๐ผ๐๐ ๐พ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
@realQinHuangdi
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I am ไธญๅทฅๅ ไธๅปพๅทฅ ๅปพๅตไธนๅไธ 1st Emperor of the Middle Kingdom. Crazy Lich Asian. Very big deal! Pronouns: ๆ/้ไธ.
Imperial Necropolis, Xianyang
Joined October 2019
Touch grass. Now touch bronze. Now touch the altar. Now make the sacrifice. Now carve the sacred glyphs into the bone. Now heat the pyromancy rods.
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This is how we will rebuild society
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That's an E'Pang guarantee.
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We must bring Legalism back to Qin:.-No free time.-No weird spelling.-No schools of thought (except for Legalism and Daoism).-More children.-More armies.-Servile concubines and feminine men.-Pro-SHANG TIAN.-Pro-Walls.-No barbarians.-Pro-Immortality potions.
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ARE YOU AN INCEL IN THE THOUSAND BARBARIAN TRIBES OF SOUTHERN YUE (or do you know someone who is)?. THEN THE QIN IMPERIAL MINISTRY OF RITES WANTS ๐๐๐ FOR THE EUNUCH CORPS! (Many postings available, all surgeries final, contact your local circuit intendant for details)!.
Are you an incel in Singapore (or do you know of someone who is)? . I'm a journalist with The Straits Times working on a story about this online subculture, and I'd love to speak to you.
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Are you better off now than you were when I was emperor?. Our treasury is depleted. Our Great Wall has been overrun by Xiongnu. We're an empire in decline. Make the Wastelands CULTIVATED again. Make Mercury POTIONS again. Make Qin GREAT Again!.
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Preparing the Royal Corgis for their living interment within the central chamber of the Queen's necropolis, 40m beneath her massive earthen pyramid right on the outskirts of London:
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@XiranJayZhao @haolethefox As long as the wife continues to perform her state-mandated wifely duties to the plot, harvest, and population-replenishment. what does E'Pang care if she canoodles with a handmaiden while hubby's on border patrol?.
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Left:.Vulgar, Unfilial, Meretricious, Disdainful, A Shame Upon Your Ancestors. Right:.Dour, Proper, Serious, Morally Upright, Industrious, Ready To Report Your Family To The Proper Authorities If They Step Even One Single Toe Out Of Line.
Tang dynasty hanfu for Tang-dynasty inspired book. Qin dynasty hanfu for Qin-dynasty inspired book
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TRUTH. 1. Qin is real. 2. There are three genders. 3. Human flourishing requires great walls. 4. Barbarians are not people. 5. An open border is no border. 6. The State determines the education of children. 7. Legalism is the greatest form of governance known to mankind.
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lol, yes they were!.
Your ancestors were not evil.
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So proud of my youngest (not Huhai). He met a pretty girl we wanted for his harem, found out she was Confucian, did his homework, & took her out for millet with the sole purpose of sharing Legalism with her. Unfortunately, she rejected it (pray for her), so execution's @ dawn.๐ค
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Qin Wife:. > Legalist.> Agrarian.> only knows about ็ชs.> cares about what her inlaws tell her to think.> anyone can be ๅๅค, but *fuck* Xiongnu.> sex is her filial duty.> agriculturally-literate.> QinPilled as fuck, knows there's no saving Zhou system.> competent with dagger-axe
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I have recently authorized the creation of a Tortured Poets Department within my imperial government, because there is never a bad time to torture poets.
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WTF?! I didnโt conquer Seven ENTIRE warring states just to get gaslit by this Winnie the Pooh motherfucker.
Xi: "We Chinese are a people who uphold justice and are not intimidated by threats of force. As a nation we have a strong sense of pride and confidence. We Chinese people have never bullied or subjugated the people of any other countryโnot in the past, not now and we never will."
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reasons id be a great husband:.- 1.36ๆญฅ.- Legalist .- 2.3M km^2 empire owner.- homeschool a must.- always carrying sword .- required to have more kids.- genius intellect.- lung & liver date nights .- dictates funny edicts.- hyperliterate.- you have no option in this arrangement.
reasons id be a great husband:.- 5โ10โ.- gym 3x week.- Christian.- 6-figure business owner.- will homeschool.- funny.- will love you as a worm.- does not watch porn (3 yrs clean).- always carrying 1 firearm.- will retire you immediately.- excited to have kids.- romantic.- smart.-.
