Town Guard
@GuardPosting
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I guard the town. No, you cannot see the king. No, those rocks are not gold. Yes, I can hear you casting your dumb spells.
Town Gate
Joined August 2023
@DevotionOath Ah. Aye. Backshot, that be when you fill a catapult with many small stones, not one large one?.
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Wizards; why towers?. Why not a nice wizard's manor? A wizard's cottage?.
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If thy "thousand-year-old dragon companion" takes on the form of a mere child with horns, I am taking thee in for questioning.
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"I want to talk to your supervisor".Don't have one ma'am."I want to speak to the captain of the town watch!".We don't have one of those ma'am."Then who is thy lord! I shall speak to him.".Good luck getting an audience with the king. All this over a gate.
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Didst thou lose this rock?.Please collect it with haste. We want it not.
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。. ｏ. ○.╭◜◝ ͡ ◜ ͡ ╮ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝╮.( Walls ) ( Billhook ).╰◟◞ ͜ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝ ͡ ╮◞◟◞ ╯. ( Moats ). ╰◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ╯.
。. ｏ. ○.╭◜◝ ͡ ◜ ͡ ╮ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝╮.( ) ( ).╰◟◞ ͜ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝ ͡ ╮◞◟◞ ╯. ( wandjob ). ╰◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ╯.
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WE'RE GETTING CHAINMAIL!!!!!.
The fortune teller said: "expect an unexpected but not unwelcome change. Something new in thy daily life.".
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Aye, it is a nice sword. Aye, I am sure it is magical. Wow, thou hast even named it. Nay, I hath never seen another like it. Now please, move along.
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Please skate not upon the ice of the moat. We know not how thick it is.
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30 something.Happily married.Chain male.Mildly successful.Passionately Pro-King. Do you find this attractive?
18. Single. Alpha Male. Wildly Successful. Passionately pro-Trump. Do you find this attractive?
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This portrays how thee hounds act starved whenst thou fed them naught but an hour ago.
this 15th century drawing of a greyhound is an undisputed masterclass in stylisation. like no notes!!!!!!
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What odd forms and odd clothes.
A traveling witch hath asked if I wish to see visions of mineself from realms beyond. Haha, I would never!. Unless?.
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In news unrelated, free compost will be arriving at nearby farms in the near future.
I AM DECLARING WAR ON THE EMPIRE. FREE LAND TO ALL WHO AID ME IN THIS ENDEAVOR. GET TO RAISING YOUR ARMIES. LET US SIEGE THEIR HOMES AND TAKE THE WORLD AS OUR OWN
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Pray tell, what if thou were on a 20 hour ferry trip to Tantras. Where wouldst thou sit?
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"Sir, if I stab this hay with my sword, will it bleed or leak?"."Nay, sir. It is naught but hay."."I shall check then."."Nay! Thou willst damage my hay!". Jesters 🤡.
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Oh that be- that be not fighting.
The birds art engaged in a melee! A most deadly grapple has ensued after much squawking, peacocking, and maneuvers!.
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Name: Town Guard.Height: 6'.Star sign: The Atronoch.Nickname/s: TG, Ser Guard.Age: Thirty-odd?.Siblings: Nay.Relationship status: yes (wedded).Crushing on: the Missus.Pets: the Missus' cat .Fav season: Mid-Spring.Fav color: Walnut.
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Many new faces these last few days passed. Welcome unto the town, no swimming in the moat.
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Gate left open.
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I loathe the nobility for many reasons, but especially when they assume that they art in command of me. "Sirrah Guardsman, fetch the Lord provisions for his trip!". Like, nay? I be not a porter. And I be not your porter.
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Bandits will shout "You never should have come here!" before flashing a dagger made entirely out of rust and armor made of untanned hide.
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Thou art telling me Balduran built that gate?. The sailor???.
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I hear they're reforming the Dawn Guard. Vampire hunters, or something, in an old fort near town.
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I'll naught die by thrust of blade or cut of axe. I shalt drown by the paperwork that fills mine station.
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Under no circumstances is "I'll gag on your lolly" an appropriate response to the watch questioning you.
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This probably be time to remind everyone that a tomb is not a "dungeon". Thou art graverobbing, not adventuring. It does not need to be explored. By merit of it being built, someone hath explored it before. You will be prosecuted if thou art caught looting the dead.
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Guarding still beats tilling
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Are dragons warm-blooded or cold-blooded? The wyrms keep insisting to let them inside as winter approaches.
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The southern gates will be closing at five bells. If thou art located outside the city, come inside immediately or seek alternative shelter. The undead and their thralls roam the lands in chittering packs and the guard hath been marshalled to act as if it is to be a siege.
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I guarda da town.
I preacha da word.
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There only be two types of wizards:."I study the stars!" Wizards, and "I study what is beyond the stars!" Wizards. Choose wisely.
