Benjamin Partridge
@benpartridge
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Comedy writer and podcaster. Behind the @beefanddairy podcast. One bean of @beansaladpod . (he/him)
Cardiff, Wales
Joined January 2009
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CONFERENCE ENGLOT SERIES
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#ShopeexNCT127_GameDay
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カスの嘘
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Kaptan
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井上尚弥
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ボクシング
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Lemino
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不来方賞
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Samthing Soweto
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Just ordered in a restaurant in Bulgaria and the waiter looked at me with real gravity and said "sir, you must know that this doesn't come with any sort of potato". I've never felt truly seen and supported like that before. Weeping.
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Imagine giving up a couple of hours to be interviewed by the Guardian, and then buying the paper to see that they've opened with this.
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Time to absolutely revolutionize my living room.
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I'll never forget my little interaction with Prince Philip.
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As Rishi says, 30mph is a good British speed in that it embodies the good old fashioned British sense of fair play and healthy competition. Maybe the car will come out on top or maybe the cycling child will. At 20mph the child will usually live, which seems unfair on the car. 🇬🇧
Rishi Sunak tells me that Wales’ 20mph policy does not reflect “the right values of the British people.”
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The resulting side order of potatoes as large as the main dish has now left me bloated and sweating. Listless. Bilious. Experiencing deep corporeal distress. System-wide failure. BRING ON THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE.
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Football songs
Wales: despite hundreds of years of oppression and existential challenges of different kinds, our spirit, culture and language still survive and will prevail forever.
England: This woman, Caroline, is absolutely brilliant.
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Already looking forward to the opening ceremony of Brisbane 2032 where a thousand-strong choir sing the words "a succulent Chinese meal?"
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The guy on the Madri bottle. You meet him at a wedding and you think he looks like a knob but then he's actually really nice and keeps saying "that's amazing buddy" when you tell him about your life which actually makes you dislike him.
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I was laid off by Twitter this week. I was behind such characters as "Russ In Cheshire", "Jim Felton", and that barrister who mercilessly clubbed a fox to death on Boxing Day whilst wearing only a kimono.
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Alex Turner looking like a character from Toast these days. Can imagine Matt Berry seeing him, narrowing his eyes and saying "Ken Topsoil".
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Succession characters as my car (thread)
Login Roy - been around the block and seen it all, making a rattling noise, basically dead, it's my 2009 Hyundai i10.
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It reminds me of when I was doing a pantomime at university and a very posh guy who'd been to private school etc. was asked to go out and buy some big bits of card for us to write "boo!" on. He came back two hours later and had spent ninety pounds.
Ireland spent €770,000 on their test and trace system - and it works. Our Govt spent £12bn - and it’s a disaster.
We’re being taken for fools.
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My favourite thing to do at the moment is to go on youtube and find footage of a producer playing a rapper a beat that is about to completely change their life.
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Please don't all leave Twitter. Everyone on Instagram is on holiday in Italy all the time. I don't understand it, but it's happening somehow. I can't afford to go to Italy every two weeks. I just can't!
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Lilt is short for Lilibet, which is short for Elizabeth - Queen Elizabeth II - it was her favourite drink, it was poured into her grave, this is treason.
BREAKING: Coca-Cola has announced plans to scrap Lilt after almost 50 years.
It'll be relaunched as Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit.
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Just got a black Shreddie in my bowl. I'm a marked man. Time to go off grid.
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I'm reading a lot of stuff about "listening to your body" but mine just says CHIPS CHIPS CHIPS CHIPS CHIPS?
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"If Wales were to become independent, how would we choose our head of state?"
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Finally someone is saying it. Tomatoes should only be available for two months a year.
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I've reviewed the Double Raspberry Magnum, just for you 👇👇👇
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If I was Kiki Dee I'd be Wagner Grouping my way to Glastonbury right now.
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Holy moly. A magazine asked a bunch of political people a light-hearted question about what got them through 2020 and this is what Dominic Raab said.
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@elisjames
Here you go El, if you're ever working away and Isy is missing the song, she can just listen to this.
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I'd just like to say to the pound, comparison is the thief of joy, don't base your value on how you're doing compared to others. You don't know how the dollar really feels, we just see a highlight reel x
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This is probably a bit much, but to me, in some respect, the BBC is a big part of what Britain is. Getting rid of it would be like getting rid of, I dunno, the navy.
