Does anyone else who has experienced, long-term verbal emotional abuse find that once you come out from under that constant oppression that you now have an extremely low, almost zero tolerance for bullshit from abusive assholes?
I’ve been separated from my abuser for 6 months & have minimal contact with him (co parent), but I’ve started “hearing” his go-to insults in my head. Something random will remind me or other times it seems out of the blue. Is this a normal step in healing? The memories upset me.
@takemetomars18
That’s how I took it too. I didn’t say anything. I’m sure if I questioned him he’d say he’s just telling truth. It probably is best in theory for families to live together. Daddy is lonely. And if we ever live together again it is up to mommy…but he left out his role as abuser.
Contemplating how my life has gotten me to where I am today. My husband wasn’t abusive when I first met him…at least I didn’t know it If he was. The abuse escalated so slowly that I tolerated it for 10 yrs before I ever recognized it. I wonder if I’d not let him disrespect…
@DefendTheSheep
We went to counseling for a short time with our pastor. As my husband recounted 15 yrs of abuse, the Pastor said “but never physical right”? Then stressed the importance of a wife submitting to her husband. Even my abusive husband was confused. I never felt more betrayed & alone.
How can I feel strong & content in one moment & completely lost & broken in the next? (Not a literal moment, but def one day to the next.) It’s like “I got this. I’m a bad ass.” Then something reminds me of reality & my thoughts spiral to a place of sad hopelessness. I hate it.
Sometimes I get afraid that I’ll spend the last yrs of my life alone, but the idea of being tethered to an abuser the rest of my life is worse. A little perspective makes alone-ness seem more like a blessing. Lord willing, He will help me be content if that’s how this plays out.
When you decide to try to establish boundaries and the other person, tries to label you as controlling, difficult, or uncooperative, maybe see it as a compliment…They are frustrated with you, because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhealthy patterns of the past.
I used to cry everyday, but the more distance I have from my abuser, the less I cry, the more peace & hope I have in my life. If you are still in constant contact with your abuser, I hope that someday soon you’re able to experience the calm that comes in the absence of abuse.
Upset this morning as I’m beginning to realize the impacts my husband’s abuse has had on my children. I thought he was just abusing me all that time, but I’m starting to see the same out of control behaviors & hear the same toxic phrasing from the lips of even my youngest kids.😩
…me that very first time (whatever small controlling thing it was 🤷♀️) if it would’ve made a difference. I was easy going & deferred to his preferences to try to please him. Maybe, when I lost myself, that made him lose respect for me & that’s how the abuse cycle started?? 🤔
I’m know my abuser has legitimate mental health issues that have contributed to him being abusive. Knowing this makes me feel bad for him and second-guess my boundaries. I have to remind myself that he isn’t abusive to coworkers or extended family. He CHOOSES to abuse ME!!!
I miss feeling loved. When we were together I could at least imagine that he loved me because there were moments of tenderness. Did he ever love me? He says he still does but he’s always been so quick to point out my flaws. I wonder what it’d be like to be loved just like I am.
My biggest advice to victims: reach out to other survivors!! You’ll soon see you’re not alone in this & having someone to share your heartbreak with & discuss next steps (who’s been there) really helps to gain perspective!! Thank you to all here that have been that for me!!❤️🫂✌️
My heart is heavy thinking about the weight each of us carry. Please know I love EVERY survivor reading this & I’m praying that you’re comforted, encouraged, & find peace despite your personal trials. You are stronger than you think & you’re not alone. We are in this together!!✌️
@AwareOfTheNarc
My therapist reminds me of this same thing. My abuser acts semi decent and I’m like “Look. He’s changing.” all because we interacted for 10 minutes without him yelling, calling me names, insulting me, or making wild accusations. But I’m learning to recognize this. ❤️🩹
I wake up in the night & start thinking of all the things. I think of the past, the future, & everything I need/want to do and then I start feeling anxious that I won’t accomplish everything or I won’t do it well…and I start to worry & wish I could sleep…but I can’t.
Why would someone who is very married consistently flirt with someone like me who is also married & dealing with all the bs that is my life. I don’t like it. Please leave me alone. I’m not interested in being anyone’s side chick & I’m too married & broken to be anyone’s real one.
