jawn mulaney
@phippsdontlie
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she/her. I call it like I see it. I'm a straight shooter and I shoot from the hip. and my hips don't lie
crab town
Joined March 2009
I call it like I see it. I'm a straight shooter and I shoot from the hip. and my hips don't lie.
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it's honestly so funny because every day that goes by without getting $1400, i need more and more money than $1400.
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okay but how good do I have to get at swimming before I can get away with murdering rapists, because I will practice.
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metal guy seeing me wearing my boyfriends t shirt: oh you like sepultura???? name three of their songs. me: oh lmao is that what this shirt says i thought it was “spatula”.
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@michelmcbride @jessehawken i've seen some bad takes in my time but "there's no cinematography or creativity in films with computer generated imagery" is a powerful one, not soon to be forgotten.
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@jeremysmiles my great godmother drowned in a bog so i felt very similarly as i drove a truck full of zeldin ballots into the bog behind my cabin.
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@PageSix stop making fun of this. i studied abroad as elvis for a semester in college and i never lost my accent either.
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regular christmas music: 🎶oh yes the snow, it's ticklin' my nose🎶. the christmas music i like: [the loudest organ you've ever heard] [a boy's choir] 🎶o ye infant that ∫halle murder ∫atan🎶.
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@BradMichelson @brimil philadelphia was built atop a chaos energy vortex, similar to the “hellmouth” in buffy the vampire slayer.
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@LolOverruled she told him thunder was the sound that lightning makes and he had to sit down for five days.
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@fred_enrii @ohshidt yeah people born in the US famously never shoot guns in a reckless way.
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oh wow it's almost like donald trump is definitely a rapist or something.
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@ColinJost i don't think, as a professional comedian, it can possibly escape you how this joke is punching way way down.
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@_megconley the fact that he thinks his 9-year-old daughters are just parroting talking points — my man, they will never forget this. you have absolutely poisoned your relationship with your daughters and it is 100000% your fault.
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please sign my petition to remake my early 20s with some writers who actually know what the fuck they're doing.
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@CarolineMoss i'm not sure what movie this would be but one time i was out on a date with my ex and he seemed bummed out so to try to make him laugh i ate the entire lime slice (peel and all) that garnished my gin and tonic, and then he dumped me.
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@davidlonch @CarolineMoss to be completely fair to the young man, when i intimated that i was preparing to eat the lime, he said "please don't do that".
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@mollymulshine @CarolineMoss every night i cry and scream “rosebud” at the mirror but my account balance never changes.
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whenever i get really angry about the term "PC Police," i think about this very good comic by Branson and i smile
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@pugmane why can't people just recognize that two people look somewhat similar without turning it into a whole thing.
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@dynamicsymmetry not to mention that those of us who are in the workforce have to move from entry-level job to entry-level job because no one wants to give us benefits or fair wages.
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if there's not much difference let's take all the guns away and everyone can just throw rocks instead.
Trump warns that if any migrants throw stones or rocks when they get to the US border, "We will consider that a firearm. Because there's not much difference.".
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(•_•).<) )╯testimony from. / \. \(•_•). ( (> a credible witness. / \. (•_•).<) )> is evidence. / \.
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[backstage at AEW]. britt baker: [chanting] teeth, teeth-. young bucks: teeth, TEETH. cody rhodes: [pounding his piles of money] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!.
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@GovMikeHuckabee @taylorswift13 michael why are you making fun of 13 year old girls when some of your fave political allies are so attracted to them.
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@accidental_left lol can you even imagine if there was a government body responsible for printing money. what a nightmare.
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@ebruenig do you think it might be helpful to be more specific about what was dumb or bad about it.
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@amandamull the germs are the secret ingredient that makes the water taste good and makes me grow strong muscles.
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I wonder how many times Carrie Fisher was told she was "too much," but then said "fuck you" and kept being herself anyway.
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republican: we're the party of lincoln.republican: [wears confederate flag t-shirt].me: omg do we tell him?????.
