Alexis Pereira
@MrAlexisPereira
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A 21st Century Fox; writer on Disney’s Hamster & Gretel
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2011
Ben Franklin
Name other scholars beside Oppenheimer who spent their later years running away from their early work.
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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The first half of this video is already incredible. And then it kicks it into another gear.
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That’s right. I have them all.
BREAKING: Hackers may have stolen the Social Security numbers of every American from National Public Data, around 2.9 billion records, per the LA Times.
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I thought I looked nice in my sweater but my fiancée said I look like a retired member of the X-Men.
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I will never forget this chart for as long as I live.
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Reading about an Airbnb host who’s taking four properties off the app and he cited these “draining” stories. These are actually totally normal issues…in a hotel. You tried to run a hotel without a front desk.
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Told my girlfriend that when Lucille 2 dated Buster in Arrested Development, it was a reference to Liza Minnelli dating Lucille Ball's 20-year-old son in real life in the '70s, and she said that's the last fact I'm allowed to tell her for 2021.
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Your friends’ excuses for why they can’t hang out when you hit your late 30s
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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“A guest was upset that their $400 a night hotel didn’t have a toilet. Come on. Just go in the woods! I just wanna collect a check!”.
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He swings the camera right to look at a completely unrelated near-accident, and then the hot wheels car rolls into frame. Teach this shot in film school.
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I’m glad they’re checking big bags on the subway in NYC. Every victim of subway crime remembers how their assailant had a big bag full of weapons.
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One scam we gotta end, whether its Ticketmaster or AirBNB or anywhere, is the "service fee" they tack on at the end. We already have a fee for service, it's called the PRICE. They literally are saying, "here's what you owe me, and also here's what you owe me for owing me.".
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Twitter is doing amazing. A person pretending to be Louis CK not only is verified but is making money by selling subscriptions for a follow and tweeting right wing propaganda.
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Leftists: Abortion should be legal. Republicans: You should face 30 years for a miscarriage. Biden: How about 15?.
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@TheTylerVargas “Mr. Franklin, the British also have a team working on eating pussy. Our independence is at stake!”.
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This is from Ben Franklin’s Wikipedia btw. Sorry I didn’t cite.
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Thought I'd help Bernie answer this question about union health insurance
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Wow, thanks to Henry Dearborn at American Comedian for the writeup about this tweet. Can't believe any media is actually interested in this lol
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If you hit the pause button on the HBO Max app and want to hit play, you have to wait until they call over the manager with the key.
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@ByYourLogic I would take 95% fall damage and see everything in blinking red for a minute if it meant I could leave a Knicks game in 4 seconds.
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Living in Queens is amazing because whenever a country wins a World Cup game I can walk a few blocks to party with their people.
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If you bury a movie with Michael Keaton in it you should go to jail.
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@bethbourdon Ironically there’s a lot of good Yahoo Answers on what to do if you hit a buggy high on meth and kill two people.
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Inexplicably interviewing Woody Allen on Instagram Live, watching as Woody loses Wi-Fi, and then getting up to yell something in Spanish that I a native Spanish speaker can’t understand has surpassed Schweddy Balls as the new funniest thing Alec Baldwin has ever done. God tier.
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This is dreamworld honestly. Large open green spaces, minimal cars, room for bicycles, people occasionally tortured and eaten by a large cat.
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Parasite winning Best Movie means we’re getting Bernie.
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@curtwes23 @ByYourLogic I've already instructed my family and friends to immediately walk on my body and take everything.
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In the past 12 hours over 1000 people have commented “it’s fake, he’s a comedian, and he’s not funny,” which barely beats my record.
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I share the same dream as every comedian: to make it so big that I get asked to do an interview/photoshoot with expensive clothes and am asked serious questions about my personal philosophy and I say the stupidest shit anybody has ever heard in their fucking lives.
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I’m still processing it but today in the first minute on the first day of my first ever tv writing staff position my cat knocked my coffee out of my hand and completely destroyed my laptop.
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@knicks_tape99 I like that he and Lebron have a deal never to play each other in the regular season.
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@phil_so_silly Super Bowl 27 was def a holocaust. Cowboys scored two touchdowns in 15 seconds.
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As @nntaleb once said, the reason why Trump is so comically bad at explaining things is that he's never had a boss.