Does anyone else find themselves putting off easy to accomplish tasks that you know you really SHOULD do, but for whatever reason you just don’t? Like today I looked up the value of my vehicle online. Took like 5 min. I’ve put off doing this for over a year. Is it fear? Laziness?
@AbusdLivesMattr
Exactly! I moved out safely a while back, but it scares me to think what he might be capable of if he doesn’t think there’s a chance for us to get back together. Right now he’s on best behavior because he thinks getting me back is a possibility. If I take it off the table…
@Arya_fyi
Sex is great, but no amount of sex (even great sex) will 1) cause an abuser to stop being abusive nor 2) make staying in said abusive relationship bearable in the longterm. Sex is a great bandaid, but no cure-all.
@lovewins11011
I really thought my abusive husband might be the exception because he seemed genuinely remorseful, was willingly going to weekly counseling for 1yr +, stopped drinking, acted like a decent human, was good to our kids, & then I spent a little time with him. Same dog, same tricks.
@VisionaryVoid
@PicturesFoIder
And that ladies & gentlemen is what an abuser looks like. Don’t fall for a dude like that! Watch this video & thank the Lord that you were given a sneak peek into a future you don’t want. Spare yourself the misery of linking up with this sort of sludge!! If you know “him”, RUN!!!
Sometimes the enablers get to me more than the abuser does. Maybe because they raised him? Abusers & enablers are all just really awful, self-righteous people who I’d be happy to never interact with again!
I wish enablers were as adamant about accountability for the people who continually hurt others, as they are demanding that the people who’ve been hurt, forgive.
💯Mine convinced me to completely lose myself in the name of love & motherhood & now, as I try to start regaining a bit of me again, I get all sorts of push back & cutting remarks. He didn’t take care of me, he used me. It’s time for me to consider myself & that’s not selfish!!❤️🩹
If you're in a controlling relationship, do everything you can to 'safely' follow your dreams - get that job you always wanted, meet with that friend you haven't seen in a while. Every little step you take to live your life for YOU will help you regain your autonomy.
Love to all of you who are in the thick of the abuse, the escape, or the aftermath. Prayers for healing and peace! You are NOT alone. Please, reach out if you need a friend. We’re better together!! ✌️❤️🩹🫂
@DA_Survivor_
DARVO is real! My abuser pulls it often. On a whole I’d guess this claim is accurate BUT we can’t just blanket assume every woman is the victim & every man is the abuser!! I see women post about abusive women often!! They exist!! We need to be there for ALL survivors regardless!!
@NarcDecoder
@Adv0cateE
I rarely remember feeling angry when I was daily being abused, but after I left, felt some serious anger toward my abuser & myself for letting him treat me like that. Once you’re safe, you will start to process the reality of it all & feel the feelings to go with it. Hugs ❤️🩹
My abuser (who was NEVER satisfied with me when he fully had me) now likes to complain how awful his life is because he doesn’t have me anymore! What a sad, strange existence he has. My life, on the other hand, is more peaceful & fulfilling than it’s been in a very long time!
@lmn071966
@tamladawn3
@Falyn_Nicole
I finally moved out after 15+ yrs of marriage & abuse when my husband kept making threats to kill me. Before I left he said “maybe I’ll just kill all of us”. I never reported it because I wanted to protect him & I was afraid of the fallout. Abuse hides in plain sight.
Ok so I’m living separate (not legally separated) from my abuser with our kids & I have them 90%+ (his choice). He gave me some $ when I moved out, but I make way less than him and I’m trying to live on my own with all the kid expenses. He says if I need money, I can ask. 1/2
@karenmitchell__
Scary. I can see this in my husband’s family. He was the scapegoat. The projections were on his other siblings. One is the golden child and the other (slightly less golden) is the manipulated supporter. IMO they all 3 went on to be abusive. Pattern repeated for grandkids. No love
Thinking today of all of my survivor friends, who are still in the thick of it living behind enemy lines. You are survivors!! You are strong and able. You are not crazy. Sending love, prayers and healing hugs!! You’ve got this!! And if you need someone to listen, just reach out.
