john
@johnsemley3000
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writer, researcher, ultimate nfl insider. full of deep sympathy, modified by contempt. follow @slowlearnerspod
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fun feature alert: the
@guardian
is curating a new series of first-person stories about modern drug use: The High Road. think of it like Modern Love, but for drugs! I wrote the intro essay, and more stories are coming soon. hit me up if you want to share!
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the richest man in the world should not be so online. it’s unbecoming. JP Morgan once took a boat to Egypt because he wanted to sleep in a tomb to imagine what it’s like to be a dead Pharaoh. that’s what rich people should be doing. not tweeting about NYT movie lists. yuck.
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Gilbert Gottfried died as he lived, with people saying “too soon.”
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not much of a "God Guy." but when you learn that Ray Liotta's final, posthumous performance is in a movie called "Cocaine Bear," and that this is his look in it? well, it's hard not to believe there's some divine architecture glistening behind this pale drape we call "reality."
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they made a series of profitable comedy movies in the 1980s about just how insanely brutal it was to be with your family inside one of these.
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this idea that Larry David is some svengali and Jerry Seinfeld had nothing to do with the success of his namesake show is absurd. I’d go even further to bet that David shares 99% of Seinfeld’s execrable political opinions, but merely has the good sense not to share them publicly.
My pet theory is that Larry David wrote Seinfeld with the subtext that Jerry is an awful comedian, and the funniest part is that real life Jerry acted in the role, used his real standup bits, and never caught on to the joke.
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Christopher Nolan has even activated the sporadic dad-texters. predicting a $4B opening weekend.
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I don’t really like Murakami that much. but I LOVE the fact that he was a successful Tokyo nightclub owner until he had an epiphany—while watching a baseball game—that he could be novelist. and he did. I’d prefer that to 100,000 “good” writers from novelist studies programs.
“She had me under her spell—that beautiful, nameless girl clutching ‘With the Beatles’ to her chest.” A short story by Haruki Murakami.
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shut the fuck up! theatres were literally invented to entertain the scum and rabble of society! they are the most broadly populist spaces to exist, outside of churches or carnival tents! lawmakers literally thought movies would corrupt audiences because they were too common!
“It’s an elitist notion to be able to go to a theater. It’s very expensive. So, this idea that was created — that we hang on to — that the theater is a sacred space, is bullshit. And it rejects the idea of allowing everyone in under the tent.” - Joe Russo
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anecdotal but I feel like the average level of mental illness in america has, since Covid, increased by at least four billion percent.
Setting: February 2024 the Chiefs are playing in Super Bowl LVIII. The most important guests are in a VIP suite watching the game together. Taylor Swift, Jackson Mahomes, and Brittany mahomes are excitedly jumping and cheering together.
Suddenly Travis Kelce goes down with a
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sometimes i wish i was born in a different era. not due to any particular nostalgia for that era. but because it means i would now be dead.
Humor is a sign of intelligence, so I asked Claude-Sonnet-3.5 to absolutely COOK GPT-4o.
Then I put the results into a
@DaveChappelle
deepfake.
The result is damn jarring... See for yourself:
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one of those films where the fan cult around out can actually obscure the fact that it's basically a perfect film. and funny as shit.
Twenty five years ago, 'The Big Lebowski' blew into theaters like a tumbleweed on an empty street
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I miss sonic youth. but the band’s dissolution is worth it for a fourth hand story I heard about a guy helping thurston moore move his record collection, all the whole muttering “I fucked up…I fucked up my whole life…never cheat…it’s not worth it…I’m so fucked…” etc.
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THE HOLDOVERS is a funny, tender film about two men who transcend differences of class and character and bond over the most important thing of all: being clinically depressed.
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funny to see all these filmmakers/stars chuck these movies under the bus, now that the franchises are faltering. sorry, but admitting to being a craven shill who sold out of to ruin the movies doesn’t make you more endearing.
Taika Waititi joined the Marvel Cinematic Universe for the money.
"I had no interest in doing one of those films. But I was poor and I’d just had a second child, and I thought, ‘You know what, this would be a great opportunity to feed these children.' And ‘Thor,’ let’s face it —
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you know you're a real patron of the arts when you call them "makers."