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Just tried to eat a pizza and kept being bothered by a pigeon that turns out to be a racing pigeon and we've just reported its ring number to some sort of racing pigeon governing body and I feel so alive.
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On A level results day back in 2004, I walked into the school and while everyone else was given an envelope with their grades, I was given a beautiful horse, a glowing sword and a list of names. Turned out to be the best thing for me. There's not just one path ❤️
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When I first came up with the idea for a comedy movie about a guy with massive knees, my agent read it and didn't understand it. Two weeks later they dropped me.
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I would say that one of the biggest challenges in my admittedly easy life is that when I am introduced to someone new and they ask me what I do, I have to say that I make a podcast that is a sort of parody of a podcast for the beef industry.
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To everyone getting their knickers in their twist about this Roald Dahl thing, where were you in 1987 when they changed the title of The Twats?
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I've got to say I'm slightly surprised by the most recent TV ad from my energy provider.
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What a mad state of affairs. And what a good egg.
New episode out today! Featuring the actor
@TedDanson
🤯, the actor
@mrdavidreed
🦷, the actor
@sueharrison123
🎧, the actor
@NatashaHodgson
🤪, the actor
@markturetsky
🎙️ and the actor
@LinneaSage
🐭.
The loaves must be made.
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SUNAK: I looked at my cabinet and there wasn't a single person I was impressed by enough to make foreign sec. Of course I considered making do with someone but, well, you can put lipstick on a pig...
CAMERON: Oh yes. You can.
SUNAK: ...David?
CAMERON: *misty eyed* You really can.
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I don't want to lose contact with all the people I've met on Twitter so on 18th January 2023 I will be in the WH Smiths at Telford Services (junction 4, M54) between 4-5pm. See you there.
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Wondering what the new Double Sunlover Magnum is like? Luckily I've reviewed it for you. 👇
📷
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I'm in the TK Maxx danger zone. Close to buying this retirement home beige Pringle cardigan just because it's £301 off.
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Who remembers living with no central heating and instead there was a huge fire in the middle of a great hall, the smoke billowing up through a hole in the thatch, floating across the surrounding pastureland that was fought for and won by the blood of your forefathers?
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Today I released the 100th episode of
@beefanddairy
. That's an episode a month, every month, for over EIGHT YEARS. Mad. I still love making it. Thanks to everyone who listens and to everyone who has been on it.
Today we release your host's HUNDREDTH episode 💯💯💯
With thanks to Angela Merkel.
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Getting these tiles in my shower. Become ungovernable.
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So it turns out Andrew Tate does own teenage girls, but not in the way that he would want us to think.
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This week marks 7 years of making
@beefanddairy
. SEVEN! I've finally reached my goal of podcasting about beef for longer than the duration of the Seven Years' War. I would also like to acknowledge the contribution made by the Kingdom of Prussia.
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Just ploughed into a hotel breakfast in a way that will turn up on their balance sheet. I don't know if they'll come back from this.
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Them: Can you explain the gaps in your CV?
Me: Yes they're called "spaces" and if you hire me, I can show your staff how to use them between words and it's going to revolutionise your business.
Them: No we mean the period between 2007 and 2011.
Me: I was in prison for arson.
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New ice cream review: Häagen-Dazs Mango and Raspberry. 🍦🍦🍦
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Has anyone else read this bit of Keir Starmer's essay?
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To be fair if you replace your return key with a data breach key, it's only going to be a matter of time.
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It's counterintuitive but you should actually put the heating ON.
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We've entered a strange era where a granny can call in to Radio 2, talk about how much she's looking forward to watching Strictly and then request Firestarter by The Prodigy.
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I get the sense that the people working on the iPlayer have mentally clocked out for Christmas.
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Remember to take your id when you go to vote! Also your ego and superego. And between them all they'll work out who you want to vote for.
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Fellow podcasters! If you've never spent 3 hours trying to record a four part choral harmony version of Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor with each part only singing the word "beef" and then given up on it, wasting an entire evening of precious life, you aren't trying hard enough.
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When I was a kid a friend on my street had Sky and I used to like going over there and watching Clarissa Explains It All on Nickelodeon. What we have to understand is that Sunak never had it all explained to him by Clarissa, and that is why he is losing this election.
