Bess Kalb
@bessbell
Followers
306,660
Following
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Statuses
19,167
Writer and producer of TV and movie and books and children.
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I’m not paying for this so I’ll pin this and here’s vaguely how you’ll know it’s me?
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Oh no the debate is cancelled due to the catastrophic mishandling of a pandemic how will we know which candidate to vote for?
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This election is a tough call because one candidate was endorsed by both the Taliban and the KKK and the other was endorsed by a broad bipartisan coalition and the New England Journal of Medicine.
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In elementary school my team lost unfairly in a game of dodgeball because the other side hit our last man standing in the head and I challenged it and our PE teacher said “In a year you won’t remember this game” and I said “What’s the date?” and he said “April 11th.” Here we are.
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GOP: NO ABORTION!
Us: Yikes ok then birth control?
GOP: NOOO
Us: Wait so maternity care?
GOP: LOL FUCK U!
Us: Childcare?
GOP: ASSAULT RIFLES
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My heart goes out to Mike Pence and the entire Pence family on the tragic news of the upcoming Vice Presidential debate.
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If men got pregnant they'd sell abortion mints at every grocery store checkout next to the Altoids.
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I say this as a Jewish person who lost family in the camps. Trump holding a rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth is like holding a rally at the gates of Auschwitz on Holocaust Remembrance Day.
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Last year at a party a writer I respect called my pregnant stomach a “career ender” and now I’m the head writer of a show I sold to a major network and yesterday I signed the deal paying me to write a movie based on the book I finished 5 weeks postpartum so DO YOU LIKE APPLES?
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Hey if you could spare a prayer for my 2-year-old right now, his granola bar wrapper was pulled down slightly too low and it’s unclear if a recovery from this is possible.
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A friend's male assistant is a fake email account she runs because people called her "difficult" and "impossible" for having small windows of availability until "he" started running interference and then people just accepted she was fucking busy. I AM VERY INTO THIS.
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My dad is an ICU doctor treating COVID-19 patients. In the past WEEK he has set more “I’ve never seen a heart rate/RBC count/etc. like this” records than in his decades-long career. What this virus does to the body is like “sticking your finger in an electric socket.” Stay home.
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The people telling you banning guns won’t make them go away are trying to ban abortion.
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$13,647,676 from the NRA
Grief overwhelms the soul. Children slaughtered. Lives extinguished. Parents’ hearts wrenched. Incomprehensible. I offer prayer and condolence but know that it is grossly inadequate. We must find answers.
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Imagine how society would grind to a halt if men got their periods.
I put on a mask and literally within seconds, I am struggling to breathe.
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I hate to be rude, but the reason you are healthy enough to protest is because other people stayed the fuck home.
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Ladies bear with me I haven't slept enough this week but if we hide all the guns in our vaginas, Congress will HAVE to regulate them!!!
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(Real quick, abortion isn't always a "tough choice" or "heartbreaking" and that framing is so weird. Sometimes it's a miracle and a no-brainer and a straightforward healthcare decision for everyone involved. Abortion is healthcare and a human right.)
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Republicans of Alabama: Voting for an accused pedophile because you don't want people to be gay and have abortions doesn't mean people won't be gay or have abortions. It just means there'll be an accused pedophile representing Alabama.
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Oh man I did the thing where you rest your head on your toddler’s lap while they’re distracted and watching TV to gauge their true feelings about you and mine sweetly, absentmindedly patted my head and said “I really wish you would go away.”
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NYTimes: STONE INDICTED
CNN: STONE INDICTED
MSNBC: STONE INDICTED
FOX News: IF ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ THINKS GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL THEN EXPLAIN THIS PICTURE OF HER WEARING WHAT APPEAR TO BE MITTENS AS A CHILD
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Sorry I missed your call. Women on Instagram started posting their most flattering selfies in black and white and calling it an “empowerment challenge” and I threw my phone into the sea.
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My dad has been doing a huge amount of childcare for us in quarantine so I’m delighted to announce my 1-year old baby gestures and shrugs like a 64-year old Jewish man.
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$3,124,773 from the NRA.
A senseless, horrendous act of evil. My heart is with all those in Texas right now.