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I have never divided my power and vast land holdings between my three daughters, only one of whom is fair and true, so KING LEAR didn’t work for me.
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the arc of history has always been kind to Coppola’s weird bombs. we should just accept that this is good now, and save time. ditto the campus protests. we all know in 40 years they’ll be seen as morally correct. let’s cut to the chase.
Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘MEGALOPOLIS’ debuts with 38% on Rotten Tomatoes
• Described by some as a truly insufferable mess whilst others call it the crazy work of an ambitious mad man
• Got a 7 minute+ standing ovation at Cannes along with some boos
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Stallone all over the news for his big new crime show. good time to remind people of the SNL sketch where Stallone attempts to help a car accident victim, played by Norm Macdonald, who won't stop bad-mouthing Stallone's films. good bit.
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the fact that the greatest athlete on the planet once looked like this is--to me and all boys of an endomorphic, practically cartmanesque physiology--frankly inspiring.
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the media: Paul Pelosi was attacked inside his ho—
right-wing media: THE ATTACKER WAS A MALE PROSTITUTE. THEY CHARGE $90-$150 FOR IN-CALLS, WITY AN UPCHARGE FOR KINK. PAUL PROBABLY FOUND HIM BY DRIVING SE THROUGH THE TENDERLOIN AND FLASHING HIS HIGH BEAMS NOT TWICE BUT THRICE—
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good quote. Pynchon also wrote a scene about a braindead old leader who is so mind-breakingly nostalgic about the smell of death emanating from the WWI trenches that he eats a dominatrix’s shit until he dies from e. coli. just saying!
In which Vice President Joe Biden directly quotes Thomas Pynchon during a rally in Des Moines Iowa on September 17th, 2014
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finally realized who Benny Safdie in OPPENHEIMER reminded me of
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Does humanity have any greater architectural legacy than the Gothic cathedrals of Europe?
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staying in a traditional Japanese inn and the owner (eighth-generation) couldn’t wait to excitedly tell us that our room had once been occupied by no less than: “Mr. Bean.”
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looks like Twitter is already bringing back some of the suspended accounts. here we go…
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getting a real truck to haul a cybertruck stuck in two inches of wet snow is like calling in the jaws of life to pry a nerd from a locker.
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(guy who throw $40B into the toilet instead of having a conversation with his own daughter voice)
“your mind has a virus”
Elon Musk was driven to buy Twitter after fear that a 'woke mind virus' was taking over America — including his transgender daughter
“She went beyond socialism to being a full communist and thinking that anyone rich is evil"
(via
@WSJ
)
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this 6 bed, 7.5 bath apartment at 225 Chestnut Street on San Francisco’s Telegraph Hill sold for $10.7M in 2015. in 1955, it was the operational hub for MK-ULTRA subproject 42, Operation Midnight Climax, in which sex workers dosed “Johns” with LSD, while CIA spooks observed.
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@BrandyLJensen
I had a roofer say to me recently “it’s a mystery…top five mysterious roofs I’ve seen, for sure.”
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tired: new yorkers converting to roman catholicism for scene points
inspired: new yorkers converting to eastern orthodoxy to meet women
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I think it’s funny that the new OLDBOY release open with a recording from the director basically saying “now…this film is NOT for everyone.”
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CITIZEN KANE (Welles, 1941)
Trump to a kid: “So if your parents don’t want you, I’ll take you.”
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quote with the funniest tv show scene you’ve watched
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in hindsight, now that there is basically no popular cultural discourse whatsoever, SISKEL & EBERT seems wild to me. two fairly unpleasant guys sitting in chairs ragging on THAT DARN CAT (1997) for 8 whole minutes. and they were on a billion channels!
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wow! this blew up! decriminalize controlled substances to save lives!!!
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Cormac McCarthy’s writing was mean, and despairing, with a pretty withering view of humankind, and the cruel engines that drive it. but he had that faint flicker of belief that it could be different. “He can know his heart, but he don’t want to.” gotta tend that flame folks. RIP.
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@Nick_Newman
lol if you read TÀR ON TÀR you know how many young women exploited her to advance THEIR careers. or can you even read??
