Chandler Dean
@chandlerjdean
Followers
4,393
Following
1,016
Media
2,221
Statuses
20,212
Comedian & Speechwriter / @WestWingWriters / Satire @newyorker @mcsweeneys @reductress / Performer @ucbtny @CaveatNYC / Prev: @harddrivemag , Lovett or Leave It
Brooklyn
Joined July 2009
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Nigéria
• 207423 Tweets
Jasper
• 134020 Tweets
Newsweek
• 129497 Tweets
Caracas
• 81616 Tweets
Ricardo
• 79909 Tweets
Nodal
• 68960 Tweets
Alberta
• 64787 Tweets
Marta
• 50555 Tweets
LONE LION MUNAWAR
• 47197 Tweets
Lorena
• 41422 Tweets
スペイン
• 34452 Tweets
Fields
• 29752 Tweets
#なでしこジャパン
• 24072 Tweets
Southwest
• 21696 Tweets
Bordeaux
• 21194 Tweets
Rasmussen
• 13161 Tweets
#انصفوا_النصر_يالاستقطاب
• 10919 Tweets
$BUB
• 10110 Tweets
me trying to talk about Bring It On on Amazon’s internal chat app
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Joe Biden every time the Supreme Court takes away another fundamental human right
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Googling “can I take expired advil,” not liking the results I saw, then adding “be real”
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Last night at the Gridiron Dinner in DC, maybe 10 feet from me and
@sarahagruen
, a woman collapsed, hit her head on a table, and was laying on the floor without moving.
People gather trying to help, but no one is sure what to do. Someone goes to find a doctor.
They found one.
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|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| IF YOU SUPPORT SPENDING|
|TRILLIONS TO STOP COVID |
|BUT NOT MEDICARE 4 ALL |
|YOU BELIEVE DYING FROM |
|A LACK OF HEALTHCARE |
| IS ONLY AN EMERGENCY IF |
| IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU |
| ＿＿＿＿＿__＿＿＿＿＿____|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ
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Jimmy Carter showing up to Henry Kissinger’s funeral
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“Clapping for the Nicole AMC ad isn’t funny anymore.” Is “being funny” the only source of value? What about community? Tradition? Belonging? One day Nicole won’t be there and you won’t remember the last time you clapped for her. And I will pity you.
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Some people claim Comedy Central has no idea how to retain talent. But if that were true, you would’ve seen huge shows on other networks from the likes of Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Nathan Fielder, Tim Robinson,
Roy Wood Jr won’t be returning to The Daily Show as he no longer wants to wait for someone else to take the top job.
"I can't come up with Plan B is while still working with Plan A”
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Never ceases to amaze me that my computer can’t save files with a slash in the title. What are you, scared?
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Until somebody builds a bigger, fatter, Greeker wedding
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If 20 years of progress can collapse in a matter of days then you probably didn't actually make 20 years of progress
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A viral tweet will be like “some of y’all rly think the moon is made of cheese lmao” and then inevitably they have to reply “I now understand some communities are taught by our failed education system that the moon is made of cheese. My tweet was NOT directed towards them—“
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@elonmusk
I wrote this for
@HardDriveMag
! Here’s the full article for any attribution-heads out there
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@chandlerjdean
@ChloeCunha
Thankfully, she was okay. And the good doctor posed for a photo with her, documenting one of the best “only in Washington” stories of all time!
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I can’t believe Louis CK of all people subjected an unsuspecting crowd to several minutes of self-indulgent behavior without their consent
Louis C.K. made an unannounced appearance at a New York City comedy club, performing there for the first time since he admitted to sexual misconduct
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When the protagonist goes viral and it changes everything
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All right people, I know this is basic but someone had to do it, I now present:
THE 2020 CANDIDATES AS AVENGERS: A THREAD
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@MillyTamarez
Well I'm sure this is the conclusion of the story and there will be no unexpected developments from here
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CNN: Bernie, are you evil
Bernie: No
CNN: But why are you evil
Bernie: I'm not
[chyron: when will Bernie admit he is evil]
CNN: Vice President Biden, what's your comment on the fact that Bernie is evil
Biden: I think dames can run for president just as fast as any fella
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Summer fun! 🏖❤️ (*private island all tested negative multiple times wear a mask❤️)
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BERNIE SANDERS is GROOT
- has been saying the same shit his whole life
- plenty of grassroots support
- still alive???
- he is groot
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I support Bernie but I’m not on board with the people who are accusing Warren of inauthenticity when she makes selfie line jokes or dances or whatever. She’s acting like a hokey grandma because she IS a hokey grandma! That is authenticity! Fun generally speaking should be allowed
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Wow I can’t believe these numbers! My life is gonna change forever!
