Jared Freid
@jtrain56
Followers
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Following
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Comedian. Board Lord. Inventor of the U up? text.
Instagram: @jaredfreid
Joined March 2009
New Zealand and Australia!!! I’m coming!! ASSEMBLE THE BREKKIE CREW!!! I’ve got shows!! Tell a friend a brother a sister a mamma a pappa!! Anyone near a koala who likes a laugh!! 🎟️ 🔗in bio! #newzealand #australia #comedy #standup #standupcomedy
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It’s “How did this person afford this trip to Europe?” month on Instagram.
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Nothing is scarier to someone above the age of 30 and having a relaxing drink than watching a DJ start setting up.
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Rams Fans are like, “Ya it would be cool if we won. When’s the game?” And Bengals fans are like “IF WE WIN MY GRANDFATHER’S SOUL WILL BE FREED!!!”.
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I will be saying, “It’s 930 but it would’ve been 1030” to myself for the next 3 months.
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America’s overall response to covid can be summed up by a vaccination card that isn’t wallet sized.
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No, your girlfriend isn’t on her period. She didn’t get Taylor Swift tickets. There will be two times of the month this month. Act accordingly.
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You can tell what episode of #LoveIsBlind someone is on based on who they like. Someone just told me they love Kenneth and I’m like “Oh you’re in the pods still.”.
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The bar is so low for guys that Prince Harry tells his fiancé that she “looks amazing” at THEIR WEDDING and girls are like “Where can I find a guy like that?!”.
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The true measure of adulthood is waking up to daylight savings instead of experiencing it in a bar as it happens.
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I thought I had seen all the Mondays. But a pandemic January Monday following the New Year is the most Monday of all the Mondays.
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I don’t care how unhealthy the snack, if it’s Trader Joe’s I assume it’s healthier. It could be a marshmallow chocolate chip cracker pizza cookie lasagna and I’d be like, “It’s organic!”.
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After an hour on TikTok, I’m just not sure what sorority is right for me, a 37 year old man.
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Let’s add a “yikes” button to Instagram and watch the world burn.
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Every Sunday is a decision between 10,000 steps and 10,000 calories.
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If your girlfriend says she “didn’t eat anything today” don’t list the things she actually ate today. It won’t go over well.
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That person whose post is stuck at the top of my Instagram feed will never get a like from me again.
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Just admit it, NONE of us had Spencer and Heidi lasting longer than Kristin and Jay.
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Some guys are a few days away from seeing their girlfriend’s real eyelashes.
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2019: “Keys?! Wallet?! Phone?!”. 2020: “Keys?! Wallet?! Phone?! Mask?! Spread awareness about systematic racism?! Hand sanitizer?!.
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It’s definitely harder to be a woman. Joe Exotic lured straight men into homosexuality with meth, sold tigers on the black market, and he cared more about his financial security than his employee losing an arm and I’m still like “Fuck Carole Baskin.”.
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I love the Instagram post that’s two women looking hot with the caption like, “Watch out NYC!”. NYC is going to be fine. It’s handled violence, Santacon, and the eighties. It doesn’t need to “watch out” for two girls taking the train from Long Island.
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Happy 4th of July to the giant hair clip. You went from the bathroom to Saturday night summertime attire. A rags to riches tale.
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Me, on my way to the airport, the morning after saying “I’ll sleep on the plane”
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“DON’T CALL ME UNLESS IT’S SAD AND WEIRD!” - Steve Carell to his agent the last five years.
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A quick story about why you should always fly with your significant other:
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I have a feeling Matt James isn’t getting engaged tonight due to the increase in his skateboarding content. #TheBachelor.
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There are couples a year into dating who have never seen each other get too drunk at a bar.
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@blairsocci You went to screenshot this so quickly he couldn’t even get out his next awful line!! Lol.
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I will remember the food at your cocktail hour for the rest of your life. Choose wisely.
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Covid may have caused a lot of issues but it saved the guy who was going to confess his love for his high school crush at a bar tonight.
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“Let’s just get a drink in Italy!” - Guy with no job to engaged woman. #bachelorinparadiseabc.
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Charcuterie boards are like babies because anyone can make them and everyone thinks the one they made is great.
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It’s so weird watching all the ceremonies surrounding the Queen’s death. We’ve got a long time in America before we have to do the same for Kris Jenner.
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I don't want to make any generalizations but everyone storming the Capitol looks like they recently ate Beefaroni.
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I’m not sure who’s a bigger loser - the person looking at my story 40 seconds after I posted it or me checking to see who looked at my story 40 seconds after posting it.
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If you have fried pickles on your menu then you need to show us how they’re cut!!!.
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Snowstorms lose a lot of their magic when you’ve already been locked in your house for 9 months.
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I just showed my girlfriend a video of two holocaust survivors reuniting on Instagram and she spent the whole time asking why I was following the girl who posted it.
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Having Netflix is basically me paying a monthly subscription to own The Office DVDs.
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Your water can only be 4 ounces but this person can bring this horse.
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Six emails a week is teetering on a lot from a company I bought one hat from.
