Jason Manford
@JasonManford
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Brand new stand up tour ' A Manford all Seasons' ON SALE NOW Tickets: https://t.co/rzw0lnEppm
Manchester
Joined June 2009
I voted for the many, not the few. Happy to pay more tax if nurses who've looked after my kids don't have to use food banks to feed theirs.
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The maddest thing about the reduction in Universal Credit is it doesn’t even make sense on an economic level!That £20 gets spent in shops, cafes, playcentres, online & in high streets THAT WEEK! It doesn’t get squirrelled away & saved offshore or in high interest pension account.
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Wow! Who is this brilliant person? Absolutely nails the argument for unions. So pleased I saw this.
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Funny that we’re all talking about Gary Lineker and not all those grotesque government WhatsApp messages & cost of living crisis etc it’s almost like we’re being distracted on purpose!.
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.@ArianaGrande you gave those kids the night of their lives,their hearts were full of joy & happiness &that was because of you.Remember that.
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For sale. 2 flights from Manchester to Paris. May 28th. Will NOT sell to scousers. 😭.
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Goodnight Nana Manford, we were so lucky to have you in our lives for so long. 99 years of wonderful moments & incredible memories. Even when dementia took hold, she loved music. Whether making cardigans for kids or bullets for Lancaster bombers, she was an inspirational woman ❤️
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Seen a few comments about Sheridan being on tv a lot this week. It’s not sommat she’s in charge of,she would’ve filmed those 3 excellent shows last year & some scheduler decided they went on this week. So chill out, also she’s excellent & you’re lucky to have her.
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Be honest now, had anyone ever heard or used the word ‘furloughed’ till about a month ago?.
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This doesn’t seem to be getting a lot of press coverage today, so thought I’d help out. You’re welcome @MattHancock . Covid: Matt Hancock acted unlawfully over pandemic contracts
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If it were only themselves affected I’d say it was a case of natural selection for those heading to Durdle Door! But it’s not.Likely anyone fit & healthy enough to sit on a packed beach won’t be ones dying in a few weeks of the virus.God help us.Still highest death rate in Europe
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My heart is breaking for the two nurses who died today. Anyone who is still going out and treating this whole lockdown like one big bank holiday weekend is, in my opinion, culpable for their deaths. That’s how serious it is. Stay in your houses, it’s really not that hard.
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@ArianaGrande you gave those kids the night of their lives,their hearts were full of joy & happiness &that was because of you. Remember that.
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Tips for successful racists. 1) Try not to piss yourself when already wearing bright green shorts and bra. 2) If you’re gonna defend Britain, try to spell it correctly. 😘
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Why do they pretend that their upbringing was worse than it was! We see right through you! A more compassionate answer would’ve been ‘look, my parents worked hard & I was fortunate to have a warm house & food on the table & I want to make sure every child in the UK has that too’.
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Sending support to all our nurses on strike today out there in the cold trying to get better pay and conditions for themselves and their colleagues. As a son of a nurse I know how difficult, frustrating & heartbreaking the job can be. You have the nation’s support. @theRCN
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Thank goodness for @McDonaldsUK milkshakes! 400 calories of vanilla flavoured life-saving goodness and the only thing Nana Manford has consumed for a week! Just need her strong enough to get home and be with her family now. ❤️
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Haha my dad was union leader and shop steward in the NHS for decades, my mum is a nurse, I’ve worked on building sites, in call centres, shops, bars, warehouses, offices etc before I do what I do now. I didn’t just leave school and say “right, I’m off to play the arena!” 😂😂.
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Respect to anyone who brings children to the theatre, but especially those who’s children have additional needs. I want you to know that any noises that to you may feel huge, to us on stage, we don’t mind one bit,we’re so privileged that you went for it & brought them to our show
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I’m becoming slightly obsessed with this fella, he’s taking them down one at a time calmly and confidently. Reminds me of my NHS union leader Dad in his day ❤️. I just wish nurses & other workers had someone fighting their corner so cleverly & passionately.
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Anyway, gonna turn this off for a while. My mum has gone for bypass surgery today and my emotions are too high and on edge to deal with some of the responses I’ll no doubt get, .Give someone a hug. See you xx.
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Kids stayed over at my parents last night. Went to bed okay, woke up breaking the law! 🙄.
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I will not fucking ‘chill out’ when people I love, respect and care about are struggling with no obvious way out. When theatres that have stood for hundreds of years, even surviving wars are closing at a rate of knots. I will keep calling on MPs to do their fucking job and fix it.
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Daughter,6 resolutely refusing to say she’s 5 so I don’t have to pay for a train ticket is making me laugh so hard!.She got angry at me for even suggesting it. She ended the conversation with ‘I’ve worked hard to get here!’ .To where? 6?! 😂 proper belly laughs here!.
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This is one of the most ridiculous arguments you can read about theatre and the arts. Bulk of my audience are working class, pantomimes which often fund theatre all year round are patronised by mainly working class people. Theatre is for everyone. Even pricks like you.