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@bransonreese 8 seconds? Is he writing a novel? I'm on and off the toilet in 4 seconds tops. The trick is to have your shits ready before you're over the target like you're bombing a 1943 German weapons factory.
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Reason for returning karate outfit:. ◻️ Size.◻️ Color.☑️ Landlord made you stop standing on roof watching the sunrise vowing revenge.
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I like how a few replies are chastising me for “falling for an obvious parody.” Yeah I need my money back!.
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A few people reached out and yes that was me on the news. I grabbed the clip.
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@getfiscal I still laugh randomly at your Rodney bit where he says it’s easy to fast on Ramadan because of his wife’s cooking lmao.
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So, my dad passed away last night, and I’m obviously I’m doing a terrific job staying off Twitter and dealing with the grief. But right now I’d give anything to get rid of the dull ache of repeating putting my foot on a step that’s no longer there.
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If you're running for mayor and somebody asks you what the average price of an apartment is in Brooklyn and you say $90k, you literally cannot be trusted to know anything. You're not even qualified to live in NYC, let alone run it.
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I’m watching SNL valiantly attempt to put on a show in the middle of a Covid surge and NBC just showed a commercial for Louis CK’s next comedy special. Absolutely cursed stuff.
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My favorite Joe Biden thing is he often says something so dumb people start laughing, and then he says "no I'm serious." The audience typically doesn't know what to do at this point. It has happened like 100 times.
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One of my sketch students wrote to me and said his friend got a really great writing job. But instead of being happy for him, he was angry. He asked if I had any tips. I told him I didn't but to please never again email me about somebody succeeding. Now I'm angry too.
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We are on day three of my brother and I trying to explain to our immigrant parents what going viral on twitter means. “Do you get money?” No! “Will somebody hire you to write comedy?” No again! What don’t they get about how great it is?.
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Donald Glover hiring Malia Obama to write for him is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. The man is on another level.
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2020 was a much simpler time. It started with Covid and ended with Alec Baldwin's six kids finding out they aren't really latino and it was actually just their mom's hobby.
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@TheSun That first one had me crying. “As you can see, deep frying a turkey has the same force of 3 atom bombs.”.
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New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Responds to Harassment Allegations
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I went back and forth for a while about writing this and I’m glad I did it. I hope at the very least it helps someone else be ready. Also, I am young - I just have premature gray hair. Please believe me.
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Steinway street in Astoria. Today we are all Moroccan
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Remember in The Truman Show when Truman wanted to leave his town by bus and none of the actors knew what to do so the driver just broke the bus? That’s the Iowa Caucus. Bernie got on and said “ok let’s go” and everybody had to pretend it hadn’t been fake the entire time.
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@VioletTamaskan I'm crying tears over here. Bernie lounging in his Toyota 4Runner with the AC turned up while his grandkids throw bricks at each other in the front yard.
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Living in NYC is funny because on the national news they say the city is completely empty and everyone has fled but meanwhile you can't get a table at a restaurant and rent prices keep going up so much that landlords are making us bid for apartments at Sotheby's.
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This was People Magazine’s cover for next week. Betty White is the funniest person of all time.
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Time to do my yearly google asking the difference between sound mixing and sound editing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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@allahliker I ump little league for $30 a game. You don’t think coaches slip me a 20 when they really need a win? Strike zone just got 10 feet higher.
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Everyone please stop saying my manager should drop me. I already lost my teaching job for posting my student’s Tom and Jerry essay. I can’t afford to not have a rep.
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If I didn't live in NYC I'd be annoyed by how much New Yorkers love bodegas but let me be clear: this is the only city on the planet with many readily available and conveniently located egg sandwich options. The rest of you are driving 25 minutes to Panera.
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@BrandyLJensen Had a wisdom tooth removed through surgery and right before the surgery the surgeon went "whoa! this is gonna be a tough one. Never tried one that deep before.".
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Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa outlines his first days in office as Mayor of NYC - Live at Union Hall
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@SamanthaaaReece I was so deeply upset when I first heard it. Getting insurance through work is a bug, not a feature.
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I told my girlfriend that dating shows like The Bachelor and Love Is Blind neglect how important sexual chemistry is in a healthy relationship and are thus puritanical, and she said working from home with me and listening to my theories all day is “a nightmare.”.
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My friends just made fun of me for working hard on a TV show application. Well they won't be laughing when my jokes are on TV. Nobody will be laughing.
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