@B16815553
Yeah. I don’t “blame” me exactly. I know he is the wrong one in this. I just can’t wrap my head around how it happened and how I let it get as bad as it did. I’d like to understand it better for the sake of my own future & that of my children’s. How to help them avoid my fate…
I’m always reluctant to classify my abusive husband as a narcissist because he hasn’t been officially diagnosed that way, BUT I couldn’t have come up with a description of his personality that fits him any better than this one!! His mom too!! It’s spot on!! 🎯 🤯
Narcissists are miserable on their own but they convince themselves that their misery is caused by others. They use this misery as an excuse to be abusive, manipulative, and toxic. They are never satisfied and will usually find a way to blame anyone and everyone but themselves.
Ok so this excerpt from Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that” is terrifying since I keep half-expecting my abuser to show up at my house with a gun, especially if it becomes obvious that we won’t be getting back together. 😱 Trust your gut, friends, and please be careful!!
I’m sitting alone, outside, in the dark at my mom’s grave in the middle of nowhere. There’s a cool breeze, gentle chirps of the night creatures around me, the smell of iris & peonies in the air, & a sky lit with stars & the muted colors of the northern lights. God is good! 😍
That feeling when you’re definitely NOT a plumber, but with a bit of luck, a little common sense, some advice from google, $4 of supplies, and about 5 minutes of your time, you’re able to fix an ongoing plumbing issue…let’s just say it feels pretty good!!
I saw a book today that I got last fall when I left my abuser titled “Was it even abuse”. I scolded myself for wondering such a thing & then looked myself in the mirror & recounted just a handful of the things he said & did to me & THEN how far I’ve come & how God has helped!! ❤️🩹
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged...& when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab & empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
@danmartell
🙋♀️ It’s me. I’m the a$$hole. I used to try to follow the rules & keep everyone else happy, but these days if my choice is between rushing, making myself anxious & stressed OR recognizing I’m going to arrive late but I can do it calmly & in good spirits, I’m gonna do me.
My husband, who agrees he likely has undiagnosed BPD, says that I’ve been consistently emotionally neglectful in our 15+ yr marriage. I’m trying to consider his claim. Is it typical for ppl with BPD to FEEL neglected & not be or am I just being hesitant to take blame? Thoughts?
I used to have a friend that was tethered to an abuser. They were a big proponent of JADE. Don’t Justify to, Argue with, defend yourself, or explain yourself to an abuser. I think it’s decent advice because conversations always end up circular, but I sucked at JADE…
Currently separated from my abuser and he still consistently finds ways to intimidate me, make me question my motives, and leave me feeling like absolute trash.
Reflecting today after 4 mo separated. Life isn’t perfect, but the overall trend is so much better! I’m not on constant defense like before & not scrambling day to day like early separation. I’m gettin’ a groove. Enforcing boundaries. I’m OK w/ me. Thank you all for your part!❤️🩹
@lovewins11011
Thank you for sharing this!! All abuse survivors matter, regardless of their gender!! I’ve known some very good men who have been hurt and abused and I believe in many ways it’s even harder on them to escape it. 💔
Twice today I’ve been MAD!!!! I’m alone, talking to myself out loud-which is normal-& just saying “I’m MAD!!! Mad, mad, MAD!!!! Mad, mad, MAD, mad MAD!!!” And by about the 15th mad, I’m laughing. Both times. 🤷♀️ Weird. I know, but maybe worth a shot the next time you’re mad!?!
@TheFinalPam1
What has changed? The specific words he uses and the volume he speaks them. To an outsider, he could seem kind/normal now, but the undertones are all still manipulative and controlling. So, to me, he’s the same as he’s always been, abusive.
“Grief is the truest evidence of love. And we should always be grateful to have something to love, even if it means that we have to lose it.”
-Richard Paul Evans
(A Christmas Memory)
Re-listened to the audio from several months back that shows me I needed to leave. About an hour into his lecture/interrogation, my abuser screamed in my face & threatened to unalive me with the object he was holding. Highly recommend audio of abuse if you can get it safely. 1/2
I had a day planned with my teenager that didn’t materialize (change of circumstances) & I’m pretty bummed. Nobody did anything wrong, nobody to blame, it just didn’t work out like we thought. Now I feel totally deflated. 😢 I wish I didn’t. Reminds me how lonely I am sometimes.
