your reluctant optimist
@kittenwithaquip
Followers
2,213
Following
2,191
Media
1,446
Statuses
10,318
Insufferable snarky heathen, liberal, foul-mouthed. Heathen = atheist. I was trying to be subtle. There is no converting me, baby.
Bowels of hell
Joined January 2010
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My 15 year-old won 2nd place in the pre-Calculus division of a regional math competition!
He thought he blew it. When they called his name in 2nd place the boy was SHOOKETH!
He's humble. I'm not. I'm obnoxiously proud. He's amazing, & I get to be his mom.
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Look, I'm 52 & shameless.
This is me. The thinnest I've ever been, & the first time I've felt comfortable posting a pic of more than my face.
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"But I'm a creep..."
15 has "discovered" Radiohead & is putting the songs he likes on my playlist. It's 1993 again...
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I found this dress for $5, yet had reservations about being a 53 year-old in a short skirt.
Then I said "fcuk that it's cute".
Ignore my doofus face. This is about the dress.
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I'm part irish, but if you kiss me without consent, I'm punching you in the throat.
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Gotta love Twitter. I wake up to a comment that says "I take comfort in your early death." That was my first notification.
Awesome. You'll probably get your wish, buddy depending what you consider early. I've made it almost 52 years. I figure I've got maybe 15 left.
Get fucked.
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This is the what my 14 year-old decided to do just for kicks. Yes, it's a convoluted equation for 1=1, but he was experimenting.
Is it bragging if I also admit that he did not get this talent from me? (Yes, it is. Mostly I'm amazed.)
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@parlertakes
So the people who need Apple maps to tell them where to overthrow the government are going to overthrow the government? The iPhone Militia is out in force! Fear their Yelp reviews, Antifa!
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@TheRealHoarse
@nypost
As someone who's had bariatric surgery, I can be relatively certain that snake had bariatric surgery.
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Thank you to everyone who took the time to say a kind word. I didn't expect this post to be seen by so many.
You know how sports' parents can yell & cheer from the sidelines? That's discouraged at math competitions.
Consider this me cheering. I want the man to be celebrated.
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@April39677298
At a mammogram recently a male doc came in & felt the need to explain that the nipple has several holes. Holey shit! BTW, I've birthed & breastfed 2 children. I knew that. Intimately.
I wanted to ask if I had a urethra too or if I peed out of my front butt. 🙄
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Today you would have been 75. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.
I love you, Mom.
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@mama_c2
"Nobody knows more about ____ than me"-- from a person rarely coherent or knowledgeable.
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@MysterySolvent
"No Amount of Photoshop Could Save These Two"
(Did they paste them into a room? This whole thing looks fake.)
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If you're here to call out "pre" Calculus or 2nd place, accuse me of taking credit for my son's accomplishment, or my favorite, engagement farming, that seems sad.
My kid did something cool. I suck at math. He didn't get it from me.
I had a happy moment. I shared it. Sorry?
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@majesticbeauty5
I feel like I've been staring at this tweet for 10 minutes, speechless. Not shocked, which is sad. With everything going on right now, someone is SO FRAGILE they can't just STFU & let you speak your truth. Shameful.
I wish I had better words. I'm sorry you dealt with that.
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Yeah, I've been on Twitter for over 10 years & I have less than 1200 followers. Why? Because I ignored Twitter until maybe 7 months ago.
Maybe don't judge someone based on numbers?
Also? My tweets suck. 🤷 I tried warning you, but do you listen?
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@MsDixieDiva8253
I'm vaccinated & I still mask, today & everyday for people like your sister. You wrote a beautiful, heartbreaking tribute to her. Rest, Deborah. Hugs, Diva. 💔
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@MarinaSilver6
I am a redhead who doesn't have the gene for redhair (MC1R), so I am a mutation of a mutation. We haven't done his genetics, but my eldest is a ginger, who was born in Friday, October 13th.
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I should clarify: it's not my birthday. That won't be til August. I was just going through photos & felt cute. Thank you all! I was not expecting this response. 🤗
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@JoJoFromJerz
#TrumpCant
Balance a checkbook, let alone a budget.
Do laundry.
Look at his own daughter without it being creepy.
Hold his own wife's hand.
Hold a glass w/ 1 hand.
Tell the truth.
Pass a Civics class.
I could go on...
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Uh, I just got into a little tartan skirt that hadn't seen the light of day for 15 years. I don't care if it's gonna be 70°F today. I'm busting out a cardigan & a coy look.
I'll be the geriatric woman trying to pass off pressure socks as knee highs. Cope.
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Oh DM Boys: read the bio. It's clear. It was written to dissuade you. I AM old: old enough to be your mom. No, pfp isn't filtered. It's called lighting.
Find your light. I ain't it.