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Today I learned the tiny little whisk I assumed was a salad dressing whisk and have been using for about two years to make salad dressings is, in fact, a Christmas ornament.
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Everything is terrible but my cousin’s 9-year old daughter Alice has been quietly and masterfully slaying the
@NewYorker
’s caption contest and it’s pure delight.
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We're living in an incredible era where we might die in a nuclear inferno because a 70-year old basket case whose dad never loved him tricked disgruntled white people into voting for a fake get-rich scheme by selling hats.
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We were the only dorks in the entire Hollywood Bowl wearing kN95s on Saturday and a person in our group just tested positive for COVID and we're the only ones who didn't get it. Sending out as a signal to fellow freak dorks who are still wearing masks in a pandemic in crowds.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the Republican politicians who lost their seats today. We won't do anything to prevent it from happening again.
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If someone asks why you’re wearing a mask on a plane just say “Oh I have COVID!” and watch their face.
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$3,303,355.00
Just spoke to Broward School Superintendent. Today is that terrible day you pray never comes.
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"Net Neutrality" means corporations can't pay to manipulate how you use the internet (PORN).
If this goes away, not only will all your data (PORN HABITS) be scrutinized by telecom companies, they can decide how fast your internet works on certain websites (YOUR PORN WON'T LOAD).
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By far the most disconcerting part of having my uterus lifted out of my body during a c-section was knowing for a brief time, JK Rowling no longer considered me a woman.
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I would never say I have a favorite child but one of mine is 8 pounds and just sleeps and drinks milk from my body letting me burn 800 calories a day while sitting and the other called my dress “busy” and screams at me if his granola is too close to OR too far from his yogurt.
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My 3-year-old picking up a tiny Spider-Man figurine in the kid’s room of this Airbnb, his brow furrowed, he turns it over in his hand a few times, examining it. “What is it?” he whispers to himself. He stares at it for a long time then whispers, his voice shakey: “I…love him.”
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If you are outraged that Elizabeth Holmes has a small child and is pregnant and is going to jail, ask yourself: Who do you think populates women’s prisons?
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L'chaim, motherfuckers.
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It would be a huge shame if these many pictures of
@realDonaldTrump
with child sex-trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell throughout the years started trending.
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It’s nice to know women will always have access to a free abortion so long as they get pregnant by a married Republican congressman.
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My oldest child was 6 months old when the pandemic started and he’s 2 and a half now which means he’s been effectively quarantined with me his entire sentient life so it’s my fault his go-to expression when he sees something that pleases him is “Ugh I am loving that!”
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If you set up internment camps for babies and then everyone notices so you sign an order ending internment camps for babies it doesn't mean you didn't set up internment camps for babies.
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GOP: "If we pass laws making it harder for people to get guns, there will not be fewer guns. People will just figure out a way to get guns illegally."
GOP: "If we pass laws making it harder for women to get abortions, there will be fewer abortions."
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$2,897,582 from the NRA.
I am deeply saddened by the horrific shooting today at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas. Our nation mourns the innocent lives taken in this senseless tragedy.
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When my great grandmother came to America from her shithole, she ended up creating two physicians, a professor, four attorneys, a Harvard economics Phd, an MIT-trained engineer, and a mouthy little bitch who harassed the racist President until he blocked on Twitter.
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If Donald Trump gets arrested on Christmas I will accept Christ.
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$1,306,130 from the NRA.
Horrified and heartbroken to learn of the significant loss of life in the shooting in Uvalde, Texas. Please join me in lifting their loved ones up in prayer.
Thank you to the local first responders working on the scene.
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Let this be remembered as the night the Met Gala saluted the Gilded Age, a time of outrageous wealth disparity coated in the patina of luxury, while the Supreme Court sentenced poor women seeking reproductive freedom to death.
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Remember: When we didn't like the election results we furiously knit hats.
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To be against abortion AND comprehensive sex education and affordable access to birth control is like being against fire AND fire extinguishers.
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$2,002,462 from the NRA.
Bonnie and I are heartbroken by the tragedy in Uvalde and are praying for the victims and their families.
