Gareth Williams.
@history99917180
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Previously worked for the Queen. Mature student - History. Premier league wheelchair rugby player at Northampton Saints. And I beat Cancer.
Cambridge.
Joined October 2018
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Just made a massive husband f’ck up. I’ve just uttered the words no husband should ever say.
‘My mum didn’t do it like that’.
Please pray for me. Things are a bit tense.
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‘Dave, just get in the taxi, he ain’t worth it’.
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Dear America. These are not biscuits and that is not gravy. If you’d have stuck with us you’d be eating a full English instead. You must be disappointed.
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Oh fuck off with your fake tears Paula. Did you shed a single tear for those innocent people whose lives you ruined? You’re an awful person and deserve to be locked up. People like you really fuck me off. You’re only crying because you’ve been caught.
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I’m a middle aged ex cop who used to protect royalty and important people. I was allowed to drive very expensive bikes and cars very very quickly.
Despite all that, my mum has just rung me to check I’m ok after wales lost the rugby.
Mums are special people.
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I’ve been sprayed in the face with CS incapacitant and it was very unpleasant. But, it will never come close to the pain of having this stuff in my eyes during my weekly Sunday night bath as a young lad.
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My old force have asked my permission to re-issue my old collar number to a new officer. I get to attend a ceremony and formally hand it over it to the new recipient with a precis of my service. What a great idea albeit I pity the poor sod who gets lumbered with mine!
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Right, gonna lose some followers now.
Watching the Jubilee it reminds me I was once responsible for security of the Monarch and her family. It was a huge responsibility and one I’m proud to have been entrusted to do.
No harm came to them when I was on duty. I’ll take that.
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44 years ago today, 600 members of the SAS stormed the Iranian embassy under the auspices of Operation Nimrod.
I know there were 600 SAS blokes on that balcony because every Police firearms officer I’ve met was trained by one of them on a course with them or knew one of them.
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Oh do fuck off. I’ll tell you what’s ‘paralysing anxiety’. Being 5 weeks into continuous cancer treatment & you’re so absolutely exhausted your mate has to lift you into and out of his car to get you to hospital for yet more debilitating treatment. Fool.
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Mrs W is doing some animal CPD stuff on her laptop. She suddenly looks up and declares, ‘This means nothing to me’.
Quick as a flash, I break out into,
‘The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky, it fades to the distance, oh Vienna’.
Young people won’t get this.
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I spent my entire childhood covered in this stuff. I can smell it just looking at this image.
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If you had one of these as your first computer you’re as old as fuck.
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I’ve been sent to countless loose horses, cows, sheep, swans, pigs etc. I’ve had several shot by firearms officers or dispatched by Vets and huntsmen. What I have never done is run the poor f’ckers over with my car. And nobody was hurt.
But, what do I know. I’m an old dinosaur.
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Sadly, I’ve done that. As have many others.
An officer distracts kid from a car accident that killed her father.
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Well I’m proper fucked.
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Funny job memories.
That’s yours truly and that’s a car in the first floor window of a house. Using all my skills as a detective I concluded excessive speed had been a contributing factor in the cause of the collision. Sharp as a tack me.
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Annual cancer review. All Fucking clear. All fucking clear.
To everyone affected by the big C my heart goes out to you. I’m one of the lucky ones, I hope you are too.
Right, off for a little cry. Be back later.
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If you ride a motorcycle wearing shorts and a T shirt you’re not cool you’re a f’cking idiot. I spent 10 years scraping what’s left of you off the road, sometimes with a shovel.
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Funny job memories.
One of my first arrests as a sprog Bobby. Lad for theft of a pushbike.
In custody block and duty solicitor goes into private consultation. 5 minutes later,
Sol ‘I can’t represent this lad’
Me ‘Oh, everything ok’?
Sol ‘I think it’s my bike he’s nicked’.
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F’ck me.
“When interviewed by the police watchdog about his claim to have attended Dartmouth, Mr Adderley admitted he had been rejected by the college but said he had written on his CV that he had attended for four years because it showed his "ambition".
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Love this stuff. We’re fortunate to live in a picturesque village. We get ‘UFL’s’ (Up From London) people moving in and literally complaining about the church bells, the noisy cockerels in the morning and the dust from the harvest every year. We all just laugh at them.