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@lmauricecpr
Because they can't fix you. Some even try, & not understanding how much Depression Brain lies, they get frustrated when you don't take their well intentioned but useless advice. Some get disgusted w/us because they can see the image we project, not the demons inside & assume 1/2
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@sweetjesus2000
Oof. People give me grief for cursing in front of my kids & I'm like, "They've been doing Active Live Shooter drills since they were 6. You think the 'F' word traumatises them?"
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When people say, "Twitter is toxic", That strikes me as a choice. There are some lovely people, & connections between "strangers" that make the experience worthwhile.
Sure, I'll snap at politicians. I'm not perfect. But I can also filter out the dross & appreciate the beauty.
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@MysterySolvent
Overgrown roots & ridiculous boots.
Oh. Her show? "Something, Something PATRIOTIC Vaguely Jingoistic Freedom Alternate Reality Buzzwords". ( Working title.)
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@CoeurTheone
@funder
Well, 2 people who didn't vote at all were Loeffler & Perdue. Shocking, the 2 of them doing nothing, I know.
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It's Friday. Let's not be dicks to each other, okay?
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Mother's Day is my personal minefield, so...
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@DID_Sybil
@thejackhopkins
@AnnevanLeur
I'm not a doctor (but I play one on Twitter), & I thought it looked like steroid bloat.
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@MollyJongFast
What version of the events is this? The 3rd? 4th? Does he honestly think anyone is buying this?
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@maplecocaine
This is the guy my husband keeps going on about? I cannot tell you how many times I've been told that he cured his own autoimmune disorder AND depression, by eating just steak & salt. I have a rheumatologist, & never once have they suggested any such diet. Libertarians. 🙄
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Wanna fight???
These cookies are trash.
I'm eating it anyway.
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@SHEsus__Christ
Yep. Just ask my kids. We told them what most people around here believe, & what we believe.
I now have a 13 year-old agnostic & 14 year-old atheist. In the bible belt. Super fun, but at least I know my boys can think for themselves & be decent men.
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#NewProfilePic
My real, 52 year-old face. No filter.
This is the the real "kitten with a quip".
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@TeaRoomBetty
It's always on at my doctor's office. When they start ragging on me about my blood pressure I tell them to switch gotdamn channel in the waiting room & it wouldn't be so high.
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@Ankhassa
@AlayneAdelaide
@_celia_bedelia_
Interesting that Target carries vibrators next to vitamins. I guess they're a health product? I mean, if placement dictates...
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@lmauricecpr
2/2 that we don't appreciate what we have. We do. We just assume that the people around us would be better off without us.
Or maybe that's just my experience. 🤷
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@waltshaub
@simonesmithedit
We played Frank Sinatra & Louis Prima at my (1st) wedding reception. Upon hearing it my own mother looked at me & asked, "How old are you?!?"
I was 28. Swing is lively, inoffensive & classic.
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@MelanieInMiami
@BreakandEnterTV
@AGKarlRacine
Jared doesn't show up on camera or in mirrors. Somethingsomething, no soul. Any evidence to the contrary is false & fake news. You'll be hearing from his lawyers forthwith.
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@gwtiawah
@chrissyteigen
@JaimeSachiko
Nah. But apparently you're part of the generation who likes to tear smart, successful women down.
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This may upset some of you "Alpha" males. 🤭
17 has a girlfriend we all adore. She is currently on her period (gasp!) & my son made a point of buying her chocolate with sea salt & other comfort foods. Today he will give back rubs.
Say what you want boys, that is how it's done.
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I take pics of his whiteboard to document what he's studying for kicks. He was going over sample ?s from a previous test. Someone will say this is simple. Looks complicated to me.
THE CHILD ASKED FOR A *HORIZONTAL* WHITEBOARD FOR XMAS. WHAT WAS THE 1st CLUE HE WAS A NERD?
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Do not make me defend the South. It's one of my least favorite things to do.
Not everyone who lives in a red state is some slack-jawed yokel. Some of us quietly, subversively, live here & raise liberal, good-looking, smart kids to breed w/ the others & *BOOM* problem solved.
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Now if the big bugger would stop putting the bummer songs on I'd be a lot happier. "Exit Music (For a Film)" keeps making me tear up.
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My youngest is 13. He has a fever of 99.9 & a sore throat.
I have been awake since 3:30 because of anxiety.
Please let this be nothing major.
Please.
(He's been fully vaccinated since mid-June.)
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@thebr0keb0i
@MysterySolvent
See, I was going for "getting his beard wet the only way he knows how", but I like where you went, too.
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I sent my youngest child to school today, vaccinated & masked, but is it enough? Did I make the right decision?
Please let it be the right decision. I feel like my heart would just stop beating if anything happened to them.
