Emily Heller
@MrEmilyHeller
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Comedian / complainer. ALBUMS: Pasta, Good for Her. SPECIAL: Ice Thickeners. PODCAST: @jeopardypodcast. TV WRITING: Great North, Barry, Search Party, +. she/her
Los Angeles
Joined September 2008
Hey jeopardudes and jeopardorks, I'm starting a NEW podcast about @Jeopardy with my internet friend @cullenthecomic and the TRAILER IS LIVE! We're launching next week. Just in time to cover this year's highly anticipated, history-making Tournament of Champions! SUBSCRIBE! šš.
Hello! @cullenthecomic and @MrEmilyHeller here. We are launching a brand-new comedy podcast about Jeopardy! starting next week and the trailer is here now. Take a listen and subscribe to our show!. Apple: Spotify:
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Perhaps the most unrealistic thing about Home Alone is Kevin, age 8, voluntarily bathing multiple times when unsupervised.
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I gotta say, R.E.M. gave me unrealistic expectations about how good Iād feel at the end of the world.
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All these celebrity crypto ads are destined for a supercut montage in the inevitable documentary after the recession.
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I just donated $500 to Bernie Sanders for President. Big Warren fan! But itās time to get real. I really donāt want to knock on doors in Tampa this fall and talk to people about how much I love Biden.
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No one tell me the Met Gala theme. Iām gonna try to figure it out.
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Just realized they HAD to make Monica & Ross brother and sister otherwise all the Fā¢Rā¢Iā¢Eā¢Nā¢Dā¢S would have stuck with Carol in the divorce.
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At this point in 2016 Clinton was winning polls in Wisconsin, Michigan, Florida, and Pennsylvania by more than Biden is now and she still lost all those states so let's stay vigilant motherfuckers.
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Remember when we thought watching Uncut Gems was the most stressed out weād ever be for at least a couple months.
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Tried to buy a doormat and here's what arrived: a piece of foam with a photo of the thing I wanted printed on it.
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i used to think that commissioning a hologram of your wife's dead father who you never met and having him call you a genius from beyond the grave was proof of a perfect marriage but i guess i'll have to rethink
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Oh my god. I made a fucking potato. Is this how parents feel
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If you're pro-life you should be fighting climate change, not abortion. If you're pro-life you should be fighting climate change, not abortion. If you're pro-life you should be fighting climate change, not abortion. If you're pro-life you should be fighting climate change, not ab.
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- Hire the women who are coming forward.- Stop repeating second hand stories about them being "difficult to work with".- Stop calling abusive men geniuses.- Cram your auteur theory up your ass. Real geniuses know how to collaborate and share credit.
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You know who was really excited to take pictures of this purse? @gettyimages. You know who wasnāt? Every other photographer there. #emmys
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Today @nicolebyer became the first black woman to be nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Host of a Reality / Competition Program!!!
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How the fuck are more people not talking about this? Guys at comedy clubs kept trying to tell me Joey Diaz was an overlooked genius. Iām so tired of being asked to consider someone a genius when itās clear they donāt even consider me a person.
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I asked my husband what we should do tomorrow night during the election and he said "I'm going to be playing Balatro." I was like "So. I'm on my own?" and he said "No, you can download it too.".
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When started supporting Bernie, I worried if I was ready to join a cause whose reputation has been undermined by a toxic minority of its own members. Then I remembered Iāve been a vegetarian for 20 years. And guess what? Carlās Jr. sells Beyond Burgers now. We can win this, guys.
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You know what that means: six more weeks of Democratic Primaries.
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Pray for the P.A.s on this set.
Alec Baldwin and Kelsey Grammer to star in an ABC sitcom that will premiere in the 2021ā2022 TV season
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I love that conservatives are coming for Bill Maher as revenge for Roseanne. It's like if I took your ice cream cone and you retaliated by adding sprinkles.
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trying to explain the patriarchy to men feels like telling someone who has never heard of bones that there's a skeleton inside their body.
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Just once I'd like an Oscar winner to take a moment to address their dead parents by looking down instead of up.
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I'm begging him to please do this.set me free.
Elon Musk Suggests He Will Charge All X/Twitter Users a Fee to Be on the Platform
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Nancy Pelosi couldn't stop a white supremacist from barging in and scratching his nuts in her office today, but you think the Democrats orchestrated a multi-state election fraud conspiracy with the help of Trump appointed judges?.
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Actors: come to the picket lines! Guaranteed you will get the attention you crave!!! And we will remember who came when weāre casting our next shows #writersstrike
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Will someone tell the Australian Emily Heller who is using my email address for her job applications that it's a 'no' from Dick's Sporting Goods but Cole's wants an interview?.
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This dog looks like it fully comprehends exactly who adopted it.
