Laura Allchurch
@holloway25
Followers
441
Following
1,771
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196
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3,480
I care about everything and nothing all at once 🥰
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Joined March 2009
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@Chai_DogMom
Even if a soon to be married couple called Lauren and Greg stumbled upon it, you can’t do anything about the date printed on there ffs 🤦🏼♀️😂
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@UpshotTowers
The best quote ever ‘if I was stuck on an island with Michael Owen and a tin of corned beef, I’d eat Michael Owen and talk to the tin’ 😂😂😂😂
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@BeardedGenius
I think he may just be the most beautiful handsome man I have ever laid my eyes on
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@garethkthomas
Sobbing at this (in a restaurant with said ‘naughty’ daughter) this summarises her life perfectly hideously. She’s not going to Drayton manor with the rest because she’s so naughty. Punishing her once wasn’t enough. She’s not naughty. She’s traumatised
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@rudy_betrayed
It’s the forgetful fish swimming round and round, ooop another predator, best find an alternative route. Ooop another predator, best find an alternative route and so on and so on
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@stillnextdoor
Even if it’s the first person to tell you of their flu so far this year, the law is you respond with ‘yeah, nasty bug going round’
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@beckyboopta
My girls school get the ingredients in for the kids in advance and then we pay for it on parent pay. I’ve never been more grateful for anything else they’ve done 😂😂
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Visiting my son at uni in Liverpool for the first time since I abandoned him here in sept. ‘I’ll sort your accommodation mom’ 🥹🥰🥹
Tell me why I’m here sleeping in guest services of student halls with a shared fucking bathroom and 4 other students ffs 🤬🤬
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@jayjayhill1991
@BeardedGenius
Which one, the most beautiful handsome man or my soon to be ex husband?!
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@JenTruly07
@Chai_DogMom
You’re right. It would take a few mins, but it would look like a heavily damaged scratched up piece of shit by the time those few mins are up
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@LuxMeaMundiAM
@cpeedell
@AllisonPearson
I think I may have just fallen in love with Katie and her straight talking
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@garethkthomas
Thank you for this hypothetical advice. On an unrelated subject, I don’t think I’ve been to Alton towers for ages now. Must be due a visit…. 🥰
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@ellieokwilson
You are a warrior, I don’t know you but I feel so proud of you. The system tried to bully you but stood by what was right and fought for justice. The relief must be immense xx
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@robbeckettcomic
I really struggle with this time of year, I end up eating my dinner earlier and going to bed earlier every night. Panic driving home in the dark from work because it feels so much later than it is, no motivation or enthusiasm for anything 😢
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@ladbible
‘Joe Cartwright also a paramedic at Luton’ is the fastest sentence I’ve ever heard spoken xxxx
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@lucitelu
This is the absolute epitome of Christmas. Thank you so much for sharing. What a talent they have and what a lucky boy your son is 🥰🥰
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@JackDut80961325
@BrianLeonardFR
The fact you remember the exact sentence tells me how much this exchange hurt you 😂😂😂
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@TGonthebike
@asda
How could you consciously go out of your way to try to lose someone their job? I’ll just never understand what kind of person gets satisfaction from this
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@amymayforrester
I can feel it in my bones, I can’t sit, stand or lie in any kind of comfort, paracetamol not touching it, my bones are killing me all in my hips and down my legs, it’s worse then covid, I had it about 5 weeks ago and now it’s back just as bad 😢
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@JoeBangles11
@JamesBlunt
It’s more than any of us could’ve ever hoped for. If I’m honest I was checking bbc news more regularly than Twitter for updates, assuming you were going to be tasered on sight 😂😂
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@Lordflashh3art
I was going to suggest covering the reg, but I suspect you could leave the keys in the ignition in that beast and still no one would take it 😂😂
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@workingshitout
@FamelecWright
@KingBobIIV
She’s doesn’t have to make the rest of the camp feel awkward though either does she. She expects him to stay completely out of her way, what about the other people that have to live there with her. Selfish, she’s not a nice person I don’t think
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@brassoteach
Carrying the completed register back to the office - register duty if you will. Feeling like an absolute boss walking there and back down empty corridors while everyone else was sat at their desk.
