Alison Leiby
@AlisonLeiby
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you probably know me from my abortion. co-host of @ruinedpodcast
New York, NY
Joined September 2010
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Sorry Republicans, if you don't wear protection and something happens, you have to keep it!
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this picture makes it seem like they're talking about the dog.
Sled dog racing champion disqualified over sexual assault allegations
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If you have a cat, does it think you are its mom, its friend, or the government?
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When something is boring we shouldn't call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it "red velvet."
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Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals, is already perfect.
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Was walking through soho and two young girls were taking pictures and one said “hold on, wait until this dumb lady passes.” It was me. I’m a dumb lady now.
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People who live outside of NYC and don't have bodegas: where do you go to buy two Diet Cokes, a roll of paper towels, and oh also lemme get some peanut butter m&ms since I'm here, why not
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Visiting a friend after she gives birth is like Scared Straight for women.
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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Celebrities starring in crypto ads should have to disclose if they were paid in crypto or in real money.
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My only two emotions are not wanting to shower and being happy I showered.
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The description of every illness or disease that affects women always starts with “No one know how or why this happens”.
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If it takes more than 30 minutes to pay a bill online because the portal is so confusing and poorly built, you shouldn't have to pay that bill.
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We, as a society, need to stop classifying chicken fingers as a kids' menu food. It's time.
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The CDC said you can drink, they'd rather you do it with them in the house.
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Cleaning out your closet is less about organizing and more about an archeological exploration of who you used to be.
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Nothing says you're nearing 40 more than sending a text after a night out that says "oh here's that soup recipe I was talking about."
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This is still the most impressive thing I've done in my entire life.
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STOP FUCKING TRAVELING. STOP EATING INSIDE. STAY HOME. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
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How many times is everyone going to the grocery store per week? Is it 26?
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Wear jeans for an hour or two in your house every day. You don't want to get three or four weeks from now and go to put them on and have it be an absolute crisis.
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But he only takes Blue Cross : (
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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he finally has a dating app photo.
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"A bowl of cereal" refers to an amount of milk. If I finish and there's still milk left, I'll pour in more cereal, but that's not a second bowl. It's a continuation of the first. Like 1a and 1b.
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Honestly, I don't remember my life before I saw this:
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Are Office Depot and Home Depot related or do they just have the same last name?
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When I was younger watching Seinfeld I never understood how these average guys were always dating gorgeous women. And now as an adult woman, I see that this is an accurate depiction of reality.
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This is the best name and job description in all of tv writing history.
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Every goat is either a baby or has been alive for 600 years.
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As a woman, I just hope that one day I have as many rights as a gun does.
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There should be a window that I can just walk up to and order, like, 3 oysters and a half glass of wine for $7 while I'm out running errands. Just a little pick me up.
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I used to love American Girl dolls as a kid. There should be an American Woman doll. She comes with socks and Birkenstocks, a $9 coffee that isn't even that good, and a dead fiddle leaf fig plant.
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Love to visit my parents, have a nice family dinner, relax together, and then have a detailed and intense session of end of life financial planning and document locations.
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Your parents’ house: come here to watch 6 hours of MSNBC at max volume.
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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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My printer broke and now I'm like, "Guess I'll leave this where it is for, like, 2-3 years."
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um, okay?
It took a photographer 4 years -- night after night in snorkeling gear and weights -- to capture this image of a beaver
#NaturePhotography
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There is nothing less funny than whatever the table next to you at a restaurant is laughing at.
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Just met a giant golden retriever named JASON and it is so stupid and keeps bumping into things and the owners have to keep yelling “Jason stop it!” to a dog.
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Sorry I canceled our plans, I’m at an in between hair length right now.
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I got into Cornell the old fashioned way, by not getting into Yale.
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When I'm on an elliptical machine at the gym I look like when the Kermit the Frog rides a bike.
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"I drink a lot, too." - Amtrak cafe car employee to me when I get another drink.
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The talks didn't fail, the studios failed at ceding a tiny amount of money from their record profits to ensure writers had a fair, livable wage--something that is a problem across the industry. The failure is on them.
