Stephen Grant
@stephencgrant
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Following
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Comedian, cook, cyclist & climber and not really on X any more. Host @cyclistpod @forgecomedyclub . Nervous #bhafc fan.
Hassocks / Brighton
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Hey all, I’m pretty much off.
I’ve seen some post-Elon flounces off X since he took over - and rolled my eyes at it (“he’s a fascist!” they cry, while eating a Big Mac) but I’ve mainly stuck with this place as it had more pluses than minuses
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So close to getting through to the next round of Britain’s Got Toilets
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How can we British organise something this gargantuan and wonderful so impeccably yet fail to renew a passport in under 12 weeks
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Hi
@BorisJohnson
. You don't know me, I do/run comedy shows. Your 'wait and see' approach is not a 'mid-way compromise'; it's literally the worst outcome. You currently have the medical modelling and the economic forecasting, to know the range of upshots - so make a decision. 1/2
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The best bit about ‘Blame it on the Boogie’ is how they summarise the song at the end using bullet points.
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Great to see jobs going to key workers
James Timpson OBE
@JamesTCobbler
has been appointed Minister of State (Minister for Prisons, Parole and Probation) in the Ministry of Justice
@MoJGovUK
.
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UK: We want to leave!
EU: no, please don't
(UK votes to leave)
UK: actually there's no rush
EU: no, please fuck off
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This may have wiped out my coke stash for the holidays but it's all about the kids innit
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.
@realDonaldTrump
genuinely cannot believe someone who wrote this is going to be president
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I can’t read Dutch and frankly being able to will only ruin this.
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Either tell us when lockdown / restrictions will be - so we know to go ahead or not - or tell us that you definitely won't, or the date you'll reassess. While you don't do either, we have to commit to a plan where everything stays open, and nobody buys tickets. We're dying. 2/2
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I notice it gets called the Astra Zeneca vaccine when they're not sure about it and the Oxford University one when it's smashing it out of the park. This vaccine is very much the "Andy Murray is Scottish/British" of epidemiology
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@JustinTrudeau
Carry on being this kind and Trump's going to want a wall to the North as well.
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Leadsom is anti Gay Marriage but pro Fox Hunting, but is 'willing to compromise'. So expect legislation for Gay Hunting.
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@ShelbyTree
Wow. Why aren’t they taking it seriously? In a nutshell:
“This is outrageous behaviour - what are you going to do?”
“Here’s £5”
“Sorry, do you not understand? He has totally crossed the line and the intrusion is utterly unacceptable”
“Ok ok.... £10”.
😯
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@mike_jenner
@andy_murray
I'd say that you don't get it then. He has a cracking sense of humour. He's a very funny man.
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As front covers go in the US, this is impressively bold.
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Just need David Schwimmer for a full triathlon
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Seems harsh
After his dramatic rescue of a young boy from a Paris balcony, Malian migrant Mamoudou Gassama is made a French citizen
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Suggested bullets:
🔴 He's 25
🔴 Dad just died suddenly
🔴 He was only 64
🔴 He'd probably swap £9bn to have him back
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@realDonaldTrump
Seriously though, where's the tweet where you tackle and prioritise the major issue of a foreign power interfering in your election?
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Unsurprising that the
#BHAFC
game is off when a massive alien spaceship is about to land on the pitch
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@realDonaldTrump
You do realise NATO was America's brainchild? To stop Russian proliferation? Or are you now OK with that, as Putin's mini-me?
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Brighton the highest place Premier League team (6th) to have no players in the
#englandsquad
.
If Lewis Dunk played in any of the other top 8, his place on the plane would just be a given.
#BHAFC
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The hashtag of a cockney asking you, somewhat aggressively, to repeat your point.
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@jk_rowling
If the white Christian van driving community don't do more to root out these extremists they have blood on their hands etc etc
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Thoughts with Simon Cowell who can no longer unlock his phone
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@mare49
@realDonaldTrump
On a more serious note, it's scary to think after 3 hours the only problem he had with the content of that tweet was a minor spelling error.
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@rickygervais
I have this mental image of you checking the pump as you do it ...
$9,997
$9,998
$9,999
...
$10,001
Dammit
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People who wouldn't be able to vote:
* All Trump's kids
* 2 of his wives
* Trump
If only people with at least 4 grandparents born in America were voting, Trump would win in a 50-state landslide.
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No wonder it's called BT Infinity when it's only recommended by 9 out 10,000,000 people.
http://t.co/pWERP0QsxZ
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@realDonaldTrump
Stating what someone else is stating can also be called 'agreeing'. Forget the constitution, do you need a dictionary?
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@realDonaldTrump
this information was available to you prior to you campaigning. Why is it only a surprise to you now?
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It’s an overdone thing to be ‘proud’ of your football team but mine just launched their new shirt by modelling it with players from their men’s, women’s, deaf, amuputee, powerchair, and cerebral palsy teams. Well played
#bhafc
👏🏻
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If people start thinking how Trump speaks is normal, we're going to miss the chance to treat a lot of strokes in those crucial early moments
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@chrisfroome
And more pertinently: if the driver was impatient behind *you*, god only knows what he'd be like behind the rest of us
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@GeoffNorcott
"Daddy I’m having fun!”
