Sharon Hoffmann
@SharonH1892
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Florida-based freelance writer/editor. Poems in NYQ, Beloit Poetry Journal, Atlantic Center for the Arts fellow, 2 Pushcart noms. Writing bio of Blind Blake.
Atlantic Beach, FL
Joined October 2017
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@godisgood420
@sofkedaddy
I was born in 1950 in a blue collar family and at 70 my only income is Social Security. I did fuck in a field and take LSD tho, so there’s that.
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@BigSnugALot
My husband read Madame Bovary after our first date and then I wouldn’t agree to a second date. We ran into one another 12 years later and got married six months later. We’ve been married 28 years now & he still likes to say, “I read Madame Bovary for you.”
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@terrill
When my granddaughter was 5 or 6, she totally busted me for taking food into the theater. She whispered to the ticket-taker, “My grandma is poor, so she has candy in her purse.” The very nice ticket-taker whispered back, “Sometimes I do that too.”
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@MelissaBowers_
Also, as my granddaughter explained in 1st grade, if you want to make some words seem important, "put them in Italians."
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@MShrayber
Husband talked me into *first-time* skiing (he’d teach me) on a trip. No ski clothes. Wore new jeans. Husband dislocated his shoulder as soon as we got off lift. They took him down the mountain and left me there. Everywhere I fell getting down the mountain, I left a blue stain.
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@EliMcCann
30 years ago, a close friend was my daughter’s (14) teacher. She said she wished we’d get married. Back then, teachers were fairly closeted & I wasn’t sure what she knew. I said, “I don’t think I’m his type.” “Oh, I know *that* but I just wish he could live with us.” Oh, me too.
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@danblackroyd
In 1978, I took my 4 year old to see a Superman movie. There’s a scene where Superboy is looking yearningly out the window, wanting to leave Smallville. My daughter understood this at the metaphorical level and hollered out, “You can do it, Superman! Break the window!”
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@godisgood420
@sofkedaddy
I also once worked in a bank for two months but got fired for being hung over.
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@thespicexqueen
My kids’ dad is a now-retired Black airline pilot. Even *in uniform* people would think he was a porter & ask him to push a wheelchair. Once he had time & did so to be nice. They offered him a $2 tip! Then they were embarrassed when he came out of the cockpit, ha!
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@BrandonLBradfor
My son (42) has a small design/build business and mostly works with historic buildings. He did a huge long renovation for a lady in her 70s and now they are bff’s who have dinner every week. “She’s a lot like you, Mom, except her house isn’t messy.”
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@dem8z
My ex, a retired airline pilot who does his own yard work at properties he owns in predominantly white neighborhoods, gets this a lot. One guy came up & asked how much to cut his lawn. Him: $200. I said, “What!?” He said, “I’ll cut anyone’s yard for $200.”🙄
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@ShaunKing
Here’s how an actual normal being would handle this: You take a cold drink out to the kid and say, “Hi, you’re doing a great job. But you don’t have to mow any further than this because you are over onto my property now — I will mow the rest — but thank you.”
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@surlybassey
Consider yourself lucky. I sat next to a guy on a 3 hour bus ride who just been released from prison an hour before and who asked me if I was Kathy Bates. He said he’d been framed but that was OK because he was guilty of “worse stuff.” 😱😱😱
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@isabelkaplan
@guardian
Loved this. In 1995, I was a journalist with a personal column. My new boyfriend asked me if I might ever write about him the way Nora wrote about Carl. I said that if he ever behaved like Carl, you bet your ass I would. He married me anyway. Still happily married.
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@MaryBerry808
@e_j_barnes
I learned this lesson 40 years ago. I started to criticize another committee member when a savvy older woman said, “Stop! The first rule of politics is ‘Don’t say anything critical in the restroom. You never know who is in the stall.’ “
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@SiggysACLL
@terrill
She’s about to turn 11 now, but she has quite a history of busting people. At 6 she was told her mom was expecting. Later the parents said they’d decided to keep the news private a bit longer. “Well, do what you want but I already told my teacher & my whole class.”
