Brandon
@Brandon93Smith
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I just try to make my internet friends laugh
Nashville, TN
Joined August 2014
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महात्मा गांधी
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If you’re actually from the South you know this is the same woman on different days.
Apparently the yankees need some clarification.
Southern woman: Fucking redneck:
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I know at least 10 guys who would buy this immediately if they knew about it
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I’m dying.
Her dad made her a play job at a small company he’s been C-suite at forever, and she legitimately doesn’t realize it. The heartland is full of kids like this.
Boomers talking to the new owner during the transition period. This is a must watch. 😂 😝 😆
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This is a very real type. They smoke weed. Their daughter’s on birth control. They like guns. They hate “woke”, but love the gay people in their lives. Some are old school style swingers. They plan their vacations around UFC events. Loved Trump. Could not tell you Romney’s
So I have talked about this before, there is a large slice of Americans who very strongly vote "Red" but are not socially conservative in any real sense.
Not sure we have a good word for this.
Nascar/Nashville/Bass Pro Conservatives.
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I’m a childless, unmarried 31yo man. Here’s my take on the formula/breastfeeding debate.
🧵 1/27
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You have no idea how many dipshit, drunkass, $80,000 truck owning, family construction business failchildren I’ve had to deal with.
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Here’s my take on this- it’s not that we use physics & algebra in the real world. It’s that subjects like those are strength & conditioning for our brain.
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Obviously dad panicked when she said she wanted to move to LA after Arizona State, and said “I’ll pay you $105k a year to be the executive office manager”.
I get it.
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That’s the laugh of a man who’s had a long weekend interrupted by a call from a project manager threatening to quit after she pulled “When dad’s gone, I’m acting VP.”
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Glad I could give the moms a laugh, you’re all doing great.
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@emilykmay
A sports bra & bike shorts has been pretty standard at every gym I’ve been to in the past few years, I’m pretty taken aback by this.
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A phenomenon I’m finding fascinating: The average 15-year-old boy today would get his shit rocked by his 15-year-old grandfather in a fight.
Your local high school’s 2022 football team would kick the shit out of their 1960 football team.
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Kids should be offered 3 meals a day at school. A lot of their parents are legitimately struggling or just lazy/stupid/addicts. They won’t get sufficient protein, fruits or veggies otherwise.
1. It’s children eating, fight me & Jesus on it
2. Long term health of our population
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*Getting accosted by Girl Scouts selling cookies outside Walmart*
Me: “No thanks, I’m on a diet”
Their mom: With the most disgusted & gleeful ‘I’ve been waiting for this’ looks a woman’s ever given me: “You really shouldn’t talk to little girls about diets!”
My bad everyone.
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Look, the important thing is I started a necessary conversation about people goofing around in family businesses.
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People who get in their car & sit there for several minutes before pulling off- what are you doing in there?
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@KCDavisSays
Squeeze half a lemon & a spoonful of honey into a mug and top with boiling water. It’s better with whiskey, but that’s optional.
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This is quite a thing to say to a country who missed a lot of weddings, births, & funerals over the past two years.
Jen Psaki says that Kamala Harris wasn't wearing a mask indoors because "it was an emotional day, it was a historic day."
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@Brownkyl1
DM me about the marital status of the any female cousins, we could do something extremely fun.
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@MPowersNorrell
They’d play around secretly in Vegas & on lake trips with her friends, but would never publicly identify as polyamorous to people in their life.
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The phenomenon where kids fall out of all sports & physical activities at 12 if they’re not future scholarship material is so dumb.
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They’re either athletic specimens, or look like they’ve never exerted themselves physically.
Is seems like PE/recess/playing outside became less common at the same time highly competitive club sports took off.
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I do need to make it clear: While I don’t love the song, I would absolutely let her catch me like a catfish
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My grandpa used to tell a story about the Cuban Missile Crisis an old boy was loading up his truck hightailing it out
They yelled out at him “You really think the Russians are going to bomb Lawrenceburg TN?” He looked at them incredulously & said “It’s the county seat ain’t it?”
American county courthouses from the 1800s are remarkable structures that rarely get much attention.
Even counties with only 30,000 or so residents built amazing civic monuments, such as these from around Ohio (which has 88 counties, most of which have impressive courthouses).
