My dad left when I was 11 and also died from COVID back in January. We think he might’ve contracted it at the grocery store, making it the second time in my life my dad went to get milk and didn’t come back
#HappyFathersDay
#deaddad
Today is 2 years of
#sobriety
for me!! I’ve traded in blackouts, fist fights and crashing cars for recording
#1
albums, losing 30lbs and a dream job. This meant so much to my dad, and I’m glad he was able to see me get my shit together. Here’s to the best decision I’ve ever made
My dad passed away last night. I became so close to him in the last 7 months working out. It was the first time we spent real, quality time together and I will always be grateful for that. Rest easy, Pobbs. I know someday we will be together again, laughing just like this ❤️
Excitement level 10000000000 for one year of
#sobriety
today!!!! Without a doubt in my mind, this was the best decision I’ve ever made. Every single aspect of my life is infinitely better and I’m just one grateful, happy lady. Thank you all for the support. Today is a good day 💕
Achievement unlocked-Goal Weight!
HoW’d yOu Do iT???
No booze. 1300-1500 calories per day, weight lifting 3x per week, fasted cardio (usually HIIT) 2x per week, every week for 5 months. Hard work and dedication works, who knew 🤷🏼♀️
#CrushingIt
#TransformationTuesday
#WeightLoss
Say what you want about Bill Burr and his monologue, but he managed to upset both racists and liberals with facts, and that’s what makes him one of the greatest comedians of all time.
Clevelanders respond to seeing sunshine the same way city folks respond to seeing deer.
“Wow! Look at it! Just out in the open like that. Shhh, shhh, shhh....don’t scare it away...”
The same guys complaining that removing confederate statues is “erasing history” would be furious if a woman wanted to keep her own last name in marriage.
OMG YOU GUYS!!!!!!! My album was submitted to
@SiriusXMComedy
and I just found out that they accepted the ENTIRE thing!!!!! This is so crazy. You hope they take one or two tracks to throw into rotation, but the whole album across three stations?! Just, wow. 🤭🤭🤭 (1/5)
Therapist: “what do you hope to get out of our time together?”
Me: “I just want the confidence of anyone who goes live on Facebook while 3 people watch.”
1 year difference. If you want to make a change in your life, you can. Stop being a pussy, quit putting up w/ your own bullshit, and get out of your way. Life’s too short to not feel hot 💁🏼♀️🔥full sob story on my IG(marysantoracomedy)
#CrushingIt
#TransformationTuesday
#weightloss
Hi, real quick, I have done my best not to use the word, “sober” bc I smoke weed. Wed marks 4 months without booze. If you’ve got that big of a problem with me bettering myself while also relaxing with a natural substance that doesn’t ruin my life, go ahead and unfollow. Kthx 🤗
The outpouring of love my we have received since my dad has been tremendous and so appreciated. I can’t begin to describe it. If you could spare a few dollars to help with expenses, we would appreciate it. If not, a simple RT also helps. Thank you guys ❤️
On our way to cheer on the
@Browns
in 2013. We tried to make it a tradition to go every year for my birthday, but my birthday is 11/25 and it was always so cold. Either way, I know he’s gonna be watching with me today. HERE WE GO BROWNIES, HERE WE GO! 🤎🏈🧡
#dad
#love
#browns
Today has been a real whirlwind of emotions already. I accidentally ate moldy cheese and then found out my album is
#1
on Amazon during presale. What a day.
Ive been rejected from 6 comedy festivals this year.
In September alone, I’m set to headline 8 one nighters, feature two clubs, and play a theater in Chicago.
No ones path is the same and literally nothing in comedy makes sense. Just work hard and focus on the good shit 🤷🏼♀️✌🏼
Had a text drafted out to send to a guy, went to copy it and send it to my sisters first to see if it made me sound crazy, accidentally sent it to him instead. I admitted to stalking both his and his ex’s instagrams in said text. He has not responded.