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@christinaemoss
Age 10, Girl Scout camp. I argue with another girl. She tells counselors, both 18, that I called her a bad word, so I get summoned. Them: Is it true you called her a bad word? Me, shrugging: I just said she was naive. Them: Helpless laughter.
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@rgay
My ex, who is black (and airline pilot), owns a rental house in a predominately white neighborhood. He was mowing the yard when a white man asked him what his rates were. When he said $200, the guy went away. Me: Why did you say that? Him: For $200 I’ll cut anyone’s yard.
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@MarjorieIngall
P.S. That baby is now a smart, beautiful girl in her senior year of high school.
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@Alice_Moran
I occasionally used to use the "play-dumb" strategy when people asked me stupid questions, e.g. "is it true what they say about black men?" Me: " Absolutely! My husband is a terrific dancer! "
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@_CJWalker
I’ve had perfectly painless IVs put in, and I’ve had one that took six attempts and turned my hand black. Probably a lot of things depend on the skill of the doctor or nurse.
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@Mikel_Jollett
He wasn't planning to kill her, so obviously wasn't worried whether she would *tell* or not. He knew she would keep silent or be disbelieved, then or now. When I was 14 in 1964, I made the same decision. Who would be believed, the football star or me?
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@natepentz
@sickfemme
@Walgreens
In college I attended aBlack Missionary Baptist church whose rules wereto be a member, you could not use *or sell* alcohol. I worked at a grocery store & sold beer, so could not join. Never to occurred to me to *refuse* to sell beer - would havebeen fired in an instant.
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@theashleyray
Woman arrested for killing her husband tells police, “Well, I shot him before and he didn’t die.”
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@MarjorieIngall
The day before 9/11, my unmarried stepdaughter told us she was pregnant & I was worried about her future. On 9/11 I was in shock and had no idea what to do with myself. I drove to a drugstore &bought prenatal vitamins - it was the only life-affirming thing I could think to do.
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@PrettiestFrog
When I was a reporter in Texas, every young teenager (and their dead deer) got their hunting photo in the paper with the cutline “First Kill.”
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@CeciliaMilanes
@NewBlackMan
In 1979 I took my two month old baby to a 3 day writing conference with Meridel LeSeur, Audre Lorde and Adrienne Rich (because I was nursing). As soon as Meridel saw the baby, she announced how happy she was & that she’d always brought her own children to everything.
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@WetMascara
This somehow reminds me of the time when I (33 then) was at a formal dinner for my 73 year old millionaire affair, along with my 21 year old boyfriend, and the millionaire invited me to an after party, saying, “You can bring your boy if you want.”
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@rarebre3d
@Chicovia_S
My grandma told me to cook something in a "slow oven." Wut? Finally somebody told me that meant 325 degrees.
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@MsPackyetti
@mic
A wealthy relative was doing yardwork at a rental house he owns in a white neighborhood. A white man approached and said he needed a yardman — how much did he charge? $200. What?!? “Well, that’s my hourly rate at my ‘day job.’ “ Lawnmowing
#whileblack
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@ProfessorCrunk
If you think a lot of white folks hate seeing black folks in first class (and you are right, they do), just guess how they feel about black folks in the cockpit. When a black pilot turns the flight over to the co-pilot and strolls down the aisle, the shock is pretty amusing.
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@Blackamazon
I heard a joke about Pompeiian bakeries but it’s archaic. And we can’t have archaic and eat it too..
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@citeblackwomen
@DrAriaHalliday
In 1980, I attended a workshop with Lorde. Somehow I broke down emotionally talking about my 5-year-old daughter’s future.Lorde pulled me out into the hallway, wrapped her arms around me and promised me, “She will be a warrior.” And it turned out to be true.
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@franklinleonard
If he just came from Cafe du Monde, it’s powdered sugar from those beignets and caffeine from that chicory coffee. Otherwise, cocaine.
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@SiggysACLL
@terrill
He was about 20, nice-looking, in a wheelchair so she could easily whisper in his ear. What a sweetheart he was.
