Eli Goldstone
@eligoldstone
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bafta losing writer 📖 🎥 | rep’d by Zoe Ross @UnitedAgents and Alex Rusher @ITG_Ltd and | esgoldstone @gmail .com
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Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
[spitting chewed up grapes into your mouth]
This is our wedding
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Hot girl summer is over. It’s cuffing season now. Dust off the le creuset. We’re making boeuf bourgignon and getting pregnant
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Thinking about when my ex asked me what zombie by the cranberries was about. I said ‘the troubles’ and he replied ‘women’s troubles..?’ lmao
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If Owen Jones is such a feminist why doesn’t he come and clean up after my son
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[looking at someone’s twitter who hasn’t put ‘views my own’ in their bio] I can’t believe that this guys entire company thinks that mushrooms are underrated
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Women in summer: beautiful, slightly out of focus, hair sounds like bells ringing
Men in summer: perverts in sunglasses that came free with a magazine. They all drive vans all of a sudden
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Could I fall in love with someone who owned a glass chopping board? No, next question
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If I was a virus and I saw celebrities singing john lennon into their front facing cameras I would immediately become ten thousand times more aggressive
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Woman who has £24 in the bank increases her budget to £500k on zoopla to see if that helps her find somewhere in zone 2 ‘with a little garden’
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@akblakemore
Oh my god I would never give rich the bad fork even if I was really mad at him. I’d hover my hand over it and then think: no, I can’t, not even now
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Twitter used to be good but now it’s just people saying bullshit like ‘you’re doing great and I love you’ well honestly you don’t know me and I’m not doing a good job at all, fuck you
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Walking around, getting on the tube, entering a restaurant, etc: I am attracted to absolutely everyone, the world is full of potential and I find that beautiful
Flipping through the apps: I want to die alone and preferably soon
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Sorry this ‘talk to your mates’ stuff is annoying and triggering me, I’ve tried to talk to my mates so many times but the fact of the matter is when I am ill I need treatment not a shoulder to cry on and I don’t know how to get it
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Everybody in the publishing industry is always ‘thrilled’. Must be nice
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I was on a date with a woman in a bar on exmouth market and a man came over to us, tried to force us to kiss, was aggressive. Nobody intervened. We had to leave. Everyone loves ‘pride’ but is quiet faced w the reality of why we need pride & protection
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Oh the main character is, in some ways, the city itself? That’s great man. That’s beautiful. A city can’t be a character because it can’t hold a gun but I love your vision
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can't pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Men are unlikely to achieve anything of note because they have to spend all their time watching every single Instagram story of every woman they’ve ever ghosted
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Is there anything more horrifying than being told ‘you were on good form last night’
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An extremely stoned girl just got on the bus and asked the driver ‘can I have a double to burger’
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If you ever tell me you’re broke and what you mean is that you’ve had to dip into your savings I reserve the right to throw up and make you eat it
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[trying to be a couples counsellor] I think you can both agree I am very beautiful
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Ok if you’re 25 I don’t care what you looked like at 20. It’s the same
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Really brave of Natalie Portman to elevate the voices of [checks notes] white women in Hollywood through the medium of [squints harder] ...a garment that she will wear exactly once made by a brand that doesn’t pay a living wage
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Good impression of a human: ooh look at me I'm going to get angry at the news & give a dog a name & die eventually. I have music preferences
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The first guy to call himself a tree ‘surgeon’ must have been a real character
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Can everyone just shut the fuck up
you're beautiful, you're loved, you matter. don't forget it.
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Why do men talk to me like this, is it because I wear red lipstick
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Breastfeeding my son and remembering how when I was a teenager I was a big fan of the Swedish death metal band The Crown and sent them a photo of my tits and they sent me a really polite thank you email
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Please don’t bully me for being a Tory but I am buying a house by the sea with someone I love and we are currently phoning local chimney sweeps and i am so excited I have had fifteen addresses since 2006 and never painted a wall
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How did Airbnb dupe us into staying in someone’s second home, trying to cook a meal with one plastic knife and a microwave, having to do chores before we leave, they get to review us??? and it costs the same as a hotel
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I hate to be the one to say this but there simply aren’t this amount of genres. There are like twelve genres
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You’re in his dms, I’m at his place helping him draft a reply. He is my best friend and I’m rooting for you guys
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There’s a bit on Celebs Go Dating where Gemma Collins says ‘If I got hurt again I would die. I would physically die. I can’t take it anymore. It’s just so tiring.’ And it’s really beautiful and made me cry. Anyway enjoy The Wire or whatever
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Don’t use the word sociopath when you could more accurately use the word dickhead
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Completely losing my shit and screaming ‘you know what? This isn’t my fucking job’ as I redistribute the toppings on my frozen pizza
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This dude who used to send me dick pics & then deleted his account after he married his secret fiancée just DMd me from a whole new account to ask me for ‘book recommendations’... how about the bible buddy
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It is a story of the sweet generosity of a stranger told in four parts
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Here’s an actual line from 27 Dresses: “Strange as it sounds, I've had some really good times in those dresses, weird as that may be.”
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Kissing my friends and bracing myself for them to whisper in my ear how little they think of my work
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As soon as I read a job description that begins with ‘have you got what it takes’ my brain immediately interrupts with ‘no’ and stops reading
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Once again I feel it necessary to demand that if any of my followers are hot they must announce this fact, I really do NOT have time to go rummaging through your media like a fucking seagull
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Took myself on a date today, Dubuffet at the Barbican, Brick Lane bagel and books, bought some peony-tulip hybrids, home now with the back door open watching torrential rain. I feel shitty but had a nicer time than I would have staying in bed so good for me I guess!
