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@martiniposting
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Sorry to get so political, but I just don’t think anyone deserves to freeze to death.
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me at my first job getting lunch with my 33 year old coworker
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Accidentally made myself look inappropriately beautiful for a job interview. Think Fleabag at her mother’s funeral.
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The man who threw my full sparkling water and untouched scone away when I briefly got up from my table because he “didn’t know anyone was sitting there” is now sitting across the cafe reading How to Win Friends and Influence People.
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the entire day after Christmas feels like when the lights come on at the club.
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Claiming everyone using my HBO login as a dependent on my taxes.
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it’s actually splitting two entrees at a restaurant. Then it’s raw sex
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Driving through the Midwest is just absolute nothingness and then every 70 miles you see “GOD IS REAL / HELL IS REAL TOO” followed by a sign for a store that sells XXL dildos.
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The diet coke.
The oysters. The diet coke. The way he drinks so it don't spill. That me right there
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call me old fashioned but I’m saving public transportation embroidery for marriage.
Look at the hoodie my tube map loving son got from his bestie - she hand sewed it for him.
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“I cant do this anymore” says girl who wasn’t really doing it in the first place.
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Bf just prefaced a YouTube video he was showing me with “I can’t believe you’ve never seen this” and it had 102 views.
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me in a plastic surgeon’s office: ok so are you familiar with YassifyBot.
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can someone help my friend he got himself trapped in the shrek tv again
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does she have a gambling problem or something.
Amy Adams to produce and star in ‘LAZY SUSANS,’ a new comedy for 20th Century Studios. The film is about a group of moms who form a rock band.
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West Side Story (2021).
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just found out Willem Dafoe voiced the sexy ass fish in Finding Nemo
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Angel MaMii is the closest thing this country has to Princess Diana.
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if you see her posting screenshots from this episode. just focus on yourself bro
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the way men feel when they watch clips of Jordan in 96 that’s how I feel about this video
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Do NOT have sex with someone who was mean to you in high school this weekend!! Have sex with their dad, like an adult.
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5’9” is the hottest height a man can be. send tweet. will not be reading the replies.
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and this is my wife who thinks i’m gay and annoying.
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when I’m tweeting too much that’s just my check engine light coming on.
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Dry January ❤️ unless I am eating. or if it’s someone’s birthday. or if I am kind of annoyed.
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when I see a fellow woman rewatching Fleabag I light a little prayer candle for her.
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You ever see a bartender so hot u think about killing yourself?.
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meeting someone who’s never had an eating disorder is like ok nice but how.
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@theonlyjordan__ not that I needed him to but instead of offering to get me a new one he told me it was still sitting at the top of the trash… sir,,.
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I’m the Anya Taylor-Joy of this suburban Indiana liquor store.
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once again texting my friend who is a tax accountant the night before filings are due
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This is not the perfect man this is patient zero for a new strain of chlamydia.
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You’re in his dms I’m in his apartment playing Dreams by The Cranberries while inspecting his sheets with a magnifying glass, putting new fish in his fish tank, slipping pills into his alcohol bottles, replacing the labels on all of his sardines—.
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Found half an Adderall in the pocket of a pair of pants I tried on at Aritzia. love their new marketing campaign
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reading too much into a man liking his post is the realest thing he’s done in a long time
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You’re telling me women fought for my right to work 40+ a week until I die? And I’m supposed to thank them for that??.
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Elizabeth Holmes is on trial for being a pretty woman with a deep voice.
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me: i need vyvanse to work . me on vyvanse: THREAD — charli songs as films in the criterion collection 1/67.
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sorry but this is exactly how I visualized Lennie when I read Of Mice and Men.
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The word discourse is an incredibly generous description of what most of you are doing.
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if he can name every woman in the new Charli video, just focus on yourself.
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Imagine the hottest woman in the world. Now imagine she injects herself with a deadly virus to keep it away from her ex because you made her fall in love by nearly driving her off a cliff and now she has 19 hours and 58 minutes to live. This is the plot of mission impossible 2.
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bf is making us listen to Kanye’s heartbeat while we eat dinner. “it’s like he’s here with us”
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I hate when someone acts like they’re too good for Phoenix. Sofia Coppola isn’t. You think you’re better than Sofia Coppola?.
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Asked my bf if he wanted to read Dune with me and he said “that’s a lot of pages for something that never happened” 😐.
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As a child I didn’t understand the woman from My Strange Addiction who ate her husband’s ashes and now I can’t understand anyone who wouldn’t.
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bro turn your Spotify shared listening activity on I’m trying to know you bro.
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ok. There was an adderall shortage.
Hunter Biden would smoke crack as soon as he would wake up, his ex-girlfriend testified in court. Read more 👉
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bf said he opens all takeout bags like this for “quicker access to the contents”
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Taylor Swift is just Phoebe Bridgers for people who have never been on an SSRI.
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I’m actually pro ghosting. Even when it has happened to me. It is one less text I have to respond to.
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I didn’t ask if it was “great” I asked if it was the most esoteric blowjob you’ve ever had.
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Being hungover feels like God is punishing me for being too fun and flirty. Some real Old Testament shit.
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when it hits 60 degrees in central Brooklyn they start blasting Alex G like a tornado siren.
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