hannah jones
@hannahjonescool
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Following
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Media
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Statuses
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she/her. comedian, writer, annoying. Featured in Denverite, Westword, and on Channel 7 News.
Denver, CO
Joined March 2018
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#NevaPlay
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SAROCHA X MODERN GURU
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#ZeeNunew1stFMinJapan
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サブスク解禁
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小泉進次郎
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Hayırlı Cumalar
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FANZA
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小泉さん
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MUSINSA BEAUTY WITH KARINA
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TransisiSEJUK PRABOWOJKW
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モモンガ
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KitaKOMPAK KitaMENANG
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ちいかわ寿司
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アストロボット
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資さんうどん
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知的レベル
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すかいらーく
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KPLC
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進次郎さん
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資さん買収
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Engin Polat
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ベイマックス
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PRETTY GIRL ERA MILKLOVE
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Pinned Tweet
Most bisexual-with-a-boyfriend I ever felt is when I accidentally started doing the knee thing to his balls
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@markyforall
Where u kinda use ur knee to rub her clit a little but it’s not so good for balls
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Every dad who has ever abandoned his family has a story from his perspective where he didn’t. And a new wife who thinks the kids are crazy because the ex is poisoning their opinion of him. Even his fake lighthearted cadence gave me de ja vu.
I wake up at 6 a.m. to find that my daughter has posted a TikTok video trashing me.
She's a big social media influencer with millions of followers. Here it is . . .
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I recently ~~doubled my income and I cannot emphasize enough how easy mindset shifts, positivity, emotional communication, being a good friend, being a good date, eating well and exercising, and investing in my hobbies are with more money.
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This is what I see when male comics go “I’m kidding! I’m kidding…. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
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Nooooo Taylor swift dating problematic pop star Matty Healy?? I wanted her to be in a GAY relationship with republican Kushner Wife 😣
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I always thought office jobs were pretty easy when I was in the service industry. But now that I have one? I can confirm with 100% certainty they are literally so fucking easy and you guys are all pussies.
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THINGS YOU CAN STILL DO WHILE SOCIAL DISTANCING:
- text me to say that you have always thought I was cute and smart and funny but I was just so intimidating but with the weird apocalyptic vibe and all you just though maybe
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Comedy is fun bc you will meet a guy who you’ve heard has fucked your six hottest friends and he looks like this
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Boutta “have you seen Dune yet” my way under someone’s son
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Periods are cool because you get big boobs for one day and you get suicidal ideation for four days and that is called your hormones being in "balance"
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I am bisexual but I mostly date men because I like being the victim
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@matildae22
You’re not wrong but I’d argue that that “type of person” you’re talking about is, by and large, teens. And that is fairly developmentally appropriate for them.
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@hinge
posted “stop Asian hate” today but still allows you to filter matches by race (for free) but NOT political affiliation, meaning BIPOC can’t keep themselves safe but bigots can fuel their fetishes. why don’t you post less infographics and make actual policy changes.
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Straight woman calling her boyfriend a “partner”. Girl when’s the last time he took initiative? That’s your assistant.
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It has come to my attention that many of my friends won’t ask for what they need from service people because they don’t want to seem mean? As former barista (for years) we don’t give a shit about comping a drink or making it again, as long as you’re nice! Here’s how to phrase it:
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CDC says u can quarantine if you find someone to cover but it can’t be one of the new ppl bc they’re still training to close and they can only do mids right now
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When you go from a job where you provide tangible value for society (food service) to a high-paying job that provides no value (sending emails, making graphics, etc) you will forever feel like your job is fake and you’re about to get fired (because it is an you are)
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@itsmariannnna
If you hate working out you’re probably working out too hard or too often. Slow down your cardio, decrease your heavy weight sessions per week. And most importantly, if you ever really don’t want to go just don’t. Go when you have energy and want to feel good.
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@raynefq
I vividly remember multiple articles talking about the bravery of putting her tiny tits on television “and they’re misshapen too!!” It made my cry lol.
