Henpecked Hal
@HenpeckedHal
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Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
Picking up toys
Joined August 2015
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Pinned Tweet
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I'm just playing Chumbawamba's 1997 hit "Tubthumping" over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it's going pretty well
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My 22 year old cousin met his dream girl at a bar and it's going pretty well
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare
- the bath was "too wet"
- he wanted syrup for breakfast...just syrup
- his sister "keeps looking at him"
- he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)
How about your kid?
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Last night, my 3 year old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me in closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.
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LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!!
My 22 year old cousin met his dream girl at a bar and it's going pretty well
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled "I'M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!", and carried it to the car. I've circled the block twice and my luggage hasn't stopped laughing.
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
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And yes, it's the same cousin
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it's going pretty well
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My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled "I'M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!", and carried it to the car. I've circled the block twice and my luggage hasn't stopped laughing.
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you're reading this, I can't replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk--still echoing in my soul--serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can't use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
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And for the people saying she's arrogant, high maintenance or whatever: these kids talked for an hour about a shared interest in true crime, mysteries, etc. My cousin bragged that he always solves the case before the show ends (editor's note: not this time). I think she's awesome
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I let the girl in front of me at the DMV use my phone to text her ride. I'll be crying in the shower if you guys need me.
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To anyone suggesting I'm endangering my son: I AM NOT! I'm endangering my daughter.
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2) For the people saying she's arrogant, high maintenance or whatever: these kids talked for an hour about a shared interest in true crime, mysteries, etc. My cousin bragged that he always solves the case before the show ends (editor's note: not this time). I think she's awesome.
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For the record, I crossed out that text because it was proof of their convo, but doxxing. PERVERTS.
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Lastly(?), to the internet sleuths who dug through area codes and exchanges, the programmers who sent scripts and code, the excel junkies who sent me docs to share with my cousin, y'all are wild. I couldn't come close to getting back to everyone, but I appreciate it. 🍻🍻🍻
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. "I want to fight a ghost," were his exact words.
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You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...
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I'm at a kindergarten Christmas party and when it was time for the white elephant gift exchange every single kid chose the present they brought and no one swapped. It's like they had it all planned from the beginning.
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waiter: "anything to drink?"
4 year old: "my mom needs a fucking margarita"
So, yeah, they're always listening.
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Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
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So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the fuck they want.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won't answer your texts
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Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
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Simple facts I'm terrified of my toddler discovering:
- public parks don't randomly close
- tv's don't run out of batteries
- there is no actual world record for "fastest at putting away toys"
- chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same
Got any to add?
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
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Coldest line ever delivered by a teacher: in 6th grade we learned about some d-list historical figure who died eating yogurt. The class delinquent interrupted, “I better not eat sorry ass yogurt for my last meal.” Mr. Davis replied, “don’t worry, they’re going to let you choose.”
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4) Lastly(?), to the internet sleuths who dug through area codes and exchanges, the programmers who sent scripts and code, the excel junkies who sent me docs to share with my cousin, y'all are wild. I couldn't come close to getting back to everyone, but I appreciate it. 🍻🍻🍻
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3) And for the record, I crossed out that text because it was proof of their convo, but doxxing. PERVERTS.
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Got a note from my daughter's kindergarten teacher that she has great manners. Got a note from my son's first grade teacher that he's requested to go by the name "Kaboom." Not sure which kid I'm more proud of.
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My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn't share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She'd learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. "WE did!" my daughter declared. She'd learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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For someone I've had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he's going to eat.
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what's a kerchief?
daughter: what's a clatter?
son: what's a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what's soot?
daughter: what's a peddler?
son: what's a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It's all fake. Goodnight.
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
- he invented the thumbs up
- only *some* lizards can read
- he forgot how to eat carrots
- his daycare allows swords
How about your kid?
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My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
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It dawned on me today that when my son wants to talk about Pokémon, he doesn't *really* want to talk about Pokémon. What he wants is to share his excitement and knowledge. What he wants is to bond with his dad. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.
