Cerys Nelmes 🦄
@cerysnelmes
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Comedian, TV Warm Up Artist, Actor and Presenter! West Country born and bred! Menopausal! Ex-firefighter and ex-ambulance crew! Reality TV superfan!
The Cotswolds
Joined May 2010
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I’ve got a
#metoo
story about a known comedian with very famous comedian friends. Can I talk about it? Nope. Not yet. As I’ll lose work and get shut down.
Last time there were rumours circling he tried to contact me and apologise for what he did.
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And no surprise to any of us, all of his well known comedian friends are well aware.
His time is coming. It won’t be tonight.
#dispatches
@Channel4
#comedy
#metoo
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My friend Sue has been exposed in this video. She was just lonely and needed some affection and has now become a laughing stock.
Although the Kings Lodge is now fully booked all of December and January! So, she is feeling much better about it all now!
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Again, it’s amazing the amount of predators in the comedy industry that are either making jokes or coming out in support of the victims tonight!
We see you. We’re coming.
#predators
#comedyindustry
#Dispatches
#metoo
#EnoughIsEnough
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@LouiseAThompson
@SamThompsonUK
so lovely meeting you all earlier! Thank you for supporting the event!
#WALKIT
#crohnsandcolitisuk
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@Charliecondou
Big Mandy in This Country! I wasn’t big enough but given time I could have smashed that goal!
But I did get the role of ‘lesbian smoking chef wearing a strap-on’ in C4’s Pure! 😂
#typecast
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I’m currently having problems at work due to me being menopausal. If you are too then please fill in the survey so we can gets things changed for us!
#Menopause
@ThisisDavina
🙌
How does the
#menopause
affect you at work? The results will be shared with doctors and employers to encourage the adoption of good menopause support practices in the
#workplace
. We want to help women to thrive in their careers.
Complete the survey:
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You are friends with a guy that has done similar and you are very aware of what he has done in the past.
In response to the Russell Brand news
@MetroOpinion
have republished an article I wrote in 2020. I have such admiration for the courage of those who came forward, tireless investigation from journalists & all those who find coverage a traumatic reminder of their own experiences
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Tell me you compere at Glastonbury Festival without telling me you compere at Glastonbury Festival…..
@glastonbury
@glastocabaret
@glastotandc
❤️
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If I’m gonna appear on the panel of
#CBBBOTS
then Monday night needs to be the one! I’m a domestic violence survivor and they need someone to address the
#CBBRoxanne
exit!
@Rylan
I’m coming for you!
@EmmaWillis
@bronwenmurphy
@LukeKempner
@bbuk
#CBB
#BBUK
Call me!
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The born and bred Cotswoldians are the best!
@JeremyClarkson
loving
#ClarksonsFarm
Glad I’m a local!
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I’ve never offended anyone when I MC and I say some pretty brutal things. We’re all waiting on the vid
@ComedyStoreMCR
but we know that it’ll just show a comedian doing their job and an audience having a good night! I called 4 women prostitutes on Sat night and we ALL laughed!
Hi everyone. I dispute this version of events. I can’t get access to the footage until Wednesday but when I do I’ll post it in its entirety and let you decide for yourselves.
I’ll also be looking at the legal angle of these events in my podcast
@mondeolaw
with my barrister friend
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Dropped from a well paid gig because the guy wanted to book ‘something else’ instead. Just seen that the something else he went for was a lesser male comic instead of a fabulous female comic! 🤦♀️ It’ll never change will it!
#comedy
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One of the most surreal and uplifting shows that I’ve ever been part of is coming to an end at midnight!
@watsoncomedian
@RufusHound
@TiernanDouieb
@AngelaBarnes
@jaydeadams
@birdmanwatching
@tombellforever
@thedangold
thank you so much xxx it’s been a blast!
#ComedyMarathon
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I have watched every single series! My favourite ever
@bbuk
contestants are, in no particular order:
@AlisonHammond2
@NickBateman1
@brianofficial
@katelawler
Jade Goody
@Josiestweet
@AaronAllardMorg
@dexter_koh
@hughie_maughan
@iamlewisdean
@ccole_99
#BBUK
#BBBOTS
😢
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Why can’t we ring in the New Year earlier in the evening, say 8pm? That way we can all have a drink and some fun but we can still get to bed before 10pm. Just a thought.
#HAPPYNEWYEAR
🤪
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@PodAnotherOne
The plot thickens! Police turned up on my doorstep last week to arrest me! 4 months after the ‘incident’!