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When u get a new follower and he likes 20 pics from the last 4 years u know this dm request is about to go crazyyyyyyyy
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Corporate accounts making jokes to each other should have been included in the book of revelation as harbingers of the second coming.
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69ing is soooo capitalism core. Very “side hustle” “no days off” “never stop grinding”
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TL;dr it shouldn’t shock you that being poor has emotional and interpersonal consequences. Stop attributing it all to good character.
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Girls when they visited the same beach as a guy once: “omg invisible string 😍😍😍”
Girls when they have seen the same amateur breakdancer on tinder for the tenth time this year:
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And it's so hard // and it's cold here //
And I'm tired of taking orders
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Oh no girls are outperforming boys in academics I guess we need to create a generation of content about how cool it is to be hot and dumb and get free stuff from men
r u guys noticing the rise in anti intellectualism in girls lately like what is that
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@raynefq
And no one realizes how common nursing is because we’re not up late stalking the nice girls from high school online
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My gf: (is crying)
Me, an empath, sensing there will be no head
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No comedian has all five:
1. Talented
2. Penis
3. Nice to women
4. A job
5. Healthy relationship with alcohol
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I don’t want a BOYFRIEND I want to be able to “like” an email so I never have to say “sounds good!” again
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Spilled my cold brew at my gate and the girlie next to me gasped bc she empathized in a uniquely feminine way. This is sisterhood.
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Watching the public response to this video is insane. Like this girl is crushing (you can clearly hear it) and nobody is asking “hey, gee, I wonder if there is context that makes this joke funnier than it appears to myself personally.”
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@Tanya_Sabrinaaa
(Planning a date time but no location, following each other on IG, never confirming day of bc they both only 40% wanna go, never talk again, watch stories forever)
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A very happy My Birthday to all !!!!
Check the birthday fit:
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A reminder that gig workers don’t set prices based on what they believe they’re worth. It’s mostly based on how busy they are. If they’re too booked at a lower price, this is the price they set to protect their free time.
Am I being a hater or is a $400 minimum and a $300/hr rate for a first year tattooer absolutely insane
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just had to unfollow someone on ig bc their boyfriend is so ugly that seeing him was ruining my instagram experience
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NOBODY is talking about the WAR ON VALENTINE’S DAY. This holiday USED to be about HONORING JESUS and the first time he had SEX.
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@anylaurie16
LAURIE!!! Thank you!!!! Telling others to wear masks usually falls to staff and it’s so much harder for people in service positions to receive that kind of treatment and worry whether it will end in a negative review or a lower tip or something.
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Also making you a free drink is SO much easier than going back and finding and refunding a specific order, so just ask for a new one when you can. And ask them to pour out the bad one TO NOT PUT A FULL DRINK IN THE TRASH
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Boutta “I love hiking” my way onto some climber boy’s overly muscular fingers
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a big fan of Stacy, completely unaware of how much hotter her mom is
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“Hey, sorry to be annoying, but [what went wrong], and I was wondering if it would be possible to [what you want, like a free drink] but no worries either way of course!”
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Guys will be like “omg I’m so into podcasts” 🤔 then why aren’t you a better listener?
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It’s 2021 why can’t I “like” an email instead of replying “got it, thanks!”
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The best way to get out of a date is to say you’re feeling “a little suicidal” because then if they try to reschedule you don’t have to respond.
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I love to make clothes that I realistically will never wear!!!!! This was a $6.99 tablecloth from goodwill!!! I made the set mostly in the dark and didn’t notice a huge yellow stain on the titty!!!!
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When liberals see real class consciousness in the flesh they are always repulsed by it and that’s how you know dems are capitalists first and foremost.
Omg, poor baby has her first job. Like..she has to commute?? Like...she has to cook dinner?? Like...no time or energy to work out?? Like..she's working in person not remote??? Like...She. Has. To. Work. 9. To. 5 ??? What????🙄
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“Men need to go to therapy” no babe, men need to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. Men need to go to H&R Block. Men need to go to the skincare aisle. Gotta walk before you can run.
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Everyone wants to go to the “best” taco spot or the “best” bbq place and idk how to explain that I’ve enjoyed every restaurant I’ve ever been to. Eating out is so fun.