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@SomaKazima
I know this is pedantic. But I would rather go and pick up my food myself than be forced to pay someone who was going to hold my food to ransom till I tipped them ‘properly’
I’m in England so I know tipping culture is different here
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@ragefighthouse
My yr11 daughter emailed school office to say she’ll be studying in the library each day she doesn’t have an exam. Every day I get a ‘your child has been marked absent from school’ text. She’s not attending your unhelpfully titled ‘cramming sessions’
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@thosethatcan
Sent my freshly delivered cold pizza back to the kitchen at a cafe we stopped at and my daughter wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. The embarrassment of my discreet ‘I’m so sorry, it’s still a bit cold in the middle’ was just too much for her to bear.
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@danwootton
He has achieved the impossible, invented an accent worse than the Wolverhampton one he was born with
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@kelechnekoff
Just imagine you were blind, and could not see the colour of any of the camp mates skin. Then you heard nellas reaction to what Fred said? I am not racist, I don’t see people for their colour, her overreaction was wrong. That’s why she’s getting stick, not because of her colour
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@townsendyesmate
Whilst I could almost agree with you, doing it on a packed bus infront of everyone is just not right. I wouldn’t like to explain to my kids what it was he’s doing because they shouldn’t be subjected to things like that
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@verdaviau
@Sacha_Lord
@MaldronHotels
No it’s not a middle class issue, it’s a scamming bastard greedy hotelier issue. Whatever class you’re in is completely irrelevant. Moron
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@iain_reynolds
@Haggis_UK
I am contracted 37.5hrs a week, there is no overtime, there is no option for more hours, and even if there was £5.60 of whatever I earn for that hour would go to after school club. What bit of this aren’t they getting, I’m so full of rage 😡
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@sarajcox
Worked at a golf club a few yrs ago.
‘Excuse me I left my sandwich on the 8th whole on weds has it been handed in?’
‘On weds, it’s Sunday today, I haven’t had a sandwich handed in, sorry’
‘Sandwich?’
‘Sandwich?’
‘No, sand wedge’
‘Ooooooh’ 🤦🏼♀️😩😂😂😂
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@RebeccaCNReid
The irony of putting double shifts in inverted commas and leaving the word babysitting legitimately in the same sentence 😂😂😂😂😂
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@Nathanshiv21
It’s giving ‘I chatted shit on my cv in 1998 and can’t remember what bullshit I gave’
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@GethincJones
I once drove to do the school run as we were running late, got there and immersed myself in gossip with the moms, confidently strolled out of the playground and walked home. My arse fell out as I approached my house to see my car not on the drive, then reality hit😂😂
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@joetracini
Every day I think about killing my self until the day is over, I might be lucky enough to sleep that night, but if not, regardless, the next day comes and it starts all over again. It’s exhausting and I just want it to stop
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@5DSoul
@GillianBateman5
No she’d just put other peoples kids through it, you know, like the ones she suggested be burnt alive in their hotel?
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@Lord_Sugar
Remember paying for your food shop with cheque 3 days before pay day. God I miss those days 😂😂
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@SoVeryBritish
Counting out the correct change when paying for something, then having it verified by the shopkeeper as being correct.
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@fesshole
Actually I bet you were so busy clocking your rear view mirror to watch the effect you were having on the car behind that you weren’t paying due care to the hazards in front of you?
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@cctv_idiots
Sometimes I leave the tv on the kids YouTube videos once they leave the room because I can’t be bothered to get up and get the remote. Laura aged 39
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@LuxMeaMundiAM
@cpeedell
@AllisonPearson
You’ve done a solid!! This woman is repugnant.
I’d rather be unemployed and living off the state in shame than earn a living doing what she does.
