Me: "What are those things in your ears?" Friend: "They help me hear. I'm not completely deaf, though." Me: "So you have hearing HIV and not full blown hearing aids." Friend: "... what?" Me: *deep breath* "SO YOU HAVE HEARING HIV AND NOT FULL BLOWN HEARING AIDS."

City slickers want eggs but they ain't willing to roll up they sleeves an fuck the chicken... NO EGGS FOR YOU THEN

@treydayway @Swoosh61 I hit them with the "look here, Mr. Man" when they really step over the line

RT @treydayway: White guys were right... calling someone who annoys you "buddy" feels phenomenal

@_Jizzabelle Clitoris, cervix, labotomy... I swear you guys are adding parts to that thing every day

"damn, that's a wild take," I say, after hearing the words that just came out of my unmedicated mouth

You take her back to your place and before she slips her dress off she says "kuato lives." Boom! Kuato on her belly. You still hitting it?

RT @kloogans: just saw a guy in mcdonalds jokingly ask for a whopper and the cashier shot him in the head

Every social media app is slowly evolving into tiktok. Is tiktok the crab of social media?

@mahaaaay Hell yeah!

I was bitching about how expensive glasses are and the fact that I legally need them to drive. So, to be an effective tax paying member of society, I need to just fork out a ton of cash every so often. Fucking girl I work with hits me with the ol "sounds like a skill issue."

@benedictsred Would

@candyflippin Dave band Mathews band

@MissyXMartinez I'd go to church if that was in the Bible

RT @MissyXMartinez: If I were Jesus, I would have been getting freaky with my nail holes

@Kombuchaholic1 Mr burns

You jam a fork into the toaster because you're suicidal I do it because I'm fucking stupid

Are you from Mississippi because I wanna drink your piss, or however it goes

When I'm not even tired I always say I'm sooo tired in front of people with kids. They fuckin lose their shit

@husbandfuck3r @DJ_MammothMusic Hell yeah! Sterrrrts!