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Nobody would be as quick to share the five Instagram profiles they looked at most this year.
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As host of #TheBachelor I will only allow the man leading the show to take the women on dates that he can afford! Get ready to see how a couple navigates a bloomin onion!!! #JTRAIN4HOST.
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I just had to say to myself, “No, this is not the virus. You drank two bottles of wine last night.”.
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This post-engagement video looks like the scenes on Dateline before a guy murders his wife. #TheBachelor.
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Love Is Blind Pod Convos:. Man: “I grew up reading. ”. Woman: “BOOKS!?”. Man: “Oh my god I was about to say books.”. Woman: “I’m crying.”. Man: “Me too!” (He isn’t). Woman: “This is fate”. (Old music from dramatic parts of The Hills plays).
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Merry Christmas to the people who met on a dating app last week who are now texting “Merry Christmas” to a stranger to keep the momentum up.
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“If I go to bed now then I’ll get 8 hours of sleep.” - Me to myself at a bar while I have a tab open.
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The real unknown of the Omicron variant is going to be how my mom pronounces it.
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If you’re texting someone “Happy Birthday” and the last text is a “Happy Birthday” exchange then the friendship has ended.
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Somewhere in this country a guy is pumping himself up to tell a girl he went to high school with he’s been in love with her for years. Somewhere in this country a girl is in for the most awkward night of her life.
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My engagement caption is going to be, “I guess my hoe phase is over.”.
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Jessica: I’m looking for babies right away. Mark: I’m ready! Let’s do it!. Jessica: Ok, well when I’m 80 the kid will be 46!. Mark: Thats how aging works! My mom is that much older than me!. Jessica: Whoaaaa why are you trying to make me your mom?!.#LoveIsBlind.
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My girlfriend just blamed me for her quarantine eating. She said “When I look at you I don’t think about green smoothies, I think about greasy Chinese food.”.
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A dad just told his 5 year old daughter to, “Say good morning!” because some random guy said hi to them and she said, “I don’t want to say hi to people.” And she’s right.
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Trump went full influencer! . “A lOt Of YoU HaVe BeEn AsKiNggggggg!!!”.
To all of those who have asked, I will not be going to the Inauguration on January 20th.
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26 years old: “I can’t drink like that anymore”. 36 years old: “I can’t eat pizza like that anymore.”.
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Your charcuterie board didn’t fool anyone, we know you’re a mess.
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There’s currently two economic classes in this country, Eras Tour attendees and peasants.
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There’s no better feeling than being right about wearing a light jacket.
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Remember your most unhinged friends during the pandemic?! Well they are BACK as a war correspondent!!.
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Victoria acted like the only places on earth that sell drinks for a date are Nashville, New York, and the country of Italy. #bachelorinparadiseabc.
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I can’t believe I haven’t lost twenty pounds after I chose the Justin’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups instead of the Reese’s.
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Bachelorette parties seem like a group of women taking an expensive trip to have a photo shoot.
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White Claw is The Dave Mathews Band of drinks. Great product, horrible fans.
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In my single days I’d look up women I’ve matched with on dating apps on Instagram. Now I look up women I’ve seen on Say Yes To The Dress to see if they’ve gotten a divorce. Same rush.
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Twitter is a weird place for news. I don’t think our brains were meant to take in “Your mind will be blown by how Lindsay Lohan says her name” followed by “Russia is going to war.”.
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Nobody:. Person Moving Out Of New York City: “I don’t even know where to start about this journey. (7 paragraph caption)”.
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When the airplane door shuts and the seat next to you is open it feels like you just won the lottery.
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Someone asked me why ghosting sucks. Because you feel stupid. Like you knocked on the door of a house for 15 min and someone you thought was your friend was inside telling people “SHHH don’t answer! This person is obsessed with me.” When you only wanted to kind of hang out.
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A dating app for people in their 30s where the only way you’re allowed on the app is with a signed recommendation from two exes or three therapists.
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I can’t believe my diet of coffee and alcohol isn’t working for my gut health.
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The CDC has announced that you’re going to feel weird leaving the house without a mask for 6 months.
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Twitter is fun because I’ve always wondered what someone who graduated from a liberal arts college with a 2.3 GPA thinks about a congressional hearing.
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Your girlfriend’s true form is how she reacted to the Vanderpump Tom Sandoval news.
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In college you’re like, “Ya, I’ve lost like 10 pounds from switching to vodka instead of beer!”. At 30 you’re like, “Ya, I’m off dairy, gluten, alcohol, sugar, and I work out every day. I’m the same weight but I feel a difference mentally for 30 minutes after my workout!”.
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“I see it, I like it, I can’t afford it, I got it.” - Millennial Anthem.
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Right now an influencer is making promises to God about how they’re going to change their life if they bring Instagram back like people do during a turbulent flight.
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This halftime is brought to you by, “Songs my mom listens to on her iPod at the gym.” #SuperBowl53.
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Just remember, nobody with abs is happy. Going to the gym every day and counting to 10 over and over is a horrible life.
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