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@Jenn7_4
Getting a nine letter word when the contestants didnt was the most euphoric feeling I’ve ever experienced 😂😂😂
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@Memeulous
It’s the main characters nonchalance at trying to look cool while being so obviously aware he’s centre stage for me. Get in the antique bin
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@JenTruly07
@Chai_DogMom
I wouldn’t even have thought of this, I hope a Lauren and Greg find it now and get to use it 🥰
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@unionlib
I am terrified at what’s to come. We both work full time, we shop value everything and rarely treat ourselves/our kids, we’ve cut back all we can to ensure we can pay everything. Up till now that is. We can’t earn anymore, we can’t spend any less. What. Do. We. Do. 😩😢
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@NonFlyingIceman
@jayjayhill1991
@BeardedGenius
I simply will not have it that this can be put in the category of ‘weirdness on Twitter’ just because I didn’t change my profile pic following my recent marriage breakdown 😂😂😂😂😂 extend your search parameters a bit, that’ll open your eyes to true Twitter weirdness
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@GaryLineker
Anyone else thinking it’s not really that heart shaped?! Also, kudos to those that look at their crisps before eating, I prefer the shovelling them in a handful at a time approach
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@HelenLOHara
That is an outrageous chat up line if ever I heard one!!! Was it accompanied with a James Bond style curl of the lip and a ‘fancy finding out for ourselves…’ completed with a suggestive wink
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@DreyfusJames
It’s one of the worst things I’ve seen. I’m so upset by it, it’s the end when he’s on the floor and his dog is barking, it’s so distressing.
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@LickshotLippy
My year 8 daughter got given the 1500 meters. I was shook, she can’t even run to the end of our driveway 😂😂😂😂😂😂
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@BrianLeonardFR
This tweet and it’s replies has really given me the giggles! I can only imagine the customer reactions to some of these brutal refusals from waiters, particularly ‘ordered a steak and got tomato pasta, the kitchen is closed, you eat that or nothing’ 😂😂😂😂
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@cavemmann
@Phil_UM
@jayjayhill1991
@BeardedGenius
I love that you’ve posted this. If only these people knew the half of what has happened, and also, even if I was happily married I genuinely don’t think it’s a crime to appreciate someone else being exceptionally good looking!
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@1_Lovelife
His accommodation is really nice, and Liverpool uni is absolutely beautiful, I just cry all the way back down the M6 whenever I leave him. I’m so proud of him, he’s living his best life and seeing him as a man, a bloody fine young man at that just melts me!
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@thismorning
The poor wine expert just there trying to get through his very important feature 😂😂😂 no one stood a chance sharing a camera with lily savage did they x
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@piersmorgan
‘send in the sheriffs’ and ‘can’t pay we’ll take it away’ make for far more uncomfortable viewing than JK. Watching people get evicted from their homes, sobbing on the streets is horrendous. Make a new itv series where we get to see a random member of publics wedding each week!!
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@anon_opin
Same can be said for the flashy cocktail menu that requires dry ice being blown into a plant pot for a glass with a dash of spirits finished with lime juice squeezed freshly by the bar maids minge lips.
Just have a separate queue for the beer drinkers please
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@TGonthebike
@asda
We are all responsible for our own actions, you’re right. But I would hate to be responsible for my action of grassing on someone and losing them their job.
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@DevilsAdvocat47
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were not privy to the rest of the information which was heard by a jury and had her found guilty? Until you are, please be quiet.
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@KarenAwards
Imagine how desperate to rent somewhere you must’ve been that you would even consider signing this?
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@MailOnline
I’d like to think Megan didn’t ‘change her mind’ rather she was told it was completely inappropriate for her to be there
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@_billyreid
‘Please don’t do this to me’ erm, send the plane that your 15mins late for, on time?! 😂😂😂😂😂
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@greghove
Oh my god I’m having exactly the same thing. How annoying is it, they’ve set me 3 work search type appointments in the last 6 weeks- IVE GOT A JOB!!!!
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@Beherren
@BestOfDullMen
I cannot believe you have perfectly managed to spell the sound a vacuum makes when sucking something (in my case usually a sock, in your case a jerboa) 😂😂😂😂
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@lazyjohnprodltd
Looks like it’s written on a receipt, you could find the shop, ask for cctv of the time of sale, track down the person and say thanks? 😂😂😂 seriously though, very lovely for someone to do that x
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@buggirl
As a single parent, whos gonna to fill my stocking?! My kids don’t work (my son is but he’s at uni and I don’t want him spending his money on me) I accept I’ll get no presents at Christmas, I’m not really fussed, as long as the kids all get what they want that’s a win for me
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@mnrrntt
His demonstration of patience in this situation is far beyond anything near what I could’ve managed!!!!!
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@MailOnline
The most embarrassing thing about this is the realisation that I have been saying duck tape all this time 🤦🏼♀️
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