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BARRY ostensibly follows the "difficult man" structure of premium cable dramas, like The Sopranos or Breaking Bad, where the viewer eventually reckons with this guy being Bad. the difference is that Barry, as a character, is now so broken and psychotic that it's tough to watch.
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someone on NPR just referred to slave-owning as "problematic." i think that word--"problematic"--has probably exhausted its usefulness by now.
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2023: NYAD
2022: ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT
2021: CODA
2020: THE FATHER
these films DON’T exist. don’t be snookered by fake movies!
every year the academy nominates one movie they make up out of thin air the morning of the nominations. congratulations to nyad, which does not exist
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texts from my mom: well it was 14 years ago your grandmother died she would be in heaven proud of all you are doing spoke to your old teacher and she told me the dentist just died too but that’s life I guess anyways love you always 🥰🥰🥰
texts from my dad: when is your birthday
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Stephen A on First Take: we all contribute, in small and imperceptible ways, to a racist superstructure in American life.
Stephen A on the Stephen A Smith show: a Cheeto is not a chip. you can call it a puff! but it’s not a chip.
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travel writing nowadays is like "tip number one: get off the beaten path! we recommend these top ten unbeaten paths."
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wokeness alert: the BDSM hierophant from the movie about godless transgressive sex is a lady now.
Feminist/LGBTQ Hollywood has NO chill.
(sigh)
These yahoos have gone and replaced Hellraiser's "Pinhead" with a trans woman (whatever that is) for the Hulu Hellraiser reboot.
NO chill. They want it ALL. They wanna flip everything and switch every role. The unwatchable agenda.
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I sorta feel bad for the Fetterman social media team. score an easy gig doing memes about how your boss wears shorts in winter and how his opponent doesn’t know what vegetables taste good with what dips. then one day the “go full pro-war” memo drops…
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I laughed. what am I, made of stone? saying you don’t you realize you look like beavis because you’re too busy is funny.
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they need to clone Scorsese or something. there needs to be another guy saying all this correct stuff. spread the action around. the D is starting to read the plays. they've studied the tape. let's get some hot new opinions going in the backfield.
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it is possible that Schrader may have a franker, more informed opinion, than some 28 year-old with a Letterboxd. just a theory!
Paul Schrader talking sh!t about the great Roger Corman on the day he died, has got to be one of the classless things a person has ever done.
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Sports Illustrated, which recently published content by A.I. "authors," once paid William Faulkner to watch a a hockey game between the Rangers and Canadiens. he compared the action to "the frantic darting of the weightless bugs which run on the surface of stagnant pools."
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Has anyone else noticed you can't buy anything? No cars. No trucks. No cardboard. No paper. No wood. No small boats (sea-doos). No snowmobiles. I know these latter are "luxury items." But that's not the point, and fun is important too. A one-year waiting list.
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statements like this are great because "the far left" always means "people who want to be recognized as human beings," whereas "the far right" = the people who want to kill those people.
For Twitter to deserve public trust, it must be politically neutral, which effectively means upsetting the far right and the far left equally
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I guess I believe it’s possible to consider SEINFELD hilarious—arguably the most hilarious show ever—and to find Seinfeld’s act funny (if a bit hack now, precisely because of its long influence) and still think everything else that comes out of his mouth/brain stinks. not hard!
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american punk in the late 80s:
from nicaragua
to the contras
fuhrer bush knows what's in store
when willie horton
creeps to your door
call 9-1-1,
or tipper gore!
american punk in the late 90s:
i wanna goooooo
on a date
with a girl who doesn't know
that i exiiiiiissssst
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@nkulw
@jeffersonmorley
i'm a big believer in the "no bullet theory," which maintains that "Kennedy's head just did that."
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Jean-Luc Godard bestowing Clint Eastwood with an Honorary César award in 1998. “What a great pleasure, Mister Honkytonk Man,” said Godard. “Good luck. And good courage. And…be yourself.”
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in fact, the Fetterman campaign seems to be very deliberate about this NOT being the association. the “you’re not from here” burn is rooted in Philly/South Jersey rivalry. a classic case of totally ignoring the regional context, which is precisely why it resonates regionally.