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@JohnErikFraker
The kids try to stunt on the old colonels. They leave. Everything goes to hell. Many such cases.
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Has anyone else noticed themselves getting more “sensitive” as they get older? I’ve noticed exposure to depictions of extreme violence on here/tv/news has started to bother me in a way it didn’t 5 years ago.
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Sometimes just lying to your mom about what’s going to happen to the fancy dining set when she’s gone is the right & noble thing to do.
It’s fine, It’s like reverse Santa Claus.
This is going to be a sad story for so many families. People are saving mahogany dining sets, breakfronts full of exquisite glasses and plates, and whole sets of silverware for their children who do not want, need, or have a place to put them.
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@SwannMarcus89
I was told there would be a person with a Master’s degree leading a calm exploratory panel discussion about how to restore the offender to the community.
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If a pit bull attacked my 9 month pregnant wife- I would simply make the executive decision to Old Yeller it in front of the neighbors.
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I don’t think women necessarily love dad bods. I think a lot of women just don’t want to date a guy who spends an hour a day at the gym, counts macros, & is obviously a big part of his lifestyle.
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It’s a bit like seniors playing games & doing puzzles to reduce memory issues.
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Paris & London are 215 miles apart. LA & NYC are 2800 miles apart.
Our country is huge, so we use airports. How do y’all not get this.
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@Wartimerattie
You hear guys in their 50’s & 60’s” talk all the time about how the quarterback was also the point guard & star shortstop. Non-existent now. You specialize at 9 or get zero playing time in HS.
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@emilykmay
Our extended family brain chemistry conversations are just “Everyone sure does like their one life-ruining vice”.
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The Bowie knife.
In 1827, a few miles outside Natchez Mississipi, Jim Bowie got in a fight on a sandbar. Jim was shot several times & stabbed during the brawl, but won using a knife that probably looked a lot like one of these.
An American legend was born.
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Because he’s a grown adult calling for an assassination, hope this helps.
Why did The Atlantic just target a 23-year-old student and non-public figure by full name in a way that seems intended to endanger them?? Extremely irresponsible
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I should have put “most of us don’t use that daily at work”
I understand many do.
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@ejdickson
People who grew up in New England/Mid-Atlantic say “sleepaway camp”
People from the South/Midwest simply say “camp” if you stay for 3 weeks in a cabin, & “day camp” if you come home every day.
Has anyone else ever noticed this?
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I honestly didn’t know this was a treasured part of the day for so many people.
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I dramatically sighed, took the Lord’s name in vain, & walked away.
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No clue how U.K. politics work, but “activate the Queen” sounds lit as hell.
This would activate the Queen.
Lascelles Principles will direct her to decline his request for a dissolution. She then is left with the choice to dismiss him or not.
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@dennisswender
Euthanizing a dog with repeated violent behavior, who’s attacked every living thing in the house before you bring an infant home ≠ euthanizing a hunting dog for not doing hunting things correctly.
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Bro must have the only Glock 17 ever made with an external safety
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Somebody warn Taylor Lorenz
Breaking News: New York City will hospitalize more mentally ill people involuntarily, in a push to remove them from streets and subways, Mayor Eric Adams said.
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Don’t think about it.
Don’t try to be cool.
Tell me, what was your favorite book when you were 12?
Don’t think about it.
Don’t try to be cool.
Tell me, what was your favorite book when you were 12?
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We’ve sent Ukraine $115 billion, we can figure out some fucking chocolate milk, apples & chicken tenders for the kids.
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I don’t give a shit if their parents are the worst people in the world, kids in this country should not be food insecure. This ain’t it.
Gov. Tate Reeves' office says Mississippi won't participate in a federal summer food program for children because of his desire to reject “attempts to expand the welfare state.”
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@FightHaven
@Yeocy__
Kid in the pink is going to learn a really hard lesson in the next 18 months.
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There’s a specific type of 70-year-old DC swamp creature who wants nothing more than to carpet bomb Tehran before they die. It’s odd & ghoulish.
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Formal dueling used to be big. It only fell out of fashion because:
-The Civil War
-Young officers were shooting each other over women too much & it affected military effectiveness
That doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s bring it back with .22 ratshot. Everyone would act right.
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If churches really wanted people to get married, they’d do adult church camp over 4th of July weekend.