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Why doth the druids and thieves get their own secret language? I wish for a secret language too.
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The youth talk about "slime maidens", and "short stacked goblins". They weigh the merits of each in the scales of their minds. Like scholars comparing the virtues of flowers. Virgins, the lot of them.
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I heard some alchemist turned pumpkin into a spice. What strange times we live in.
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As many of thou has heard, aye the rumor be true. This evening, at about nine bells, his Majesty, the King was pulled over for driving the royal mount while intoxicated. The mount, too, was intoxicated. Updates to follow, as we are unsure how to proceed.
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Gyatt this, gyatt that. Why doth ye not "gyatt" an honest days wage?.
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"Till death do we part" be an odd phrase, considering the Missus' can cast revivify.
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I accidentally let slip my opinion on swords at the Smith's guild. They hath gathered like a forum of antiquity and begun arguing the virtues of various blades. I came here for horseshoes.
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"Amethyst this, rose quartz that".As far as I be concerned the only truly magic crystal be salt.
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Magic duels should take place outside the city walls. I know thou art built different, but consider where the fireball will go if thou misses thy opponent.
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As the harvest festival begins once again, .remember:.- The biggest onion contest does forbids enchanted vegetables. - Any scarecrows made animate must not be given knowledge of their impending dispel. - There be dragons this year.
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High Elf?.With the amount of moon weed they have, I'd say aye, they are.
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Can we all agree, please?
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Is your child WARDing?. W - Wandering out under the full moon?.A - Artifacts going missing in your home?.R - Reading skin-bound tomes?.D - Defying the natural sciences by bringing forth the arcane from realms beyond?. It's time to talk to your child/apprentice about safe magic.
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I oversaw the Missus training church acolytes this morn. She instructed them that, when faced with an armored opponent, that bone is weaker than metal. Thus, they should twist necks or joints until they snap. Gladdened, I am, that she is on the side of goode and not otherwise.
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I am not a man who knows many bards, but I do appreciate the works of Kitsune Miku.
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Whenever some merchant beguiles his tongue to say "sire", and "mi'lord" at the gate, thou knowest he is smuggling.
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If anyone has misplaced a horde of about three-hundred odd reanimated skeletons, they currently stuck in the as-of-yet unfilled moat and thus hindering progress. They have just laid down and given up trying to get out. You don't have to claim them, but they can't stay there.
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I see many adventurers come and go riding on horseback, but seldom any fight while mounted. Adventurers, why? Thou surely knowest how a lance works, correct?.
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"I am going to strike them with mine mace non-lethally" - words of the utterly deranged.
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Mine likeness, made into a trinket for merchants?
Finally got around to making my additions: behold, Bimble in HD! Bimble has immense gratitude to Sylvia for helping him resurrect the heroforge figure in his pfp that he stupidly deleted a long time ago on accident!!!!
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Witches does witchery, wizards do wizardry, alchemists do alchemy, sorcerers do sorcery. Pray tell, what doth the mage do?.
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"Halt! State ye business" be not an invitation to pitch thy trade to me.
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⚠️‼️WARNING‼️⚠️. This account 👤 is NOT ❌ for knaves. This be NOT ❌ sanctuary for the following people:. •Transphobes 🏳️⚧️🚫.•Racists👹🤜🏼🧝.•Sexists 👨🏼🤜🏼👩🏼.•Bandits 🥷⚔️.•Lollygaggers 👦🍭. If ye🫵 are a part of one of these guilds, MOVE ALONG THOU ART BLOCKING TRAFFIC ❗️.
⚠️‼️WARNING‼️⚠️. This account 👤 is NOT ❌ for babies. This is NOT ❌ a safe space for the following people:. •Transphobes 🏳️⚧️🚫.•Racists👨🏼🤜🏼👨🏿.•Sexists 👨🏼🤜🏼👩🏼.•Bloons 🎈🎈.•Mortar monkey users 🐒🪖💣. If you 🫵 are a part of one of these communities, GET OFF MY PAGE ❗️.
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Take Notice: there be a gibbering, animate mass of limbs and flesh currently near the town square. It he preaching the rise of the Eldritch Moon. The town guard recommends thou findest a different route home and to ignore its instructions to stare at the moon.
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Some man-at-arms made an even longer spear he hath called the "pyke". I think it shan't catch on, too unwieldy.
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Heed this warning and heed it well; . I hath supped of the "Greate-Value" soup of Wal's Mart, and it hath poisoned me. Though the value was great, the danger was greater. I shalt be recovering my constitution by bed rest for the next days.
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I keep finding these in traveler's baggages. I think it's an advertisement for palm readers?
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Tabaxi, Khajiit, Kitsune, and other folk take notice:.It is that season again. Fleas and Lice are being spotted more oft on travelers. Such nits are known to produce miasma and disrupt the humors. His majesty art offering free hot oil baths and lice combs at all public baths.