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@fklein907
For a small fee I will send my children to your enemy’s poetry reading so they can dissolve into helpless giggles over the word “underwear” in a poem about tragic death just as they did at my own reading.
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@DaisyEBlack
My husband (a retired historian) and I have been proofreading a friend’s academic biography, and now I want to give him gold stars!
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@JodiDoering
I was intubated for five days after a quintuple bypass (and then got c-diff) and I can assure you, I *worshipped* all my nurses. God bless you.💕
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@rashadrobinson
My husband, a Navy jet pilot, and I were waiting on some house repairs, so friends (white) who lived in our city’s whitest plat invited us to stay with them. My husband knew neighbors wd see him as running *from* something at dawn so he drove to another neighborhood to run.
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@errandsans
@krsball
@MShrayber
Yes indeed. Once my husband got into the warmth of the ski lodge, he was able to get his shoulder back in and thought the whole episode was hilarious. This might have some bearing on why he is my *ex* husband.
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@deray
@RachelKasten
Long ago we had a neighbor who told others she had been accosted by black men at a bus stop and was now traumatized. But my husband did not bother her because he “didn’t talk funny or wear funny hats.” He got an old hat out and wore it past her house for a week.
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@theheatherhogan
I once saw someone my gaydar told me was a lesbian but she was wearing a pin that said L with that slash across it. I thought, “Now why would she wear a pin saying she’s *not* a lesbian?” Then I realized it was almost Christmas and the pin meant ‘Noel.’ “
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@brownandbella
Well, this comment didn’t come from a man, but my 5-year old granddaughter explained the difference between boys and girls to me: “Boys have a peanut.”
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@AsiaChloeBrown
@BlkThemyscira
My dog had home-made biryanis tonight. Brisket two days ago,🙄🙄🙄
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@TananariveDue
@nkjemisin
,”And when I cried out in my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me.” Sojourner Truth
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@chillsubs
My psychological trick was to decide that I wouldn’t get an acceptance until I had 100 rejections, so every rejection put me *closer* to my goal. It actually only took 28.
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@KKriegeBlog
NB: When I was a Classics major 50 years ago, a milhist bro waxed lyrical about “the power of the Greek phallus.” Of course he meant “phalanx.” I thought our professor would die trying not to laugh.
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@bessbell
@vennediagram
This comeback reminds me of a very old Sylvia cartoon by Nicole Hollander. She has just rebuffed a young dude, and he protests " But I like older women! " She gives him a long, measuring look and says, "I'll pass that along."
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@Joseph_Fasano_
Sending healing to you. You have a unique gift that the world needs, so I pray you will have a long life, my friend.
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@AngryBlackLady
I loved Alan Rickman with my whole heart, but the character he played in this DESTROYED his wife. For nothing. I would have slow-poisoned him. I did love the drum-playing kid tho and the character he played in Queen’s Gambit when he grew up.
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@SofieHagen
@pronounced_ing
My grandchildren seem deeply concerned about hot lava (cold lava no problem). They will be able to avoid it, though, because they have practiced jumping from the chair to the ottoman to the couch and backwards while hollering “Look out! hot lava!”
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@krsball
@MShrayber
More like long swashes or skid marks as I slid my way down the mountain. Pretty embarrassing. 😢
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@RepLucyMcBath
Thanks to you and other leaders in Georgia! I look forward our new administration! May I ask you a favor? Would you suggest the choice of
@jerichobrown
as the poet for the 2021 inauguration? As an Atlantan & 2020 Pulitzer Prize winning poet, he is the best choice.
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@eveewing
And she brought it in her purse! When my granddaughter was 6, I took her to the movies and she whispered to the ticket taker, “My grandma can’t afford to buy popcorn so she has snacks in her purse.” He whispered back, “Sometimes I do that too.”
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@RaxKingIsDead
Ok, any LDS sex scholars out there? When I was in the hospital, I overheard two nurses (1 m, 1 f) talking. The married male nurse was LDS and was super upset to have seen a woman patient naked by accident, as if he’d broken some vow. Don’t all nurses expect to see nakedness?
