J
@yikingtons
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Joined July 2021
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Boy roommate won’t let me throw his sweet potato away. I told him it scares me and he began talking about the beauty of “life forms” and “growth”. I quickly realized he’s actually attached to this thing. I’m tossing it on Sunday
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Junior year I had the genius idea to make a Gatorade cooler full of white negroni for a house party because I had just gotten a white couch and wanted a clear cocktail. Almost every single person blacked out. People were asking if they had been drugged. I was fighting allegations
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There’s a mirror in my parents’s house that could give body dysmorphia to a dog
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THE ID CHECK? LOCK HIM UP
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People have always judged my methods of security. I don’t understand. In college I slept with a hammer in my drawer. My roommates would ask me “What are you going to do? Bludgeon the attacker?” Clearly you don’t have what it takes. To live
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To return to Instagram, I must repair my feed. The Unfollowing of 2023 will not be swift. It will not be merciful. The girl I met out at a college I was visiting? (GUNSHOT) A white woman’s food account? (GUNSHOT) My roommate’s boyfriend? (I open my coat and reveal a suicide vest)
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No, girl. (Chewing) I’m telling you. (Covering mouth) You haven’t lived (Swallows) until you’ve had a man (Small belch) say he’s going to kill himself (Sips water) because of you
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I left my remote job because I couldn’t develop a sexual tension with anyone
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It’s Fuck Up Financially Friday. Did you get that $30 lunch you were craving? Said no to a top when you were shopping yesterday out of responsibility? GO BACK AND GET THAT HOE. It’s Fuck Up Financially Friday!
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I need to be back in a relationship. I miss so much about it. Date nights. Fighting after date nights. Grocery shopping together. Fighting while grocery shopping together. Having someone to do my oil change. Getting laid on Tuesdays
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The funniest parts of any Steely Dan song are the name drops. Like, nigga. Who the fuck is Hoops McCann
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It’s no big deal, but we were made for each other. Again. No pressure. But God gave me you
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This but filled to the brim with 1 part Bombay and 1 part Lillet blanc
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Hey! Sorry for ghosting you after we graduated high school. Do you still have a pool? OMG, yes. We should hang :)
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Men won’t cry unless you accuse them of something very horrible that they most definitely did three entirely different times
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Interrupting my mom’s story with “I fucked her” every time she says a new name
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Ladies. If your man is broke, please make your Venmo private. Everyone just saw you pay him back for a singular coffee
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(In a job interview) Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you?
(Me) I love my ex-boyfriend
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Love how you all are missing your 23 year old selves. I was 23 last year and I would shoot her with a gun
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Women speed because our biological clock is always subconsciously reminding us that time is precious. But the traffic camera doesn’t get that. It doesn’t have to think about that
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Men will say they’ve been through a lot and the lot will be porn addiction
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Greenpoint boys who’ve been wearing Sambas everyday it’s rained talking about “I think I have a cold.” Bitch, you have TRENCH FOOT
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I can tell if someone’s father is fat or not within 5 minutes of meeting them
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Who was the first white girl to make her Instagram handle her first and middle name. Because she will be go down in history. There will be schools of thought dedicated to her
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Laying my baby down on the booth seat at the deli so I can use both hands to take a photo for a Yelp review
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I think I have brain damage from drinking on Zoloft. And going to a state school
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-Knew his gf
-Lived with his gf
-His gf was my coworker
-Gf tagged him on IG
-House show
How i met everyone I dated:
- at a bar
- roommate of girl at bar (first one)
- Raya/Miami Art Basel
- McGolrick sidewalk sale
- Heaven or Las Vegas in Bushwick
- Clandestino
- Clandestino
Here’s another one…
Not in order
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No, babe. I love your pull up bar in the kitchen doorway. It’s super industrial
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Wanna get over a man fast? Ask him to write his name for you and watch how he holds the pen
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It is important to let people enjoy things. That is true. But many of you do have horrible taste in art. That is also true
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Everyday I have to send my best friend a concerning text that puts her in a difficult position or something bad will happen to me
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Bitches in New York will hate on you for anything. Why are you mad at someone for coming from a two-parent household
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I’m gonna start live tweeting my location at all times and try to avoid assassination. Like a game
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The University of Michigan
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Love when someone went to Tulane. Like okay, girl! You don’t give a fuck
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I have whatever genetic predisposition makes you finish a cocktail in under 4 minutes
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My girl asked me to show her the world. So I took her to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
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A lot of you all’s New Year’s resolutions will be like “Read 50 books!”, “Fall in love!”, “Go to Prague!” And when I sat down to think of some the only thing the paper said after 20 minutes was “Less isolation”, “More empathy”, “No Uber Eats”
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I yearn for a daybed. I constantly find myself needing a tittle of rest, but not wanting to commit to the role of the bedroom. I imagine a second chamber. Full of light. With a twin sized mattress. Just big enough for my midday dreams. It becomes a couch after
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When my mom is screaming at football with my dad. Stop the performance, bitch. He already chose you
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Trad girls think they’re so different. Do you know how common it is to have a breeding fetish?
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I’m the friend that’s silent in the Uber. MOKHTAR doesn’t need to know you sucked dick last night
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Made it onto the Jewish E-Girl Master Doc. I’m breaking boundaries y’all can’t even fathom
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