math teacher bf
@math_teacher_bf
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A good relationship should be prehistorically simple. I drive to get her food (hunter) and she saves funny tweets to show me when I get back (gatherer)
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
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Dating a girl would be so easy all I’d have to do is buy some random little object on my way home and give it to her
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If I had a girlfriend I would take her to get ice cream and then pretend I don’t hear anything as she totally blows up my toilet later
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Actual real sign found outside of the computer science building
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Girls be like this is my emotional support guy who doesn’t like me back
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Like I could fr just buy this and she’d be in the group chat like “you guyssss😭”
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“Help keep all safe” how does it smell so bad that it’s HAZARDOUS 😭
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I’m sorry but “when life gives you lemons, Biden kills you with them” is so fucking funny
I knew he'd get to the Panera lemonade at some point.
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I think we should all pray for Katlin from tinder. She very clearly and obviously has been overcome by paralysis from the neck down🙏 I wish her a speedy recovery
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Why is it always the ones you never expect that do well
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*desperate for pussy voice* you’re so right baby these Taylor swift songs DO sound sooo much better the second time around
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Gaslighting? Idk that’s a pretty big word babe are you sure your friends aren’t lying to you? You know they don’t care about you like I do. Anyway listen to the guitar in this strokes song
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You either have this friend or you are this friend
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If you see us at chilis together just know we’re fuckin raw
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I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr Acula
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Me on a first date: yeah no this is such a cool restaurant I like how they cut their fries. Pretty. Pretty long if you ask me like what would you say that is? 3 inches? Like do you think that’s long? Like. In terms of fries of course would that be pretty big to you or
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I saw this on my walk today and I am SICK. I can’t keep living in such a divided country
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No rizz just fluffy brown hair and I care about if u cum or not
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@luvme4mysins
Tweet of a screenshot of a tik tok of a tweet. Inception
A good relationship should be prehistorically simple. I drive to get her food (hunter) and she saves funny tweets to show me when I get back (gatherer)
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Yep, got about 3.5 inches of snow last night (measured)
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Girls get to smell like cinnamon sugar freshly baked cookie and boys have to smell like Tree Bark
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Sorry babe I can’t be in a relationship with you I’m in love with all of my Twitter mutuals
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You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
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I think it should be illegal for anyone else to be at the gym at the same time as me
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I’m in her dms, you’re in her dms, she’s literally at another guys house right now bro what are we doing
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You ever have a crush on someone but then it kinda fizzles out only for you to realize later that they’re an absolute mess
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I have done many questionable things in my day but I have never posted on my Instagram of nearly 10m people that I believe the lord will bring my ex back to me
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@taylorkrupp
I’m gonna guess she got a lot of numbers in the few days she was on tinder and lost track of who’s who
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@aquariusdays
Whoever texted you this has gotta be really cute and funny and caring and loving and sexy
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Spooky season is upon us who’s trying out the spider sneaker fleshlight
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The sluttiest thing a man can do is work in a restaurant
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“Stop tweeting so much you sound dumb and annoying”
First of all, I am dumb and annoying
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Me whenever one of my tweets doesn’t do as well as I thought it should
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Alright class good morning I’m Mr. Jay and I’ll be here observing for the semester. Do we have any questions? Yeah you back there
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I saw an add that said “forget everything you know about bed sheets” so I did. And then they tried to sell me something called bed sheets and I had no idea what the hell that was
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Coming out as a person who likes these kinds of cookies
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How’s old folks twitter doing tonight? (ages 25-35)
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You got a real big attitude for someone who’s neck is within kissing distance
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Frat dudes when they lift up the couch cushions
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This guy made it through all the thunderstorms and was so brave about it (hid under the bed with his duck in his mouth). Everyone say good job Todd
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Wish me luck on his last day of teaching for the semester!
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Yeah she might text him throughout the day and go on dates with him and he gives her money and she texts him good morning every day but I liked three of her tweets in a row so.
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What do you mean not every single person on the entire planet likes me
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Do I want a girlfriend or do I just want someone to run their fingers through my hair while I lay on their chest and try to forget about the day I had today
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Since the BDSM test is going around again I thought I’d share my results. Who want me 😈😈 prepare to get wild
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There should be a “I never want to hear this again” button on Spotify
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Is it really that terrible working a regular corporate job? Are 9-5s really that bad? Like I can’t imagine it’s worse than teaching.
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You ever just peel off the layer of dryer lint and wanna eat it
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Can’t two people just go down on each other as friends
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Wish me luck on my last day of teaching for the semester !
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Don’t get me wrong being single is cool and all but I could really use a hug from behind right about now.
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How Dudes take nudes
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