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@Actualwebutante

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2,166
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688
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523
Statuses
10,921

processing trauma faster than a tachyon

hugboxxing in the arena
Joined December 2020
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
I am soft and sensitive and implacable, all the slightest pressures sets me off, sometimes the weight of gravity is too much as I lie on the floor, amazed that this messy thing can hold such power over others
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
it’s so much easier to emotionally regulate in a relationship when you’re having regular skin to skin contact
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
fucking your life up with a big move is one of the best things you can do for it if you’re unhappy where you’re at Literally just uproot that shit
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
less meaning, more cleaning I find that a lot of people do all of this insane stuff searching for meaning, guided meditation, $$$ spiritual journeys, drugs, introspection, introspection, and more introspection. One of the things that helped me the most is simply cleaning.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
one of things I struggle with the most in female social dynamics is when a hangout is scheduled with an activity, and instead of doing the activity at all, we just stick to conversation
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
It’s psychically damaging to love someone long distance. You’re fragmenting the psyche to keep the hope of a narrative alive. You lose sense of self and clarity to playing verbal house. Your world becomes tamagotchi, grip on reality tenuous, with one foot in a pretend future
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
screaming crying throwing up
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
When boys start dating you they get this terrifying, but non life threatening illness which prevents them from taking good photos of you
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
7 months
I felt fundamentally more secure in my ability to navigate difficult situations after my first psychotic break down at 19. There’s a degree of gamification that comes in every interaction after that which says “none of this actually matters when you can survive at the bottom”
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
@gptbrooke I have a real issue remembering that I love the person I’m talking to if they’re not in the room with me It’s like… because I’m the only one in the room I can only focus on my feelings, and the empathy that would be prompted in seeing their gaze is dissipated
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
I tried to tell my mom about the break up and she said “well we absolutely adored him so it must have been something you did. Lets not tell anyone else for now”
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
It helps me confront my shame head on. My mom works as a housecleaner. Finding comfort and calm through the act of deep cleaning helped put pieces in to focus. It’s accepting life’s path and the march of responsibilities. It’s accepting actions and people as they are.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
thinking a lot about how when I told my mom I was engaged to my now ex-fiancé, she just said “oh” and after a 5 second pause she said “you’ll never have the life you want with him”
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
a family vacation to Moline, Illinois to visit the John Deere factory we didn’t take vacations ever, and this was a big deal on this trip my grandmother had a stroke and my grandfather had a blood clot and heart attack within an hour of each other
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
when you unlock one of the dominoes of intergenerational trauma and finally see things so clearly that your body unclenches a chronic pain
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
you want me to hold you like a mother babying her son and in the same breath respect you as a strong man? Sorry bud you get one
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
This is because my mother didn’t breastfeed me
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
my ex fiancée’s refusal to speak to me was both the most brutal and kindest thing he could have done for me
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
ran into my ex fiance and his new girlfriend on the metro, locked eyes with her and he refused to acknowledge me now feels like a good time for a drink
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
Smart enough to know I’m not smart enough 😭
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
change those routines and patterns, disrupt your social circle (or lack thereof). It can create a new personality in you as you break you’re old shitty habits as you’re forced to grapple with new conditions and create new neural pathways
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
I came to play cards, or I came for a hike, or we were supposed to clean your kitchen. I am here for the activity, I don’t know how to relate like this
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
female manipulators be like: the pain I caused him was a catalyst for transformative growth
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
7 months
If she’s asking you, not telling, “should we breakup?” 98% chance she’s looking for direction and confirmation because she’s overwhelmed, not because she actually wants to
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
Doing my job has been meditation. Caring for someone else is meditation. Helping my aging grandfather up the stairs is mediation, and staying calm on the face of fights with my family is mediation.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
women have sex on dimensions most men can’t even fathom
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
I’ve seen people grasping for all sorts of answers that seem failure mode for people too afraid to sit with themselves and the simplicity of life to look the real path to enlightenment in the eye.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
It reminds me of this tweet actually
@ElodesNL
Still Elodes
8 months
my parents have a kind of praxis where they approach chores or labour as having near-zero cost; time will pass anyway so you mightas well spend it improving your dinner, your home, your life. I respect it a lot; it inspires me. this week I will try to make this attitude my own.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
ran into my ex fiance and his new girlfriend on the metro, locked eyes with her and he refused to acknowledge me now feels like a good time for a drink
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
7 months
I regret to inform you that he is, in fact, fixing me
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
My grandfather, normally so buttoned up and reserved, has turned into an ABSOLUTE HORN DOG for my grandmother hopped up open OxyContin after hip surgery
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
your heart gets caught up in what ifs, it never feels that you had a true chance to start, you’re looking over your shoulder trying to get out from the constant pain of it but never quite willing to let go
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
time freezes, it starts again a week at a time with visits, nothing goes according to plan, you’re squeezing a months worth of soft whispers and bickering and love into the time you have and the clock is running down again, you separate and you resume the Toy Story farce again
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
What they don't tell you about being emotionally stunted is that when you first start trying to care as an adult when you first start learning all the things you're supposed to do to remind people you love them, that it's SO FUCKING DIFFICULT emotionally regulating for two
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
@pugnacious_polk
Pugnacious Polk
6 months
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
My favorite pastime is having 20,000 people witness me process a break up
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
When I first got into tpot, we made friends differently. You’d become a mutual and you’d go through their page and like whatever was good from the last few days. People don’t really do that anymore.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
WhoreHole tickets are live, tickets include 5 days, 4 nights of shared lodging, food, and transportation from either Reykjavik or Akureyri aiports to the event.