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My kids were playing a story podcast on my phone and my son asked if I’d listened to that story when I was little. I reminded him that we didn’t have podcasts when I was a kid and he said, “oh, I know. I meant maybe someone told it around a campfire.”
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[throwing up after 10th margarita]
me: oh no I'm allergic to limes
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If you like my cousin, I'd like to introduce you to the rest of the fam:
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To those suggesting I'm going to "sell out" because I had a viral tweet, don't count on it. I'm the same guy I was a few days ago--an ordinary dad that enjoys watching sports and eating Corn Nuts©. Corn Nuts© are the perfect snack whether you're at home or on the go. Corn Nuts©.
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My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
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Last night my son asked if I'd ever heard of a pillow fight. I said I had not, so he explained the premise & asked if I would play. I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room. My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.
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My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.
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"Wow, Santa's almost as bad at wrapping presents as you are, daddy!" - my 6 year old daughter
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My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate."
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don't like carrots
me: I know
[how I've kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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My son got this balloon on Valentine's Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, "be patient, it will come down" but he didn't believe me. "If it comes down I get an iPad!" he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.
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wife: sorry, but the OBGYN said no sex for 6 weeks after childbirth
me: ok, what about--
wife: my dentist said 6 weeks too
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As we walked to the beach on our vacation, a random dad approached me with a boogie board. He was leaving today & just as he had been given the board by another dad on his way out he was giving it to me. He asked only that I keep the tradition alive when I leave. Surf’s up, dads.
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Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit
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[at the mall]
me: it's time you know the truth — Santa is fake
son: omg
me: yeah, he was talking mad shit about you behind your back
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Anyone else click the lock button on their car alarm an extra time to super-lock it or just me?
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My mom understands *how* to use apps, but she doesn't understand *when* to use them.
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My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, "Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room." My bad for not asking sooner.
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ME: *slides contract back* add another zero and you got yourself a deal
BOSS: $17,000
͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟+͟0͟
$17,000
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.
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Me: "As a single dad, I find that--"
Her: "Uhhh, we're married."
Me: "Right, but I'm the only dad."
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
- he couldn't wear waffles to daycare
- I beat him in a race
- he beat me in a race
- pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
- he wanted his boogers back
How about your kid?
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My 3 year old just came up and said, "everything's going to be ok, daddy." He doesn't read the news of course, but he knows something's wrong. I gave him the biggest hug ever & explained what's happening in detail. "We're fucked," he mumbled, as he dropped his teddy in the trash.
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it's called a biopsy
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My 3 year old is SCREAMING because a car just like my wife's passed us on the freeway and she wants to tell her hi. Did I mention that we just dropped my wife off at work? Did I mention that we are in my wife's car?
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I drove to a craft beer store during a long work call & while checking out I was asked a question. I unmuted and said "sorry, had to pick something up from the pharmacy." Unprompted, the cashier said, "any questions about your prescription?" This is the society I want to live in.
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You still here? Kill some time with these tweets--no math required!
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me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up
cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work
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Every invitation to a kid's birthday party should include a link to an Amazon gift registry with presents they actually want and a note stating if alcohol will be served.
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@KevinDArnold
She was jet lagged when we pulled into the driveway, but a quick nap will get her back on schedule.
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Am I the only person who heats food in the microwave for 22 seconds, 33 seconds, 44 seconds, etc because I'm too lazy to move my finger to another button, or are y'all just as pathetic as I am?
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I'm the only one in my family who likes mustard, so...
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I got my wife the two things she really wanted: some time alone, and knowing that I'm slightly miserable
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the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
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Told my nephew that we used to have to wait for Netflix in the mail, then we just sat there in silence as he processed things.
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Parents of toddlers, don't forget to set your lives back a month this weekend.
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*starts playing on phone during a show
*misses important scene
*rewinds way too far by mistake
*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene
*misses the scene again
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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son: I have to tell you two things about my pet lizard
me: you have a pet lizard?
son: right, and the second thing is that it's missing from my room
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
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