chaddaniels
@thatchaddaniels
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24,808
Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Stand-up Comedian. I’m on tour! Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.
Minnesota
Joined December 2008
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
New special MIXED REVIEWS free on YouTube right now! It’s the Black Friday deal of the year!
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This country is acting like a class with a substitute teacher
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Turns out the Fuck Your Feelings people have so many feelings....
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I’ve been secretly recording every conversation I have with other comedians. If I’m not getting SNL... nobody is.
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Why did we get kicked out of the comedy club? WE WERE JUST LAUGHING!!!
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Remember when Coolio was 23 and didn’t know if he’d live to be 24? He’s 57.
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My daughter just said, “what if boxing was just slapping?” And now I can’t stop thinking about how great that would be.
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My therapist died today. Who in the hell do I talk to about that?
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All this because a father never told his son he was enough. Make sure you do that tonight, Fellas.
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Has anyone even considered that Rush asked Cruz to bring his ashes to the first place they ever fucked?
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$14 Billion spent on this election. Some Americans got $1200 for relief during a pandemic.
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Guy: The lord is my Shepard
Same guy: IDIOT SHEEPLE!!!
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Remember when you said you voted for him because he’s a guy you could have a beer with? Well... you’re gonna have to buy the round
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Quit calling it a dad joke just because you said some unfunny shit. That’s a you joke. You, specifically, are not funny. Stop blaming it on us.
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At the college championship they just announced the different branches of the military and Space Force was before Coast Guard hahaha they just can’t catch a break
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Lost my virginity 28 years ago, today. It’s amazing what a heart-shaped pizza from Domino’s will get you.
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My mom’s name is Karen. She named her son Chad. She’s the queen of those bitches.
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Just started the first season of Game of Thrones. Thought it would take a while to get to know the characters, but within the first 20 minutes Draco Malfoy made his sister Elsa from Frozen marry Aquaman. I’m all caught up.
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I was just about to help an old woman cross the street but then I remembered I’m a comedian and by law I have to “stick to comedy”.
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A woman was eating Oreos out of the package. I asked if she would give me two of them for a dollar. She said no because it’s Saturday and she’s going to eat them all. It’s been a while since I’ve respected something this much.
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A person that says “what if someone aborts the next Einstein” would never agree with their science and facts anyway...
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Just showed up to an escape room by myself. It’s the cockiest thing I’ve ever done.
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Oh my god I was just watching ESPN and trump pardoned the interruption
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Two weeks ago I was told Biden couldn’t complete a sentence. Now, he’s masterminded a takeover of the United States election. That’s quite the recovery. He must use Trump’s doctors.
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In case you’ve forgotten what love looks like....
This mother surprises her daughter — who is fighting cancer. Love.
Break out the tissues...
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My daughter just said, “Look... it’s just one goose. It’s a goo.”
How long is school cancelled?
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I know this is a selfish use of a time machine, but I’d go back to Chernobyl, get radiation poisoning, then come back here so the current US government could suck all three of my dicks.
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If people used as many condoms as they do straws this place would really be different
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IT’S TODAY!
#DadChaniels
is on
@amazon
. I hope you watch it. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you review it. Here’s a secret... this year has been wild and it’s all because of you. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.
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How in the holy mother fuck can you still not think climate change is real?
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If your vote is based solely on abortion laws you should be required to adopt a child.
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My favorite days are when the sun blinds you from every angle while providing zero warmth
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The same guys that say “I don’t care if someone is gay as long as they don’t push their lifestyle on me” sure don’t mind telling women what to do with their bodies.
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You should be in your seat and your candy should be opened by the time the movie starts you fucking animals
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I turned 45 with the 45th president in the White House. I’d love to turn 46 with the 46th.
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This is a fascinating time to be alive. The king of the dipshits has allowed all the dipshits to act even more like dipshits but someday the president won’t be a dipshit but all of the dipshits will have outed themselves as dipshits by their dipshittery
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America wouldn’t let a sprinter go to the olympics because she smoked weed and then Jamaica took gold, silver, and bronze 😂
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Guys where I live act like you get an extra vote for every flag you have flying on your truck.
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You can either bitch about not seeing your grandma on what might be her last thanksgiving or your family can go to her house and make sure of it...
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I’ve officially been doing standup comedy for half of my life 👴🏼
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Pleeeeeeease watch Bill Burr’s monologue from SNL last night hahahahaha some people are so mad what a bunch of nightmarish losers
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I had only enough milk for cereal OR a latte. I chose cereal. When I was done with my fruit loops I steamed the leftover milk for a latte and now I’ll never not do that.
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To all of your stupid fucking questions... this is why.
He noticed a man assaulting a woman & he intervened. When police arrived, he raised his hands & attempted to explain what was going on. Police fired tasers at him & when his body convulsed from the electrical current, they “perceived a threat” & shot him to death
JOHNATHAN PRICE
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Thought I lost my sense of taste and smell yesterday but I was just eating a salad
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Dear Men,
How in the holy fuck can you not get all of your piss into a urinal? Focus.
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HOW AM I GONNA GET BALD EAGLE JIZZ IN MY MOUTH IF I’M WEARING A MASK?!?!?
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Some people that have a problem wearing masks sure have no problem parking in a handicap spot because they’re fat...
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So... you don’t get what the kneeling is really about AND your socks won’t stay up. That’s a tough day.