When the protagonist goes viral and it changes everything
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If I had been a headline writer at the New York Post when Steve Jobs got fired you KNOW I would have gone with APPLE TURNOVER
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FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is NICK FURY
- not getting involved unless he absolutely has to
- has meetings with everyone individually but disappears when shit goes down
- no one lets him say "motherfucker" but you can tell he REALLY wants to
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Me and my friends from high school every time we say we’ll get coffee when they’re in town
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How employers respond after freelancers ask when they’re getting paid
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@slack2thefuture
He is, in terms of size, equivalent to at least three workers standing in solidarity
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BETO O'ROURKE is STARLORD
- seems like a cool fun guy until he starts to take himself too seriously
- looks up into space and wonders about the meaning of it all
- thinks cool music is a personality trait
- his real name is much more boring
- really cashing in on Gen X nostalgia
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Tweeting is dangerous because there’s a 99.9% chance no one ever sees or cares about your impulsive thought—but there’s a 0.01% chance it gets more attention than all of your life’s work combined. And in all likelihood it’ll be something like “on god, poo poo really do be stinky”
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@Spelt_D_o_n_a_l
You might want to check the Executive Producer credit on those people’s projects
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ELIZABETH WARREN is CAPTAIN AMERICA
- been around a WHILE
- written off as dorky but eventually you admit they're right
- minimal Native American ancestry
- carries around annotated notebook of cultural references
- former Republican who has realized how messed up the world is
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DONALD TRUMP is THANOS
- acquired all five infinity stones (PA, WI, MI, FL, OH)
- wants half the population gone (you know which half)
- would sacrifice child for power (Eric)
- thicc but we won't admit it
- sitting comfortably on throne while everyone else destroys one another
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Wow I can’t believe these numbers!!! My life is gonna change forever!!!
When the protagonist goes viral and it changes everything
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Get you a senator who is both the product of a corporation AND committing unspeakable crimes against humanity!
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The ultimate test for all boyfriends…when she’s takin a lil nap…how long do you wait to wake her up…will she be mad because you didn’t let her sleep enough…or because you let her sleep too long…I never mastered this which is why I’m being downgraded from boyfriend to husband
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I’ve been doing comedy for 8 years and nothing i come up with will ever be as funny as my friend from high school whose iPhone passcode was 1973 and every time he’d put it in he’d wistfully say “the year we landed on the moon…”
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Me: I would like to travel 3 miles. How much could that possibly cost
Uber and Lyft:
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@cheeserburger
Let’s make sure
@dietz_meredith
gets the clout and the punishment she deserves for this headline
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As soon as COVID is over, I’m gonna say “that was freakin awkward”
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This is totally, 100%, unquestionably a case of parallel thinking—but if somehow this could result in me getting to write for the Oscars next year then BY ALL MEANS
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TULSI GABBARD is VISION'S WEIRD GIRLFRIEND
- can't quite figure out her "deal"
- anti-interventionist until she decides someone needs an ass-kicking
- definitely into alternative medicine
- who is she
- this tweet will make everyone mad at me
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PETE BUTTIGIEG is ANT-MAN
- some new guy who you have to learn about late in the game
- more formidable than his humble size would suggest
- will never age
- people might like his partner more
- no clear position on free college
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Louis CK seems to be fully back after less than two years since we learned about his sex crimes. For context it’s been 9 years since I played the cello and the only crime I committed was being bad at the cello
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It's called Don't Look Up because they don't want you to google the reviews
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MIKE GRAVEL is ROCKET RACCOON
- shitposting from the sidelines
- has no intention of becoming president
- actually has great ideas but no one will listen to him
- not sure if real or computer-generated
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KAMALA HARRIS is BLACK WIDOW
- secret cop
- 5'2''
- very popular on Pantsuit Nation
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Twitter is doing a great job helping to preserve election integrity
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JOE BIDEN is THOR
- Confused and dismayed by modern human customs
- Is thousands of years old
- Problematic but learning
- Neoliberal women love him
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“He’s literally grooming her” - me at a wedding talking about the man next to the bride
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When we say “abolish the police,” we DON’T mean “get rid of all police officers.” We mean “get rid of all police officers EXCEPT one old-timey Irish guy with a baton who says ‘whoa there sonny, where’s the fire???’ when you run too fast”
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Amtrak just waived change fees through late April, which, on top of all the companies offering sick leave and Work From Home policies, makes the coronavirus the most effective leftist advocate of our generation
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AMY KLOBUCHAR is THE HULK
- don't make her angry
- you wouldn't like her when she's angry
- IT'S KLOBBERIN' TIME!!!
- I know that's The Thing's catchphrase but work with me here
- maybe KLOB SMASH?