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I have kept myself alive all these years and if I stop being able to do that...it’s not going to be because my friends weren’t there for me
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Small acts of kindness towards your neighbours are so important. For instance, I’ve stopped lowering the blind when I have a bath. If just one key worker gets a glimpse of my rocking bod in this trying time I know I will have made a difference
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I don’t think I’ve ever written ‘lol’ so frequently in my life. Things are objectively not lol at all. If I've texted you lol I was lying
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Me: I’m practicing good sleep hygiene. That means no animals in the room at night
Pudding: ok but what if I was tiny
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My therapist is doing some really clever immersion therapy to deal with my fear of abandonment which involved her not showing up to our zoom meeting today. It’s a bold move and I love it
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I used to think that it was ok to keep who you voted for to yourself, now I think that secret voting is unforgivable shy Tory behaviour. Speak up for what you believe in, loudly and repeatedly, or be complicit in crimes against the poor and vulnerable. Those are your options
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Anyone wanna read my money diary? I stand in front of the yoghurts on the verge of tears deciding whether I deserve to buy the kind I like, then I have one single alcohol and drop kick my whole purse into the sea
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Omg i went to the south bank (to get wax sucked out of my ears) and i was enjoying a nice riverside slice of cake and thinking hmmm… v busy today… a lot of weirdo energy around… yeah I’ve accidentally joined the dead queen queue
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People who find jomny sun profound are going to lose their shit when they find out about poetry
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Absolutely beside myself to report that my bf was just very cheerily singing the classic Smiths lyrics that we all know and love: “I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ”
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....Porridge hearing the distinct sound of a dog eating the half of her breakfast which she was saving for later
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I’m in Italy and my boyfriend just walked into a salami. Life doesn’t get better than being in Italy and seeing your boyfriend boink his head on a salami imo
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Can someone tell the people now descending on my mentions that this is a joke and I don’t have a son so their advice on this matter is really of no use to me
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Good news everyone, I put on this weird vintage Jaeger shirt that everyone hates! I’m 34 now and still ravishing!!!
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Dates are like: do you want chicken or spaghetti? Did your mum love you too much or not enough? Ok, let’s kiss
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It should have come down in a more respectful way....we could have licked its boots until they dissolved...it would have toppled eventually
On the statue of Edward Colston, Keir Starmer says: "Nobody should condone the lawlessness." He says the statue "shouldn't come down in that way".
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All I want in life is to simultaneously have children AND not have children and I don’t think that’s too much to ask
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Ten days ago I had an emergency c section and today is the first day I can sit and stand without eye watering pain and the days are getting longer and my little boy is beautiful and that’s what I feel like tweeting rn!!!!
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Big news. I drew this otter and his half eaten sandwich and put him on a comfy chair so he can have a nap in front of his Hockney print
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[to the tune of man in the mirror]
I'm blocking all the men in my mentions
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I met a girl at a party last night whose name was Ned and when she introduced herself she said ‘like Ned Flanders’ and I said ‘do you say that every time you introduce yourself?’ And she said ‘Yeah’. I loved her
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My number 1 fav place to sit is on a kitchen counter drinking a glass of wine. My number 2 fav place to sit is on a step smoking a cigarette. Chairs can fuck off completely, stop wasting my time
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If you are broke and you wanna read my book please steal it
Books bought on e-Bay, or in charity or secondhand bookshops do not bring in any royalties to the authors.
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Sorry to be earnest on the tl but I spent all day writing having sex and drinking campari and I realised I need to spend more days doing what makes me happy (writing, having sex and drinking Campari) and fewer days doing things that make me cry with stress
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Cheeks flushed from the unseasonably cold Paris afternoon, socialite Ghislaine Maxwell tucks her feet up underneath her in the booth, sighing as she bites the end of a buttered asparagus spear. Years of sex trafficking have barely taken a toll: not a lock of hair out of place
Who is Ghislaine Maxwell? The downfall of a favourite daughter
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Good morning! Wrote this piece for my ‘doing the least’ crew. Lockdown 3 – I'm taking a nap | Coronavirus | The Guardian
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As a person who got to be a Guard in the Stanford Prison Experiment, I think the Stanford Prison Experiment should be performed on everybody
I back grammar schools because, as a working class child, I benefited hugely from them
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Ok one more thing about Dune. When I see a fantasy film I need there to be like a weird little guy, like a yoda, a gollum… a really fucked up little guy. And it just didn’t have one of those at all. 0/10
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Getting 2 kittens. Just met them and they climbed all over us with their spiky little hands and shouted. Couldn’t understand whatever goblin language they were speaking. Ok pics in 2 weeks when we pick them up
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I love opening the ovulation app and logging my sex drive as ‘severe’
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Bought myself another one of those distinctly 2021 dresses in the full knowledge that I’ll look back at photos of myself and wonder why I was feeling sexy dressed as a 5 year old pilgrim girl’s favourite handmade doll
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If you ever find anyone intimidating just visualise them taking a photo of a cultural landmark with an iPad
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If you are moved to vote ‘tactically’ then may I suggest that the ‘tactic’ you adopt is to vote in a socialist government
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Me, entering the friend zone:
Wow this is beautiful. There are so many friends here. I am very lucky to be alive
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Me after someone does something to upset me: that’s the last straw
Me after that person texts ‘hi’:
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