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Well Alastair Campbell should shut up sticking up for
#Roxannepalette
! He hasn’t got a clue. He can ‘feel/sense that she’s not spinning a line’. Dear god.
#jeremyvineon5
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If you’ve not watched Brassic series 1 & 2 then you are missing a superbly written comedy by
@dannybrocklehur
and Joe Gilgun! One of the funniest things you could ever watch! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Sooooo good!
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I’m stuck with mum squatting with us for the foreseeable future. This morning she missed the pre-programmed gym class, beginners knitting and scented candle making. So I put her in the shed.
#coronavirus
#coronacomedy
#keeplaughing
#comedy
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Is it just me who doesn’t like lending my pen to other people because other people are PEN STEALING BASTARDS??? 😊
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I’ve always liked Fatima Whitbred! She is an amazing woman and a bloody machine! Girls, this is what a role model looks like! 💪💪💪
#fatimawhitbred
#celebritysas
#SASWhoDaresWins
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I LOVE this photo of me from Glastonbury Festival last year! Mcing the Cabaret stage!
@glastonbury
@glastocabaret
@glastotandc
@emilyeavis
#rosabloom
Sequins and an iridescent cape! Can’t wait for next year!
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I’m overwhelmed to be mentioned as one of the front runners in the Best Compere category in the Comics Comic award! Keep them votes coming in comedy brethren! 😘 Made my bloody Christmas that has!
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It’s the last Walk It for this year for
@CrohnsColitisUK
in Birmingham! The sun is shining, everyone is smiling and getting ready for the off!
#WALKIT
#Birmingham
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@joelycett
@Kathbum
@LloydGriffith
I can’t stop watching the grand opening of the kitchen extension! HILARIOUS! And what a national anthem! 😍
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You’ll all be over the moon to know that I’m through to the Final of OLD COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR!!! 😜 If you want to come and support this old bint on Sunday 3rd June at Leicester Square Theatre then I’d love to see you, through my withered old eyes! 👵🏻 Wear your Tenas!
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I’ve got 5 dogs and I’ve never accidentally killed one of them. I also saved my own hard earned money to buy them. Maybe ‘gifting’ celebs dogs is not what breeders should be doing! 😡
#katieprice
@jrcbullies
#devastaing
#rolo
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The first ever
#WalkIt
in
#Plymouth
for
@CrohnsColitisUK
! Everyone getting ready at the Event Village before their 5 and 10k walks!
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That’s
@ChrisMoyles
doing the rest of the trials then! Because we are evil! 😂
@imacelebrity
#ImACeleb
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I’ve just hoovered without wearing my smart watch. Now who’s going to believe I did it???
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Just catching up on MAFS UK!
First impressions?
Jay and Luke awwwwwww! ❤️❤️❤️ I’ve got everything crossed for them!!!
Laura can get in the bin. The black wheelie bin not the recycling one. Good luck Arthur! 🤞
#MAFSUK
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Hi Comedy Bookers 👋👋👋 Just to let you know that even though we’ve been through a pandemic, us women are still alive and believe it or not we are still doing comedy and are available to be included in your all male line-ups!
#comedy
#womenincomedy
#ladiesofcomedy
#diversity
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Thanks for having me! ❤️
If you've not listened to our latest episode with
@cerysnelmes
and
@CallumOakley
you really need to.
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Worked alongside this beautiful lady
@CarrieGrant1
yesterday supporting the fabulous
@CrohnsColitisUK
charity and their
#WalkIt
#london
event! 😍
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This doesn't happen everyday!
#owlattack
#nightowl
#eddietheeagleowl
#owlbeback
Only in the Cotswolds!
#Cotswolds
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I have had the best weekend hosting the
#DofEAdventure
in Cheltenham for
@DofE
! What a fab bunch of people! Such a great time had by all! And I hope I made it memorable for everyone! 😜
#youregoingthewrongway
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🙌🙌🙌GLASTONBURY, I LOVE YOU!
We're excited to reveal the 2022 line-up poster for our incredible Theatre and Circus Fields!
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There’s loads of performers at Edinburgh Fringe that won’t get ANY audience in. Let’s not focus on one performer and sell her show out, let’s spread the love everywhere! It’s a hard slog up there, I had a breakdown in 2019 doing it and I’ve never performed there again!
#edfringe
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Are we allowed to volunteer to help the NHS? I have 10 days of self isolation left but then want to do whatever I can to help out!
@NHSuk
I’m an ex-firefighter x
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@nomadicrevery
@MetroOpinion
You are friends with a guy that has done similar and you are very aware of what he has done in the past.
