Brandy Jensen
@BrandyLJensen
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See that she chews her food well, and sets her foot down firmly on the ground when she walks, and you're all right.
Joined March 2015
that’s so much time to die.
The runtime for #NoTimeToDie is 2 hours and 43 minutes, the longest runtime for any James Bond movie.
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8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be.
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no I was reading.
If you were a big reader as a kid, you were disassociating.
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this is the only effective ad for camo i’ve ever seen.
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confession: i always liked watching boyfriends play video games. the stories are fun but i’m not good at using the controller!!! and it can actually be very feminist to sit back and say “go in that room i bet something is in there”.
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a person only needs one good coat.
Wait, is Bernie is wearing the same jacket from his meme at the inauguration?
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oh no the wrong people are manipulating the stock market.
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JD Vance being so insanely repulsive that I can’t even hope Trump dies…. god what a nightmare situation.
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how long could a doctor leave you in an exam room before you considered like, popping your head out to ask what’s going on. for me i think about seven hours.
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thank you yes this is precisely what i imagined the prince of crypto would look like.
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by the time i die this will almost certainly be the sound i’ve laughed at most in my life.
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a what in a movie called WHAT.
Shira Haas has been cast as Israeli superheroine Sabra in ‘CAPTAIN AMERICA NEW WORLD ORDER’. #D23Expo
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord .me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—.cult leader: I am to have multiple wives.
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you hear a lot about how lottery winners end up miserable. the money ruins their life and relationships etc. well that wouldn’t happen to me.
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you can’t show me some tits then blame me for seeing tits.
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ngl Stanley Tucci I have been better but appreciate this regardless.
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watching a documentary about suffragettes and they end with this little “what happened to them” montage. real mixed bag lmao
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wow nobody got arrested at the rally where we told the government “good job keep it up”.
Update from the Israel rally in London today:. 0 arrests.0 public disorders.0 firecrackers shot at the police.0 police attacked.0 injured.0 calls for genocide.0 racist slurs.0 hateful signs. The police reported the protestors thanked them for their service.
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a real shame that 6 am is such a perfect time to wake up but 10 pm is a very stupid time to go to bed.
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i give out weed candy to kids on halloween. i get it specially made to look like regular candy which costs me thousands of dollars every year but i think it’s fun. i won’t stop.
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you gotta think this strategy of saying that thousands and thousands of normal people, out with their neighbors and their kids, are big fans of terrorism is going to have diminishing returns.
This isn’t a pro-Palestinian rally in London now, it’s a pro-Hamas rally. Churchill is probably rolling in his grave.
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I love when an IT guy refers to my laptop as “your machine”.
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being a guy and calling another guy “brother”… I bet that feels so nice.
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if you had asked me five minutes ago “how big is plymouth rock” i would have been so so wrong.
Plymouth Rock has to be one of the most unremarkable artifacts of American history.
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wish I was one of those weirdos who likes to go for a run when they’re upset.
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i genuinely love when someone gets a column in a national newspaper to announce “I’m rude as hell”
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this all happened because zuckerberg never meta girl until college.
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your honor as you can see clearly from this video. my client whips ass.
Daytona Beach Police are searching for the person who drove through a drawbridge crossing arm and jumped the bridge as it was rising into the air. STORY:
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my mom finally married her partner of 20+ years. “no worries, just wanted to share” lmao 😭
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honestly one of the more impressive things I’ve ever seen.
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imagine shitting so bad they put it in the newspaper.
Meet Derek Blasberg: Hollywood socialite accused of fleeing Gwyneth Paltrow's Hamptons home after 'catastrophic' diarrhea who counts Jeff Bezos and Demi Moore as pals
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paleontologist is the funniest job to me. so rare for a seven year old to stick to their major life goals.
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another great tweet by my newest friend.
recently befriended an objectively unattractive woman and it’s very surreal to experience how differently we are treated.
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“the suits universe” do you mean new york.
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flatly insane that your doctor can say “you need an mri” and then a little while later your insurance company can be like “lol no you didn’t”.
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playing his what now.
Emmy Rossum joins Tom Holland in Apple's 'The Crowded Room' . Holland is playing Danny Sullivan and Rossum will play his mother, who is always looking for a man to fulfill her dreams of salvation. (
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insane. leaves me despairing of our ability to inhabit a shared reality
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netflix sound engineer: okay make the dialogue so quiet people will think they have hearing problems then the car crashes so loud they’ll develop one.
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dressing one kid as the shooter is extremely funny, I’ll give them that.
Halloween on Union Strong 2nd Street in Philly. But don’t worry, it’s “razor close” 🙄
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not in a million years could you guess how this starts.
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by your thirties you should have a pasta shape you vehemently despise for no particular reason. mine’s rotini.
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remains one of the most baffling photos i’ve ever seen.
Jill Biden remembers Rosalynn Carter for efforts with mental health, caregiving
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falls under my rule “sufficiently funny crimes should not be prosecuted”.
