madimoiselle ♡
@drivingmemadi
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like a furby, but worse. unfortunately all views are my own
Chicago, IL
Joined July 2019
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Pinned Tweet
an escape room, but it’s just your thoughts. good luck
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my bank blocked my card because of a security threat. it was me, buying a mattress, at 2 am. i am my own biggest threat
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my boyfriend and i go to Taco Bell. what do you want i ask him. a baja blast? no. he gets down on one knee. i want something that will baja last. will you marry me? they ring the taco bell. we live happily ever after mas.
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boomers: i hate my wife
millennials: i hate my life
gen z: beesechurger
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oh don’t worry im fully vaccinated im just coughing uncontrollably because i choked on my own saliva
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congrats on your $600 stimulus, pick one item from the bottom case
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get to work
US government will run out of money by October 18, Treasury secretary says
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if everyone drops one thing they learned in therapy we can all gain insight from this thread
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imagine thinking cooking is a feminine role. just boil the water bradley you useless piece of shit
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boys. please wear short shorts. your long shorts make you look like a Home Depot 2x4
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pro life people be like: i’ll kill you for having an abortion
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everyone wears crosses and i just feel like y’know maybe jesus probably doesn’t like crosses, all things considered
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can’t spell disconnecting from reality without disco. let’s dance
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he was a boy, she was his mom
can i make it anymore oedipus
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customer: can i get seven bees
petshop owner: of course
customer: wait, you gave me eight
petshop owner: that’s a freebie :)
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there’s this huge debate over breastmilk or formula, my baby drinks baja blast, and she fucking loves it
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new Starbucks deal, if you go without a mask you’ll get a free venti later
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connecting my necklace clasp when im already in a rush on the verge of tears
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the way i text my bf throughout the day is similar to a 3rd grade summer essay. i went for a walk. i had something to eat. it was good. i feel happy. i had a good time. i saw a bird
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“you got this. you can work 5 days. you can do this for the rest of your life until you die.”
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hate that my mask covers my nose ring, now how will people know i have a personality?
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microdosing a healthy lifestyle by eating a baby carrot every 6 months
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what if.. we were on the same google doc.. and our cursors.. touched 😩
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oh to be a baby without object permanence. i’ve seen enough
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just want to tell all the sad young people out there, don’t lose hope. it gets a lot worse, so lose hope later
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planned parenthood chinese food
🤝
takeout or delivery
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g6 chemical has been found in the covid vaccine. side effects include gettin slizzard
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i crave the wall cave
call me controversial but I think we need to go back to having beds in nooks
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kristen stewart could play Joker but joaquin phoenix could not play Bella
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yeah Dave maybe try communicating your bean sprout desires next time
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male birth control exists it’s called trying to be funny on twitter
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(trying to make light conversation) did you know that one serving of gogurt is 3 tubes? a lot of people would think one tube, but you can actually have three. three tubes, if you want
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anything is possible if you just ̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶ ̶ receive generational wealth and never pay taxes
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i caught a glimpse of a crocheted ravioli pillow with a smiley face and before i got the chance to adore, my twitter REFRESHED. what did i do to deserve this? why me?
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil
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hey, i noticed your auto capitalization is turned off. how’s your depression?
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if he tells you how to turn on a grill because he thinks you can’t is that mansplaining or gaslighting
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the best part of wearing a cardigan is doing the divorced mom wrap around
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guys on tinder: let me fuck you
guys on bumble: let me fuck you, under the moonlight
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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how did they figure out which mushrooms are good in pasta and which ones do the thing
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Me: One day you will inherit all of these priceless heirlooms
My dumbass kid: These are vape pens
Me: They’re the family juuls
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therapy where we sit and eat pasta and talk about our trauma, called Penne for Your Thoughts
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happy mother’s day to all of the girls parenting their 25 yr old boyfriends ❤️
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it’s perfectly reasonable to spend several hundred dollars at 2 am. i don’t walk into your home and spy on you in the wee hours of the night, mr moneybank man
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ignore the twelve hundred sandwiches, i made grinch guac
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he texts you “come over” and you do, expecting nothing, but he surprises you with dinner. and dessert. he doesn’t look at his phone once. you’re happy. he then asks if you want to see his favorite Top 10 Epic Fails Compilation on YouTube. you watch. it’s epic. then you go home.
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i can’t work. my best friend sent me 33 tiktoks. that’s a full time job
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charcuterie boards are really great because it’s like what if we had an appetizer but we were squirrels
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just invested in some stocks. chicken and vegetable. going to be a high yield year for soup
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got complimented on the outfit i specifically wore for compliments
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reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain and that’s why we’re all on twitter
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imagine your card gets declined and you don’t have healthcare so they just let you die. oh wait that’s America
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opening up an affordable strip club and calling it A Penny for Your Thots
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if i did go to therapy i would probably need a second therapist to go to after and talk about how i think my first therapist secretly hates me
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trump jack-o'-lanterns
🤝
round, orange, scary and
thrown out in november
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my family is building a puzzle instead of giving me attention. good luck finishing it without the three corner pieces i ate
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not to be a bitch but can we manufacture yogurt cups that don’t tip over with the spoon in them when they’re empty
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I’ll never understand why boys think skincare is feminine. enjoy your wrinkly ziplock bag melting in the sun skin, you 3 in 1 dial dishsoap disaster
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millennials: life is meaningless :(
gen z: life is meaningless :)
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got you a get better soon card, not because you’re sick. i just think you can be better
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kisses are overrated. who wants to fistfight me at midnight?
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