In the past month Taylor Swift has continued a world tour, won her 14th Grammy, announced her 11th new album, and watched her boyfriend play in the Super Bowl and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past two weeks.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to put away laundry” for the past five or six days.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Meghan Markle is 37 and just found out she's carrying the baby of a prince.
I'm 37 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we're both living the dream.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $10 spatula.
It doesn't take much to make me happy. Six meals a day. Ten hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.
Kylie Jenner: 20 years old and worth $900 million.
Me: 36 years old and just rinsed out a Ziploc bag to reuse for the 900th time.
Guess we're both living the dream.
My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
Please don’t ask me what “my passion” is. I'm an adult. I consider it a win if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite dish soap goes on sale.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.
When I was a kid, we didn’t have “influencers". We watched a singing frog that dated a pig and a grouch that lived in a trashcan. It was a simpler time.
Welcome to adulthood, where youthful optimism is replaced by anger when the grocery store cashier bags your items out of the order you specifically put them on the belt.
Friend’s holiday card: Jon got a promotion! I ran a marathon! Kids are on the honor roll!
Me: I finished a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time, so it was a pretty big year over here for me as well.
My mom asked me if I had extra plastic bags, and as I dug into my plastic bag filled with 345 more plastic bags, I knew that this was my moment to shine.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to five minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, a great social life, a retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite stovetop burner, crippling anxiety.
Everyone has their strengths. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
6:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours!
6:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll just get ready for bed now.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.
Me as a kid: I can handle anything that comes my way!
Me as an adult: I hurt myself sneezing and they rearranged my grocery store. I don’t think I can go on.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Literally just high-fived myself for putting the clean laundry away the same day that it got washed.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don't need a 1,000 word dissertation about everything you've done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.