Hollywood Hit With Writers Strike After Talks With AMPTP Fail; Slam Studios For "Gig Economy" Mentality
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The worst I ever look is getting my haircut. My reflection looks like the girl from The Ring's head on top of a mini-fridge with a table cloth on it.
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THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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You know how dogs walk in a circle for a while before finally laying down and going to sleep? That's basically what our days are now.
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I found the most confusing person on earth: a woman who paid for WiFi on this flight and is reading the digital version of American Airlines magazine on her iPad.
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I would die for Swifty and his little towel.
Look at the amount of air Swifty gets with that first leap. Unreal
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Inside every office keyboard is a complete Nature Valley granola bar.
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I can't believe what passed for "computer games" when I was younger. Sim Tower? "Sorry I'm not coming down for dinner. I'm having FUN figuring out ELEVATOR BAYS because I'm playing LANDLORD!!!!!!!!!"
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Is Mike Pence going to have a funeral for that Colts game that he didn't see through to the end?
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Maybe I should call my uterus a "Trump Rally" so that I can kick a baby out of it and not have Republicans get angry.
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A really appealing poster for a music festival would just be a list of all of the different places I could sit down while I'm there.
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NO ONE ELSE SHOULD GO TO SPACE UNTIL WE LEARN WHAT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!!!!!
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I still use the first stall in any public restroom because a 1996 issue of YM magazine told me it was always the cleanest one.
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Calling Planned Parenthood solely an "abortion provider" is like calling McDonald's a salad place.
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Men go on a bachelor party and have fun. Women go on a bachelorette party and have jobs. Someone is coordinating group outfits, someone is photo shoot art director, someone is social planner.
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Stop letting the cast of Summer House take ubers, too many fights happen in them without cameras. Get more production vans. This is reality tv malpractice.
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Excited to be bringing my writing, and more importantly my extremely specific writers room snack preferences to The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! Long live grapes and turkey jerky!!
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The way these avocados are cut in this ad for avocados is absolutely psychotic.
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A cat-caller just said he wants to get "all up in my business" which is great because my taxes are complicated and I could use the help.
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If I see “special guest” on a comedy club line up I just assume it’s someone accused of sexual assault.
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I tried on an oversized jean jacket hoping to look like Rihanna and honestly I just looked like I owned a gas station.
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I wonder how many Cats trailer babies are going to be born nine months from now!
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So when does the
#MarchforLife2017
technically start? Is it when they start walking or hours earlier when they're just putting on shoes?
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Okay well if you freeze rent and pass universal health care those people can like, stay and live here post pandemic and New York can be New York again!!!!!
NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo Concerned At Long Shutdown Of NYC Arts & Culture That “Make New York City New York City”
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very cool industry, no notes! also, no women nominees lol.
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I can't believe this year is somehow worse than the year I had two root canals and an abortion.
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My mixing bowl priorities:
1. Eating a giant salad out of it alone
2. Mixing stuff
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The easiest way to trick yourself into thinking you have your shit together is to go grocery shopping. My life is falling apart but hey, I have grapes and eggs.
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Look it can't be hot out and still be allergy season. One nightmare at a time.
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We need a word for the ponytail you put your hair in to eat a meal.
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Men say "I know a spot" but it's actually, like, half an inch to the left.
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Two weeks ago I got aggressively harassed and threatened online for a joke I wrote. This shouldn't keep happening:
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Love this time of year, when every work email is either, "eh, let's just talk about it in January" or "SEND THAT TO ME RIGHT NOW WE NEED IT 9 MONTHS AGO WHAT THE FUCK????"
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My ideal shower pressure is “too strong to face forward.”
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It's because they have all those holes in them hahahahha okay I have not spoken out loud enough today, someone call me or something.
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Meant to send a friend the instagram story of a hot dude we follow and added "he looks like he would fuck the shit out of you" but I accidentally messaged that back to the guy. Anyway, doing great over here!!!!!
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Opening up a women’s only gym that only has one class and it’s rage screaming and the wait list is already 3 years long.
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In the back seat while my parents drive me to a wedding where I won’t know a single other person, which is how I always envisioned 35.
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Nothing like meeting your friend’s parents and then being like “Oooohh, got it.”
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I guess my biggest fear about Trump winning is that I'll inevitably have to go on trial for being a witch.
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