Reminder that two things can be true:
-Dr Oz is a charlatan running a deeply cynical & hilariously inept campaign
-We should be nervous about the appeal of running a "You're not from here" campaign against a Muslim whose family is from the Middle East & sentiments it could spark
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asked about the "pornographic" scenes in his 2011 film KILLER JOE, in which Gina Gershon is compelled by Matthew McConaughey to fellate a fried chicken drumstick, the late William Friedkin responded, "A lot of people considered James Joyce's ULYSSES pornographic." RIP
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Napoleon looks MID AS HELL. tired of this “movies are back” guy movie poptimism. boring colour palette, boring director, boring-looking performance by a great actor playing one of the most charismatic people in all of recorded history. this emperor is NUDE baby!
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Ray Liotta wigging out on Robert Patrick in COPLAND, smashing him against a wall, sticking a dart up his nose. very memorable scene, to me. i think about it every time i jam a dart up some guy's nose. RIP.
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I love David Foster Wallace’s writing. I also love reading lacerating critiques of it, some of which I find totally valid. if your enthusiasms can’t weather a little undermining, how strongly could you possibly feel about them?
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tired: greta gerwig is a sell-out
wired: actually selling out doesn't matter
inspired: being able to express ones personal style and theme within the confines of corporate entertainment is the definition of auteurism
some other, fourth thing: it's about a fucking DOLL!
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“there IS no toy! this is the actual Buzz Lightyear that the toy was based on. there IS no toy. it is an ILLUSION!”
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sad to see Pitchfork getting restructured or whatever. i came of age when it felt essential. that said: they forfeited their credibility when they just deleted a bunch of early reviews. i recall them giving a PET SOUNDS reissue a 7/10 and saying it wasn't as good as OK COMPUTER.
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Blur “bombing” at Coachella is so funny. sorry their target audience—48+ media workers who lost their jobs and have two kids and also a dozen eggs is $9–didn’t roll out for the $7200/ticket concert. does the band still get paid?
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@douglasgrnwd
you might consider that she doesn’t actually care about the things she professes to care about, sing about, and so on.
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worst movie ever made incoming
Johnny Depp will play Satan in Terry Gilliam’s new film ‘The Carnival at the End of Days.’
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the best part of any Bar Rescue episode is when the hungover, underpaid staff of a pub called Cruddy O’Shittys are taught to make a muddled cucumber margarita manhattan.
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sad. a perennial--and favourite--class trip location when i was a kid. but i guess ontario children are now free to visit loads of other educational day spas, office parks, staples stores, and the corrugated metal construction trailers of corrupt developers from vaughan.
BREAKING: The Ontario Science Centre is closing for good today after an engineering report found the roof is in danger of collapsing, the
@TorontoStar
has learned.
#onpoli
#topoli
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me: hello
Jordan Peterson: “hello”? well, that starts with “hell.” hello. it should be “o! hell!” (sobbing) because that’s what they want now, isn’t it? (weeping uncontrollably) for us to burn? “hello”? (dying of dehydration from crying) now that’s a hell of a bloody salutation!
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olivia chow is the first toronto mayor whose husband i saw fully naked in the u of t sauna.
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good god. imagine renting this beautiful place, blacking out all the windows, and spending a decade indoors reading about chemistry and aeronautics and lightbulb manufacturing cartels, breaking occasionally to cuckold your better-looking friends? heaven.
I wasn’t on Twitter when I lived in California, but I just rediscovered my pics of where Pynchon lived when he wrote Gravity’s Rainbow, which is very funny to think about
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can’t stop grousing about the film critic I heard on the radio who said that EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE “lets Michelle Yeoh be an action hero.” like praising DOUBLE TEAM for “finally allowing Van Damme to do the splits.”
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Trump/DeSantis is going to play out like the Gibbon's Markets/Fairsley Foods ad war from Mr. Show.
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I don’t think you should be allowed to convert to Catholicism as an adult. if you don’t have to deal with all the childhood stuff, well, sorry, but you’re not a Catholic. if you just want to announce that you believe in God now, they invented born against Christianity for that.
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