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@Eater
@JonathanHsy
I have a dear friend who had esophageal cancer and could not eat for a year or two. When again able to eat soft food, his passion was flan.Eventually he could eat normally & his friends lovingly competed to cook their finest dishes for him. I pray the same good future for you.
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@simimoonlight
@SaCha1689
@Delta
I’m sorry! My kids’ dad is a retired airline pilot ( not Delta) and just as passengers are shocked to see you in first class, believe me they are shocked when they find out they’ve entrusted their lives to a Black pilot.
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@mviser
At the same time this was happening, anti-busing demonstrations were happening in my home town, Louisville. I was in an interracial marriage and had a newborn, so I was scared of the future. On the news I saw a woman with a sign: It ain’t the distance — it’s the n******.
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@Jennifer__Brett
@Chicovia_S
I’m betting Air Force NCO. I lived in base housing in Japan that looks like one of the photos.
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@himbonomics
@lizditz
@FordFischer
@nickgillespie
My husband once spent the weekend in jail waiting for them to lab test his bee pollen.
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@shannonrwatts
To each her own, but this is how my grandma did it. Every time a glass or plate got chipped, she saved it on a special shelf. Then when she got furious with my grandpa, she would go out to the kitchen and SMASH those chipped plates. Grandpa never knew they were the chipped ones.
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@EliMcCann
Years ago I dated a cool guy, a bachelor in his 40s from New Orleans, but was slightly intrigued by the fact that his apartment was beautifully decorated with expensive antiques. I asked another friend from New Orleans if maybe? Nope, that’s just New Orleans, she said.
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@DragonflyJonez
I took a high level Latin class from a visiting professor from Italy. Two MA candidates and I, a junior , reading Plautus. He said our Latin was equivalent to 6th grade. All semester he would mutter in Italian, “Poor mother Italy in the hands of thieves.”
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@BrandonLBradfor
My family is white Black and Japanese through 3 generations and while my adult children identify as Black and couldn’t (and wouldn’t) “pass,” the grandkids mostly look …um…Hawaiian? Samoan? We also got Cuban, Iranian, Kiowa, Jamaican…just jump in the gene pool…
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@Ebonyteach
In the 80s, I was the editor of a feminist literary magazine that brought a major writer for a reading each year. We paid $2,500 +expenses. This allowed us to get folks in demand (e.g., Alice Walker in Pulitzer year). Also, airfare for companion, even babysitting (Annie Dillard)
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@QuisBonds
My grandma used to take the ends of the soap bars and grate them up for laundry soap. She had those flakes drying on a cookie sheet when my dad (visiting SIL) came by and thought it was coconut. Scooped a big handful right into his mouth.🙄
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@Roughly
@DABridge22
@CMedtweetci
This reminds me of 50 years ago in the U.S. when we still had live, local phone operators. I called to get my cousin’s phone number: “The law office or the house? Oh, the house. I love that big house they built out in the country. Have you been out there yet? A big barn too..”
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@ClintSmithIII
I had an interracial marriage at the same time as Loving v. Virginia (not illegal in my state). I raised two children through daily racism. Had trouble renting apartments, but too young &stupid to be physically afraid. Figure that’s one ten-thousandth of what abolitionists faced.
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@jtlevy
@TheMedievalDrK
IIRC, in the Roman Polanski vampire film, the girl holds out a crucifix andthe vampire says, “Oy vey, have you made a mistake.”
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@MissyAndrist
When my friend and I were 12 (60 years ago), some boys wanted us to meet them in the woods and “take our shirts off.” We said no, but then we thought it would be hilarious to do it wearing our leotards under our shirts. Luckily for us, we shared our plan with our mothers. Oy.
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@CaitCamelia
@surlybassey
Ok, in my 20s I *did* go on two dates with a libertarian, and Google informs me that some of my teen crushes have grown more conservative with age…but at 71 I can say I have *never* knowingly dated a Republican.