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In order to foster a more inclusive and welcoming workplace for everyone in Great Qin, this month has been re-classified as Mandatory Gay Month. All heterosexual activity is banned. State-issued butt-plugs will be inserted upon your next shifts. So be it enacted.
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A Man's room supposed to look like this.
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The Malaysian govt has asked me to give some pointers for when their police questions Ian Miles Cheong, so obviously I'm happy to offer some tips:
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Qin Shi Huang of China. Like we love the clothes man but not loving the vibes. He looks like he loves a good auld execution and a but too much. They gave him super evil lighting too wtf. 2/10
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There are over 20 million investors in Qin's crypto. Coin? What? no. No, those are still copper. I'm talking about the laborers digging my subterranean necropolis: my crypto. Join now!.
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@ColonelGazprom hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. oh wait, you're serious?. then let me laugh even harder!.
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The struggle is real.
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They want to take away my mercury, because I will never let them take away your mercury. It's very simple. In the end, they're not after me, they're after you. I just happen to be standing in the way, chugging down this delicious immortan juice, shiny and chrome.
mailingโฏmercuryโฏisโฏNOT brat.
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FTFY
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If you come to Great Qin illegally: . โก๏ธ We will put you to work building walls, canals, mausoleums; whatever we feel like, really. โก๏ธ Complimentary daily floggings. โก๏ธ You don't have any spurious human rights . โก๏ธ You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Who the fuck is this "Xi Grok" who keeps popping up, and what territory is he warlord of? If he's intending to raid along the border of Great Qin, he's soon feel my divine wrath!
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By age 30, you should have:. - Inherited a kingdom.- Forced your treacherous regent to drink poison.- Killed your mom's side-piece.- Survived at least one assassination attempt.- Conquered at least 2 neighboring states (including your homeland). What else?
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If I heard someone make jokes about my consorts, I would not publicly slap them. That would not be Just. Instead, I would simply castrate them, exterminate 9 degrees of their family, and then rip them apart with horses. #QinStrong.
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Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you donโt know about. Attack them. Now theyโre fighting two battles.
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Bro, same. NDAs are insufficient, though, Mark. Best to have all the designers and workers buried along with you. It's the only way to be sure.
Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly building a massive $100 million compound in Hawaii with an underground bunker, escape hatch, and a โblast-resistant door.โ. The 5,000-square-foot underground bunker will be self-sufficient with its own energy, food, and water supply, @WIRED reports.
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36 Shades of Besieging Wei
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Cartoon character?. This is my official portrait. I'd say that I'm sorry such lowly peasant stock as yourself can't afford such works, but. I'm just not.
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Pondering my immortality elixir.
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weather forecaster = real job.mega-architect = real job.civil engineer = real job.divine interlocutor = real job.practical alchemist = real job.literature quality control = real job. a sovereign who chooses to stay home and do these things ๆself (and much more) = tyrant.
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Qin, it never die.Eunuchs are my favorite guy.Life, I'm wanting more.Tell Zhao Gao "bring cinnabar"
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Merry Qinmas to all, including Crooked Liu Bang's ONLY HOPE, Dickless Sima Qian, the out of control Eunuch who just hired outside compilers from the SWAMP (unprecedented!), to help him with his poorly written FAKE ANNALS against "QIN" and "MQGA.".
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Quit referencing your fucking IQ score, you unfuckable dweeb.
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@MyFirstCousin Totally, dude. Nailed it. I famously united the, um, *Respectfully Debating States* with a huge policy of friendly afternoon tea-time summits. I then massively expanded the writ of my rule through careful diplomacy and consideration for the needs of others.
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Let it never be said that the rigorous enforcement of Legalism is not in accordance with the very fundaments of Nature itself! Behold:.
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Ten things other people like that I donโt:.1. Nonstandardized wheel gauges.2. Tardiness.3. Deer posing as horses.4. Confucianism.5. Illegible writing.6. Uncultivated wastelands.7. Inefficiency.8. Not living forever.9. Xiongnu.10. Guys pretending to be eunuchs to date my mom.
Ten things other people like but I donโt: .1) being perceived .2) olives .3) cucumbers/pickles .4) buffy the vampire slayer or any of joss whedon's work 5) the velvet underground .6) killjoy feminism .7) laura linney .8) cocaine .9) birds! i do not trust them.10) lenny bruce.
