect connections in my life and getting the ick but I think I'm realising a secure attachment is never going to feel as good as the perfect one my anxious attachment imagined.
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Sick of therapists advertising themselves as "kind, caring, compassionate".
I want "grumpy fuck who knows themselves inside and out and can handle all your shit".
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internet men: I force myself to wake at 5 am! I force myself to workout! I will myself to avoid masturbating! I OVERCOME MY TERRIBLE INNER INSTINCTS TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS
aella: I force myself to have a gangbang
internet men: wait no not like that
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I feel weird about receiving compassion because that's what you give people you think are beneath you.
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I made a boundary and I kept it and the other person noticed and asked about it so I explained to them what I did and why and possibly they'll never speak to me again but can I have a clap for me and my personal growth anyway?
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@bobsredmilf
I say this to myself daily:
Have you tried doing the dishes about the problem
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@RichDecibels
I think of true self and false self as states of being. True self is I have turned off the self assessing part of my brain, I am safe that anything I say or do is ok. False self is having to constantly think "what do I need to say in order to project the image I want/need to".
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I can see the first glimmers of deep okayness.
Other people have all these cool stories of meditation journeys and awakenings.
For me it's been a year of emotional screaming crying throwing up, painstakingly identifying all the things I was clinging to and then letting them go
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Good god this.
This nuance is always missing in "I hate small talk" "what's the point of small talk" discourse.
the depth of a conversation depends on how deeply seen you feel, not on the topic of conversation
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@gospelofchange
More like you dream of not having hiccups and all the wonders that will ensure when you don't have the hiccups, and when the hiccups finally stop you realise nothing has changed except you no longer have the hiccups?
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Spent the weekend with a friend and, sadly, the vibes are off. I just feel uncomfortable in their presence, conversations feel adversarial, I hear them deeply criticise others for traits I know I have.
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Hey real quick before I work on myself - does anyone want to marry me insane?
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@eatnik
@QiaochuYuan
Alice Miller wasn't using 'gifted' the way tpot does. Might still be relevant, but reader beware
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I feel like so much of the sex discourse on Twitter assumes that sex is the point.
Sex is rarely the point.
Meeting emotional needs - intimacy, safety, validation, connection - is the point, sex is just a method.
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Tbh there's a big difference in life when you assume everyone likes you and when you assume everyone is waiting to tear you apart.
hm there's a big difference in writing when you assume everyone likes you and when you assume everyone is waiting to tear you apart
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When I'm super grumpy it feels *awful* shifting into being happier. Like every fibre of my being resists it and hates everyone who tries to cheer me up.
Why?
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@grantbels
Me: "I'm so unhappy at work"
My therapist: "That's because you don't like your job"
Me: "... oh"
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Anxious attachment carries with it the dream of salvation. It's bleak without the dream.
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For aaaaaages I've been thinking, I don't need to meditate, I need the opposite of meditation. I need to be in my feelings and to feel them, I am already SO aware of my thoughts.
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Unstable situationships with men who who need to be convinced they're lovable.
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Is there an option for "we're honest about how annoying you are but it doesn't affect how much we love you and will care for you?"
Jane Austen has a great bit in Emma where she demonstrates the importance of polite fictions
there's this character called Miss Bates who was born into wealth and class but is now a poor spinster who relies on the kindness of others
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I'm at a two day wedding and at the end of the first evening this cute Italian waiter just walked up to me, passed me a lit joint, said "see you tomorrow" with a wink, and left.
What an opening move.
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My therapist often remarks on my intense desire to be fully understood, and my constant frustrations that I don't think he (or anyone else) "gets" me.
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is this the common factor across tpot?
in retrospect it's pretty fucked up that you can just say to people "hey you know that hole at the center of your being" and they'll just be like "oh yeah the hole, i know exactly what you mean, love that hole, one of my favorite holes"
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Ladies, your man has a girl he never got over and he is only with you because you remind him of her in one way or another, but you will never be her and he will never love you like he loved her and he will always compare you in his mind to her and will always think he downgraded
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ahh is this how women can sense when a guy at the bar wants to hit on them
>gazelles can sense when a lion is contracting its attention (and so do humans)
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When I turn someone down, and they take it well, I immediately like them more.
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Mmm I just realised that I used to think I was better than everyone else and that delusion kept me happy, then like 18 months ago that delusion shattered quite suddenly and I've been depressed pretty much ever since.
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And the bits from this article that are resonating with me are all about that, how my thoughts already feel so distinct. If I'd really pushed meditation I might have ended up in psychosis.
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I think most self help books are for people with strong narcissistic traits in their personality organisation.
If you had a different personality organisation, you'd trust other people enough to take their advice in life rather than learning it yourself from a book.
i mentioned "the drama of the gifted child" to my doctor friend and she said "oh that's the narcissism book we recommend it to every narcissist so they can start to understand themselves"
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Parnas, Josef; Moller, Paul; Kircher, Tilo; Thalbitzer, Jorgen; Jansson, Lennart; Handest, Peter; Zahavi, Dan (September 2005). "EASE: Examination of Anomalous Self-Experience" (PDF). Psychopathology. 38 (5): 236-258. doi:10.1159/000088441. PMID 16179811. S2CID 28066244.