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@mmpadellan
@SenMikeLee
I'm thinking "prospefity" looks like prosperity for some, but the "f" is for those of us who feel f*cked right now.
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@TG22110
I think it's time for TG to reveal his true face. 😈 Tho' that may be too much. In my head you look & sound like Fauci. If it turned out you are really like, Tiffany, Former Guy's Least Favorite Daughter, it might just be too much for me to handle.
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This will get buried in early morning carping. Just as well.
Confession: I hate this time of year. I act happy for my family, but I ache. I'm doing the countdown in my head to the anniversary of my mother's death & I spend every morning crying in my chair while they sleep.
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@cpoliticditto
I live about 20 minutes away from their old compound. Did a drive by once just to give them the finger.
It's not easy being blue in a red state. I get my kicks where I can.
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@GuelfiJohn
After 4 years of struggling w/ my mom's death I'm in grief counseling. I look at it like I've been carrying around this enormous stone by myself. I thought I was strong enough. I'm not. There's no shame in asking for help carrying it.
I hope you find what you need. 💙
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@JakeLobin
Mine have been in virtual since last April. 14 told me, "I miss my friends, but at least I won't get shot at home."
At age 9 he told me about their ALS drills: they were told to hide, but also to hurl their little bodies at an attacker to save their friends. THAT'S phukked.
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@DeathMetalV
@Leslieoo7
I'm sitting here crying about the news because my mom loved him. Jan. 19th was the 5th anniversary of her death, & despite truly not believing in an afterlife, I hope she gets to meet him. My quirky mom liked Elvis, Jim Croce & Meatloaf. Their music is part of my childhood.
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"No Surprises" is a tear jerker too.
I was wondering what would happen when he got to Ok Computer.
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@cozymother
This is one of those beautiful pictures where you see the pure love of a father &, I'm guessing he's a little in awe of your power & stamina. I say that because my husband watched me give birth twice & is still amazed.
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Today this beautiful boy of mine turns 16. He's my firstborn, & my partner in crime.
I've loved him from the moment I first knew he was there. I'd waited 10 years to have a baby, & he's always been precious to me.
From my very 1st Mother's Day:
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Getting boosted in florescent lighting. My vanity doesn't want to post a pic, but fuck it, I'm old. Now you'll see the wrinkles, buddy.
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More of this energy from people with a platform, please.
A furious, emotional and fed up Steve Kerr pleaded with senators to do something about the mass shootings.
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@chrissyteigen
@BrianBadieHair
My husband did mine. This is the "good" side. I don't want to see the back. To his credit, he's a computer programmer who thinks black Wranglers are "too trendy".
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@parlertakes
So is he openly threatening members of SCOTUS with blackmail? That doesn't seem very...prudent.
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Even by my own rather loose standards for mixing patterns, the family tartan probably does not go with navy & while paisley, polka dots & stripes. Baby, it's cold outside.
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@sweetjesus2000
-uses the word "fuck" repeatedly
-wants to get together
-ends w/ "just lemme know...", which is tantamount these days to "pleaseohpleaseohplease pay attention to me".
Niswonger is a whole vibe. Not one I'm into, but it's a vibe.
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Just makeup, no filters.
Come for the ugly, middle-aged women & I'll make you cry.
Welcome to the crone era.
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@BlackKnight10k
Hard pass. Not even taking one for the team.
In do have a pact w/ my husband: he teaches our sons math, I teach them literacy & how to talk to women.
Trust me, we're playing to our strengths.
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@TheRealHoarse
@MollyJongFast
Put some in the microwave. Record it. Add sounds of screams.
Dunno. Seems satisfying.
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Lola is cold. I am unable to move.
Bring baked goods.
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Every b-day I try to take a picture of me at my current age-- no filter. (I know lighting & angles so it's a different kind of smoke & mirrors.) Since my mom died I wear her jewelry on special occasions; her birthday would've been exactly 2 weeks after mine.
Me at 51.
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@JasonStrummer
I think it's Lindsey Buckingham, but now I can't get the image of Glenn Close in a wig & BIG MAD outta my head. 💀
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@FairieNamedMars
My husband asked, "do you know what happens during pregnancy?" & then explained how the spine loosens, etc, AFTER I had birthed 2 children.
Just a few weeks ago a male doc felt the need to tell me there was more than 1 hole in the nipple. Breastfed both those babies. Well aware.
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My respectable mom drag for breaking the kid out of school early.
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@BeatTheCult
Learning about Greek myths, having a childhood friend who was Sikh. At age 11 it occured to me that there were so many "gods", who was right? We couldn't all be right, so we were all wrong.
No god, no devil. Just a system meant to keep us afraid.
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@MissesDread
Africa by Toto. It's associated with being treated horribly at a party where I was humiliated as a fat, awkward girl. And, the song sucks. I don't care what anyone says.
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