Boy roommate won’t let me throw his sweet potato away. I told him it scares me and he began talking about the beauty of “life forms” and “growth”. I quickly realized he’s actually attached to this thing. I’m tossing it on Sunday
Junior year I had the genius idea to make a Gatorade cooler full of white negroni for a house party because I had just gotten a white couch and wanted a clear cocktail. Almost every single person blacked out. People were asking if they had been drugged. I was fighting allegations
People have always judged my methods of security. I don’t understand. In college I slept with a hammer in my drawer. My roommates would ask me “What are you going to do? Bludgeon the attacker?” Clearly you don’t have what it takes. To live
To return to Instagram, I must repair my feed. The Unfollowing of 2023 will not be swift. It will not be merciful. The girl I met out at a college I was visiting? (GUNSHOT) A white woman’s food account? (GUNSHOT) My roommate’s boyfriend? (I open my coat and reveal a suicide vest)
No, girl. (Chewing) I’m telling you. (Covering mouth) You haven’t lived (Swallows) until you’ve had a man (Small belch) say he’s going to kill himself (Sips water) because of you
It’s Fuck Up Financially Friday. Did you get that $30 lunch you were craving? Said no to a top when you were shopping yesterday out of responsibility? GO BACK AND GET THAT HOE. It’s Fuck Up Financially Friday!
I need to be back in a relationship. I miss so much about it. Date nights. Fighting after date nights. Grocery shopping together. Fighting while grocery shopping together. Having someone to do my oil change. Getting laid on Tuesdays
Women speed because our biological clock is always subconsciously reminding us that time is precious. But the traffic camera doesn’t get that. It doesn’t have to think about that
Who was the first white girl to make her Instagram handle her first and middle name. Because she will be go down in history. There will be schools of thought dedicated to her
How i met everyone I dated:
- at a bar
- roommate of girl at bar (first one)
- Raya/Miami Art Basel
- McGolrick sidewalk sale
- Heaven or Las Vegas in Bushwick
- Clandestino
- Clandestino
Here’s another one…
Not in order
A lot of you all’s New Year’s resolutions will be like “Read 50 books!”, “Fall in love!”, “Go to Prague!” And when I sat down to think of some the only thing the paper said after 20 minutes was “Less isolation”, “More empathy”, “No Uber Eats”
I yearn for a daybed. I constantly find myself needing a tittle of rest, but not wanting to commit to the role of the bedroom. I imagine a second chamber. Full of light. With a twin sized mattress. Just big enough for my midday dreams. It becomes a couch after