[looking at someone’s twitter who hasn’t put ‘views my own’ in their bio] I can’t believe that this guys entire company thinks that mushrooms are underrated
Women in summer: beautiful, slightly out of focus, hair sounds like bells ringing
Men in summer: perverts in sunglasses that came free with a magazine. They all drive vans all of a sudden
If I was a virus and I saw celebrities singing john lennon into their front facing cameras I would immediately become ten thousand times more aggressive
@akblakemore
Oh my god I would never give rich the bad fork even if I was really mad at him. I’d hover my hand over it and then think: no, I can’t, not even now
Twitter used to be good but now it’s just people saying bullshit like ‘you’re doing great and I love you’ well honestly you don’t know me and I’m not doing a good job at all, fuck you
Walking around, getting on the tube, entering a restaurant, etc: I am attracted to absolutely everyone, the world is full of potential and I find that beautiful
Flipping through the apps: I want to die alone and preferably soon
Sorry this ‘talk to your mates’ stuff is annoying and triggering me, I’ve tried to talk to my mates so many times but the fact of the matter is when I am ill I need treatment not a shoulder to cry on and I don’t know how to get it
I was on a date with a woman in a bar on exmouth market and a man came over to us, tried to force us to kiss, was aggressive. Nobody intervened. We had to leave. Everyone loves ‘pride’ but is quiet faced w the reality of why we need pride & protection
Oh the main character is, in some ways, the city itself? That’s great man. That’s beautiful. A city can’t be a character because it can’t hold a gun but I love your vision
Men are unlikely to achieve anything of note because they have to spend all their time watching every single Instagram story of every woman they’ve ever ghosted
Really brave of Natalie Portman to elevate the voices of [checks notes] white women in Hollywood through the medium of [squints harder] ...a garment that she will wear exactly once made by a brand that doesn’t pay a living wage
Breastfeeding my son and remembering how when I was a teenager I was a big fan of the Swedish death metal band The Crown and sent them a photo of my tits and they sent me a really polite thank you email
Please don’t bully me for being a Tory but I am buying a house by the sea with someone I love and we are currently phoning local chimney sweeps and i am so excited I have had fifteen addresses since 2006 and never painted a wall
How did Airbnb dupe us into staying in someone’s second home, trying to cook a meal with one plastic knife and a microwave, having to do chores before we leave, they get to review us??? and it costs the same as a hotel
There’s a bit on Celebs Go Dating where Gemma Collins says ‘If I got hurt again I would die. I would physically die. I can’t take it anymore. It’s just so tiring.’ And it’s really beautiful and made me cry. Anyway enjoy The Wire or whatever
This dude who used to send me dick pics & then deleted his account after he married his secret fiancée just DMd me from a whole new account to ask me for ‘book recommendations’... how about the bible buddy
Once again I feel it necessary to demand that if any of my followers are hot they must announce this fact, I really do NOT have time to go rummaging through your media like a fucking seagull
Took myself on a date today, Dubuffet at the Barbican, Brick Lane bagel and books, bought some peony-tulip hybrids, home now with the back door open watching torrential rain. I feel shitty but had a nicer time than I would have staying in bed so good for me I guess!
Small acts of kindness towards your neighbours are so important. For instance, I’ve stopped lowering the blind when I have a bath. If just one key worker gets a glimpse of my rocking bod in this trying time I know I will have made a difference
My therapist is doing some really clever immersion therapy to deal with my fear of abandonment which involved her not showing up to our zoom meeting today. It’s a bold move and I love it
I used to think that it was ok to keep who you voted for to yourself, now I think that secret voting is unforgivable shy Tory behaviour. Speak up for what you believe in, loudly and repeatedly, or be complicit in crimes against the poor and vulnerable. Those are your options
Anyone wanna read my money diary? I stand in front of the yoghurts on the verge of tears deciding whether I deserve to buy the kind I like, then I have one single alcohol and drop kick my whole purse into the sea
Omg i went to the south bank (to get wax sucked out of my ears) and i was enjoying a nice riverside slice of cake and thinking hmmm… v busy today… a lot of weirdo energy around… yeah I’ve accidentally joined the dead queen queue
Absolutely beside myself to report that my bf was just very cheerily singing the classic Smiths lyrics that we all know and love: “I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ, I’m the DJ”
I’m in Italy and my boyfriend just walked into a salami. Life doesn’t get better than being in Italy and seeing your boyfriend boink his head on a salami imo
Can someone tell the people now descending on my mentions that this is a joke and I don’t have a son so their advice on this matter is really of no use to me
Ten days ago I had an emergency c section and today is the first day I can sit and stand without eye watering pain and the days are getting longer and my little boy is beautiful and that’s what I feel like tweeting rn!!!!
I met a girl at a party last night whose name was Ned and when she introduced herself she said ‘like Ned Flanders’ and I said ‘do you say that every time you introduce yourself?’ And she said ‘Yeah’. I loved her
My number 1 fav place to sit is on a kitchen counter drinking a glass of wine. My number 2 fav place to sit is on a step smoking a cigarette. Chairs can fuck off completely, stop wasting my time
Sorry to be earnest on the tl but I spent all day writing having sex and drinking campari and I realised I need to spend more days doing what makes me happy (writing, having sex and drinking Campari) and fewer days doing things that make me cry with stress
Cheeks flushed from the unseasonably cold Paris afternoon, socialite Ghislaine Maxwell tucks her feet up underneath her in the booth, sighing as she bites the end of a buttered asparagus spear. Years of sex trafficking have barely taken a toll: not a lock of hair out of place
Ok one more thing about Dune. When I see a fantasy film I need there to be like a weird little guy, like a yoda, a gollum… a really fucked up little guy. And it just didn’t have one of those at all. 0/10
Getting 2 kittens. Just met them and they climbed all over us with their spiky little hands and shouted. Couldn’t understand whatever goblin language they were speaking. Ok pics in 2 weeks when we pick them up
Bought myself another one of those distinctly 2021 dresses in the full knowledge that I’ll look back at photos of myself and wonder why I was feeling sexy dressed as a 5 year old pilgrim girl’s favourite handmade doll