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$3,063,327 from the NRA.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims of this horrible tragedy in Uvalde. Our nation mourns for the innocent children, teacher, and all those affected by this senseless act of violence.
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Hillary Clinton was going to win in a landslide with 93% certainty.
Ignore the polls.
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$1,267,139 from the NRA
Horrified and heartbroken by reports of the disgusting violence directed at innocent schoolkids in Uvalde, Texas. The entire country is praying for the children, families, teachers, and staff and the first responders on the scene.
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$1,269,486 from the NRA
There are no adequate words to express the horror at Robb Elementary. My sincere condolences to these families. Something this horrific, children being slaughtered in their school, it does not get worse than this.
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My one-year old baby had cake for the first time today and looked at me with delight that curdled into confusion/betrayal and so I ate a bite and pretended to also be surprised by how good it was and DE-ESCALATED THE SITUATION.
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I get people upset on Marilyn Monroe's behalf about the dress because she wouldn't want her memory evoked by a modern day sex symbol at the most glamorous event on earth, she would want it safely enshrined at a "Ripley's Believe it Or Not" in Florida.
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The formula shortage is an example of how free market capitalism does exactly what right wing fear-mongers think socialism will do.
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Why are people mad the Wordle guy got paid? Pay the sweet Wordle man! Give him jewels and gold for his glorious letter squares! He got less than half what it could have been worth in a bidding war and he kept it a free game. Shower him with champagne and furs!
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If men got pregnant they'd sell birth control pills in tubs at Costco.
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It’s been one day since Melania told the press her New Years resolution was “peace on the world.”
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Hi! The global Jewish population has still not rebounded from the Holocaust. There were 16.6 million Jews in 1939, then 6 million of us were annihilated in a genocide that happened when "It's A Wonderful Life" came out in movie theaters, and now there are 14.8 million of us.
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I don't mean to sound intolerant or coarse, but fuck this Nazi and fuck the gentle, inquisitive tone of this Nazi normalizing barf journalism, and fuck the photographer for not just throwing the camera at this Nazi's head and laughing.
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$1,968,714 from the NRA.
Anna and I join all Arkansans in praying for the victims and the childrens’ families in Uvalde.
And we’re grateful for law enforcement and the first responders who are helping in the face of this unimaginable evil.
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@NancyMace
Ma'am, your handwriting is readily available on the internet. Whoever the mysterious cursing anarchists were, they used upside down "u"s to dot their "i"s.
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.
@tedcruz
What if - and hear me out I’m just a mom of two small children - what if there were something more important than the right to own a semiautomatic gun. Off the top of my head I can think of two and they’re sleeping right now in pajamas with airplanes on them.
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If you feel like you need an AR-15 you are not mentally fit to own an AR-15.
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MAZEL TOV,
@POTUS
! We didn't think you could do it but in just ONE year you've played more golf than Reagan, Kennedy, Truman, Carter, George W. Bush, and your boy Andrew Jackson COMBINED! I can't think of a better reason for us to spend $56,014,937! Amazing day for the USA!
Trump visits one of his private golf clubs for 100th time as president
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Four million four hundred eighteen thousand and twelve dollars from the NRA.
Tragic news out of Florida. Please keep the victims, their families, first responders and the community in your thoughts and prayers.
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His 11-year old son had such a tough, traumatic week that Donald dropped everything and went golfing in Virginia the first chance he got.
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If only a scientist would rise up and declare guns have caused 6 blood clots they’d be banned in 24 hours.
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@Liz_Cheney
@AOC
Jew here.
@AOC
’s point is exactly why we say “Never forget.” The Holocaust did not begin with the murder of 6 million Jews. It began with the same dehumanization, deportation, and internment we see today. You, sickeningly, invoke the Holocaust to minimize their suffering. Shame.
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Hey I know we’re not really ready to acknowledge it but I just want to congratulate every single preschool aged child in the United States right now on week three of having a truly disgusting cough.
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You know who had nice manners? The Nazi who shaved my uncle Willie's head before escorting him into a cement chamber where he locked eyes with children as their lungs filled with poison and they suffocated to death in agony.
