Knockout Kiwi
@KnockoutKiwi
Followers
10,869
Following
5,170
Media
10,743
Statuses
36,689
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Pinned Tweet
Babe, what’s wrong? You haven’t eaten your Croissantosaurus...
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I love routine.
Until I get bored, then I love excitement.
Until I get overwhelmed, then I love routine.
Being an introvert is hard.
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My favourite sex position is whichever one hurts my back the least
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Have you ever given someone a second chance and regretted it?
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Once you understand why pizza is made round, packed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle, then you can understand women 😉
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Science tip: You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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Guys always want a threesome until you tell them which man you had in mind...
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Having sex in the missionary position is as religious as I get.
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Sorry I didn't call you back. That's not what I use my phone for.
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If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy taken.
Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships.
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If you aren't old enough to know about Ask Jeeves, kindly stay out of my DMs.
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Sometimes it is just easier to say you are fine when in fact you are anything but.
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When you tell the kids "if we run out of something, please put it on the fridge so we dont forget to buy it" and they take what you said literally 🙄
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There are two reasons why I don't trust people:
1. I don't know them
2. I know them.
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I think I'm allergic to alcohol.
When I drink it I get hot, then my clothes fall off!
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Twitter is where you can feel both the most and least wanted simultaneously.
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If you didn't watch the original Ghostbusters on video, you're too young for my DMs.
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If my son doesn't stop reading over my shoulder while I'm tweeting, he's gonna accidentally discover he was adopted.
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@MastersRex
Looks familiar.
When you tell the kids "if we run out of something, please put it on the fridge so we dont forget to buy it" and they take what you said literally 🙄
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If I wanted to be ignored, I'd go hang out with my husband.
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year...
It looks like I'm in for a wild December!
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I am extremely talented at squirting...
... ketchup all over my fries
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Less hate, more boobs 2021
@BoredomDidIt
@TheWinegasm
@_Jizzabelle
@unmehlievable
@ShittySuze
@Cerra__
@BeckQuerels
@whiskey_dreams_
@aimessweethrt
@FirecrackerKatt
@Feisty_Ginger_6
@_salt_n_lime
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If we don't click, we don't click. You can't force chemistry.
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Michael Keaton was the best Batman.
If you disagree, state your case.
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Nothing brings a family together like switching off the WiFi.
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Marriage has taught me that honesty is NOT the best policy.
Life insurance is.
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When I set my clocks forward this weekend, I'm setting them to December 31.
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Sorry son, we can't go to the park today...
Why?
Because I hate other people's kids.
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Someone just rated me an 8.5 out of 10. Do I fuck him, or block him?
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I wonder what it feels like to be a priority in someone's life?
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I wish my kids went to bed earlier so I could watch porn at a decent hour.
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If you find something funny on Facebook, it was probably posted on Twitter first.
It's science.
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If your husband won't do what you asked him to do the first time, sigh louder.
Follow me for more great marriage tips.
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I'm just a girl
Standing in front of a microwave
Hoping that the reheated food is hotter than the bowl that contains it
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I'm not here for the dad jokes.
I'm here for the dad bods.
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Just when I thought I had already hit rock bottom, I discovered it has a basement.
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Writing sexually suggestive tweets does not give anyone the right to violate my DMs with their penis.
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No thanks, I don't want to ride or die. I just want garlic bread.
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I have high standards, but my morals are questionable...
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Tired of being everything to everyone. Now I'm going to try being nothing to no one.
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If you don't appreciate inappropriately timed sexual innuendo, we can't be friends.
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I'm not going to beg for your attention. If you don't want to give it, I'll find it elsewhere.
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You aren't good looking enough to treat women so badly.
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If hearing your voice doesn't turn me on, you're not the one for me.
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I have met some of the best people on Twitter in DM rooms.
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Sometimes I find a random screw lying around in my house and I just assume it's from my life falling apart...
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Drunk me: DRINKS FOR EVERYONE!
Sober me: $5 shipping? I think the fuck not...
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Moist people on Twitter aren't bothered by the occasional typo...
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Share your age and something you should be able to do, but can't.
I'm 42 and can't parallel park.
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My phone just changed "everyone does" to "everyone dies" and now I'm worried my phone will murder me in my sleep.
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Three fingers is an ideal number
~ bowling balls, probably.
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You don't need to tell me that you don't care. Your actions scream it.
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I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I wear it on my timeline.
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I'm sorry that covid test is the most action the back of your throat has got lately.
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I want you to be the reason I am too afraid to open my DMs in public 😉
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Adulthood is absolutely the worst hood I've ever lived in.
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"Not trying to be a dick, but..."
~ people who are definitely going to be a dick
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My husband choked on his viagra last night.
He went to bed with a stiff neck.
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