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A night I did everything wrong. Chased 2 car thief’s into an area I didn’t know. Got trapped in a garden with them. Back-up didn’t know where I was. Unbeknownst to me, a job dog tracked the thief’s to the garden and saved my skin. Never been so happy to see a dog. RIP Finn.
A hero police dog who was stabbed saving his handler and went on to have a law named after him, aimed at giving service animals greater protection from attack, has died peacefully in his sleep aged 14
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Funny job story.
In a diesel Fiesta panda car on night shift. 2 cars go flying past. I do my best to catch up with the disco lights going.
Suddenly, the rear most car screeches to a stop. Chap jumps out, runs to my car ‘we’re regional crime squad on a job, will you fuck off’.
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Annual cancer review. I’m all clear. That’s 5 years clear.
Not going to attempt an inspirational speech as all my friends would know Sam must have written it.
Anyway, off for a little cry. See you later.
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Funny memory from my previous life.
Giving a ticket to a stroppy chap on the A14.
Him “Do you know who my father is”?
Me “No, sorry mate I don’t. Could your mum not remember”?
My Inspector was laughing when he told me off.
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Oh fuck. Someone please tell them.
Settling down with kids (4 and 6) to watch this nice Easter film. Not seen it before.
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I’m sorry to go off on one but here goes.
Young cops, when you’re dealing with an incident on a live carriageway never ever ever turn your back on the approaching traffic.
I spent years walking backwards and although it looked stupid I’m still here to laugh about it.
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10 years a traffic skipper. Advanced bike and car tickets. VIP authorised bike skipper who has protected Royalty and Hollywood stars.
Feedback tonight from Mrs W whilst driving her home from work.
“Your driving is really sh1t these days”.
Well, there you have it.
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Young cop at court rightly very proud to have passed the standard driving course. She’s so chuffed she’s been giving me tips on how to improve my driving using limit points & ease & squeeze etc. I sat there and listened as I didn’t have the heart to admit I was ex traffic.
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This really fucks me off. Especially the part where he claims to have worked on the Soham job. He bloody well did not. I know, because I did. And he was nowhere to be seen. Bring a cop means having integrity. You never sacrifice your integrity. Tosser.
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Remembering when you were a kid and had a bath with this stuff on a Sunday night before school.
If it went in your eyes you’d be lucky to regain normal vision before Tuesday.
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When you’re tying to get the on duty DS to attend a crime scene.
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Well, that’s rather wonderful.
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Lady on radio suggesting the police should all have voice recognition technology to combat the problem of scam telephone calls.
The last nick I worked in didn’t have a stapler or a fork.
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I’ve been bad.
Chatting to a colleague at court who has just been accepted into the police. She’s only a youngster and I’ve convinced her she needs a valid cycling proficiency certificate before she joins the job. She’s currently on a Google search to get her certificate!
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18…?
F’ck me. He looks like a 40yr old double glazing salesman on his second marriage.
18.
Single.
Alpha Male.
Wildly Successful.
Passionately pro-Trump.
Do you find this attractive?
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When you’re late turn DS and you’re turned out from your warm office to a moody death.
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Funny job memories.
RTC, flash lad in Porsche who’d crashed into a ditch. Colleague taking measurements as allegations of xs speed.
Driver ‘why are you taking measurements of the road’?
Colleague ‘Just trying to figure out where you ran out of talent, sir’.
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2 years ago this little fella was found abandoned in a barn in a very desperate state. Sam went to the rescue & admitted it was touch & go as he was so very ill.
Well, after lots of love, attention & mischievous behaviour I think he’s done ok.
Happy birthday Jonesy.
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Live scenes from the Scottish Borders as wanted man makes a break for the border.
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Found a picture of my old CID team. Great bunch. Some proper thief takers too.
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Funny job memory.
I once nicked a chap on Magdalene Street in Cambridge but walked him around the corner to Bridge street as I couldn’t remember how to spell Magdalene.
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A person on twitter arguing that the police should use voice recognition software to ID suspects who commit crime when their face is covered.
Most nicks I worked in didn’t have a fork or a stapler.