- doesn't use combs properly
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ANDREW YANG is IRON MAN
- fake gamer
- silicon valley mogul
- secret libertarian
- strong takes on body modification
- lots of reddit guys have posters of him on their wall
- throws crazy ideas out there, then shrugs and leaves the room to let someone else figure out the details
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About to get absolutely zonked at the full bar in the basement of the 57th street Nordstrom
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Can’t believe my Harvard acceptance was rescinded after I burned down just ONE (1) hospital for insurance money. That was supposed to be a private conversation between me and the hospital. This especially sucks since I’m supposed to have a fundamental right to go to Harvard
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CORY BOOKER is BRUCE BANNER
- close ties with pharmaceutical companies
- seems like a nice guy but has some awkward quirks
- dad vibes for days
- good relationship with Rosario Dawson
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*BENOIT BLANC VOICE*
They weeble and they wobble, certainly…
*BEMUSED SMIRK*
…and yet they don’t fall down…
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Going to the bathroom during a family gathering even though I don’t have to so I can take my sanctioned 5-minute mental health break
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@whstancil
I do not believe the online leftists in your feed complaining about Biden will affect the results of the election
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I’m telling you for the 0.01th time
For the 1/100th time, the reason we show so many Cases, compared to other countries that haven’t done nearly as well as we have, is that our TESTING is much bigger and better. We have tested 40,000,000 people. If we did 20,000,000 instead, Cases would be half, etc. NOT REPORTED!
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DNC CHAIR TOM PEREZ is THAT INEFFECTUAL SENATOR PLAYED BY GARRY SHANDLING FROM IRON MAN 2 WHO GETS HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM
- sorry tom
- I just thought this would be funny
- I'm sure you work hard
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My life:
Never reading books
Never reading books
Never reading books
Never reading books
Never reading books
READING THIS BOOK IS THE ONLY ACTIVITY I DO; THE REST OF LIFE IS A MERE DISTRACTION DESIGNED TO PULL ATTENTION AWAY FROM THIS BOOK
Never reading books
Never reading books
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This Beto stunt is getting us one step closer to what Democrats must ultimately do: bringing back challenging your political opponents to a deadly duel
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Packed ham-and-cheese sandwich at work
-depressing
-sterile
-flaccid
-flavorless
-lonely
-unacceptable
Packed ham-and-cheese sandwich at the beach
-slaps
-transcendental
-profound
-rich
-communal experience
-inspired
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@KrangTNelson
“They say he’s DeSantis, but folks, I’m not so sure. I think he might be DeStinky. What do we think? Who thinks he’s DeSantis?”
*the crowd boos and hisses in disgust*
“And who thinks he might be just a little bit DeStinky?”
*the crowd roars in approval*
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KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND is CAPTAIN MARVEL
- gets tons of hate on the internet
- headstrong now but her origin story is all over the place
- should not be defined by her relationship with Al Franken
- polling at 0%
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You can't convince me that Joe Biden knows who Andrew Yang is
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Being a Trump official must be exhausting. A bunch of freaks are constantly texting you “Please do crimes! PLEASE!!! And text me to confirm after you’ve done the crimes!” Meanwhile Maggie Haberman is like “It sucks people are mad at you for doing crimes. If you need to vent lmk”
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@Scarybo55165496
@fellawhomstdve
Hey hey now no need to bring my boy Spicy Beef Ravioli into this
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@AnyaVolz
Queerbaiting at the club by wearing anything other than cargo shorts and an Invader ZIM t-shirt
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Hey this is my first ever piece for Reductress! I call out a bunch of problematic shit in the piece so I’m going to stop typing now so I don’t accidentally cancel myself!
Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying If You Unpack What I Just Said:
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Has anyone tried Googling “full Mueller report free online 2019 Putlocker”
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@kibblesmith
A tweet like this is accessible for the minimally online, but has a rich texture (me knowing which trending topic that you’re reacting to) that can only be appreciated by the terminally online
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Not me assassinating Archduke Frank Ferdinand 😂😂😂 that mf was getting on my nerves
ⓘ 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐖𝐚𝐫
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JULIAN CASTRO is VISION
- robot
- theoretically powerful but gets owned before the battle even starts
- bilingual(?)
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You never want to have an antisemitism section on your Wikipedia page, but if you do, you REALLY don't want multiple subsections underneath it
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THE OTHER WHITE GUYS are ALL AGENT COULSON
- John Delaney is Dead Coulson
- Jay Inslee is Lip-Sync Coulson
- Tim Ryan is 90's Coulson
- John Hickenlooper is Default Coulson
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Guy just walked into the pharmacy asking for contact solution. Here’s a contact solution: GET GLASSES!
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