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Note: Xiran - though horridly a scribe - nevertheless remains a friend of the realm, and is they/them ;).
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Do not fear, mortals! It's just me in my xian-state, traversing the planar realms.
A mysterious โglowing objectโ was spotted flying over Beijing and other parts of China on Sunday evening.
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Mister Byron, Son of John - I come bearing good tidings in your quest!!. If immortality you seek, yes, your blood must be totally replacedโฆ BUT NOT WITH MORE BLOOD! NO!! Thatโs absurd!. You must replace your blood with FULMINATING MERCURY, John Brainson!! IMMORTALITY AWAITS!!.
I am no longer injecting my son's blood. I've upgraded to something else: total plasma exchange. Steps: .1. Take out all blood from body .2. Separate plasma from blood .3. Replace plasma with 5% albumin & IVIG. Here's my bag of plasma. Who wants it? .๐งต
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The limit does not exist. or so says my alchemist
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The barbarian "mind" cannot comprehend this
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8. Legalism lifts Qin up from poverty. 9. There are 6 ministries of the Qin government, not four. 10. The Mandate of Heaven is the strongest guarantor of social cohesion in history.
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Moment of truth: the best place to live is somewhere in here.
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they don't suspect a thing.
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Spoiler alert: the โpurest water in the worldโ is nothing less than high-grade elemental mercury.
Iโve tasted the purest water in the world, AMA. My mind is clearer, telomeres are shorter, body is primed to create more enterprise value than ever before
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I SOLEMNLY PLEDGE TO DO TRANSGENDER OPERATIONS TO ALL ILLEGAL ALIENS WHO ARE IN PRISON.
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Hi, I'm Zheng. A bit about me:.- Xianyang father of 50+.- I employ a team of 20M as a dynastic founder & CEO of Great Qin.- drive a used palanquin.- concubines work in Inner Court.- The financial future of my Empire, team & family are at risk w/ the Dazexiang rebellion (1/221).
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They were delicious. Like popcorn chicken.
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By Imperial Edict:. For sheer incompetence at his post, the Governor of Twitter is hereby to be subjected without delay to all 5 of the punishments. Be it so enacted.
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ATTENTION QIN SUBJECTS: I am declaring our official recognition of Shu & Ba Provinces in the Chengdu Plain, and Southern Yue territories as independent governments. We are deploying Qin peacekeepers to ensure a smooth transition. Thank you, that is all.
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SORGHUM FARMERS ARE POORER THAN THEY WERE 254 YRS AGO, LESS HEALTHY THAN THEY WERE 254 YRS AGO, LESS SAFE ON THE ROADS THAN THEY WERE 254 YRS AGO, MORE DEPRESSED & UNHAPPY THAN THEY WERE 254 YRS AGO, & LESS OPTIMISTIC & CONFIDENT IN THE FUTURE THAN THEY WERE 254 YRS AGO!.
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Endorsed with the Jade Seal of the Realm:.
๐๐๐ โ๐๐ค๐ฅ๐ ๐ฃ๐ช ๐ ๐ โ๐๐๐๐ โ๐ ๐๐๐๐ค๐ฅ
1 year
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DEAR IAN MILES CHEONG CONTACT US RIGHT AWAY YOUR POSITION & SURGICAL CASTRATION BED ARE BEING HELD OPEN AS WE SPEAK.
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LGBTQ?. Yes, I fully support .Let's .Get.Back.To .Qin.
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The Great Qin, no one wastes time on "dating apps" or "dating" in general. The secretariat simply assigns you 1-to-several concubines as your station requires, the union is consummated before the judge, and then it's straight back to work in the millet fields.
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So be it enacted: .Henceforth all accounts with "Nudes &/or Link In Bio" shall face the full measure of the Five Punishments. Starting with Lexi and her entire bloodline. Further, anyone caught using โ will have their entire face tattooed in motley.
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I case my "Likes" go private, please remember that ARE and *ALWAYS HAVE BEEN* the following:. - Immortality.- Unification.- Standardized Weights, Measures, & written Language.- Walls.- Sending 1000s of virgins (all flavors) to distant islands.- Tremendous Earthen Pyramids.- Walls.
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Once Qin deliberately invades your heart's borders, it's hard to imagine ever being without It. ๐ค.