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So heartbroken to read about the passing of comedy legend Bobby Ball. Such a hilarious man. The comedy community is a poorer place without him. ❤️💔 #RockOn #RIPBobbyBall
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Text my Dad earlier telling him he should maybe take some time off work (he’s in his 60s and works as a Janitor in a block of flats). This was his reply. 😂🤮
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Last visit to see Nana Manford for a while. Couldn’t go inside as she’s 96 with a pre-existing lung disorder so I just told her some really rude jokes to cheer her up! #StaySafe
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There is no quicker comic than Lee Mack. Every comic in this country will tell you, when you work with Lee it’s like lining up against Usain Bolt in the 100m. You think “I’m quick, but I’m not as quick as that fella!” 😂 #1PerCentClub @itv.
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Can only apologise to @mrmichaelball and @AlfieBoe that people thought my impressions of you were good enough 😂 thanks for all your lovely messages folks, was a cracking show to be part of, so much fun. Well done @NicolaRoberts, what a voice! @MaskedSinger.
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So many of you have asked and checked in so I thought I’d let you know that against all odds Nana Manford has made it back home! .Thankfully my dad has just retired, my auntie Sharon is a saint and my mum is a nurse so it means she’ll be well looked after by people that love her.
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I’m not being argumentative here but can someone explain (in a non-patronising manner) why if Manchester’s R number is lower than london we are in tier 3?.
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Such a lovely vibe in London today, everyone walking around, talking to each other, smiling, having a laugh with strangers! It’s like being up north! .#londonpride2023🌈🦄🌈
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Amazon paid £400m tax on £20.6billion profit, Starbucks pay £5m on £95m profit, eBay paid less than £10m from £1b profit, Apple stores paid £800k from £971m, Facebook paid £29m from record £3.3b sales, google paid £50m from £1.8b profits…shall I carry on Nobby Nobpecker?.
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I’m absolutely gutted about this. So heartbroken for his wife and children. One of the funniest men I’ve ever worked with and I used to adore occasionally making him laugh on my first proper telly job, 8 Out of 10 Cats. RIP mate xx.
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So rare to agree wholeheartedly with every word a politician said 😂.
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I just farted so badly in bed that my wife said, and I quote “you’ve fucking RUINED Christmas!”.
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Someone on train is having an epic start to their hen do, just heard “this announcement is for the benefit of the future Mrs Powell - it’s essential that passengers keep clothes on at all times on Avanti west coast trains. Failure to do so will result in an intervention at Stoke”.
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They think we’re fucking idiots! The absolute disdain they have for you is unbearable. They can just do what they want now can’t they? Absolute self serving scumbags. Thatcher would spin in her grave to know this is who rules her party now.
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Some very rich people having some very sleepless nights I hope! First stop @MichelleMone methinks….
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Hang on. we’ve been stuck in our houses for 40 odd days, and they’re only just thinking about quarantining arriving visitors from other countries! Absolutely flummoxed!
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Elvis is back in the building! Call off the search! Just strolled in like nothing had happened like a spoilt teenager late in from a party! Thanks for all your help & tips folks.
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Don’t worry KT, it’s only people who pay income tax that will be “paying to feed other people’s kids”. Since you’re unemployable, it ain’t your concern. Best 😘.
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More convinced that ever about Corbyn. Couldn't live with myself to watch this country torn apart by May & the Tories.
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Yeah you idiots! Why not strike on your days off! That’ll show em 😂 . (had to actually google @andreajenkyns to make sure she was a real MP & this wasn’t a parody account 😂). Why doesn’t your government put children first and treat teachers with respect!.
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All I’m saying is that if comedians are gonna get a slap for telling shit jokes, some of us are worried!.
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Also a few other things ya know…I’m sure some people would still rather the working class worked like slaves in Victorian Britain!
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My Nana Manford. She’s beaten breast cancer and Hitler and is still here at the age of 96. She’s not gonna let a virus get her now! Thank you to all the NHS workers and every key worker who is keeping this country running. You are incredible.
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Oh right, if I’m honest, I’ve not noticed you missing from the crowd. All the best ❤️.
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How the hell can Celebrations remove the dad’s favourite, Bounty, and yet keep a chocolate bar that has absolutely outstayed its welcome, the Mars bar?
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We said goodbye to this legend today! Such a precious soul and I’ll miss her always. ‘The greatest thing, you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and to be loved in return’ ❤️. Goodnight Nana Manford xx
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Imagine being one of those MPs who voted against @MarcusRashford’s plea to feed children who need it but then you use your £25 a night voucher to get your own meals for free! .It takes a special kind of person to be cool with that.
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I don’t know why people aren’t separating the two things? Yes the joke was bad, not funny, hurtful. But the reaction and violence was worse? Isn’t this what you tell your kids?! Have I slipped into a parallel fucking universe this morning? 🤦🏻♂️.
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If I can wear a mask and still bang out Cry Me a River, you can wear one to pop to the shops! #GrowUp
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Let’s be thankful nobody told Zelenskyy to ‘stick to comedy’ like people do in this country.
