alan cox
@alancoxshow
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weekdays 2-6:30p EST @WMMS + @IHeartRadio • 800-348-1007 • TikTok/YouTube: thealancoxshow • alan @alancoxshow .com
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@Angry_Staffer
Herschel Walker explained all of this:
“Our good air decided to float over to China's bad air, so when China gets our good air, their bad air got to move.”
Balloon physics. Duh.
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An extraordinary explanation of a very divisive subject.
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Warren Zevon
George Carlin
James Baldwin
Ta-Nehisi Coates
Conan O’Brien
Jack Daniels
Name some people who helped you get through trump’s failed presidency:
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Never angry when this clip makes the rounds again.
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Today is the last Friday that Donald Trump will be President.
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Trump said he’d “run the US government like he ran his businesses”, and those all shut down. Promises made, promises kept! So much winning!
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"Everyone in the path of the hurricane should head to their second or third homes for safety."
#RomneyStormTips
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@matthewjdowd
Not feeling this. Overestimating borne of caution. Underestimating a result of incompetence and/or ulterior motives.
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Due to an unfortunate typo, I’ll be spending tonight in a haunted porn maze. Wish me luck.
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I’ll have to explain “holographic horse” next time I’m asked by my child what animal I’d most like to be.
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“Jubilation” is a word we haven’t heard in a national context in a long time.
Congrats,
@JoeBiden
&
@KamalaHarris
. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
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Dude’s mouth breathing harder than his supporters.
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A reality show host is picking the Supreme Court.
Remember that phrase next time you wonder if you should vote.
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To you gun nuts who whine at me about how stupid I sound talking firearms. That’s how you sound when you play pretend scientist.
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The Rams may have lost a “Super Bowl”, but they won a “Don’t Have To Go To The White House.”
#SuperBowl53
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His is the one with stars & stripes, instead of his own name. You’ll see them everywhere.
I never see people driving around with Biden flags, someone want to explain how this guy who couldn’t fill a high school auditorium is leading currently?
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Oh yeah? Would someone pretentious point out that “know it alls” should be hyphenated??
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Send Mary some good vibes today. ❤️
My dad passed away last night. I became so close to him in the last 7 months working out. It was the first time we spent real, quality time together and I will always be grateful for that. Rest easy, Pobbs. I know someday we will be together again, laughing just like this ❤️
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“Sir, I understand Cleveland is planning one dedicated to losing. Maybe they’d let you piggyback on that?”
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For all those wondering, this is my son Nestor. We share no blood but he is my life. He came from Cuba (legally, of course) six years ago and lives with me in Florida.
I am so proud of him and raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life.
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There were no tests for something that didn’t exist until now, you mendacious corpulent yam.
Trump: We inherited "obsolete" "broken" tests from Obama admin. Now we have good tests.
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Congrats to the Democratic Republic of the Congo! Your "Golden State Warriors 2016 NBA Champions" shirts are en route!
#ALLin216
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Probably also violating the planet’s terms of service.
People are reporting Trump for violating Twitter’s terms of service by threatening nuclear war
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Tom Brady is so bummed, he’ll probably only kiss his son on the cheek tonight.
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“Gonna defrost some corn dogs.”
Men reveal the five words they LOVE hearing straight after sex – what do you want to hear?
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@ClayTravis
@espn
Which is why they’re spotlighting them. As athletes. On a sports network. Cool story, tho.
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It’s a real bummer that more people give a shit about Aaron Rodgers’s thoughts on science than Colin Kaepernick’s on history.
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Me: How are you?
Giant Eagle cashier: Two friends of mine died this year.
Me:
Cashier:
Me: Hey. Those are apples, not pears.
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When
@BarackObama
said he’d consider a meeting w Kim Jong-un, Hannity, McConnell, et al. went shithouse. Called him “vain and inexperienced.” Said he was risking our national security.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, man. Good times, right?
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I was always under the impression that
@TedNugent
was pro-teen, but I guess that was limited to adopting them so he could fuck them.
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Cashier just told me to “stay cool.” Not sure if she was referring to the weather or she’s just worried that I’ll stop being so fucking cool all the time.
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And read “The Fire Next Time.”
“Why must you always concentrate on color?”
(“Why must you bring race into this Rittenhouse trial?”)
James Baldwin had a few thoughts…
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Just passed a guy raking his leaves to the curb, as the wind blew half of them back in his face. A futile effort, but his
#Browns
hoodie proves he’s clearly comfortable with that concept.
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Let's erect statues of freed slaves everywhere to see how adamant the white power nitwits would still be about "preserving history."
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Weird. I don't hear any PizzaGate dolts taking up arms against this guy.
Former Trump Kentucky campaign chair charged with human sex trafficking of a minor
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Fuck, 2020. Just stop already. 💔
Eddie Van Halen, the Hall of Fame guitarist who revolutionized the instrument and influenced countless musicians, has died at the age of 65
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So, not proud.
All the Proud Boy vehicles have tape over their license plates.
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Turns out
@KamalaHarris
is a Steely Dan fan. As if I needed another reason to be smitten.
#BidenHarris2020
🇺🇸
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*chef’s kiss*
If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed.......and we will deserve it.
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This really blows. One of the only guests I’ve ever been starstruck over. A hilarious, generous, and subversive Ohioan. RIP.
Fred Willard, the prolific comic actor and frequent star of Christopher Guest films like 'Best in Show' and 'A Mighty Wind,' has died at age 86
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Watching the MAGA crowd suddenly love on
@chrisrock
because he criticized
@SpeakerPelosi
is gross. Trust and believe he still wants each of you to fuck all the way off.
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Does anyone really care about Trump's vacation? He'll just be doing nothing in a different location.
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It was only supposed to be 2.
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Oh, are I?
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Stop mocking
#GaryJohnson
for thinking Aleppo was an acronym. The Alaskan Logging Expansion & Ping Pong Occupation isn't laughing.
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Fun game to play with your right-
wing friends: Replace “gun” with “illegal immigrant” and they’ll suddenly be brimming with solutions to the problem!
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Don’t let Trump see this. He may suggest piss play as a vaccine.
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I bet Obama didn’t have to ask.
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Bravo to all the dolts who pretended Obama was "coming for their guns", but seem cool with Trump ACTUALLY coming for their health insurance.
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If you don’t know that the cost of providing people with healthy food is less than the cost of treating healthcare problems from unhealthy food, you shouldn’t be deciding federal welfare policy.
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FATE NEWS!
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.
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OH. You mean they protested? At a sporting event????
The Latest: Vice President Mike Pence and his wife did not stand for the combined Korean team’s entrance.
#OpeningCeremony
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“Are my fingers supposed to feel hot?”
Every time Trump holds up a Bible for the cameras an angel coughs up blood.
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Reminder that our 9/11 was also their 9/11.
A top State Department official told Congress Monday evening that the Saudis view the massive attack on their oil infrastructure as their 9/11, according to two congressional sources
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Sheet Legal.
Someone is cruising around Milwaukee in a motorized Porta Potty...
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Given the state of our surveillance culture, it’s surprising that the origin & whereabouts of Cotton Eye Joe remain unknown.
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Winner.
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This
@Eminem
+
@machinegunkelly
diss battle is honestly the best thing to happen to white people since the last best thing to happen to white people.
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29,000 of the half-million American Covid deaths are from Florida, but by all means, fly the state flags half-staff for Rush Limbaugh.
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Even worse, a whole bunch of other channels air a show about a twice-divorced, pussy-grabbing father of five!
Disney Channel aired a children's show featuring a family with two moms. The effort to push perversion on our children never ceases.
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