darth penis
@bobsredmilf
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baby girl U are so weird and offputting sXe
IOWA BITCH!
Joined January 2020
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Pinned Tweet
admitted students day should i wave to the tour groups or kill myself in front of them creating an unlikely bond and drastically altering the trajectories of their lives forever
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accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
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unfortunately evidence suggests that a goth girl got raptured outside the pizzeria
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beautiful women named National Weather Service FLASH FLOOD WARNING Emergency Alert keep blowing up my phone
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i think about this every day
What are the load-bearing posts of our time? Obviously 'facing god and walking backwards into hell' and 'miette' are up there. Does Ed Balls still count? PS if you can parse this you should probably log off
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what are posts that aren’t load-bearing anywhere but your personal lexicon. like the ones that weren’t really popular but are so enshrined in your mind that you just assume they got hundreds of thousands of likes
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for me it’s this. didnt do numbers but i quote it so often that in a sense it did numbers on my heart
Hey girlie, sorry, I mean hey NB! Wanna come to my woman and femmes skull measuring meet-up?
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@ptvgleek
right so if i looked like a deer in headlights it was because i was not trained and also, perhaps more importantly, do not work there
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damn this bload up.check tbis out:
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@kvetchbian
ha. very funny. unfortunately i will now have to sic The Hounds on you for implying that access to alternative microtrend fast fashion produced by children in the triangle shirtwaist factory is not a constitutionally guaranteed human right,
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ppl are responding to this w things like you can’t be talking like that white baby. thats not what im talking about that is an actual popular tweet. im looking for your under-2k likes wonders
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do any rivals want to defeat me in the breaststroke competition
Soviet swimmer Maria Havrish congratulates her rival Elena Kovalenko, who defeated her in the breaststroke competition at the Spartakiad of the Peoples of the USSR in Moscow, 1956 (photo by Lisa Larsen)
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objectively it is bad that bon appetit has covered up multiple botulism scares from it's alive with brad leone but on the other hand it is incredibly funny to be able to say that bon appetit has covered up multiple botulism scares from it's alive with brad leone
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can’t talk right now i’m doing hot girl shit (googling words i already know out of paranoia that i might be using them wrong in a sentence and then the person i’m talking to will think i’m stupid)
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@robinhatch
i can’t help but respect u using the same phrasing and everything. godspeed soldier
what are posts that aren’t load-bearing anywhere but your personal lexicon. like the ones that weren’t really popular but are so enshrined in your mind that you just assume they got hundreds of thousands of likes
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“being friends with other straight edge people is great because they dont peer pressure you” WRONG! my straight edge friends are CONSTANTLY peer pressuring me to
1. go vegan
2. start testosterone
3. move to iowa city
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i have friends my age who are buying houses and im like that’s awesome my goal this week is to get my youtube “watch later” playlist down to double digits
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addicted to showing midwesterners this stock photo of my hometown and watching them shit their pants
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some of u guys don’t have mind palaces you have mind apartment buildings where the landlords painted over the outlets
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@synanthropy
listened to a podcast recently about someone who was a “restaurant psychologist” and it honestly sounded a lot like this
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average ashland oregon kindergarten attendance list
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jeanette moser when questioned on why dhall no longer has plates
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students of grinnell college are about to have the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time
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love when my friends who go to real college tell me abt how if they don’t take exclusively mechanical engineering classes every semester in the exact order on their excel spreadsheet they won’t graduate and im like damn that’s crazy should i take fishing or tapdancing in the fall
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not a day goes by when i don’t think about the time i was getting out of my car and a construction worker said to me “i keep seeing pretty girls go in that building, what’s in there!” and i had to tell him it was an eating disorder specialist’s office… hope he’s doing well
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feminism is about when u grab ur own ass and go “nice” not whatever the fuck jk rowling was going on about
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babygirl im growing molds in my humidifier that you’ve never even heard of
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annie’s mac and cheese is a superfood kind of like ketamine or açaí berries
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@bigbreadlover
wait i just realized there is a facebook group called thank mr banky i think that further enshrined it in my mind perhaps
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@femaleweezerfan
ppl who are so late stage capitalism pilled that they cannot distinguish btwn cultural destigmatization and literal commodification lol
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@iowademocrats
@JohnFetterman
i don’t think you should be making “liberty and justice” a big part of your platform after you publicly equated the words “palestine will be free” with a call for genocide. just a tip for consistent branding
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one cool fact is i would die for lilith
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retweet if you love recreational estrogen/testosterone abuse
JUST SAY NO to drugs. SAY NO to recreational estrogen/testosterone abuse.
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im assembling an elite team of oomfs who i will employ when i inevitably start my own private investigation agency
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bf just proudly told me that last night while i was studying he microwaved a sweet potato for 12 minutes, buried it in the snow for 10, and then ate it for dinner
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In honor of Troye Sivan’s 29th birthday, tell us your favorite song by the Grammy nominee.
