Town Guard
@GuardPosting
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Following
134
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2,307
I guard the town. No, you cannot see the king. No, those rocks are not gold. Yes, I can hear you casting your dumb spells.
Town Gate
Joined August 2023
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Send us removal request.
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Wizards; why towers?
Why not a nice wizard's manor? A wizard's cottage?
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If thy "thousand-year-old dragon companion" takes on the form of a mere child with horns, I am taking thee in for questioning.
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"I want to talk to your supervisor"
Don't have one ma'am
"I want to speak to the captain of the town watch!"
We don't have one of those ma'am
"Then who is thy lord! I shall speak to him."
Good luck getting an audience with the king.
All this over a gate.
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Please skate not upon the ice of the moat. We know not how thick it is.
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30 something
Happily married
Chain male
Mildly successful
Passionately Pro-King
Do you find this attractive?
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Single.
Alpha Male.
Wildly Successful.
Passionately pro-Trump.
Do you find this attractive?
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This portrays how thee hounds act starved whenst thou fed them naught but an hour ago.
this 15th century drawing of a greyhound is an undisputed masterclass in stylisation. like no notes!!!!!!
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What odd forms and odd clothes.
A traveling witch hath asked if I wish to see visions of mineself from realms beyond.
Haha, I would never!
Unless?
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Pray tell, what if thou were on a 20 hour ferry trip to Tantras. Where wouldst thou sit?
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"Sir, if I stab this hay with my sword, will it bleed or leak?"
"Nay, sir. It is naught but hay."
"I shall check then."
"Nay! Thou willst damage my hay!"
Jesters 🤡
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Oh that be- that be not fighting.
The birds art engaged in a melee! A most deadly grapple has ensued after much squawking, peacocking, and maneuvers!
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Name: Town Guard
Height: 6'
Star sign: The Atronoch
Nickname/s: TG, Ser Guard
Age: Thirty-odd?
Siblings: Nay
Relationship status: yes (wedded)
Crushing on: the Missus
Pets: the Missus' cat
Fav season: Mid-Spring
Fav color: Walnut
Name: Evil High Lich King
Height: 5'9
Star sign: 🥱
Nickname/s: Evil, High, Lich, King
Age: eighteen
Siblings: three
Relationship status: yes (boylove)
Crushing on: him
Pets: two hounds of hell
Fav season: summer
Fav color: khaki
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Many new faces these last few days passed. Welcome unto the town, no swimming in the moat.
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Gate left open.
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Bandits will shout "You never should have come here!" before flashing a dagger made entirely out of rust and armor made of untanned hide.
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Thou art telling me Balduran built that gate?
The sailor???
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I hear they're reforming the Dawn Guard. Vampire hunters, or something, in an old fort near town.
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Under no circumstances is "I'll gag on your lolly" an appropriate response to the watch questioning you.
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This probably be time to remind everyone that a tomb is not a "dungeon".
Thou art graverobbing, not adventuring. It does not need to be explored. By merit of it being built, someone hath explored it before.
You will be prosecuted if thou art caught looting the dead.
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Guarding still beats tilling
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The southern gates will be closing at five bells. If thou art located outside the city, come inside immediately or seek alternative shelter. The undead and their thralls roam the lands in chittering packs and the guard hath been marshalled to act as if it is to be a siege.
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Why doth the druids and thieves get their own secret language? I wish for a secret language too.
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The youth talk about "slime maidens", and "short stacked goblins". They weigh the merits of each in the scales of their minds. Like scholars comparing the virtues of flowers.
Virgins, the lot of them.
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Gyatt this, gyatt that.
Why doth ye not "gyatt" an honest days wage?
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"Till death do we part" be an odd phrase, considering the Missus' can cast revivify.
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I accidentally let slip my opinion on swords at the Smith's guild. They hath gathered like a forum of antiquity and begun arguing the virtues of various blades.
I came here for horseshoes.
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Magic duels should take place outside the city walls.
I know thou art built different, but consider where the fireball will go if thou misses thy opponent.
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"Amethyst this, rose quartz that"
As far as I be concerned the only truly magic crystal be salt.
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High Elf?
With the amount of moon weed they have, I'd say aye, they are.
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Can we all agree, please?
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Is your child WARDing?
W - Wandering out under the full moon?
A - Artifacts going missing in your home?
R - Reading skin-bound tomes?
D - Defying the natural sciences by bringing forth the arcane from realms beyond?
It's time to talk to your child/apprentice about safe magic.
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I am not a man who knows many bards, but I do appreciate the works of Kitsune Miku.
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I see many adventurers come and go riding on horseback, but seldom any fight while mounted. Adventurers, why? Thou surely knowest how a lance works, correct?