@cauliflwr_human
cauli
7 months
So excited for WhoreHole (tpot camp in Iceland organized by @Actualwebutante ). I wonder when tickets will go on sale.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
@Logoscultus The discipline and wisdom not to peak behind the curtain is indeed a sign of intelligence.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
All of your excess energy, every bit of it a true romantic, turns the puzzle over. How to make this work? How can I put a smile on their face today? When does this end? You don’t want it to be the creative energy suck it is but you sacrifice to it at an altar for love anyway
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
I’m a the only, *only* support system (and certainly the only (albeit struggling) female presence) in a number of men’s lives Some have deeply hurt me, a few that have even assaulted me. All of it forgiven It’s difficult to see things be misconstrued, but the pain here is real
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
you want me to hold you like a mother babying her son and in the same breath respect you as a strong man? Sorry bud you get one
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
acting on the expectation of delayed happiness is not happiness itself
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
hey look ma I’m famous
@WomenPostingLs
Women Posting L’s
9 months
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
my grandmother always had visions of traveling when she was older, when they were retired, when they had the money, she wanted to see more than Appalachia this was the first vacation she’s been on in 20 some years her stroke limited her ability to talk and walk for a while
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
Bpd girlies love popping zits because it combines their two favorite things (hurting men and fidgeting)
@CrazyFrogBing
100Becs
5 months
These are better than the bubble pop fidget toys
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
Ended at a Turkish restaurant with me pulling out two and a half weeks early and him saying “You are a miserable person. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. You are not good, and I damn well know”
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
going to visit my ex abroad for three weeks to find closure, ama
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
@patmcculloch I’ll start slowly pulling the pieces out out and laying out the board to add a bit of situational comedy
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
@visakanv maybe we can have two book clubs: one about the book and one where the book is a token reason to tell people you’re getting together
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
11 months
so apparently this ambulance ride in Germany wasn’t free (they assured me twice on the phone and in person it would be) does anyone know if debts sent to foreign collections affects your home country’s credit?
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
having a fully embodied experience
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
when she finally was able to move around again, she started menopause (it was a fun time being in that house with (1) disabled autistic man, my uncle (1) woman going through “the change” ™️, a teen girl going through “the other change” ™️، and my grandpa
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
having a fully embodied experience
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
unrealized dreams don’t disappear, they just stay and curdle the heart, it’s why pragmatists are sour so late in life
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
Family had a big blow out fight, but then a multi hour healing conversation. I led it with some of the skills I’ve learned about communication from this community and from some of you personally. I really appreciate all of the growth this year. I love you guys. ♥️
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
I hit $10k in my bank account for the first time ever, & there’s something really cool about healing from money trauma where I wanted to spend everything as soon as I had it A chunk of this is immediately going back into Whorehole but I’m still feeling a lot of self appreciation
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
“hey Jack (Jacquelyn), I have to pee and I need you to come hold something” “have you seen my sexy girlfriend? I hope I get to see what’s under her shirt later” They have been married 56 years
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
okay hear me out bpd is when you turn your favorite person into your comfort object and fetishize their attention of you
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
@zzzygote I could never (but watch me fumble as I bring as much softness to conflict as a series of cascading plates on a flight of stairs, a mariachi band, and all the lights of Times Square combined into one flashlight 🙃)
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
all of the girls in my college sorority have gotten married to women in the last year, what does it mean?
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
going to visit my ex abroad for three weeks to find closure, ama
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
don’t look at it too hard you’ll realize the toys are moving an have an agency of their own, we can’t play pretend if we don’t agree how to move the tools around remember?
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
it taught me consequence of action, it forced me to grow up, to face my capacity for cruelty, to appreciate what I didn’t know about relationships, and to examine the way I treated love of myself and other.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
I’ve signed up for grad school classes, scheduled my therapy and DBT group sessions in New York, found an Arabic language coffee group, possibly found a bass teacher, writing in my journal and starting each morning reading and meditating on metta 📈
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
11 months
do you think the Mormons on this flight will mind my light reading?