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I was an FLO. When people learn I was on traffic they often assume the worst part of the job was witnessing all the deaths and mangled bodies etc. It wasn’t for me, I could deal with that. The very worst part was the long walk to the front door. That’s what I struggled with.
First day of running a week long FLO course, training officers to support families through the worst time of their lives 🚔
#FLO
#TheUnseenSideOfPolicing
💙
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When you’re early DS on Boxing Day and walk into 20 DP’s in the bins and 4 scene guards.
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@TuckerClemens
Lisa is a sad attention seeker who thinks she’s being edgy. Don’t be like Lisa.
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I only got 3 medals after 25 years service. I didn’t do anything particularly brave or courageous but I know I bloody well earned them. And you can f’ck right off for claiming you worked on the Soham job.
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Angry Gareth time.
Under no circumstances ever tell me speeding is just a cash cow for the old bill.
When you’ve been to 200 fatals, scraped hundreds of mangled bodies off the road, walked up to as many front doors as I have then tell me again it’s just about cash
Fuck off.
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We used to carry teddy bears in our traffic cars for just this sort of situation.
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If you’re going to big yourself up as being involved in a massive job that was very high profile and make out you were a hero check the middle age civvy sitting in the corner and keeping quiet wasn’t the skipper who was actually at the job…!
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Don’t f’ck with northern people.
A community comes together to take out the trash when an elderly man is attacked in Yorkshire, UK.
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The Khalife saga has reminded me of a funny job.
Sat in panda car eating my chips. Chap taps on window.
Him ‘I suppose you’re after me’
Me ‘Err, why’s that’.
Him ‘I’m AWOL from the army’
Me ‘Oh, best you jump in the back then’
Got a thankyou letter from the Army for that
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Ukraines youngest MP Sviatoslav Yurash has taken up arms and stated,
“I was born in a free Ukraine and I’ll die in a free Ukraine”.
Fucking hell, tell me again about the ‘youth of today’. I’d follow that man through fire.
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Dear young cops.
Just a reminder that back in the day we had really cool job cars. Not like the electronic gizmo packed, drive themselves and won’t throw you in a ditch cars you have these days.
Look at this thing of beauty.
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The bravest of the brave. I could only hope I’d have had the courage to do the same.
This police officer is a hero. She responded on her own and took down the Westfield Bondi Junction attacker, who killed and injured multiple people in a stabbing rampage. Incredible bravery.
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When you grab your mates hat from the traffic car by mistake.
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Ex job people. Who remembers when we had to have authority from the duty inspector to take our ties off?
And don’t get caught with rolled-up shirt sleeves!
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Driving with Mrs W.
Range Rover tries to cut her up at a junction.
Mrs W ‘You can piss off you posh tart with your plastic lips’.
Class bird my wife.
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Best advice I was ever given as a manager.
“If you think you’re the most important person take a week off and see if the job still gets done. Then the following week give all your staff the week off and then decide who is the most important person”.
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I hope he was gentle!
Back in London for the day and one of my colleagues just took me up The Shard.
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Young cops. When a vehicle stops like this get right up its arse, touch it's bumper. It won't stop them reversing but it will reduce their momentum and hopefully the amount of damage they do. Learned through experience of chasing lots of Subarus with cash machines back in the day
The dangers officers face daily has been highlighted after a driver was jailed when he rammed his car into a police vehicle and seriously injured an officer.
Dashcam footage released shows the incident.
More information here -
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On a lighter note, who remembers getting home from school to watch this?
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Funny job memories.
Went to a burglary in progress.
To try and gain the advantage I shouted ‘Police, I’ve got a big dog’
Voice replies ‘piss off, we saw you get off your motorbike’
Two in custody so I took the win.
🐕🦺 👮 "Police officer with a dog, stand still!"
This is the moment burglar Ricky Homer, 37, was caught red-handed by Police Dog Vinnie after breaking into a garden centre.
Take a look at our burglary prevention advice on the force website:
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Mrs W has a Vet student working with her this week. The surgery have sent her to Screwfix around the corner to get a tin of tartan paint. And they’re awaiting her return. Real life verses student life is about to collide.
Mrs W may have learned some of my bad habits.
