Abby Heugel
@AbbyHasIssues
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19,580
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522
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Statuses
10,093
Writer. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground.
Michigan
Joined July 2011
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Pinned Tweet
I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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In the past month Taylor Swift has continued a world tour, won her 14th Grammy, announced her 11th new album, and watched her boyfriend play in the Super Bowl and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past two weeks.
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to put away laundry” for the past five or six days.
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Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to vacuum" for the past two weeks.
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Oh, you don’t reuse plastic bags from the store as trash bags in your bathroom? Sorry, I didn’t realize I was dealing with royalty here.
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Meghan Markle is 37 and just found out she's carrying the baby of a prince.
I'm 37 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
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Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $10 spatula.
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Going to Trader Joe’s the week before Thanksgiving is like a suburban middle class Hunger Games.
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You're old. And you want lasagna.
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I don't require much to be happy. Six meals a day. Nine hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
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It doesn't take much to make me happy. Six meals a day. Ten hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.
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Kylie Jenner: 20 years old and worth $900 million.
Me: 36 years old and just rinsed out a Ziploc bag to reuse for the 900th time.
Guess we're both living the dream.
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My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
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Me at 17: I can't wait to see what amazing things are waiting for me as an adult!
Me at 37: Pretty excited about this new spatula.
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I feel like whoever named them Red Delicious apples has never actually eaten a delicious apple.
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Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I'm 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
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Please don’t ask me what “my passion” is. I'm an adult. I consider it a win if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite dish soap goes on sale.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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You're not truly an adult until you save an empty box "just because it's a really great box."
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Age 21: Stays out until 3 AM and gets up at 7 the next morning for work.
Age 37: Won't start a movie after 8 PM.
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I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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I think the most exciting thing about being an adult is never knowing what part of your body is going to hurt the next day.
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She died doing what she loved — bringing 157 grocery bags into the house from the car in one trip.
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I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water.
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Them: My goal is to finish two marathons this summer.
Me: My goal is to put away the laundry the same day that I wash it.
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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When I was a kid, we didn’t have “influencers". We watched a singing frog that dated a pig and a grouch that lived in a trashcan. It was a simpler time.
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Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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A woman climbed Mount Everest twice in 5 days and I just spent 5 minutes trying to grab the remote with my foot from my side of the couch.
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Welcome to adulthood, where youthful optimism is replaced by anger when the grocery store cashier bags your items out of the order you specifically put them on the belt.
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Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You're old. And you want lasagna.
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Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a holiday scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name-brand aluminum foil.
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Betty White is turning 99 this weekend and is still working.
I am 39 and just ate a banana because peeling an orange felt like too much work.
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I missed two of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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I may not have any Olympic medals, but I do have a favorite stovetop burner, crippling anxiety and a plastic bag filled with 103 other plastic bags.
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My body has less of a "fight or flight" response and more of an "eat and retreat" strategy.
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You're old. And you want ice cream.
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Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Friend’s holiday card: Jon got a promotion! I ran a marathon! Kids are on the honor roll!
Me: I finished a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time, so it was a pretty big year over here for me as well.
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Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite burner on the stove now.
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I don't subscribe to many magazines, but if they came out with "Good Enough Housekeeping," that's one I would read.
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My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to five minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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I never say never. Unless someone asks me when I want to go camping. Then the answer will always be “Never”.
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Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, a great social life, a retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite stovetop burner, crippling anxiety.
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Welcome to adulthood, where youthful optimism is replaced by anger when they rearrange your favorite grocery store.
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Everyone has their strengths. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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You're not truly an adult until you save an empty box "just because it's a really great box."
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I'm trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Martha Stewart is 82 years old and just wrote her 100th cookbook and I just ate a banana because I didn't want to cut up an apple.
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When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks where it matters.
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Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
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Me: I'm a strong and intelligent woman.
Also me: Wed-nes-day.
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1. Read directions on box.
2. Throw box away.
3. Pull box out of the trash 15 seconds later.
4. Repeat.
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6:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours!
6:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll just get ready for bed now.
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Age 17: I can't wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the "good" grocery store 15 miles away.
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No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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I don't like the person I become when the grocery store cashier bags my groceries out of the order that I put them on the belt.
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"Well-behaved women seldom make history," I quietly say as I don't wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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Adulthood is mostly Googling symptoms, clearing notifications, and hurrying to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Congrats high school grads! Look to your left, look to your right. These are the people you'll be avoiding on Facebook for the rest of your life.
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Me: I'm a strong and intelligent woman.
Also me: Wed-nes-day.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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Quit sighing, people behind me in line. If the cashier had handed me the bills facing the same direction, we wouldn't be in this situation.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.
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Going from Walmart to Target is like the scene in "The Wizard of Oz" when it switches from black and white to color.
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It doesn't matter if the answer to your problems wasn't at the bottom of that carton of ice cream.
The important thing is that you tried.
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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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Me: I'm a smart and intelligent woman.
Also me: Righty-tighty, lefty loosey.
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I don't like the person I become when they rearrange my grocery store.
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My personal style could best be described as, "I wasn't expecting to leave the house."
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The holidays are when I put on my expensive pants. Wait, that was a typo. “Expansive” pants. It's when I put on my expansive pants.
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Me as a kid: I can handle anything that comes my way!
Me as an adult: I hurt myself sneezing and they rearranged my grocery store. I don’t think I can go on.
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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Age 7: I hope Santa brings me a bike, toys, and candy!
Age 37: I new spatula would be great. Maybe some printer ink, or even an avocado or two.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Literally just high-fived myself for putting the clean laundry away the same day that it got washed.
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Age 17: I can't wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the "good" grocery store 10 miles away.
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No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don't need a 1,000 word dissertation about everything you've done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You're old. And you want lasagna.
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Meghan Markle is 37 and just delivered the baby of a prince.
I'm 37 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.
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Since I can’t be sure when the midpoint of my life really is, I just have my crisis on a daily basis to make sure that I never miss out.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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