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 month
women aren’t allowed to be happy or joyous in public because it’s experienced as an invitation from men you get all these women as bitchy cynics because it’s the only way they can keep their boundaries strong in the face of your hungry ass eyes
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
3 months
I used to wait for my dad on the front porch stoop all weekend in a sleeping bag for his visitation weekends. About half the time he “forgot”, was too high, or pointedly neglected me. Anyway, I now have intense abandonment trauma that causes me to crazy cling when people leave
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
There is no room for anger in your life If you *truly* hate someone you should be apathetic of them. If you’re arguing with them, you’re still trying to connect; therefore the best thing to do is to examine why you’re doing it, and transform that relationship if necessary
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
3 months
help help help help help please help I am self destructing and ruining all of my relationships help
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
when you unlock one of the dominoes of intergenerational trauma and finally see things so clearly that your body unclenches a chronic pain
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
once I get over my desire to crush her soul and prove my social dominance, I have a lot of empathy for her
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
He framed me breaking my arm wrestling with my dad and getting hurt being pushed too hard down a hill on a bicycle as physical abuse due to neglect/carelessness It felt like someone finally listened, & the urge to exaggerate/perform/speak in a particular way to be heard subsided
@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
i went to my first therapy session and it was nice
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
What if your desire to help the world is a yearn to be needed by it?
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
whitepill on human suffering? pain as a catalyst for transformation
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
I once moved in with person who had sexually assaulted me before I was ready to heal from it, so that I could be closer to this person I was deeply infatuated with Anyway, that’s not the point of this thread, this is: my deep desire to be loved and equanimous really hurt me
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
14 days
self portrait, birthday
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
17 days
self portrait, my inner adult wears a whimsy
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
trying to emotionally regulate all sad men
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
my sister called me in the midst of a breakup. I immediately noticed how she was retelling the story the same struggles, chaos, & dysfunctions I have come to recognize in myself I have never had a stronger desire to love myself, so that I can show her the path and save her pain
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
Okiedoke I’m going on lock! Submitted an important grad school application and don’t want to to disturb any forces. Wish me luck 🤞
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
@flybottlemist thank you 👏, I’m not refusing to take care of my partners, I’m refusing to have my boundaries stepped over again and again because you need your child self met, I am not your actually mommy, I am allowed to have my own personhood separate from comforting you
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
they don’t even live here! this is my city!!!
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
my grandfather was a traveling salesman selling housing siding out of his car, he was laid off during the recession two years before he was supposed to receive his pension he hadn’t put any money into his own retirement long car rides had always worn his body out
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
@BenRatkaj Something about this is incomplete
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
3 months
It’s way easier to blanket statement say I’m a broken unloveable person than it is to recognize there’s progress to be made and I just haven’t made it yet
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
curious that women abused as children at 33% more likely to be raped in adulthood -is it risk taking behavior putting them in dangerous situations as emotional cope to earlier abuse? -under defined signals of dangerous people/situations? -promiscuity as a form of safety?
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
8 months
if this boyfriend doesn’t work out I’m just pulling up the roster of exes who are still single because I don’t think I can handle learning the ins and outs of another person again
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
@Grimezsz Has millions of dollars, still has a room like a college student
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
A community of *predominantly men* is a safe place to be for women who have difficulty communicating with other women. Especially when those women feel safer surrounding themselves with male attention.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
10 months
for a while after, the pendulum swung too far the other way and I bent over backwards to make people happy at expense of myself (even when they didn’t always ask for it). It felt like doing penance, paying my tithes, flogging in the streets.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
3 months
It’s important to determine if you’re values aligned or emotions aligned Values ppl will choose in accordance with their desired outcomes even if it’s makes them feel like shit Emotions ppl will choose what “feels right” regardless of whether or not it is possible
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
7 months
self portrait; I have recovered from jet lag and am enjoying the sun and kangaroos
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
7 months
self portrait of the walking dead, its rumored they can be sported trying to kill time in duty free stores on 4 hours of sleep after their flight was cancelled the previous night
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
4 months
Marathons are evil They disrupt the flow of traffic for entire swaths of the community for a vanity project that leaves the city filthy. People truly lagging behind aren’t cheered for, they’re forgetten in a haze of lemmings chasing and catering to the middle of the pack
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
9 months
@JoshuAnansi Frankly, I get that it’s nice and poetic, but that’s doing a lot of work about the nature of sunlight and generative love. My attention is a zero sum game, unlike a star that can beam on an entire forest at once.
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 year
reply for a goddess assessment
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
this was the moment the dam broke and I couldn’t figure that out until now
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
she had done really well, received the top spot to work with the county prosecutor 1 on 1 she’s still wasting away trying to hold together a family business that my grandparents can’t get rid of (no retirement remember?) she resents the rest of us and she makes it known
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
self portrait: I am learning to play the bass
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
6 months
self portrait: I am a food postmodernist
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
1 month
Self portrait, I think I look like @made_in_cosmos when I wear glasses
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 months
self portrait, how I think I look using power tools vs how I actually do
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
self portrait, it’s hard learning to be feminine at 28 because then you’re googling things like “how to apply hair oil”
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
5 months
bitches love transit in capital cities (I have more, but apparently I visit regularly enough I need these in my wallet)
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@Actualwebutante
whoreaborealis
2 years
Sex workers are people, not your cannon fodder first line of defense against rapists, assaulters, and incels who need therapy.
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