#ForeverAlone
Just a quick shout out to the city of Cleveland for showing up in bigger numbers to my headlining set last Thursday at
@Hilarities
than to greet Trump today. Y’all are the real MVPs ❤️🙌🏼
I can’t believe I am saying this, but I PAID OFF MY CAR TODAY!!!!!!!! Not only will I save thousands of dollars in interest, but this will put an extra $360 in my pocket every single month, and I have all of YOU to thank for it!!!! (1/3)
#SoberStPatricksDay
8:04pm-at home, in bed. No public crying, no picking fights with strangers, not out hundreds of dollars. Just a fun day filled with good friends and people watching. I could get used to this 🤗
Woke up to the news that my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” hit
#1
on both the iTunes and Amazon comedy charts ANNNND is sitting at
#24
on the OVERALL iTunes Charts for all genres!!!!! Thank you so much to everyone who’s already purchased it and if you haven’t, get on it! Wow 🥰
Today marks 7 months sober. I’m celebrating by performing at one of the best clubs in the country with one of the best comics. Come check out
@thatchaddaniels
and I at Denver
@ComedyWorks
this weekend. Life. Is. Great 🤗❤️
Presale for my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” starts next week! Working on this over the past few weeks has been very comforting and there’s a special track in there where dad makes a cameo and I couldn’t be more excited for you guys to hear it. Mark your calendars for 1/27!🔥🤗
Crazy honored to be chosen to represent Ohio in Thrillist’s “50/50: The Best Undiscovered Comedian From Every State.” Give it a read and retweet. These comics are next level great 🤩❤️✌🏼
#CrushingIt
#TrappingWoodchucks
#LifeIsGood
If you’re feeling sad and lonely this year I just want you all to know that after being a widow for twelve years, my 66yr old aunt got engaged this Christmas and you didn’t lol fuckin loser.
Today marks 8 years in comedy. I fucking love my life and am constantly amazed that it’s real. Thank you to everyone who has ever come to a show, shared a post, covered a bar shift, bought a poster, listened to the radio, or just offered some love along the way 🥰🔥❤️
#CrushingIt
The amount of support and love you guys have shown me over the last 2 days has been truly overwhelming. I wanted to say I appreciate and love you all more than you know. I’m excited to start this next chapter of my life and truly love myself for the first time ever. Thank you ❤️
Double whammy today. First birthday and thanksgiving without you. I miss you so much Pobbs. Gonna stuff my face and picture you and your fast ass fork right next to me before napping on the couch and making it “all about mar” when it’s time for cake. I love you. Here’s to 32 💕
I’m finally getting to see my boyfriend tonight after two weeks of quarantine and God was like, “oh shit, isn’t it your birthday?! I almost forgot your gift! There ya go! Have fun tonight!”
Anyway, I’m 31 and not pregnant.
The day has come!!!! Click the link to preorder my debut album, “Hillbilly Boujee” !!! Liking and RT will make all the difference in the world, so he’ll spread the word! Thank you guysssss 💕💕💕
I’ve been kinda down lately and realized it’s bc I haven’t been consistently working out in like 2 months. It’s amazing what just 20min on the treadmill can do. Treat your body right and quit being a lazy piece of shit. You’ll feel better, I promise.
****BIG ANNOUNCEMENT****
I will be recording my very first comedy album with
@HeliumPresents
at
@Hilarities
on 12/6!! It means so much to do this at my home club in my city, so join let’s make it one for the books!!! (Cont w/thread for safety/more info)
my boyfriend told me he fell in love with me when we went canoeing over the summer and my ultimate dream of becoming a country song has FINALLY come true.
Shoutout to
@HaloTopCreamery
for sending me some of their dairy free flavors! Thanks for being dedicated to making my life infinitely better. Congratulations, you’re my boyfriend now 😍🍦💛
#CrushingIt
#HellYes
#Bae
I’m at the age where physically perfect 24yr olds aren’t doing much for me, but I really wanna have a convo with the 33yr old who looks like he’s cried in public.
#GrowingUp
Ya girl got her
@Invisalign
on today!!!! I can’t begin to describe the overwhelming joy that I’m feeling right now!! Ive been waiting for this my entire life! Call Dr. Rich Flores at 440-975-5774 and set up your FREE consultation today! Tell him Mary sent ya 😁
#ad
#happy
#smile
WE DID IT!!!!! Both shows for my album recording are sold out and I can’t begin to describe what this means to me! Thank you all so so much! It’s going to be an amazing night 🥰😭🔥
#CrushingIt
#Cleveland
#ThankYou
@Hilarities