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I don't like the notion of self sabotage or being your own saboteur because it implies you want bad outcomes for yourself, that you're a bad person who's wanting to harm yourself. It's always about protection. You're preventing something that will hurt you in some way.
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@AskYatharth
I think this about all the mourning rituals we've lost. Like we developed these rituals that helped us deal with death so it doesn't fuck up our social relations ... but now we don't do them.
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Thinking of getting into doing stuff, anyone got recommendations for good stuff to do?
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Learning a complex physical skill has taught me more about learning complex mental skills than learning complex mental skills ever has.
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Some people have main character energy.
I have narrator energy.
Omnipotent. Omniscient. Totally divorced from the action.
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Me receiving negative feedback: "they're projecting"
Me receiving positive feedback: "they see me, they really see me"
Me when other people's posts blow up: "lol ppl like the most random shit"
Me when my posts blow up: "ahh yes, the world sees that I speak the divine truth of the universe"
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Starting to think Freud was less weird about sex than the people who came after him who thought his thoughts about sex were weird.
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Venturing outside of tpot is a great way to remind yourself why you're in tpot.
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You think secure attachment will fix you? How very insecurely attached of you.
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A male friend of mine once told me about how when his wife had a shit day, he'd run a bath for her and as she soaked he'd gently wash her hair and I have been thinking about it for like 15 years 💕
read that reddit post about a man almost crying because his gf very gently & sweetly bathed him non sexually & shampooed his hair & being doted on like that made him super emotional and it imprinted on my brain like that’s all i ever wanna do w a lover now
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I met a woman at JessCamp, and from almost the first instant I had the sense that she could see into my soul. I would love to understand the what and the why of that sensation.
(I don't think she's on Twitter)
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18 months ago in Thailand I had a long Thai massage that released *something* in my neck/shoulder region and for the 5-6 days afterwards I felt like I could stand straight for the first time in my life. It was extraordinary, and sadly I've never found anyone able to replicate it.
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@nomanautomata
I want a therapist who isn't going to get offended or patronising when I lash out at them.
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@goblinodds
200 years ago it was "poor people are bad people" then we realised they aren't.
100 years ago "gay people are bad people".
30 years ago "fat people are bad".
Today "people with personality disorders are bad".
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Listening to a short video on how to feel your feelings and step 1 is "raise your feeling to the surface" and I'm lost already.
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Currently writing my therapist a devastating critique of his inability to sit with my feelings.
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Knowledge of how to do a physical skill is no substitute for practicing doing the physical skill.
(Sure, obvious.)
Knowledge of how to do a mental skill is no substitute for practicing doing the mental skill.
(Less obvious.)
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For years I never said what I was thinking because I thought it would be misunderstood, so it's a great relief to get on this website and share what I'm thinking and have it constantly be misunderstood.
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Me when other people's posts blow up: "lol ppl like the most random shit"
Me when my posts blow up: "ahh yes, the world sees that I speak the divine truth of the universe"
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I kinda disagree with the idea that you can ruin a life.
People are so scared of making One Big Mistake that would ruin them that they freeze and shy away from the good risks.
In reality most people ruin their lives bit by bit, making many small, visionless, reactive decisions every day that in the end add up into something unbearable.
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I dreamt I forgave an ex.
I also dreamt that I slowly and deliberately went through my 100+ Chrome tabs open on my phone and closed them.
Big night in bed.
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My therapist today was suggesting I try loving kindness meditation, and my strong physical response was "ugh why do I have to love myself, can't I just find someone else to love me?"
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I'm currently worried that because I met some people I vibed with at JessCamp, I'm making those who didn't vibe with anyone feel bad.
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@adamliaw
I made a Fight Club reference at work recently, then began to explain to the 20-something team members "so there was this movie called Fight Club..." and the 20-something team members said "we thought the first rule of Fight Club was that you didn't talk about Fight Club".
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I don't really like conceptualising trauma as damage. I think of it as skills I haven't learnt yet.
Like oh, you didn't learn that people are safe as a child? Cool, you can learn that as an adult.
Like, you can learn to swim as an adult.
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People are good, actually.
Tell me your most radical position that cannot be placed on the left-right political spectrum
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@positive_loop
Lean in and accept that it already has become a tragedy of unfulfilled ambition and potential. Grieve it hard and fully. Then you'll be free of its chokehold and you'll find yourself un-paralysed.
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Read this interesting article yesterday from saying personality disorders are ways of unstable mental architectures protecting themselves from stimuli that cause more instability.
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@visakanv
@parakeetnebula
They want you to see them as the kind of person who would do X, but might not actually want to do X.
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Sometimes reading male clinicians reports of borderline patients really feels like "but I'm the fancy important doctor how dare she not like me back".
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I'm so jealous of people who poast all I'm capable of is being earnest
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I really wish it were like "saving the planet" but we are who we are.
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"This thing is BAD!"
No my friend that thing is ADAPTIVE and you'll never be able to change it unless you understand what it's achieving.
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This feels like a very accurate appraisal of why people are mean to narcissists:
@forthrighter
@eatnik
it's hard to care about someone for any meaningful length of time when they're literally incapable of caring about you. feels like throwing your care and effort into a hole. need *some* reciprocity to maintain connection
depressed people still care about your emotional state.
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Hey
@RichDecibels
are you soliciting JessCamp feedback? Because I would love a place to tell you that your rizz is unparalleled.
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