“No you aren’t. You’re mistaking familiarity for fun. You’re deeply unsatisfied with this hollow poor quality tripe. Now, repeat after me: BOOOO…”
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Bit of Monday feels for you all.
For the first time in his life Xander can hear perfectly (at full volume). We had to wind the window down for the journey home as he could hear birdsong 🥰
He also now has no excuse when I tell him to put his shoes on for the 85381655017th time
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@mike_jenner
@andy_murray
I'm not sure even that's true. Read his columns on the BBC Sport website and watch his SPOTY interviews, and checkout his Outnumbered cameo. You've been duped by his voice. He's v. funny.
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"For you, the sky's the limit!" - NASA rejection letter
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The World's most masculine name is 'Guy Chapman' as it's effectively 'Bloke Blokebloke'.
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What idiot called it a Tanning Salon and not a Ray Parlour?
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Anyone got any Netflix movie recommendations? Needs to be about 2-3 hours. Just started rinsing out a jar of peanut butter for the recycling so can’t go out until about midday
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@realDonaldTrump
Moaning about Hillary appears to be part of your boot sequence when the WH resets you
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Jeremy Hunt should be running:
❌ schools
❌ the Tory party
❌ the country
✅ a bath
✅ away
✅ with scissors
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@realDonaldTrump
or... why not attend it, but ban all the mainstream press so it's just you and a few nutjobs?
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To secure Tesco's Monday AM slot, I order 1 thing Friday then amend it with my shopping on Sunday. I forgot. Just took delivery of an onion.
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So if a girl emails me 'I'll suck you off' & I say 'let's do it!' but she doesn't do it, that email clears things up with my wife?
#TrumpJr
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“Ain’t Patrick’s Day”
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MI5 shouldn't find it tricky to recruit another 1000 people, as my FB feed appears to be full of self-appointed unpaid security experts
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@sncerelybae
One of those retractable pens where you can choose from one of 6 different colours
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A 94yo planning a party in 2022 during a pandemic that almost exclusively kills pensioners is the kind of optimism this country has been crying out for
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Me: "I'm into anal."
Wife: "Animal!"
And with that, the crossword was complete.
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4000 gigs, 500 pro comics, 23 years. 13 awards and over a million audience members later, the Brighton Krater club is over. For all of you who came, either watch it, play it, or work there, thank you.
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The best thing about the news that a cat has Covid is how all the news organisations are having to use library pictures of cats looking mournful and not cute.
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My new thesaurus is not only poor, it's really poor. Very very poor.
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BBC Services would have been responsible for using funds from the license fee to pay your invoice for appearing on Question Time. The show your profile pic is from.
I pay the BBC licence fee and these are the only services I ever use. Good value for money...?🤷🏻♀️
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Slept with a maths student, and she told me I was ‘average’. Which was mean.
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At what age do kids start finally sorting Mother’s Day theirselves? I do all this running around and then THEY get the cuddles. This is BS
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What you can't see in this pic is our local UKIP candidate trying to deliver a leaflet.
#proudDad
http://t.co/QhEk7XQxF1
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Google marking the roads closed due to
#ManchesterPride2017
in rainbow. Lovely touch 👏 🏳️🌈
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Telephone: 🇮🇹 + 🏴
The web: 🏴(On 🇺🇸 ARPANET)
WWI: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇮🇹 🇷🇺 🇯🇵 (🇺🇸 joined late)
WWII: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇷🇺 🇨🇳 (🇺🇸 joined late)
Moon program 🇺🇸 on 🇩🇪 rocket tech
Atom split: 🇳🇿 in 🇬🇧 uni
Electricity (we use AC not DC): 🇷🇸 (harnessing it⚡️+🪑:🇺🇸)
Mass murdering indigenous ‘Wild West’: 🇺🇸
"Americans harnessed electricity, split the atom, and gave the world the telephone and the internet. We settled the Wild West, won two World Wars, landed American Astronauts on the Moon—and one day soon, we will plant our flag on Mars!"
— President
@realDonaldTrump
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The Japanese man
Wanted a lift in my car
That's a hitchhaiku.
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Tescoman! Don't want to see a cock through the flap of my dressing gown? Then deliver my 11am-1pm shopping between 11am & 1pm.
@TwopTwips
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Shall we have a Twitter strike as well? Just harnessing the momentum? "What do we want?" "More than 140 characters" "When do we want it?" "N
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Another potential UKIP leader
Hungry? A 106-year-old British fruitcake has been discovered in 'excellent condition' in Antartica. 🍰❄️
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In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.
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@realDonaldTrump
What? He didn't choose the context *after* your tweet. You just didn't bother to read or understand it.
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Me: "I'm into anal." Wife: "Animal!". And with that, the crossword was complete.
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@richardosman
They would wait until the UPS started sounding alarms that the whole baggage system was about to go down and use that as their cue to plug it back in again. Every day Heathrow was approx 45 seconds from complete system failure.
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@sezys
(I'm implying he didn't do shit, what with him being woefully ill prepared for this job 🤓)
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Moses was the first person to use "Control-C" as a shortcut.
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