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Do you think if I got stuck in the Suez Canal and blocked 10% of all trade he would notice me?
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To be clear, the dad perspective is that he is entitled to a relationship with his daughter unless he does something sufficiently bad (physical abuse). The daughter perspective is that having a dad who seems indifferent to your existence is more painful than not having a dad.
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I would love a career in comedy but I don’t like influencers, suburbs in the Midwest, or anything involving the word “packet”. I want to have an old money patron and be their live-in laughter concubine like in the Middle Ages.
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When I say “what’s the ratio” at the party this is what I’m asking
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PDFs are genius because it’s like what if… your computer… couldn’t read
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Influencer is what happens when a super hot person just REFUSES to learn a traditional entertainment skill
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Me: did you hear about Kanye
My bf: did you hear about the star that got sucked into a black hole and caused a gamma ray to shoot past the earth, missing us by about the length of our moon? And we all would have died? If it hit us?
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Men: we are drowning in your unreachable beauty standards!!!
Every Article: It’s Rodent Boy Summer. Good News For Little Medieval Disfigured Freak Boys. Every Girl Is Nutting Her Pants for Boys Who Look Like They Got Cursed By A Witch.
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My therapist just broke up with me at the end of a crisis call 🤪🤪🤪 that bitch has AMAZING comedic timing
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Average person has 8 sexual partners in their lifetime???????? I am only two away from the big sleep 👁👄👁🤞
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Is it a crush or is he the first guy you met while the sun was out?
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Pls make sure my ex sees these (he is not on twitter) it’s very important
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You buy the thrift store dress, chop it up, make a matching mask, now it’s sluttier AND cdc compliant.
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The best part of doing comedy for a decade is that some dude who seemed totally normal 9 years ago is an alcoholic now and messages you something incomprehensible once a month
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@bishkebab3
@PhilanthropyGal
This tweet feels like if Corinne made a separate account as a joke to bully herself
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Be the interior decorator you want to see in the world ⭐️
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Tall guys could all have bald spots and we wouldn’t even know 🤔
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Whole timeline is about either the submarine or being bisexual. The two great tragedies of privilege.
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@itsmariannnna
Also you are probably not eating enough. Truthfully, diet culture has made working out into a very uncomfortable/unpleasant feeling. It should feel like play. You should have excess energy at the start and feel tired at the end. You should NOT feel tired at the start.
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Me a month ago: I have to stop dating bartenders
Me today: hey guys good news there are two more places we can’t go anymore.
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Nice mustache…. Be a shame if it felt like a million tiny knives on my cooter
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Climate scientists: billions of craps have gone missing and it’s devastating ecologically.
Me: why don’t they check ur moms panties lmao
WHAT KILLED THE CRABS?
The official story is something like “a billion snow crabs disappeared.”
If that sounds fishy to you, keep reading. Let’s dive into the ecology, oceanography, & geopolitical history of the Bering Sea.
A science thread on crabs, corruption, & collapse: 🦀
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Girl don’t worry! When we roast nepo babies we’re not talking about YOU (bc you are not successful)
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Every 30 or so years everybody suddenly learns how banks work and they’re like “wait that’s so bad” and then they forget again for 30 years.
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If there’s gonna be discourse about public sex, I better fucking see some public sex 😡
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So I (26F) am seeing this guy (65M) who was married when we first met. TBH I was just into it because he was rich and definitely did NOT expect him to leave his wife for me but now it’s this whole thing because global markets were unstabilized
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Oh my god guys there’s a radically new epidemic of teenagers with developmentally predictable worldviews who don’t understand the complexities of adult life how crazyyyyyyyy
I do think there’s a type of person online who attributes all their human complexity to some label (neurodivergence, Gifted Kid Burnout, a specific flavour of white queerness) and as a result thinks anyone who doesn’t share that is a blank slate with no inner life or depth lol
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If there’s one thing I know about niche internet microfame, it’s that once people start saying “she” instead of “you” in the comments, you’re gonna want to stop reading the comments.
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