a story I should tell more: my hottie NYU babysitter (from ages 6-11) resurfaced in my life when I moved to LA, hired me as HER child's babysitter, and then fired me because there was too much “sexual tension” between us. not my fault! shes the one who showed me Amelie! shut up!

@nicolaiarips GO NIC GO NIC CHILD PRODIGY XOXOOXOX

RT @rianjohnson: A first look at Daniel Craig and Josh O’Connor in the next Benoit Blanc mystery, Wake Up Dead Man. Working on it, much mor…

Instead of logging into RAYA why wouldn’t u just go to SWEETGREEN

@dorajar_ Dora you're inspiring the TITcunt out of me for the utter self possession, total humor, and sheer BRAVENESS of how youre handling weird internet shite...sending you the most high fives from here at my laptop and cant wait to see you perform MWAHHH

@Z_Styles1 well that is extremely extremely nice sir thank you for making me feel useful-ish!

ex bf used to hold all first-time meetings strictly in Starbucks' so that he could suss out a persons vibe based off their ability to enjoy Starbucks. probably a good system, but also somehow really rly sinister and duplicitous. cant say more. (I failed the Starbuck test myself)

gonna go walk off all this tweeting in Central Park

did u guys know that Rasputin's daughter, post his assassination, went to France and became a Lion Tamer in some circus. damn. that is a GREAT way to deal with trauma. surround yourself in complete danger to get far from the mental pain. not too shabby Maria...not. too. SHABBY!

RIP to the year 2000 when we had "computer class" and the first lesson plan was "google your parents" day. I raised my hand, typed up my dads info, and promptly projected my fathers sexual harassment case onto the classroom wall. good way to find out about it tbh. I wasnt alone

I was so zoinked and constantly skunked during quarantine, that in the Hollywood hills in Los Angeles, I truly thought an acceptable form-of-mask was my literal granny panties wrapped around my nose

I was good at Twitter back when I did drugs and had no life

Formula for a good tweet: Type your immediate thoughts EXACTLY as you’re thinking them, thoughts that you would NEVER, EVER, EVER say aloud in broad daylight to a person you respect

here's a movie idea you may rip from me (I do however expect a "special thanks" credit on my imdb from you 1.5 years from now): DAKOTA JOHNSON STARS IN: A SCREEN ADAPTATION OF: "AMELIA BEDELIA"

when I was a down n out actress, my mom was soooo so good to me. it is harder to be nice to a tacky-ass hack-ass carrie Bradshaw daughter; but she still finds the time

Morning Haiku: I am a baby Mutilate; I masturbate I cry and I cry

today I will work hard at Twitter

I haven't been a people-pleaser since the year 2021. never thought it'd happen to me. been 4 years even of not engaging in small talk; not being nice to frauds and phonies; not sucking up to girls im intimidated by. I dont get all the invites anymore but I feel muchacha better<3

I love the days I know I'm not gonna get any writing done but I take an Adderrall anyway & fire up 20 texts to men I should NOT be texting. Today they all ended the same: "But that's just me. Youre YOU! Thank GOD for THAT! okay. Bon voyage! This text requires a no-response FYI"

I think Sylvia Plath would have been a great and committed texter; no group threads for her tho