Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

@dadmann_walking Oh it’s the first thing that comes to mind when someone says “Taxi” to me

Friend: I really hate my new coworker Me: like, how much… on a scale from zero to Kendrick?

RT @neenertothe3: Noise cancelling headphones but for when the noises are coming from inside your head.

RT @sarcasticmommy4: If you're curious about marriage after 20 years, my husband just texted me from downstairs to tell me he sent me an em…

RT @BobGolen: People often try to correct my grammar, but I couldn't care fewer.

RT @cheygoulet: Іf you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

RT @Space_Bunzzz: Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of…

I have dogs instead of kids cause I like something I spend money on to be happy to see me when I walk in the door

RT @AbbyHasIssues: I would pay extra for a dental hygienist who was comfortable with silence.

RT @LoveNLunchmeat: I can calculate how many drinks my husband has had by how many times he tells me I'm pretty

RT @oneawkwardmom: You ever unclench and let your shoulders relax for a second and think ‘nah that doesn’t feel right.’

RT @BobGolen: All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority are just freelancing.

RT @RodLacroix: Bill Belichick’s girlfriend is only going to watch the first half of the Super Bowl because it’s a school night.

RT @HenpeckedHal: son: grandpa, can I have a sip of your coffee? grandpa: no, it’s not good for a kid son: because of the caffeine? gran…

RT @TheBoydP: Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I defrosted the frozen pizza before I put it in the oven.

20s: staying out late, risky relationships, traveling 40s: career, house, partner, couch 60s: handling dogs for agility at Westminster

RT @cheygoulet: A bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.

If it’s months before you watch a new show on Netflix because someone who never watches TV has asked you to wait for them, then marriage is for you

Jobs should have one of those loyalty punchcards like for every ten days you show up and you’re not an asshole you get the 11th day off