A thief disguised as a trash bag was caught on camera stealing a package from a home in Sacramento
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a baby angrily typing is actually the perfect image for these sorts of people.
We're fighting against the lies spread by pride activists: people are born gay. The science proved there is no gay gene. We should stop spreading this lie. Join us this Giving Tuesday as we fight to #ProtectTheDefectors:
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people who hate cilantro got it so easy. they can have a fussy little preference and everyone is like “of course, due to your genes”.
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the first and only vr thing that sounds fun.
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imagine having this tattoo and it being the third thing people ask about.
Hitler's 'last living relative' convicted of paedophilia after kissing girl, 13
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we deserve more elegant metaphors.
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the butter sculptures aren’t solid butter??? what the hell.
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help Joe Kennedy make history today.
A Kennedy has never lost a race in Massachusetts
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help your friends stay mentally sharp by sending texts so riddled with typos they end up doing a little word puzzle.
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“you’re not actually rich if all your money goes to maintaining the lifestyle of a rich person” is an opinion i would love to stop seeing every couple of months.
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love it when conservatives respond to some light socialism by sarcastically offering up even better ideas. “oh college debt forgiveness? how about we just wipe away mortgages too?” hell yeah man now you’re talking.
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how are my fellow “grind your teeth at night due to stress” people doing you got any molars left.
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does she have a series of cardboard cutouts what’s goin on here.
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after years of bitcoin and reddit short selling and credit default swaps and a million other things i don’t understand it’s so refreshing to hear that global commerce is in peril because a big boat got stuck in a canal.
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I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it.
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are the ghost hunters gay or are they hunting gay ghosts.
Kristen Stewart is developing a gay ghost-hunting reality show with a friend, which she has described as “a paranormal romp in a queer space,” with elevated aesthetics. (
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damn you don’t say
Midjourney is getting crazy powerful—none of these are real photos, and none of the people in them exist.
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why does this look like a musical.
The first look at Netflix’s ‘TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE’ sequel has been released. The film releases on February 18 on Netflix. (Source:
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reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards.
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the connections i’m going to inherit
White millennials are gonna get conservative as fuck when they inherit their boomer parents houses, wealth, and connections. Believe me now, quote me later.
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what was everyone’s weirdest panic purchase my brain glitched and i bought three types of jam.
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okay how does she have an ass crack given she’s just a standard, if extremely well-endowed mermaid in the front. like anatomically how would that work
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spent a couple days pondering this and i’ve rarely felt sorrier for someone than the person who had explosive diarrhea all over that airplane. trapped there with everyone whose day you ruined by violently shitting yourself.
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It genuinely doesn't occur to these guys that you could put up statues of black people
Challenge: name five historical figures from mid 19th century or earlier who wouldn't be considered extremely racist by modern standards.
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the couples where one person is wearing a mask and one isn’t: what’s going on there.
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liking a tweet from someone i’ve followed for years but have never met, or really even interacted with much, and whose name i do not know: god i’m so glad he got this job. i know he could use the higher pay after his wife got laid off back in february.
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not even kidding when i say stuff like this should be against the law.
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never feel more harshly judged than when one of the dogs enters a room i’m in, scopes out the vibe, and decides to leave.
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how much do they think tattoos cost.
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who the fuck are you following.
don’t let twitter trick you into thinking everyone has their life together.
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lol we will fight the sun before we take on capitalism.
Harvard and Yale scientists are proposing that we tackle climate change by dimming the sun. It sounds crazy, but according to their research, it could actually cut the rate of global warming in half:
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wait so stephen miller didn’t get covid when his wife had it but does have it after a work event. lmao what a fucking nerd.
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if my abortion rights are taken away by a guy named Brett I’m gonna be furious.
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what.
If you have pancakes in your tum tum, does that make you a pancake mum mum? Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the moms out there!
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would be pretty hilarious if twitter disappeared and i went on to lead a peaceful life full of meaning and beauty. like lmao.
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lmao come on now. like c’mon. please.
The first images of Sen. Dianne Feinstein, returning to the US Senate for the first time in nearly three months.
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pete is so unprepared for how much his most vocal haters care about trains lol.
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sorry where.
2 bodies recovered during search for missing swimmers at Murderkill River
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tv was better when there were fewer extremely hot people in every show.
i don't want to hear your most boomer complaint. what's your most millennial complaint?.
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i shall simply summer in the east wing of my 600 sq foot apartment.
The key to escaping lockdown? Sleep in your guest room and pretend it’s a trip.
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do dogs even realize they are hanging out with other dogs of the same breed or do people organize like a “Dachshund meet-up” solely for their own strange satisfaction.
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i’ve reached british crime show level “the killer’s prints weren’t on the gun because she used her feet”
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about to say some shit that gets me put on a federal watchlist.
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feels so good when a sandwich costs a single digit amount.
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would be funny if the mob started lobbying for strong climate action.
More human remains have been found in Lake Mead — the second time in a week as the reservoir's water levels drop.
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