Too much? Exactly. That's how you write about Nazis.
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He’s doing great. He’s fine. He’s having a great time. He’s now on a steroid reserved for patients in respiratory decline. And he’s totally fine. All good.
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I wonder if Kirstie Alley would still vote for Donald Trump if she heard Donald Trump privately describe Kirstie Alley.
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$1,475,448 from the NRA.
Today, I join all Americans in mourning those whose lives have been stolen in Uvalde. This tragedy is as horrifying as it is heartbreaking. My deepest condolences are with the families & loved ones of those killed, with those who were injured, & with the entire state of Texas.
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One fun tip is to begin all his tweets with “Mommy, “
Why are Republicans allowing the Democrats to have ridiculous Post Office hearings on Saturday & Monday, just before and during our Convention. Let them hold them NOW (during their Convention) or after our Convention is over. Always playing right into their hands!
@senatemajldr
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God have mercy on your NRA-kept souls:
Richard Burr
$6,986,620
Roy Blunt
$4,551,146
Thom Tillis
$4,418,012
Cory Gardner
$3,879,064
Marco Rubio
$3,303,355
Joni Ernst
$3,124,273
Rob Portman
$3,061,941
Todd Young
$2,896,732
Bill Cassidy
$2,861,047
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Fiona Apple was waiting for the entire world to descend into restless melancholic rage and then once we all started pacing our kitchens in our underwear in the middle of the night she was like, “You’re ready.”
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Hello. Young kids back in school are so sick right now. Everyone with a preschooler has an entire household of sleepless viral cough snot fevers for the past two months without a fucking break. So if you know a parent going through this, be kind and gently hit them with your car.
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Bill Hader in a kn95 at this packed event is the dad at school orientation who knows the name of his kid’s pediatrician.
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$3,124,273 from the NRA.
Please join me in praying for the students, faculty, and staff at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, as well as their loved ones. Let us also show our gratitude to the courageous first responders.
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The Devil’s Triangle is a sex act between two men and one woman. It is well documented and widely known. There is no drinking game called “Devil’s Triangle.”
.
Renate Alumni is bragging about having been inside Renate.
.
Perjury is a crime.
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27 hours of labor was worth it because when I shake my baby’s chunky leg and go “Ring ring ring!” and then put his fat cannoli foot to my ear and say “Hello?!” he laughs so hard he barfs.
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In nine months a lot of baby girls are going to be named “Georgia” and “Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
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$1,249,967 from the NRA
Horrified by the senseless murder of 14 children and a teacher in Texas. My heart is with the parents and the community bearing this unimaginable anguish.
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Huge congratulations to COVID-19, which just had its HIGHEST day of new cases in LA County since the pandemic began, on the re-opening of aquariums, bars, stores, restaurants, gyms and various other high-contact enclosed spaces!!!
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Whether or not you watch Busy Tonight, it's important to know when you give women shows we get to mainstream our voices and experiences. Busy Phillips saying "1 in 4 women have an abortion by 45 and I'm one of them" is a radical moment in late night TV. Proud of her and this.
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If my husband turned into a lizard I would get a very nice terrarium and I'd sit with him and feed him tiny bits of breakfast burrito and watch movies and listen to podcasts and every night run into the dark woods and beg the witch to lift the curse, the terrible, terrible curse.
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Pregnancy loss is a psychotically lonely secret so anyone doing anything to grieve publicly is not only valid and brave on a personal level, but it shifts the cultural understanding of an experience that haunts so many of us. 💗
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lol my doctor recommended I don't come in for a high risk ultrasound for a high risk baby in a high risk pregnancy because of the Omicron spike but by all means fucking hang out and pretend it's whatever.
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$311,151 from the gun lobby.
Heidi & I are fervently lifting up in prayer the children and families in the horrific shooting in Uvalde.
We are in close contact with local officials, but the precise details are still unfolding.
Thank you to heroic law enforcement & first responders for acting so swiftly.
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Imagine being a billionaire and instead of drinking passion fruit cocktails in a private lagoon in Kauai with Beyoncé and the Dalai Lama you’re an internet punching bag hunched over his phone begging strangers on Twitter for $8.
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