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I mean, who needs 5 days to mix with family over Christmas? About 20 minutes on Christmas morning and I can’t wait for everybody to piss off 😂.
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Just reading Grenfell news,is it me or are they attempting to make the fire chief Michael Dowden a scapegoat for it?It was the cladding you fuckwits. It was the cheap cladding you put on those poor peoples homes that killed them not a man doing his job in impossible circumstances.
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Wonderful woman & the country will miss her dearly. No matter your opinion on the monarchy as a concept you can’t disagree that she put an absolute shift in for over 70 years with grace, patience & strength. Like the country’s Nana she will never be forgotten. RIP Your Majesty
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Is there some sort of politician training that means you’re not able to apologise for anything? @piersmorgan asks a perfectly reasonable question on behalf of the country & @matthancock slimes and worms his way out of it. Disgusting. Please resign. Not fit for office.
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What’s he on about?! I know well more numbers than that! 🙄
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Where the heck is all the flour guys? Is a symptom of Covid-19 turned everybody into master bakers?.
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From a personal view my friends & family don’t benefit at all, & to see them struggling hurts my heart. From a business point of view, my audience are predominantly working class & if they’ve suddenly not got spare cash for comedy tickets, what exactly am I saving 5% tax on!?.
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I’m starting to panic that I’ve not used my lockdown time wisely, not picked up a guitar or downloaded any language apps, the garden is still a mess & the spring clean I did at the beginning is out of date! Have I wasted my lockdown!? Putting on 10 pounds is my only achievement!.
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Took my 5-year-old for some breakfast on Sat in local restaurant. We waited quite a bit for food to come. Son was “starving!”. When it eventually arrived the waiter put the food on table & I said to my son “and what do you say?” .He looked at his plate & just said “Finally!” 😬.
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Odd thing to be happy about but my BMI just went from ‘obese’ to simply ‘overweight’! 😂😂.
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I have not mentally prepared myself for my daughter’s footy this morning having convinced myself that it would be cancelled
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I was only saying this the other day to Jimmy Carr, Rob Beckett, John Bishop, Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais, Lee Mack, Rob Brydon, Jon Richardson, Jack Whitehall, Russell Howard, Josh Widdicombe, Alan Davies, Greg Davies, Bradley Walsh, Steve Coogan, Frank Skinner, James Corden.
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Daughter “my friends climbed Snowdonia this weekend”.Me “oh lovely. I climbed it when I was 12 with The Duke of Edinburgh”.Daughter *gobsmacked “How long have you been famous?!”.Love the idea that for a few minutes she thought I’d climbed a mountain with Prince Phillip 😂.
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Hello. So I was on the train to Bedford the other night after the Carol Service at Westminster Abbey & I ended up sat next to this woman, Caroline Coster. She had no idea how I was or what I did and neither did I tell her and we had a good laugh.
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Imagine a building company fucked up your house. Then came back to ask you for the job to fix the fuck up they did! Would you employ em? This @RishiSunak fella is a grade A sociopath!.
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And the award for most shameless tweet of the year goes to…. .
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This limit of 6 for any social gatherings is gonna be hard. Gotta choose two of my kids who can no longer hang out with us as a family. Ah well, rules are rules!.
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Read story about @hollywills ‘13-strong entourage’. Turns out, the paper have included her 3 kids & her folks! Made it sound like she was being a diva, but actually just a good mum!.Anyway, I’ve gotta crack on & tidy the kitchen after my entourage left it a shit tip before school.
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And with that the whole country was united, Brexit forgotten, election results put to one side, as we all, as one had the exact same thought. ”why is Craig David on the telly?”.
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I’m just warning you, Wordle is on it’s fucking arse today. Not even a word.
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Andrea, this new found level of integrity you have is a real positive step forward for you, your party & the country. I can’t wait for your watchful gaze to be cast over Hunt, Mcvey, Pincher, Benton or even Rishi himself. What an exciting few weeks you have left in power. Enjoy.
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Solicitors are hilarious aren’t they? I get that they charge for every little interaction but last month I emailed mine to tell him I’d paid my bill and he charged me £12 for reading the email! 😂.
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My daughter just spotted this card in the shop. She said ‘what’s that mean?’.I prepped myself for a lot of questions. ”well some people have two mums instead of a mum & a dad”.She looked gutted “Two mums? Ahh that’s not fair!” 😂😂
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Daughter’s sleepover with 5 of her pals has started very well! 😂
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This is simply not true….Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah .Johnny Cash - Hurt.Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You.Feeling Good - Nina Simone.Valerie - Amy Winehouse .Proud Mary - Tina Turner.Me & Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin.and pretty much any Bob Dylan cover 😂😂.
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Nana Manford! Gave her the biggest cuddle today. This last year has been so hard on her, hoping to make up for lost time! ❤️
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The heart thumping moment you get to the supermarket till and fear you’re going to be accused of stockpiling when in fact you just have 6 children who are ‘can I have a snack-ing’ the shit out of your kitchen cupboards!.
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