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Funny job memory.
VIP bike duty on bloody hot day in full leathers. First break after 4 hours. Found an ice cream van and bought a round of 99s for the team.
Angry man ‘Sergeant, eating ice creams is outrageous’
Me ‘I agree sir, they just cost me £18’
He stormed off.
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Funny job memories.
Airshow. 2 planes crash into each other. Pilot of plane parachutes safely to earth.
I’m first on scene of crash. Pilot walking towards me holding his parachute.
Me “I’m guessing you’re the pilot”
Pilot “I’m guessing you’re a detective”.
Priceless.
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Gareth’s court room advice.
If you’re the defendant in a trial accused of assault probably best not to threaten to ‘smack up’ the magistrates and loudly proclaim to the court that your Solicitor is ‘f’cking useless and doesn’t know the law’...!
Just a thought.
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Funny memory when I was a baby Bobby before CCTV
Sent to city centre to look for a chap who’d smashed a window.
Control “He’s walking around with a traffic cone on his head”
Me “Have you got a description”
Control “If the traffic cone isn’t enough you’re in the wrong job”
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The chap in the office who keeps saying “When I was in the job” and coming out with loads of war stories is getting right on my t*ts.
I’ve not mentioned I’m ex job. Just letting him dig a hole with his embellishments then I might mention it.
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Who else was taught to hold scissors like this when you are walking? Being doing it since primary school.
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Yep. Slam me for being old fashioned but it’s just how I am.
They say only men know what's wrong with this photo, Do you know?
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It’s 9am and this little f’cker has already brought home two mice. I’ve managed to rescue and recover one of them. The second was sadly consumed. Still think he’s a lovely, cute boy??
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Who can remember having to drive the Leyland Sherpa van on shift? No power steering, no air con, no style and no acceleration.
But, leaving the sliding door open on a run was quite good fun.
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So many in the job.
Gurkha - Never took prisoners.
Olympic torch - Never went out.
Drill bit - Small boring tool.
Hard drive - Always backed up at a job but never got there first.
Yesterday, I heard someone say they had a colleague nicknamed “Photo Finish” because they always leant slightly forward while walking.
What’s the best nickname you’ve ever heard?
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They’ve blanked out the dogs face….!
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I once used my trouser belt as a temporary head collar to remove a nag from the M11.
Never thought to try this technique.
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Rant time.
A rank does not make you someone’s superior. Those under your care don’t serve you, you serve them.
In return for your service to them you are entrusted in asking them to do extraordinary things at extraordinary times. They do those things because they trust you.
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To every traffic cop in the UK.
‘Is the road closed mate’?
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Today I was talking to a colleague and the conversation included the Fire Service. I referred to them as ‘Trumpton’.
My colleague looked confused and asked why I called them Trumpton.
It then dawned on me they’re about 25!
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Sleep well Ma’am. It was an honour and a pleasure.
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One of my pet peeves are the idiots who ride a bike in the summer wearing shorts and flip flops. You wouldn’t do it if you’d seen first-hand what happens to the human body after sliding down a tarmac road. Dress for the slide not the ride.
Batman wears armour so why don’t you when you ride a motorcycle. Summer is coming what will you be wearing. I know which option I would choose.
#RideSafe
#Motorcycle
#motorbike
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Right, it’s pancake day. And pancakes can only ever be consumed with sugar and lemon juice. If anyone suggests peanut butter or Nutella or marmite etc. I will block you.
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Who remembers this? With Darth Vader putting in an early appearance before he went rogue.
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Found an old RTC reconstruction sketch for one of my prosecution jobs. The CPS loved my files.
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Watched 10 mins of ‘Police Interceptors’. Narrator, ‘these are the best pursuit drivers in the business’.
Bollocks.
New job cars are glorified computers full of gizmos that won’t let you crash.
Back in the day we drove these beasts. Now these things would try to kill you.
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This was privately my biggest fear when I was a traffic skipper.
Horror as police officer on his way to the scene of a fatal crash is told his wife was among the victims
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To think you were found abandoned & all alone not doing too great at about 3 weeks old. Luckily for you Jonesy, Mrs W came to your rescue. And Mrs W can work miracles. We’re very lucky to have you.
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