Matt O'Brien
@matt_obrien
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Canadian 🇨🇦| Comedian | @SiriusXM Top Comic Winner | @TimeoutLA Comic To Watch| seen on @justforlaughs | follow me on THREADS INSTEAD
Los Angeles, CA
Joined January 2009
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just a reminder that if your fellow self quarantining neighbors are being too loud you might be able to connect to their Bluetooth speaker
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marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
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GOVERNMENT: stay home
ME: ok I’m staying home
GOVERNMENT: ....you wanna go out and get a burrito or something?
ME: can I?
GOVERNMENT: ya maybe I dunno
ME: can I goto the park?
GOVERNMENT: haha buddy I dunno what am I the park police
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I’ll never regret my purchase of a tiny projector and two hammocks
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why is 55° in LA colder than anything I've ever experienced in the dead of winter in Canada
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just when I thought life couldn’t get any sweeter FREE CHOCOLATE MILK
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Tom Hardy always looks like he's charging his phone across the room and he just saw someone almost touch it
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Papa Roach is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Papa Roach.”
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some guy commented on one of my STAND UP COMEDY clips
"it appears he's exaggerating or embellishing in order to get more laughs"
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this is me doing a corporate zoom stand up gig at the height of the pandemic
Mental-health crisis from pandemic was minimal, study suggests
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excuse me
@netflix
how much money will you give me for my comedy special I shot entirely on a door bell cam
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“Ontario will allow capacity for two couples and one loser to gather indoors”
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I made a special song to play through my neighbors bluetooth speaker when they play their music too loud
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I tried to make a motivational internet video and it went a little off the rails
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when I file my US taxes this year it's just going to be a 8x10 photo of my full asshole
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for those that want to add the song to their workout playlist
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last night one of the comics on the show briefly mentioned how Biden won and it made 4 people storm out of the show. on the way out one pointed at me and said “YOU were funny” and I said “I don’t want YOU to think I was funny” and then they all said “fuck you” in unison and left
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my first general meeting in LA was with a producer at ABC we talked for an hour about ghosts and when I left she said “I like you. you’re fun. I’ll see what I can do for you here.” and then I followed up with her a week later and found out she no longer worked for the company
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Hey
@betchesluvthis
ya took another one of my posts without crediting me! Ya like my jokes!? Hire me or WRITE your own
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my wife and I after we both take heavy dumps at the same gas station
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also this is incase your neighbors start being a different type of loud
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if any car companies out there need a new commercial filmed just know I can safely make one from inside my apartment
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things might seem hopeless right now so here’s a little motivational video I made to get us all through these dark times
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my wife and I are still quarantining and we don't plan to stop reenacting scenes from Frasier any time soon
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marriage is being on your computer and loudly saying "interesting" and then waiting for the other person to say "what's interesting"
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back in my day we didn’t have Netflix specials
we just waited for Blink-182 to name their new album and that was enough jokes for all of us for while!
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according to the Oscars a new "Pinocchio" movie was made? How did that slip through the cracks of the 40,000 beers I drank last year!?
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MAY 2020: I am washing my groceries
MAY 2021: *opens toilet with mouth*
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if you want to cast me in your car commercial here’s what it would look like if I was in a car commercial
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facebook is down but my ass is wide open if anyone wants to scream stuff into it
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as a professional working actor I have to film a lot of self tape auditions. I'm going to start posting all my tapes that I never booked.
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listen I hate Canadian stereotypes but I was completely alone walking a trail and I slipped a bit and said "oops sorry" to NOBODY and then I realized what I did and said "ah fuck" and then a mother and child walked by and gave me a look and I said "OOPS SORRY"
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Hey new people liking this tweet a bunch I’d appreciate a follow if you enjoyed this. I used to be a stand up comedian in the normal times and now this is all I have?
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every doctor has a trophy of the previous doctor they challenged, fought, defeated and ate
http://t.co/VI8kLvxF4L
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the new
@KITHOnline
is so good I love it so much also I still can't believe
@ScottThompson_
came to the house warming for my shitty one bedroom Hollywood apartment 5 years ago. one of my friends looked at me and said "why is a Kid in the Hall drinking a lacroix on your patio?"
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my wife got me these in canada and I’m treating it like an expensive bottle of champagne to open on a special occasion
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so far my favorite christmas was when my dad thought he was watering the christmas tree for 3 weeks but he was actually missing the base entirely and then on christmas morning we all unwrapped the moldiest wettest gifts and then we still don't talk about it to this day
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as a person living in the US not being able to vote it feels like I'm at a friends house and his parents are fighting at the dinner table and I just have to watch politely and hope that when the fights done the roast beef is still good
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today at a car wash I saw a guy digging around in a garbage can so I gave him $5 and he thanked me.
then I saw him take out the whole garbage bag, and put it in a dumpster. then he sat in a booth and played on his iPhone. He worked there. Today I gave a guy working at his job $5.
