Pinot Evil ☕️🌷
@TheWinegasm
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43,869
Following
9,288
Media
3,128
Statuses
163,248
I’m just here for the fuckery. W⚓️
Nunya bidniss
Joined June 2015
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Pinned Tweet
Hey boy,
I love that perineum…
is that goochi?
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I have just come out of an MRI. I’ve been told my suspected tumour is not a tumour and that I’m going to be okay. Tears of joy are best tears ❤️
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5K
I tried to pull a tick off my husky, turns out it was a nipple and now she has trust issues.
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I just pulled a muscle putting on a sports bra. Fitness is my passion.
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Erectile dysfunction slogan:
Just take the pills... it’s not that hard.
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I used to love it when my husband would tell me to go fuck myself.
It was the best sex I ever had.
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I slept in a tank top and found one boob in my pocket and the other giving a peace sign.
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Hey America.
Have you tried turning your country off and on again?
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I witnessed over 200 congratulations messages... to a 23 year old girl ... that had an entire penis in her asshole today.
Believe in yourself kids...
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You ever just meet someone and you know from that very first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them?
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I'm so pale... I don't send nudes, I send transparencies
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I got the job. A real one. With a salary and errethang. Woooop!
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A blowjob and a high-five.
~ Father’s Day on a budget
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In the last 18 months my husband walked out, I’m now finalizing a hideous divorce, my father died, I changed jobs and I’m about to move house.
For my next trick I’m going to become an air traffic controller or some shit.
Thank you Twitter for all your support.
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Nobody parties harder than a mom with a no kids weekend. Nobody.
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This time last year, we were killing people for toilet paper.
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How about you slip into something more comfortable?
Like me...
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Husband: I must have given you at least 8 orgasms!
Me: Nein...
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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My ex took all the desserts in the divorce. Sole custardy.
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them...
He brews.
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Facebook: helicopter parents
Twitter: helicopter penises
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Are you going to eat that?
*points to your girlfriend
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I just ate a whole box of chicken nuggets for lunch, but I also shaved my legs and armpits today so I’m still a sex goddess, or something.
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I’m somewhere in between my sexual prime and a midlife crisis.
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It’s the 2 year anniversary of my dad’s death today. It’s still too painful to even look at photographs of him.
Miss you so much my dad.
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I’m 40 and starting in a brand new industry. It’s exciting and terrifying.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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Big up to the squirters...
I think it's awesome that you can waterboard your lovers.
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My kid just called Nirvana “classic rock” and I am losing my mind.
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I called my wiener dog Dildo Baggins... I’m not even sorry.
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Twitter... where nobody is having sex, but everybody is apparently great at it.
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I’m by the far the sexiest arthritis sufferer in this office full of millennials
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A lot are asking me why am I haven’t married again, and I have taken to answering this annoying question with “just lucky I guess".
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My grandmother is 97…
She went to Greece once.
Bought a couple ashtrays.
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When you need to do a spot of gardening at seven but be on the pole by eight...
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My super power is choosing the most defective shopping cart at the store. EVERY. TIME.
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I have a pornographic memory
Wait that's not it...
Actually yes, yes it is ...
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I will be officially divorced on 23 October...
MARK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING DIARIES!
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I’m going to divorce court tomorrow, everyone around me keeps getting this sad look in their eyes and apologizes about my situation when they see me...
DO THEY NOT KNOW THAT THIS WILL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!
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13 years ago today, at the age of 27, I had a heart attack. I had a clot in my coronary artery causing myocardial infarction. The blood clot was a side effect of the birth control pill.
Read the small print and recognize the symptoms ladies, it could save your life.
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I bought my husband a get better soon card.... It was for his sexual performance. Obviously.
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If the future is female, the future better have pockets.
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If she pours herself into a little black dress for you... best you be thirsty.
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Brave is the bullied boy who goes to school every single day with a smile on his face.
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