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"It is a double-edged sword" the scholars say. Aye? Most are this day and age?.
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After much petitioning from envoys from the local vampiric community, the Town Watch will no longer be shouting "Then Pay With Your Blood" when apprehending criminals, as the phrase can be offense to the neighboring aristocracy.
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"slay queen"?.That's regicide, I'm afraid. Also I'm not sure if we have a queen?.
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If thou hast a large, ominous, black obelisk floating just outside the city, we're going to have to ask you to move it. The field it lingers over is set to be sown this week.
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As many of thou hath seen, a section of forest outside the walls of the city hath uprooted and taken stride to migrate. The town watch doth not know why, and won't be asking as long as it remains outside the city.
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Hast thou (or thy Patron) lost an Imp familiar? The Town Watch is currently looking after him at the watch barracks. Please come and reclaim thy lost companion with haste as he is quite anxious to be reunited.
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If I catch thee as invisible to the eye, I presume thou art up to no good. Apparently, though, this assumption be wrong and some of thee are just very shy. My apologies.
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Fie, too many tell me their codpiece is in their bio. I care not.
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There hath been some manner of confusion on the most recent census, pray, allow me to illuminate thee:. "Mer-Folk" refers to elvish travelers from Tamriel. "Merfolk" refers to aquatic persons with a fish-like tail or lower appendage. Hope this helps!.
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The archmage's council hath released the five leading causes of death for wizards:.1. Hubris.2. Self-immolation of Robes .3. Consumption of Vial of Acid.4. Self-Transmutation into Gold .5. Glimpsing the Void.
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It's definitely spring. There's tabaxi fur all over the tavern.
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"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.". For thee to consider: a dragon, scorned.
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Even the smallest citizens can make the biggest difference - ! Report any suspicious activity to the Town Guard.
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"I hath been reincarnated from another world to. ".It be a true shame, thou shouldst have been reincarnated into a world where I cared.
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Wizards, didst thou name thyself or did thy mother?. I cannot imagine having a child and naming unto them "Venomthrax" or "Glycon", or "Rasmodeous".
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I enjoy how tenderly the king holds the hand of his jester as they stroll through royal garden. What a deep friendship.
Royal guard could not muster enough men out of their hangovers, so I be guarding the king's court today.
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By the stars! By the tapestry! The king has asked of me any reward for my service during the siege and has granted my greatest desire! I cannot believe he has dispatched me to begin it! -- We're getting a MOAT!.
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Taking roll: who hath we mustered as 'the forces of goode' (and hath we decided on a name or be that workshopped?).
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The Missus be upset because her cat hath begun to prefer mine company.
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The Missus be a paladin of the Morning Sun, yet I am hoping her goddess could mayhaps be a little less radiant today. I've sweat every tabbard and tunic I have.
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Some jester ran up to me in a panic, saying he knewest where dead bodies lay buried. I got together some of the watch and followed him.
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As many of thou knowst, there will be a conjunction of heavenly bodies in the sky this day. PANIC NOT: Scholars agree this is merely the movement of far-away objects, and not the final joust between day and night that beckons the coming end.
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NOTICE:.Do not flush alchemical reagents down common drains. The Town watch is currently aware one-third of the lead sewage pipes in town hath been turned into gold, a substantially frailer metal, and are now leaking into the local wells.
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Notice:.If thou hast made purchase of a "cloak of resisting fire" made of salamander fur, thou shouldst cease use of it and seek an apothecary immediately.
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Wizards and scholars, I ask of thee this: what doth it mean to "like feet"? Nobody will tell me, and everybody changes the subject. Surely, others measure in feet as well?.
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Whichever sculptor be putting up statues along the road of screaming wayfarers, we ask thee to quit. It is scaring many who travel upon that road.
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Thou art telling me he hath a knight named "Lance-a-lot"? What next, an archer named "knocks-all-day"?.
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I hath seen travelers from far-off lands with money made of paper. Paper! Not gold, nor silver, nor iron, but simple inked paper! How could such a thing be? How doth it survive if thou art in a rain storm?.
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"Be this moonleaf yours?"."Nay, mi'lord, I held it for mine kith"."Oh, so thou be a smuggler, bringing it into the city?"."Mercy, my lord! It is mine moonleaf, please label me not."."Moonleaf is legal here so have a good day.". Gotta keep the youth on their toes.
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The Town Watch is aware of the ominous chanting of a dark ritual in a far off land. The King wishes all to know: "Their harmony is middling at best, and they can't seem to keep a rhythm for more than a few beats" and thus deemed not a threat.
The chant's power nears its climax. Join the ritual and bring about the next age!!!.
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Sometimes I think the thieves' guild be just a plot by the locksmith's guild to sell more locks.
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