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so far the worst thing I've done during the pandemic is clone a tiny version of myself that tries out terrible new stand up bits around the house
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drinking a moosehead listening to Sloan on a dock at a cottage in Canada and I wish everyone had this friggin feeling right now
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sometimes when I get a hot dog at Costco I take it out of the bun, put it in my mouth like a cigar, and walk around shaking peoples hands like I own the place
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the first oreo is just a "little something sweet" after a meal
the second oreo is "might as well I'm already here"
the third oreo is "k last one"
the fourth oreo is when things start to get dark
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me every morning finishing my wordle, lewdle, quordle, nerdle, crosswordle, primel, dordle, qwrtl, and airportle so I can continue living my dumb life
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here’s my submission to take over James Corden’s show it’s Carpool Karaoke but instead of songs it’s Ted Talks
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still in shock that my “Carpool Ted Talks Karaoke” was not recognized yet again by the Emmys this year
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I got a scam email from 3 months ago saying if I didn't send them $1,200 they send videos of my nude body from my hacked iPhone to my entire contact list so I freaked out and sent them an updated video because I lost a bit of weight since then
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it's hard to watch new TV shows because you can really tell which actors on set haven't been vaccinated yet
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not sure if this “proof of vax” thing is going to work for bars.
I’m currently at a bar, the bouncer asked for my proof of vax, I accidentally showed him a costco receipt and he said “lookin good” and now I’m in the bar
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I still haven’t had covid and I think if I make it to Feb without getting it the government should name a sandwich after me
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it’s crazy how perfect 4am is for waking out of a dead sleep to think about every decision you’ve ever made
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the young couple in the Airbnb next to us were having such loud long sex last night that it almost ruined our evening of my wife and I drinking a $6 bottle of wine and watching golden girls in separate recliners
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last book in the expanse series came out and I am being paid zero dollars to tell you it’s one of the greatest stories I’ve ever read get into it if you want a yahoo fun fun space time. thank you
@JamesSACorey
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@MrEmilyHeller
@kimnewmoney
honestly I think this footage of a couple of honey badgers escaping a zoo might turn some heads
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the Canadian government says we have to drink beer at a cottage for 2 weeks because we have California on us
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I wrote a peanut butter commercial
FAMILY EATING BREAKFAST
DAD: I’m a bit of a SUPER SPREADER
*kids and wife gasp*
DAD: no not THAT
*points to peanut butter*
KIDS: hahahha
WIFE: hahaha
*mailman peeks into window*
MAILMAN: these are uncertain times
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my wife and I listening to the Costco sample lady talk about a cube of bread in a cup
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Here's another self tape audition I never booked- it was for a hockey movie I think.
thanks anyway
@GrahamKayOkay
for helping me run lines
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a talent agent asked me why I don't "just vlog and generate a YouTube audience"
so I made a YouTube vlog
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me and
@juliacomedy
have been quarantining so long we've started reenacting scenes from Frasier
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I've decided to become one of those special effects magicians.
just don't ask me how I do any of my tricks because I'll never tell!
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in the spirit of posting all my old self tape auditions here's another one I never booked.
I think this one was for a fast food commercial
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one time I was Jim Carrey’s The Mask for Halloween but we couldn’t afford a zoot suit so my mom just wrote “The Mask” on a turtle neck
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CONVERSATION I’VE HAD AFTER ALMOST EVERY COMEDY SHOW LATELY
AUDIENCE GUY: must suck that comedians can’t say what they want anymore
ME: I don’t say anything racist or weird anyway so nothing has changed?
GUY:
ME:
GUY:
ME:
GUY: I heard you can say anything in Austin
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M: we need you to kill a guy
JAMES BOND: can I drive nice car?
M: yes
JAMES BOND: can I sex while I work?
M: haha ya k
JAMES BOND: I’m drunk.
M: haha wow haha good
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Hey why doesn't everyone switch to
@SIRIUSXM
instead of Spotify.
a lot of comedian's (myself included) main source of income is from plays on SiriusXM and I have literally made $0.0000007 cents from Spotify
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making funny tweets during these times feels like playing violin while the titanic sinks
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Norm Macdonald is the only comedian that every comedian I knew loved. I constantly get caught up for hours watching youtube clips of him on late night shows and roasts and other comedians told me they did it too they called them "Norm holes". thank you Norm.
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I think the random pictures of Ryan Gosling as Ken are the only glue keeping everything together right now
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they should make a fireplace channel but it's just a live feed of the rotisserie chicken station at Costco
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my very high wife slowly turned her head looked at me in the eyes and said “Mortal Kombat is a movie about men that kick”
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*me in the morning*
ME: please just release all the poo now it'd be so convenient
MY BODY: ....no....well...here's SOME of it.
*me 5 hours later in traffic*
MY BODY: THE REST OF THE POO YOU ORDERED IS READY TO SHIP
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I’m proud of how dusty my plunger is because it means I’m good at going toilet
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I’m not doing stand up shows indoors because I don’t think anyone needs to risk their life to see me bomb a bit about how coleslaw should be called “milk salad”
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here is my latest wine review
I tasted four tiny little bottles of cabernet I found for $5.99
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