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@rgay
My kids’ dad was an airline pilot & one day *while wearing his uniform* an elderly man mistook him for a porter and asked him to push his wife’s wheelchair. So he did. Man offered $2 tip; he declined. When he came out of the cockpit of their plane, they were quite shocked.
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@JaimeArtAlonso
@SCOTUSPlaces
I (elderly white female) got confused with rerouted streets & turned wrong way on 1-way street. Immediately followed with siren. Stupidly but sincerely: “Officer, thank you so much. You probably saved my life.” Cop: confused. No ticket - & on Friday 13th!
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@danblackroyd
I saw a premiere of The Color Purple in a gym in Alice Walker’s hometown of Eatonton, Ga. Most people in the audience knew her and were in a celebratory mood and pretty vocal. But my favorite part was when Celie was shaving Mister and women called out for her to cut his throat.
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@cooltxchick
@TPBlue4
One nice thing about being old is that I got to see Clarence Carter perform “Strokin’ “ live.
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@jerichobrown
I thought that after death I might see God, and She would ask me, “Where are the books you were supposed to write?”
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@queerBengali
@CeeAltman
A Black relative was dating a white girl. She used the expression “n*****-lip.” Broke up with her IMMEDIATELY.
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@wkimeria
My kids’ dad was in a rental car in SC (driving our son home from hospital in NC). “Weaving.”
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@garlicemoji
One of my dearest friends understudied Joel Grey in a Cabaret production more than 50 years ago. Joel Grey never *once* got sick and my friend retained a lifelong grudge over it. :)
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@AnneLouiseAvery
I love this so much, and I’m so sorry about the plagiarism, My ancestor, Bartholomew Kindred, was born a few miles away at Haltwhistle, in 1727, so he and the tree “were lads together.” They somewhere together now.
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@hollyglolightly
@ADBoyntonII
Hmmm. MY 12 year old granddaughter was impressed when I said “yeet” at Christmas. “Wow, Grandma, I didn’t think anyone AS OLD AS
YOU knew that word.”
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@laurenthehough
I was once at my grandmother’s house, maybe 12, when I started & she made me a homemade pad &told me about her own first experience. No one had told her *anything* & when she started bleeding, she thought she was dying. She hid in some bushes until she was missed & brought home.
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@katefeetie
I chose the church I went to in college because the priest always encouraged parents with fussing babies to stay rather than take them outside, because they belonged whether they were quiet or not.
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@DrSpooky_ER
My son was in an accident and he wouldn’t let them cut off his Tribe Called Quest t-shirt.
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@davenewworld_2
@MattLavPoems
When my son was 14, he & 2 friends were beaten unconscious. When they called police, the cops accused them of buying drugs. My son was a good student who had never been in the slightest trouble. Just a black kid who would never trust cops again.
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Glorious afternoon at
#WrinkleInTime
. Afterwards, remarked I had started crying at Rumi quote. Daughter interpreted it to mean wounded place is where healing starts. Granddaughter, 9, added, “You’re not just healed. You’re *stronger.*”
@ava
@avaduvernayfans
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@rgay
Had a man sitting next to me on a long bus ride. Felt something on my thigh and was about to knock him into next week when I realized he was asleep...It was his phone in his pocket, set on vibrate.
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@likeafox22
@fesshole
You obviously are delusional about male behavior. When I was very young (20), I expected my boyfriend to be outraged when I told him his best friend tried to sleep with me. He shrugged: Hey, you said no. No harm done.Guys always try.
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@Snarls_Dickens
@HollyEvanMarie
Actually a great idea! Just don’t touch the Paris green ones.
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@ZiaOnFilmAndTV
@BigSnugALot
Trying to be truthful here. Refused 2nd date because I was newly divorced & he seemed to have some similar traits to my ex. When I met him 12 years later, he had been married and had spent many years nursing his wife through m.s. until her death. It had changed & softened him.
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@d_haggar
@historianess
Decades ago there was a great Nicole Hollander cartoon in which a younger guy tells Sylvia “I like older women.” She gives him an appraising look and says, “I’ll pass that along.”
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