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I was in an abusive relationship, Roxanne is making a mockery of abuse and domestic violence! 😡 Wow, just wow! I haven’t even watched all of
@bbuk
yet!!!
#CBB
#CBBUK
#BBUK
#CBBRoxanne
Poor Ryan, he’s a good egg that one!
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Just sat and watched
@HelenLederer
do her What’s The Fuss podcast with Lloyd Langford and
@TheTonySlattery
! Oh my days, what absolutely hilarious shenanigans! Catch another one tomorrow at 14:45 at the Pear Tree! 🤣🤣🤣
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The church for dads funeral was packed to the rafters, standing room only! ❤️❤️❤️
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Best Celebrity Bake Off ever! Some of my faves
@DizzeeRascal
,
@grimmers
and
@ReeceShearsmith
with me on an advert in the first break! 🤣🤣🤣
#BakeOff
#GBBO
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Dear ITV and BBC, would it be possible to sometimes use different actors for the same genre of drama. Currently I don’t know whether I’m watching Trigger Point, Line of Duty, The Responder, Good Cop, Luther, The Bay, Happy Valley etc etc etc!
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@bbcpointswest
a beautiful photo of some flags at Glastonbury! Thought you might like it!
#glastonburyfestival2017
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If I was a teacher, I’d definitely be wearing shit like this every day to teach in!
#dressforthejob
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I used to be a firefighter and am disgusted about the blame being aimed towards all the heroic firefighters that risked their lives at
#Grenfell
. The situations you turn out to cannot all be preempted and trained for. These guys and gals saved lives! 👩🚒👨🚒
#firefighters
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Just watched the last series of After Life. Fucking hell
@rickygervais
, I can’t stop crying 😢
#AfterLife3
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The next case for
#DCIBanks
is the case of the disappearing suit jacket during the fight scene! 😂
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🙌🙌🙌🏆
Comics' Comic award results...
Best Comic: Mark Simmons (
@JokesWithMark
)
Best MC:
@CerysNelmes
Best Promoter:
@StephenCGrant
Outstanding Achievement:
@downstairskhead
promoter Peter Grahame
Full story:
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Comedians around the UK currently hate Stockport and Bolton football teams for bumping our mate
@scottbcomedyuk
off our TV’s tonight!
#liveattheapollo
😩
@BlueBook_AM
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The
@vango
airbeam is up and looking resplendent in the sunshine of Glastonbury Festival! Catch me mcing the Cabaret tent all weekend! 😍
@glastotandc
@glastocabaret
@GlastoFest
☀️☀️☀️
#comedy
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How the hell did Bryce and Melissa stay together??? Let alone have kids!??
#MAFSAUS
#MAFSAustralia
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Bloody hell, look at this! ❤️
Bristol - get ready for this HUGE line-up for our Comedy Gala on 29th May at
@YateTownFC
@JasonManford
@themiltonjones
@AurieStyla
@cerysnelmes
and
@mc_hammersmith
Tickets:
#standupcomedy
#bristol
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I’ve lost count of the amount of people that have said I remind them of
@Dawn_French
! Every time someone says it, I’m over the fucking moon!
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As a massive
@bbuk
superfan I’m so sad that Lewis F has been removed! Waaaaaaaaaah! I wanted him to win! Such a good housemate!
#lewisflanagan
#LewisF
#BBUK
#BBBOTS
#besthousemate
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Catching up with tonight’s
#topoftheshop
whilst eating cheese on sourdough toast! 😋 I would buy everything in that shop, every week! This is exactly what a farm shop should be! 😍
#inspiring
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Any ideas what I can do with these ripe bananas? I don’t want to throw them away.......
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Everybody is googling viewing figures for the Women’s football final and the Queens funeral right now!
@imacelebrity
#ImACeleb
#ImACelebrity
#Lionesses
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Who are the most terrifying fictional serial killers currently on a tv show? Barbie and Ken on Harlan Coben’s Stay Close on Netflix! Fucking hell! The dancing!!! 😳
#StayClose
#barbieandken
@Hyoie
#poppygilbert
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My favourite quote from tv this year ‘remember our first Christmas together when we had no money and we had to decorate using the crystals from the chandelier!’ 🤣🤣🤣
#escapetothechateau
#ilovedick
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I’m 43. I haven’t had sex for 8 years. Would I let Matt Hancock grope me in a cupboard?
🤔
NO FUCKING WAY.
#matthanock
#heneedstogo
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