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"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage." –- St. Augustine.
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shoutout to the adult businessman I saw absolutely SLAMMING a Nesquik on his way to work, you are truly living sir.
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@KimKardashian i haven't seen my parents since january but go off queen! love how good you are at reading the room.
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@peaceandcare00 @docksidelove @roryuphold read the room friend! lead with empathy and not with critiques for a victim's behavior!.
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betsy. shut the fuck up.
DeVos: "If everything is harassment, then nothing is."
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be patient with the people who try to start fights with you here on twitter — you never know what else is going on with them. they are probably trying to start fights with like 8 other people and that's taxing.
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bi-annual reminder that not liking something massively popular doesn't count as an adequate substitute for having a personality.
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i am working on getting better at reading these goddamn fonts i swear
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"that's not the way to protest," says someone whose only experience with protest was donning a pink hat and going for a big walk a few years ago.
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@lullabystace @pldtadm1n @metaIqueersoIid oh there’s cocaine in the background i’m actually 2 years old and i was raised by a sheep.
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@offbeatorbit i can’t decide, i need everyone to keep posting pictures of young al pacino in the replies. just al tho.
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i think every male twitch streamer should always have his wife crying in the background.
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i love it when an instagram account devoted to a dog posts something even vaguely political and people in the comments are astounded to learn that the account is not run by an actual dog.
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BREAKING: here's a sneak peek at the cover page for the GOP's next piece of legislation
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@NicoleConlan i want pitbull man: enormous noggin, clingy, loves to hang out on the couch, scared of non-threatening things, refuses to go outside when it's raining.
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real talk, do not fuck with grown men who don't have lasting platonic friendships with grown women.
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✨you have been🌈 visited ☄️ by the ~*HoT kUmAiL*~ 🔥💥🌞🍆💦‼️ if you forward 📲 this to 10 👯♂️ friends 👬 by midnight 🌚 and your 🌹🦐 crush 💞💖 will ask you on a date‼️ if you ignore 🙅🏼♀️🦶🏻 the ~*HoT kUmAiL*~ 🍑🍌💦 then you will be 🚫❌CANCELED 🆘✂️.
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@dominicknero lot of the replies to this are saying "he stands like that because. " but i'm like, stands like what? normal? this is how we all stand. i'm standing like this right now.
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$5 each to bernie and liz this morning. i am the papa, and it is time for allowance. you haev done your chores this week my babeis. i'm sorry for this tweet.
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@judysquirrels house is clean and cute. pjs look comfy as hell. she's probably super well rested. die mad haters.
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@EmIpsaLoquitur @Nicole_Cliffe he literally just prefers this towel because it *feels good on his feet*.
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this thread reminds me of the cherished family story of my father standing over his baby sister's crib as a child and telling my grandmother, "i'm going to dead her".
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@kenklippenstein i am praying for her to heal from the terrible affliction of being 800 years old.
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in light of everything happening with roe, it is VITAL that we remember that ape holders can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape. if we forget this then we've already lost.
a lotta yall still dont get it. ape holders can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape. so if you have 1 astro ape and 3 slurp juices you can create 3 new apes. Tonight's slurp juice mint event is essentially a minting event for both Lab Monkes and Special Forces
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people are replying to this saying "sad to see America lumped in with China and Russia." fucking why? we're worse and we've always been worse. our country is built on genocide and slavery. we're the only nation that's ever deployed atomic bombs. we're the worst.
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me and my boyfriend when we go to any restaurant where the entrees cost more than $20
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[macklemore voice] walk into the club like, "whatup,.
I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A PERFECT PHONE CALL!.
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my gender studies professor said it should be the baby carrying the man but now i finally see how wrong she was.
Woman cradles and protects child. Man carries and protects both. This is how it ought to be, despite what your gender studies professor says
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therapist: so what brings you here today?.me: I need help monetizing my brand.
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[rivers cuomo voice] god damn you big titty goth girls, you do it to me every time.
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