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well well well. if it isnt the Blowjob Brothers
they're calling them The Three Gay Boys cause there's three of them and they are gay boys. please watch out as they are considered extremely gay and dangerous
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moving from here to here while having this tattooed on my back is probably a decent part of why i get sad a lot
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bro i am crying
@bobsredmilf
Thailand's vibrant culture and stunning landscapes could be a perfect match for crunchy blonde 20something women seeking adventure and unique experiences!
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trying to explain ipa to my friends and family by saying “you know when you look in a dictionary and some of the letters are all fucked up and upside down and shit”
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i return to my house after two months away to find it with no one home, half the doors open and seven fans pointed towards two folding tables of raw marinated fish. great to be back
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never getting bereal… too many of you have lost sight of social media’s sacred purpose (lying, pandering, creating false idols)
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normalize referring to yourself as a “washed-up child actor” bc you did community theatre when you were 12
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just had my final appt w my therapist of 7.5yrs (she’s closing her practice) and she told me that i was her favorite client and that last time i saw her she journaled about how i am her “one” and how hard it was saying goodbye. we’re so up. i literally just got an A+ in therapy
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the amount of kief i’ve washed down my kitchen sink in the past 48 hours would make some of you fall to your knees and wail
“ouough you shouldn’t be seeing a drug dealer” -idiot haters and losers who dont want me to inherit all of his beautiful formerly weed-filled mason jars when he moves
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according to spotify wrapped it appears that people in burlington vermont will just listen to whatever actually
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its my birthday . anyway did u guys know u can reserve the chapel on 25live
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oh you're a gee whiz major?? well then im an oh shucks major
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you can’t listen to elliott smith bc your ex used to, i can’t listen to elliott smith bc his nephew became obsessed with me to the point of recording a song about me and nearly booking a flight to iowa unsolicited before i had to fully cut them off. we are not the same
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just had the really unfortunate realization that there is a word for what i was describing as my “dream gig” yesterday and it is in fact called “academia.” please god no. i wont give in
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im back… did you miss me? did you yearn for me? did your spirit ache. do u think im really hot and funny and
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imagine how much of a nasty slutty starved little attention whore you have to be to order fajitas at a restaurant
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i used to be friends primarily w men but it turns out that actually becomes a lot harder when ur self worth increases
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reading my parents’ prescription bottles when i’m home to get a sneak peek at the diseases i’ll be inheriting
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@jacquesderridad
yes!! + they almost never contain approximants (lev-ari & mckay 2023) which i think is funny
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@bigbreadlover
this is a tumblr post that was not big like at all but that changed the way i speak forever
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happy groundhog day to those who celebrate btw. i know this can be an emotional time for many
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i reLly dont want to sound conceited but im beginning to think that if you get through my generally offputting demeanor i can actually be a genuinely enjoyable person to be around sometimes. like a kiwi but instead of a little green fruit in there its friendship
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look i may have failed the twitter mutuals to lovers challenge but i also just built a printing press so who’s really winning
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this guy is such a fucking dumbass bad faith actor its not even funny. craziest victim complex on the planet
Had a civil exchange with protestors today, right before two of them then got into their car & rammed it into ours. Those two should be held accountable, but the rest of the peaceful protestors shouldn’t be tarred by the behavior of two bad actors.
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rural iowa taste so good when u aint got a bitch from chicago in ya ear telling you it’s nasty
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butches r a different breed bc tell me why my roommate had a girl over to watch but im a cheerleader at NINE THIRTY AM
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every time i look this girl has a new fucking business venture. first the food truck now this
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HUGE NEWS EVERYONE
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Does Kink Belong At Pride? We Asked Dave, the FedEx Driver At My Work Who is Straight and Married But Has an Undercut and Looks a Little Gay, to Find Out
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the only thing worse than treating your body like shit is treating it really well and still feeling like shit. im literally straight edge, no caf, diet of a vegan mommy blogger, 8hrs of sleep, all those damn supplements. today i drank 96 oz of water. HOW am i still depressed
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update
#2
i got the job. dont listen to me ever
bombing the fuck out of an interview bc you scheduled it during the time of your canceled therapy appointment on a day where u feel like utter shit may be what we call a “rookie mistake” but more importantly? it’s exhilarating. psychologically freeing, even,
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“why don’t you have your pronouns in bio” bc i don’t know what mine are. next question
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i have discovered recently that there is some confusion regarding the origin of my username. hope this helps clear things up
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sometimes i think abt the time i hooked up w a granola boy and as i was leaving he rolled over to his bedside table and said “you want some?” and when i looked up he was holding an entire bowl of sliced cantaloupe
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