🚨 NEW: Rishi Sunak has said he had to "sacrifice all sorts of things" as a child
ITV: "Can you give me an example?"
Suank: "All sorts of things... like lots of people, all sorts of things... famously Sky TV"
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What isn't been reported is that Prince Andrew's military titles have been distributed randomly across UK citizens. I'm now Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada. Just zoomed them and they're out training in the snow with wraparound sunglasses on. Very smart.
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I don't have a young son but if I did he would only wear black boots, camo trousers, a leather biker jacket and a welding mask. And he's smoking under the welding mask. And yes he's armed.
“This is the boys section? Wow.”
They are pushing this agenda on our children. Wake up.
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Thing is, they've lost the game but tomorrow they can go to the DDR museum and sit in a Trabant.
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Selling something on Facebook marketplace is a great insight into the absolutely unhinged nature of the general public at large.
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It was only upon filming myself struggling through a Christmas carol that I realised that I pull a face like Santana ripping a gut-busting solo when I play the banjo.
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I think the global outpouring of joy and relief yesterday at Biden's victory really overshadowed just how monumentally funny the Four Seasons Total Landscaping thing was.
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I know I'm meant to love Strictly because it's so uplifting and pure but fundamentally it's ballroom dancing and you're all mad.
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Nice trip to London, but it is hard on the tube not to go up to unmasked people and say "SO YOU'RE FUCKING MAGIC ARE YOU?"
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The internet is amazing. Incredibly, I received an email out of the blue this morning from someone with a copy of a film made for BBC One in 1971 by my great uncle, the ethnographer Dr Arthur F Partridge. I'd never seen this before!
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Amazing to think that Andrew Tate is keeping a smartphone in his anus just to tweet stuff like this.
I was awoken last night by an icy chill
and identified a ghost in my prison cell
He was terrified and begged me not to annihilate him
I sent him back to hell with a message for the demons
I am always ready.
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When you marry Hancock, you've got to realise that you will never be enough for his rapacious appetite for posh women. A flash of wax jacket is like throwing steak to an Alsatian. Hancock has stallion blood. You can't hold back the tide. You can't stop lightning with your hand.
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I've just spent a month taking 48 separate trains across Europe without a hitch. Then I got as far as Bristol and it's a rail replacement bus to Cardiff.
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Next episode of
@beefanddairy
will be out tonight/tomorrow morning. If you're wondering what sort of episode it'll be, I'm currently trying to make the sound of a pig driving a golf cart through a greenhouse.
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If I had as much money as Nadhim Zahawi there's no way I'd be messing around with nonsense like being the chancellor of the exchequer, I'd be living on a Greek island eating nine octopuses a day, making a matchstick model of Cologne cathedral.
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I'd just like to add... I'm not eating premium sauce every day. Social media can so often be a highlights reel of people's lives and sure, I don't post on Twitter when I have normal sauce. Maybe I should. Something to mull over with those close to me. Look after yourself guys ❤️
My favourite sauce? I'd have to say, Premium Sauce.
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So they've got rid of the sexy green M&M but we've still got the fit AF Quaker Oats guy with his soft white hair and come to bed hat.
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Just buying a shoe horn online and Amazon tells me it's frequently bought alongside the Blu-ray of Oppenheimer.
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A poignant moment looking at this today, reflecting on my current activity lion and the fifteen activity lions who came before it. Can barely remember my first. ❤️
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Big Apprentice task vibes here.
Actually in awe of how grim this is. Fucking outstanding
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The one new year's resolution that I DID manage to keep in 2023 was reading more books. 🤓 Here's my list:
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Oh man if I won free energy bills on This Morning I'd be rinsing it hard. Ambient temperature of 38C. Fully naked at all times. Cooking in the tumble dryer.
#ThisMorning
has turned completely dystopian and Black Mirror by offering to pay energy bills as a competition prize.
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Nice to see Ronaldo appreciating his home contents insurance.
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20% off hot drinks at the
@soupdragoncafe
apart from mochas and hot chocolates.
What is the craziest thing that’s happened to you by creating content on the internet?
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This suggests that after Barbie, Sunak is taking his young children to watch Oppenheimer.
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I know this is an often-made point, but imagine the mood at Skype HQ these days. They absolutely fucked it.
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