Meet Winter, Arabellaās birthday dream come true and the newest member of the Kushner family! š
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I opened my jeans drawer by accident today and there was a robust yet orderly community of owls living in it.
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I'm in kind of a weird mood, so I'm asking that no one be mean to me for the next couple years if that's cool.
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HI EVERYONE. I won't have time to walk the press line at the #Emmys this year, so I'm leaving my red carpet look up to you. Would you like to say you dressed an awards show nominee? Just edit your design into these @kimnewmoney photos. High res link in bio!
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YOU WILL NOT END ABORTION BY DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD. YOU WILL ONLY END WOMEN'S LIVES.
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When that cold open ends and you know itās gonna be a good ep
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I got new glasses and a new haircut and it turns out I accidentally committed myself to full time Weird Al cosplay
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Fuck you.
These are the best 40 songs for your next spooky party āand not one of them is "Monster Mash."
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is it just me or should cashless restaurants be SUPER illegal?.
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Like all people, when I invest in a new batch of underwear, I stop wearing the old ones, but I do not get rid of them. I dig a reservoir in the drawer to form them into a nest for my new, precious underwear. Just like you.
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Smells Like Old Ass Bitch Spirit.
Nirvana's Krist Novoselic praised Donald Trump for his "strong and direct" law and order speech: "He knocked it out of the park"
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You ever just sit around thinking about how good Jerry Stiller was on Seinfeld.
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Cool cool so it was a drop in cool so the audience didnāt get a chance to consent to this shit either cool cool love my job love my workplace great to feel valued and protected!! FYI I ran the light at the Cellar once and that was enough for them to never have me back.
Louis C.K. made an unannounced appearance at a New York City comedy club, performing there for the first time since he admitted to sexual misconduct
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What if zuck was like 'sorry guys, I realized it's evil so I turned it off'? Would we have to like him?.
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I try my best to get peopleās pronouns right AND I finger fuck whenever I want. I have time for both because Iām not busy sexually harassing and silencing my coworkers!.
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I have room in my heart to be angry at the homicidal government neglect in Texas AND at Netflix handing a Wednesday Addams series to an all-middle aged male creative team SIMULTANEOUSLY, thank you very much.
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I won't miss masks, but that said, I'm confident I swallowed less bugs in 2020 than any other year of my life.
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Man Instagram used to be where I went to see what my friends were up to and look at art and instead Facebook is just turning it into an algorithm tiktok Snapchat store that shows me strangers announcing news from two days ago and videos of people brushing wigs.
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Are you guys asking your therapists who they support in the primaries or just hoping they agree with you or what.
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How come so many men think being "un-PC" is radical when it is, in fact, the absolute most boring, un-punk, status quo white boy shit ever?.
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Who drew this iPod on a poster for a 2018 TV show and why
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I started vegetable gardening last fall, and when quarantine hit I felt positively psychic. However, I JUST realized that for months I've been telling people I feel like "Nosferatu" when I meant "Nostradamus" and not one person corrected me. Unsure how to feel about this?.
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If you want to complain about young people and you don't care if you sound old as shit, skip the bigotry and instead talk about how WE SHOULD ALL GET TO SIT DOWN AT A ROCK CONCERT. IF WE ALL AGREE TO SIT THEN WE ALL GET TO STAY SEATED, AND IT DOESNāT NEED TO BE THAT LOUD.
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Is it? Some insight from my pen pal who is incarcerated: right now all 120 inmates who regularly work in the garment factory onsite are working 7 days a week making masks and medical gowns. The national average for this work is 27 cents per hour.
āThis is like being in jail. Mostly because Iāve been wearing the same clothes for ten days and everyone is gayā
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So @anthropologie stole a design from Indigenous designers Orenda Tribe. They want Anthropologie to make reparations by funding a skate park for the Navajo Nation. TELL THEM THEY SHOULD.
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Donald Trump is proof that some reality TV stars shouldn't run for president. Marianne Williamson is proof that some presidential candidates should have reality TV shows.
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I was just a little too old for Spongebob when it was on, but too young to enjoy it ironically as a late adolescent, so I missed it entirely. I could never have predicted how consequentially alienating that would be for me online decades later. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, KIDS?.
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Evergreen tweet.
How come so many men think being "un-PC" is radical when it is, in fact, the absolute most boring, un-punk, status quo white boy shit ever?.
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In the joke, I say "Super Mario," not "Super Mario Brothers." The tweet caption was editorialized by Comedy Central. Yoshi is a lizard, introduced in Super Mario World. Also, eat my ass.
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I thought the takeaway from the Michelle Wolf thing was that we werenāt allowed to talk about her eyes???.
Sarah Sanders eyes possible run for governor of Arkansas
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Since people are sharing terrible AirBnB stories, here's one. This house had one, maybe two visible (but subtle!) crosses in almost 100 photos on the site listing. When we arrived, there wasn't a single place your eyes could land that wasn't DRENCHED in hardcore JC imagery.