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Whenever some merchant beguiles his tongue to say "sire", and "mi'lord" at the gate, thou knowest he is smuggling.
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If anyone has misplaced a horde of about three-hundred odd reanimated skeletons, they currently stuck in the as-of-yet unfilled moat and thus hindering progress. They have just laid down and given up trying to get out. You don't have to claim them, but they can't stay there.
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"I am going to strike them with mine mace non-lethally" - words of the utterly deranged.
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Witches does witchery, wizards do wizardry, alchemists do alchemy, sorcerers do sorcery. Pray tell, what doth the mage do?
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I keep finding these in traveler's baggages.
I think it's an advertisement for palm readers?
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After much petitioning from envoys from the local vampiric community, the Town Watch will no longer be shouting "Then Pay With Your Blood" when apprehending criminals, as the phrase can be offense to the neighboring aristocracy.
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Take Notice: there be a gibbering, animate mass of limbs and flesh currently near the town square. It he preaching the rise of the Eldritch Moon. The town guard recommends thou findest a different route home and to ignore its instructions to stare at the moon.
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⚠️‼️WARNING‼️⚠️
This account 👤 is NOT ❌ for knaves. This be NOT ❌ sanctuary for the following people:
•Transphobes 🏳️⚧️🚫
•Racists👹🤜🏼🧝
•Sexists 👨🏼🤜🏼👩🏼
•Bandits 🥷⚔️
•Lollygaggers 👦🍭
If ye🫵 are a part of one of these guilds, MOVE ALONG THOU ART BLOCKING TRAFFIC ❗️
⚠️‼️WARNING‼️⚠️
This account 👤 is NOT ❌ for babies. This is NOT ❌ a safe space for the following people:
•Transphobes 🏳️⚧️🚫
•Racists👨🏼🤜🏼👨🏿
•Sexists 👨🏼🤜🏼👩🏼
•Bloons 🎈🎈
•Mortar monkey users 🐒🪖💣
If you 🫵 are a part of one of these communities, GET OFF MY PAGE ❗️
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Some man-at-arms made an even longer spear he hath called the "pyke". I think it shan't catch on, too unwieldy.
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"slay queen"?
That's regicide, I'm afraid.
Also I'm not sure if we have a queen?
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"It is a double-edged sword" the scholars say.
Aye? Most are this day and age?
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If thou hast a large, ominous, black obelisk floating just outside the city, we're going to have to ask you to move it. The field it lingers over is set to be sown this week.
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Hast thou (or thy Patron) lost an Imp familiar? The Town Watch is currently looking after him at the watch barracks. Please come and reclaim thy lost companion with haste as he is quite anxious to be reunited.
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If I catch thee as invisible to the eye, I presume thou art up to no good.
Apparently, though, this assumption be wrong and some of thee are just very shy. My apologies.
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Fie, too many tell me their codpiece is in their bio. I care not.
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Even the smallest citizens can make the biggest difference - ! Report any suspicious activity to the Town Guard.
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"I hath been reincarnated from another world to..."
It be a true shame, thou shouldst have been reincarnated into a world where I cared.
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There hath been some manner of confusion on the most recent census, pray, allow me to illuminate thee:
"Mer-Folk" refers to elvish travelers from Tamriel.
"Merfolk" refers to aquatic persons with a fish-like tail or lower appendage.
Hope this helps!
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The archmage's council hath released the five leading causes of death for wizards:
1. Hubris
2. Self-immolation of Robes
3. Consumption of Vial of Acid
4. Self-Transmutation into Gold
5. Glimpsing the Void
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By the stars! By the tapestry! The king has asked of me any reward for my service during the siege and has granted my greatest desire! I cannot believe he has dispatched me to begin it! -- We're getting a MOAT!
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It's definitely spring. There's tabaxi fur all over the tavern.
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The Missus be a paladin of the Morning Sun, yet I am hoping her goddess could mayhaps be a little less radiant today. I've sweat every tabbard and tunic I have.
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The Missus be upset because her cat hath begun to prefer mine company.
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Wizards, didst thou name thyself or did thy mother?
I cannot imagine having a child and naming unto them "Venomthrax" or "Glycon", or "Rasmodeous".
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As many of thou knowst, there will be a conjunction of heavenly bodies in the sky this day.
PANIC NOT: Scholars agree this is merely the movement of far-away objects, and not the final joust between day and night that beckons the coming end.
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I enjoy how tenderly the king holds the hand of his jester as they stroll through royal garden. What a deep friendship.
Royal guard could not muster enough men out of their hangovers, so I be guarding the king's court today.
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Some jester ran up to me in a panic, saying he knewest where dead bodies lay buried. I got together some of the watch and followed him.
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Taking roll: who hath we mustered as 'the forces of goode' (and hath we decided on a name or be that workshopped?)