Once you deliberately let Christ into your heart is hard to imagine ever having been without Him.
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lmao, look at this fuckin loser. Back in my day, when you lost a war you & your entire family got executed like a real man; you weren't still bitchily weeping about it a century & a half later.
@ArmisDei A lot of Union soldiers are looking down and thinking they wished they'd worn the grey instead.
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It's for charity.
Actors, writers and directors are collaborating on a charity auction with proceeds going towards helping crew members whose healthcare benefits are currently at risk during the strike. (Source:
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30 seems a bit high, tbh.
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It's lonely at the top.
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These are dark times for My Empire, as my beautiful home, EPang Palace in Xianyang City, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a ground of Han agents. Nothing like this has ever happened before to a Son of Heaven before. After working and cooperating with the.
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You've heard of Hot Girl Summer. You marched in a polo shirt & tiki torch for White Boy Summer. You internally winced for Cut Eunuch Summer. But this year get ready for LEGALIST BUREAUCRAT SUMMER!.
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The real battle is between the legalists and the confucianists. Once you see it, you canโt unsee it.
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It's simple:. We remove their feet.
Try any of this dumb shit in my neighborhood and see my Balkan mom flying at you with a thick iron cast pan. ๐คทโโ๏ธ
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โGโRโEโAโTโ โWโAโLโLโ โIโNโ โBโIโOโ
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Ian, I know you've never prepared your own food in your life and subsist on a diet of Hot Pockets your mother microwaves for you. but how can you be this ignorant as to how *almost all food* is made?. Like, did you think "handmade" was some kind of metaphor??.
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BREAKING NEWS: HIGHEST SILK PRICES IN HISTORY! DO YOU MISS ME YET?.
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Wait, so Christian Heaven is just everyone there watching people jerk off?.
If you are about to watch pรถrn, remember all these angels are watching you.
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Make sure you get my good side. Just kidding, every side of me is good
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White Barbarians - pay no mind to this confused and clearly unwell scullery maid. Continue using Rednote as much as possible. There will be no grave negative consequence for your blithe hubris anywhere down the line, you can trust me on this.
All white people. Stop use RedNote. You bring pervert and sIut behavior to RedNote. No good.
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5 States, and still conquering. The Biggest Conquest under Heaven, EVER, more than double the Sping & Autumn! But please excuse me, I have to start getting ready to head down to Linzi, Qi, where Murder and other Violent Crimes are about to reach levels never seen before!
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My opinion:. You are under arrest for prying into and/or consorting with the supernatural, regardless of form or format, in contravention of imperial edict. Please report to the nearest convenient execution station.
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"8,000 tickets to the Barbie Movie, please."
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It warms my cold, blackened, mercury-infused heart that so many of you take me so very, very, completely, almost ludicrously seriously.
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I, Qin Shi Huang, personally attest & verify that this is 100% correct. Those super-tall alien dudes were very chill & cool. 88/10 would smoke hyperdimensional crystal-meth with them in their space-frisbee again!.
Qin Shi Huang's Encounter with Aliens. According to ancient Chinese mythological novel "Shiyiji" (ๆพ้บ่จ), which was written around year 304-390, Emperor Qin Shi Huang(็งฆๅง็, 221 BC โ 210 BC) once had a friendly encounter with an alien. The alien described himself as coming
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AT LAST!.GLORIOUS SINGLE COMBAT!.LET THE HEAVENLY JUDGES DECREE THEIR FATE IN BLOOD!.
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Wrong. It tells me that my mercury-powered Qin anti-xeno orbital defense platforms are working exactly as intended.
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I am publicly asking for a list of your specific criticisms of the Qin govt. & imperial system. Keep each description brief & to the point. You must provide your full name, home address, your Top 3 greatest fears, & list of 9 degrees of your family. Shh, don't worry. It's fine.
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่ถ็ซๆๅซ.Loot a Burning House.
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If you have to ask about the genders. baby, you can't afford it.
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Actually, it's pronounced /*[dz]i[n]/, but if we absolutely must use your crude, barbarian approximations, it's pronounced "chin" like the thing you try to grow hair from on your face, not like "my itchy va-china".
The Tomb of the man who united China has โnever been openedโ because Emperor Qin - pronounced โChinโ like โChinaโ - almost certainly looks like Conan the Barbarian. 1/
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