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My sister directed this wonderful movie and I canāt wait for people to see it!!!!.
It only takes one person to inspire a world of kindness. Based on the true story, #ABeautifulDayMovie in theaters this Thanksgiving.
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Don't wanna be silent on this - fuck R. Kelly and any man who thinks being famous means you get other people's bodies as a prize.
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Now that Netflix is finally getting rid of auto-playing previews, what other long-demanded changes should big tech companies make? My vote is for chronological timeline on Instagram.
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āIf you have such a problem with watching me eating poop, why donāt you MAN UP and watch me eat GALLONS of poop?ā.
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"And this is why I am proposing my new 'Let's Be Moving Now' campaign for child un-fatness." -Melania
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So many defenders of The Racist Comedian seem to think āprofessional jealousyā is the only reason anyone could complain about his hiring. Iāll be sure to mull that over and get back to you but Iām kind of busy getting ready for the Emmys this week.
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I logged out of Facebook by accident the other day and now when I go there it asks me to log in and that extra step is exactly enough of a barrier to stop me from looking at it, it turns out. 5 stars.
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Hey @IvankaTrump! Do you think you and your Jewish family could maybe get your dad to say Nazis, specifically, are bad?.
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Letās get it started. Itās Burning Man Missed Connections time!!!
I canāt sleep!!! Itās Burning Man Missed Connections Eve!!!!!!.
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Wait a minute, Aunt Becky is married to the Mossimo guy?? Thatās the most 90s shit Iāve ever heard in my life.
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no matter how slow and painful this is for all of us, and how badly we all want this moment to be over, let's not lose sight of one thing: trump is absolutely fucking miserable right now.
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Caitlyn Jenner is only running for governor to distract us from this.
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Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.
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Obviously this isn't the most pressing issue right now, but I've seen a lot of one-size-fits-all advice about working from home, and if you have ADHD, please don't beat yourself up if this advice isn't working for you.
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Iām watching the live action Pinocchio and itās so fucking off the wall. Weāre thirty minutes in and heās playing with a turd on the street
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My dad has been making bomber jackets for our family. I decided to have him make me a version of the Seinfeld suede coat. Post office marked it "delivered" but I never got it. What I'm saying is, if you see someone wearing this: take their coat and give it back to me
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I keep thinking about this tweet and Ellen & George W Bush. Itās like I canāt even find time to see my actual friends who havenāt committed war crimes.
Iām increasingly impressed by adults who stay friends with their exes because once youāre like 30 itās hard enough just to stay friends with your friends.
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Let me translate: if the WGA wants changes to this offer, the AMPTP just. refuses to talk about it. If negotiations fall apart after this, remember it's the AMPTP that walked away. It says so right here. Why they thought this would work or make them look good, I'll never know.
AMPTP Gives WGA Its Best and Final Offer, Guild Expected to Respond Sunday
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There are *rich* comedians who are still performing indoors in places with 95% ICU occupancy. When this pandemic is over I just know Iām gonna run into them and Iām going to be expected to look them in the eyes and I tell ya, I just donāt know how Iām gonna do it.
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Wow, they booked Giuliani? Has the show that employs Jenny McCarthy, Robin Thicke, and Nick Cannon lost its scruples??? Anyway I trust this clip will leak soon. Giuliani leaks are pretty common.
EXCLUSIVE: Rudy Giuliani was last week unmasked as an exiting costumed contestant in the taping of the first episode of #TheMaskedSinger. We hears that as soon as they saw Giuliani, judges Ken Jeong & Robin Thicke quickly left the stage in protest
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hi, wearing your face mask around your neck doesn't count, also you shouldn't be taking it on and off while you're out because if it actually does stop any virus you're, like, rubbing that virus with your fingers :) :) :).
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If those cowards hadnāt canceled NBCās The Slap, maybe weād know how to process this a bit better.
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No notes! Great job!!.
A new bronze statue of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled in Slovenia this week, after a wooden version of the memorial was burned in July.
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lol twitter was like "do you want to read this article before you retweet it?".
Emily Heller Inks Overall Deal With CBS StudiosĀ (EXCLUSIVE)
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Subtweet: it doesnāt matter that your cafe table is six feet away from the rest of them if your dining companion is someone youāre not quarantining with š„°.
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Women are bullied our whole lives into beautifying ourselves so that, one day, a rotting pumpkin might feel inspired to grab us by the pussy.
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Tarantino describing Margot Robbieās contribution to OUATIH as āgoodnessā perfectly sums up how much nuance he thinks women deserve.
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Will I be reading Melaniaās tell all? Yes, yes I will. But I promise you this - I will find a way to not pay for it.
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