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Wizards and scholars, I ask of thee this: what doth it mean to "like feet"? Nobody will tell me, and everybody changes the subject. Surely, others measure in feet as well?
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Whichever sculptor be putting up statues along the road of screaming wayfarers, we ask thee to quit. It is scaring many who travel upon that road.
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Thou art telling me he hath a knight named "Lance-a-lot"? What next, an archer named "knocks-all-day"?
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I hath seen travelers from far-off lands with money made of paper. Paper! Not gold, nor silver, nor iron, but simple inked paper! How could such a thing be? How doth it survive if thou art in a rain storm?
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"Be this moonleaf yours?"
"Nay, mi'lord, I held it for mine kith"
"Oh, so thou be a smuggler, bringing it into the city?"
"Mercy, my lord! It is mine moonleaf, please label me not."
"Moonleaf is legal here so have a good day."
Gotta keep the youth on their toes.
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The Town Watch is aware of the ominous chanting of a dark ritual in a far off land. The King wishes all to know: "Their harmony is middling at best, and they can't seem to keep a rhythm for more than a few beats" and thus deemed not a threat.
The chant's power nears its climax...
Join the ritual and bring about the next age!!!
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Sometimes I think the thieves' guild be just a plot by the locksmith's guild to sell more locks.
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Alas, there will likely never be a face reveal as you see mine face every time thou walks through the gate.
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Thank ye all who keep my shifts of interest. Thou art the root of mine own heart.
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Did you lose a dagger? Town watch found it and are looking for the owner.
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As a reminder for the magically inclined: at this time, please suspend all magic use until the heavens are no longer in congress.
We do not wish to puncture more wounds in the veil between worlds.
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All the rage this day is "lists", yet when people found out there were on "The Watch List" they all seemed quite upset.
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Obviously if thou hast a soulgem with the soul of a mortal man inside: AYE, we are going to confiscate it.
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TAKE NOTICE:
The Town Guard is currently aware that a throng of folk are dancing in the middle of town, nearest the fountain. They hath been going for hours, despite the lack of music, and appear unable to stop.
I ask thee to avoid the area until such a curse is lifted.
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I hath seen the breadth of infinity.
Most art the ravings of a madman. The "Book of infinite plains"? Clearly, there be more types of lands than just plains.
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It appears one-thousand followers of the Town Watch hath appeared. As promised, I shall post a sketch of my lovely other half.
Once I find out where I set it down
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I feel monks of this age are more well-kept of body than of spirit. Aye, they can throw a mighty punch and brim with the vitality of their discipline, but not a single one seems to offer confession or alms anymore. When I was young, they were more scholar than soldier.
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One of the students went missing after being used as an example for the banishing spell. It was a terrible way to discover he was not native to the material plane of which he had lived since a wee babe.
what was “the incident” at your mages guild?
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I'm a guard.
I'm anti-lolly-gaggin'.
I shalt fight anyone obstructing traffic.
Thou should be doing the same.
I'm a warrior.
I'm anti-peace.
I will be fighting AGAINST EVERYONE.
You should be doing the same.
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Many oft ask me what my class is - yet, I am not a teacher nor orator? Art they daft?
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Just between you and I, I think the royal guards are pricks. All the budget and none of the duty.
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Ladies and gentlemen, kith and kin: I am delighted to announce the opening of the city's moat! With bridges kindly donated by local guilds.
Remember, thy moat is a defensive work and not a leisure, so no swimming in it!
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By order of his majesty, the King: Wishing for gold will now be considered a form of taxable income. All riches gained by genie, djinn, ancient maze, or starstone, must be declared; else such gains face fines or forfeiture.
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Should we allow swimming in the town moat? (The sewage flows out the unto it)
Aye
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Nay
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I be at court today, and an orator of the Wizard's Council is arguing that resurrection magic is "indistinguishable from higher forms of necromancy". I cannot tell if he is pro-necromancy or anti-resurrection?
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Some knights hath been petitioning the king to confiscate the Town Watch's breastplates because "plated armor be the privilege of the highborn", and that "low men-at-arms impede chivalric combat".
Bastards, all of em.
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I oft tell adventurers to seek out the "cave of goons" when I am randomly asked for quests. Usually they will hunt some bandit encampment, and the town will be better for it. Else, they will waste their entire day out of town, and the town will be better for it.
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I take my marital duties as seriously as my duty to the watch. If the Missus hath had a bad day and wishes for I to quietly sit with her in the garden and drink tea, thou best believe I will move heaven for a cup.
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Several of the more enamoured youths hath called me 'thee GOAT', and yet, I am clearly a man. Doth they think I'm a satyr beneath this gambeson?
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If thou killst four-tens of slimes, I'll give thee a copper piece.
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