If everybody turned off their phone, played volleyball & grilled together for a couple days this would fix itself.
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@emilykmay
This is how I feel when I see a woman with a donut tire, expired tags, and trash all over her car though.
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We’re living through the spiciest times since the 60’s, and getting exactly zero good music out of it.
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Coffee just tastes better when it’s $6 & made by someone who’s bisexual.
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My favorite piece of minutiae from the Bible is from John 20:4 where John adds (completely unnecessarily) that he smoked Peter in a foot race to Jesus’ tomb.
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Well this got enough views & I think we live in the same city, so I’m probably getting randomly slapped in a bar one night soon.
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This has got to be the weirdest time in human history to be a straight man.
Tomboys are NOT hot.
I REPEAT, TOMBOYS ARE NOT HOT.
Attraction to tomboys is H0M0SEXUALlTY.
And women shouldn’t be working outside.
What kind of man lets his woman work outside like a man?
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@emilykmay
You can’t see it well here, but his hot tub is shaped like a D. I can’t get over that.
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Guys should as a rule pay on the first date:
1. It’s just fundamentally not sexy to be a grown man fretting about spending $60 on a woman you’re interested in.
2. Her getting ready actually costs a lot more than you getting ready (I know it’s amortized but still).
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One funny way a woman I worked with years ago explained what feeling unsafe as a woman in the world felt like: “Imagine being in a bar where everyone’s the size of an NFL player. And they’re all aggressively gay. That’s life all the time.”
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@TheRickWilson
You magnificant bastard. That was the most glorious thing I’ve ever read. I just did a riverdance in my living room.
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That mindset’s much easier to understand when you realize people had things like this in their towns.
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@_rebecca_la
I’m in sales & automatically try to give an objection to a pitch. I didn’t realize there was etiquette to this.
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@clhubes
The adult version of this is wanting a Michelob Ultra, but having to choose from 15 craft beers you’ve never heard of.
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I was homeschooled in elementary school & 8th grade. Went to school 6th/7th grade and HS. I have thoughts about homeschooling, especially as it pertains to boys, as someone who’s lived both.
I think it can work great, but people who do it just need to be aware of a few things.
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@_celia_bedelia_
@kathbarbadoro
@AlisonLeiby
The joke is sophisticated New Yorkers shop at bodegas, while the rubes in the South & Midwest buy similar items at Dollar General.
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@HotForMoot
There are normal wealthy people, & then there are “my company has government contracts” wealthy people.
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I mean….yeah she’s right? No young professionals “need” to marry each other anymore. Everyone’s been paying their own bills & doing their own laundry for years now.
If you don’t make my life significantly better/more fun/less stressful, you don’t get to be part of it.
Parents of 20-something men, this is what your son is encountering out here, so if he’s not dating anyone don’t shame him for it. Thoughts on her perspective?
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Turns out one of my most controversial political opinions is “8 year olds shouldn’t be hungry at school in the wealthiest nation the world has ever seen”.
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@Devon_Eriksen_
You express your animosity in a way that’s genuinely inspiring. You made me want to be a better hater tonight.
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@StefanBastian24
Yeah that’s exactly what I said dumbass. Food for the most vulnerable people in our society.
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“Have you unwashed poors just considered not eating” from the elites is historically a very bad omen.
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My reminder to do lots of cleans, deadlifts, & farmer’s walks
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@WomnOfValor
That’s my jacket size, and I’m willing to offer legit money for it after the movie.
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“Theft is part of life, stop being a whiny Karen” is a weird angle for someone who’s running for DA.
Interesting. Would getting your car window broken and some stuff stolen leave you “scarred forever”?
Is this what the suburbs do to you? Shelter you from basic city life experiences so that when they happen you are broken to the core?
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Let’s say you’re a contractor who nets $150k a year. Wife is a nurse. Newer truck & SUV. Kids go to a Christian school & play club sports.
You’re not working class in the classically understood definition, but you do get dirty at work. I get this.
"Regardless of income level, about six-in-ten Republicans say that working class describes them extremely or very well." WHAT
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Gen Xers are going to make terrific old people.
Millennials will be everything bad about the Boomers but x10.
"Generation X is, by almost any barometer, the least significant of the canonical demographics. Yet one accolade can be applied with conviction: Among the generations that have yet to go extinct, Generation X remains the least annoying."
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