Orli Matlow
@HireMeImFunny
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Yet another comedian and TV writer (Adult Swim, SundanceTV). If there were a self-deprecation competition I'd probably lose. She/her
New York, NY
Joined November 2010
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Baby Yoda implies the existence of a Sporty Yoda, Scary Yoda, Ginger Yoda, and Posh Yoda
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Behind every king is a woman who dragged him around on a sled for three years never to be heard from again
#GameofThrones
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Is running for president just "starting a podcast" for rich people?
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Who wore it better: Children detained in McAllen, Texas or Ivanka Trump
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NFL players aren't protesting the anthem, they're protesting police brutality. That's like saying hunger strikes are against food
#TakeAKnee
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Donald Rumsfeld is survived by the love of his life, the Iraq War
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Warning in advance to MAGA chugs to keep Gus Walz’s name out of their damn mouths
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Paul Ryan training to go door-to-door and kill 24 million people himself
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The only role that makes sense for Scarlett Johansson to play at this point is Rachel Dolezal
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“They were careless people, Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”
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HOT TAKE: STANDING NEXT TO A DICTATOR AND SAYING YOU BELIEVE HIM OVER EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY IS MORE DISRESPECTFUL TO LAW ENFORCEMENT THAN NOT STANDING FOR A DAMN THEME SONG
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I hope they surprise Shkreli and increase his sentence by 5000% overnight
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Tim Walz and Taylor Swift are taking football back from Republicans 💪💪
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I'm so glad Jurassic Park isn't real because this would be every man's Tinder pic
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Not enough people say “we like you, you’re a good person who isn’t annoying” to me every twenty minutes to keep me from going insane
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She wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I support the American Federation of Teachers
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Ivanka Trump's alleged punk phase consisted of listening to Sk8er Boi and relating to the girl who said see you later boy
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If a comic insists on using this setup, the punchline should be that surviving a shooting doesn't make you interesting because thanks to the NRA, it happens every fucking day
"You're not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot," Louis C.K. said during a recent stand-up set, calling the younger generation boring
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Imagine being so homophobic you resort to theatre
Oh my god. The protester has a fake
@PeteButtigieg
whipping Jesus on a cross. I have no words.
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When you ask Ivanka how she ever got anything in her life
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It took Trump almost half a Scaramucci to condemn Nazism
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Combining Nixon's paranoia, Reagan's dementia and W.'s complete lack of knowledge, Donald Trump truly is the ultimate Republican president
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Call me when Jared Kushner’s role in the family is downgraded to “Tiffany”
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I thought Trump was against removing Confederate monuments
Donald Trump announced on Twitter on Wednesday that Jeff Sessions is out as attorney general, and that Sessions' chief of staff, Matthew Whitaker, will take over as the acting head of the Justice Department
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I'm sure the Monster Mash was great but Mary Shelley losing her virginity on her mother's grave is the ultimate graveyard smash
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@ArielDumas
@AshaRangappa_
Just in case there’s any doubt that a 14 year old is a CHILD!
#MeAt14
#NoMoore
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Betsy DeVos on rape, basically: "There's violence on many sides, on many sides."
#StopBetsy
#INeedIX
#DearBetsy
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Hey sick person! You can't have healthcare but please, enjoy a gun
JUST IN: House strikes down Obama-era regulation that blocked gun sales to mentally ill
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No one
Chokes like Ted Cruz
No one croaks like Ted Cruz
No one takes the fun out of the jokes like Ted Cruz
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I miss the old Kanye, pro-civil rights Kanye
Picking fun fights Kanye, piss off the whites Kanye
I hate the new Kanye, the Dilbert dude Kanye
The MAGA brood Kanye, watches Fox News news Kanye
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Remember the time Trump supporters hosted a literal Nazi rally and murdered a woman by hitting her with a car
That was pretty rude and uncivil tbh
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Producers are actively seeking scabs: I was just offered $20,000 to "ghostwrite" on a movie and I turned it down. I have too much integrity and love attention too much to write under those circumstances. Solidarity forever
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Your honor, my client is innocent. He was just a teenage dirtbag, baby
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The Harvey Weinstein courtroom sketch artist is my new favorite artist
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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Felix Sater
Ivanka's trip
Michael Cohen
Finnish blip
Moscow's Trump Tower plan
NK missile on Japan
We didn't start the fire
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Trump nominates toothpaste as secretary of orange juice
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Pence's defense: *I* wouldn't have met the Russian lawyer because she's a woman
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What high schoolers look like on TV vs. What I looked like in high school
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But if we defund the police who will ignore all the warning signs?
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — Utah man who killed wife, 5 kids was accused of abuse by daughter who in 2020 told police she thought he would kill her.
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@benshapiro
Churches are monuments to God, not the West, but facts don't care about your feelings
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Never forget that Tomi Lahren thought Nixon was one of the heroes of "All The President's Men"
#watergate
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On Jared Kushner's first day in prison he'll show everyone who's the boss, walk up to the biggest guy and marry his daughter
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I want to write comedy so I can speak truth to power and then hang out with power at parties
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How can Millennials not relate to Hillary? She just wants to move back into the house she lived in in the 90s
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It's insane that Trump finds Ivanka attractive. She's over 35
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@RichLowry
*Jeff Foxworthy voice*
If you fail to meaningfully denounce anti-semitism and depend on white supremacists to be part of your governing coalition.......you might as well be an anti-Semite.
What’s even the theory supposed to be that Trump is an anti-Semite?
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@therealroseanne
Stephen Colbert roasted Bush at the 2006 Correspondents Dinner and was never heard from again
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A rabbi, a priest, and a nun walk into Twitter to burn Sarah Sanders’ ‘biblical’ justification for family separation
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Beat your first wife, shame on you. Beat your second wife, John Kelly applauds you for your consistency, dignity and honor
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If you see a faded sign at the side of the road that says
"15 miles to the
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Pete Davidson covering up his Ariana Grande tattoos after covering up his Cazzie David tattoos
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"How do you do, fellow mammal?"
I regret to inform you that Mike Bloomberg attempted to shake a dog’s mouth.
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Can't wait until tomorrow when all the Americas are on sale
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You're not allowed to have a "troubled past" if you're assautled or murdered, only if you're elected president
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Happy Passover to everyone except Jared and Ivanka. May their Seders be long and boring, their matzah constipation farts be putrid, and the Afikomen be hidden in an extremely far, inconvenient place
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When you cyberbully your friends and pretend to be the victim when they don't show up to your party
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Remember when we used to talk about Nazis in past tense
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Peter Dinklage wins the Emmy for saying "And who has a better story than Bran?" with a straight face
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Wow it's like every Trump/Russia controversy has another Trump/Russia controversy inside
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