But that makes me feel like a kid begging for more allowance. Should I keep trying to make it on my own without his $ & pursue a side hustle? 💪 OR should I tell him I need a certain amount per month as his financial responsibility toward our kids? Suggestions appreciated. 2/2
I have remind myself of this. Any amount of 💩 on the sandwich is too much. Don’t settle for a 💩 sandwich. You’re better than that. You are worth some much more than that!! Abuse is not love. Don’t let them fool you!! If they abuse you, they know it & they’re choosing to do it.
🔴Abusers don’t abuse every person they meet.
🔴Stalkers don’t stalk every person they meet.
🔴Rapists don’t rape every person they meet
🔴Murderers don’t kill every person they meet.
🔴Cannibals don’t eat every person they meet.
If you set more boundaries this time, you’re healing. If you tolerated less disrespect this time, you’re healing. If you walked away sooner this time, you’re healing. Don’t let anybody invalidate your progress. Small steps forward are still steps in the right direction. Trust the
A meh day turned into one of the best I’ve had in a really long time. An unexpected phone call (a step in healing), bargains at my favorite thrift store, driving slow with the windows down, a sunny hike & hacky sack with strangers (who are now friends). I needed this!!
#thankful
Watching others give up when they’re so close to breaking through is one of the most frustrating things.
Success demands effort, consistency and patience.
Those who persevere through the tough times are the ones who make it.
I’m living proof of that.
Fight.
I’d never heard of that before, but looked it up and they’re absolutely right!! My husband, the one who was supposed to love and cherish me, consistently treated me in the exact same ways as captors might TORTURE freaking prisoners of war!!! That’s messed up! 🤦♀️
Growing up in a family where narcissists reigned, or being married to one, the cruelty & tactics they use are the same tactics that psychologically break trained soldiers (Google Biderman's Chart of Coercion) So if you're having a setback, be kind to yourself.
#SelfCare
❤️
Ps. I'm not trying to tell anyone else how to do anything. I just thought I'd share things that are helpful to me as I move along on my healing journey. If it's not helpful to you, I won't be offended at all if you just ignore everything I say! :) 5/5
@hollowearthterf
I don’t think it even matters which we ARE safer with. What says more is that many of us would FEEL safer with a bear!! I know all men aren’t bad, but we’ve experienced enough of the bad ones, that many of us’d rather take our chances with something we’re less familiar with. 🐻
After the threat, he escalated & kept me from leaving when I tried. Then he cried, gave ultimatums, and eventually started blaming me for his behavior over the several days prior. These audios are great reminders that I use when I start to second guess my boundaries. ❤️🩹
@JoannaisWriting
Thank you! My abuser does that. He claims I’m abusing him by establishing and enforcing boundaries. He’s really convincing. Sometimes I start to believe what he’s saying.
My base self is chill. I felt anxious around my abuser bc I didn’t want to make him mad, but this this sort of anxiety that comes on all of a sudden is happening when I’m alone & can’t see an obvious tie between him & my action. I went to google for insight. 🤦♀️ Is there hope?
As I finish up my 6th month of "freedom" from my abuser, I think I'm finally feeling strong enough to start studying some things out for myself. I spent some time this past weekend doing just that & the first verses I looked at were Galatians 6:1-7. It talks of carefully...1/?
My abuser’s mom sent me a rude text that I shared with my therapist for a 2nd opinion. His mom found out & said she didnt appreciate me sharing her private info with anyone, but it’s exactly that ⬇️. If you don’t want ppl to know you’re an awful person, maybe don’t be one?? 🤷♀️
@JacklenaB
Yeah mine starts out with a genuine-sounding apology for undeniable wrongs he has committed, but it never fails that by the end of it, somehow, it always turns out to be my fault.
PSA to all abusers!!!!
DON’T f*cking threaten to kill someone and then a few months later tell them they aren’t being a good wife because they won’t forget that it happened!!! 🖕