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Surprised Notre Dame fans are complaining about fouls since most Catholics can’t see bad touches
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If Sandlot was released today they all would be arrested for bullying and Squints would be ostracized for sexually harassing a lifeguard. 2017 is the best.
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Mass shooting after mass shooting and people cry 2nd amendment to protect assault rifles. A couple of people get teased during dinner and we’re questioning Freedom of Speech? Hold your breath until it gets dark.
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I don’t normally post sentimental things, but today is 43 years without Heroin. Feels great.
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I guess I’m just glad that parents did everything they could to get masks out of schools so the shooters can see the child’s entire, terrified face.
Fuck this place.
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I’m sorry your dad called you a faggot when you dropped the game winning touchdown pass in high school. You should talk to someone because I’m tired of having to deal with the rage you carry on the highway. Not letting somebody pass you isn’t going to make him love you.
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Whenever I need a good laugh I just think about Blake Shelton raising some of Gavin Rossdale’s children.
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I’ve gotten to the point where I miss people I don’t even really like
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If Pro Life people would donate to cover the costs of birth then maybe it would make sense hahaha I’m kidding IT’S STILL NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS
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How many my-dad-never-said-I-love-you tears can you hide in cargo shorts pockets?
NOW: Large crowd in front of Buffalo City Court to support two suspended police officers who are expected to be charged this morning. We are live on and Channel 2 Daybreak.
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The 1st Amendment has protected my career and has allowed me to put food on the table. If it ever endangered the lives of children, especially over and over, I would gladly give it up. I’d find a job where I didn’t need to talk. You can find another fucking hobby.
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To Everyone
The dryer is not your dresser
The dishwasher is not your cupboard
Put your shit away
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When I was in my 20s and I had a network meeting in LA I’d spend two hours a day in the gym and not eat carbs for a month before I went. Last week before my meeting I didn’t even shower. Being in my 40s is amazing.
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Lebron will NEVER.. and I MEAN NEVER... be as good as Michael Jackson. So, cut the shit.
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Jon Gruden fired for racist comments meanwhile there are still five major sports teams in Boston
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The idea that a bunch of people use the term Sheeple is fantastically ironic.
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10 yr old boy just asked a 10 yr old girl, “what’s your favorite color?”. She yelled, “Purple!”. He said, “that’s all about to change when you see the water at the beach”.
I’m 43 and I’ve never said anything this cool.
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I know this tweet is two years old, but I just laughed for 15 straight minutes. Really glad I found it.
I told my girlfriend I wrote her a poem but it was just the theme song to King of Queens.
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Did anyone ask the Colorado shooter how his day was going before he did it? Or if he had a sexual attraction to grocery shoppers? Just wondering what excuse we’ll give this guy.
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I’ve started telling stories about how I used to do comedy.
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A lot of people think that success involves being in a magazine, or getting accused of sexual harassment. Well, I have a joke on the door of a comedy club and that's good enough for me.
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News anchor just said, “the president looked lethargic” and then said, “that means tired” so his base could follow along 😂
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Let’s rewrite the rules for our country. Let’s start with some small ones that seem to make sense, but don’t exist. I’ll start: the info in political ads has to be correct and can’t employ fear mongering. Quote tweet and add your realistic rule.
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Here’s something for everybody that posted pictures of a Target being looted to share.
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Gentlemen… it’s time to live up to the name. Hearing your voices has been great, but let’s act.
1) have a condom on you. You’re a stud, right? Prove it.
2) not ready to help with any consequences that sex can bring? Choose oral. For real start with oral anyways.
(Next)
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It’s always great to see some shitbag getting 500k likes by tweeting a line they saw in a standup’s act. You think it’s your youth keeping people from hiring you? It’s your lack of an original thought.
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You can get a 4, 6, 8, 12, and 24 piece chicken McNugget but there’s one size of McFlurry...? Fuck that.
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to build something new you first have to tear down the old
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We should probably take a look at the high school curriculum. There are kids that can solve 3n + 4n - 2 = 63, but have no clue how to deal with their emotions.
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If you want to show your kids what too many drugs can do to your brain have them try to check out at guitar center
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When I was a kid sometimes I would pee on my sweatpants drawstring because it was longer than my dick. Finally, at age 43, I’m happy to announce... I’ve started removing the drawstring altogether.
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If you're a person that demands the flag gets respect by standing for it maybe you should also oppose gun laws that keep it at half mast.
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KEEP COUNTING IN ARIZONA!!! WE NEED TO WIN! STOP COUNTING IN PENNSYLVANIA!!! WE ALREADY WON!
He really is fucking adorable.
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Herschel Walker’s hypocritical stance on abortion is under attack by his own children. Well… not all of them…
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Sure hope everybody loosens the fuck up after this...
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Most people that are against abortion just hope there’s enough of someone else’s kids standing in front of theirs when a shooting happens.
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I’ve been out of town. Did they ever make America great again?
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Podcast host: How’d you get into comedy?
Me: My dad used to lift me up by my neck, hold me against the wall, and tell me he wished the neighbor kid was his son... wait... are you asking about my first open mic?
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If a child ever says, “I helped today!”... They’re fucking lying.
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Three hours and 22 minutes until no more political ads.
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Well played, Tinder... a truer statement never tweeted
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Watching football is so much more enjoyable when your team isn’t playing
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Got an angry email about some comments I made about the Catholic Church. I forwarded it to another email address so it could quietly do more damage there.
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haha trump is putting his name on the memo line of the stimulus checks so it’s going to look like the United States is paying everyone to put up with him
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Spread the word...
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