Just ordered in a restaurant in Bulgaria and the waiter looked at me with real gravity and said "sir, you must know that this doesn't come with any sort of potato". I've never felt truly seen and supported like that before. Weeping.
As Rishi says, 30mph is a good British speed in that it embodies the good old fashioned British sense of fair play and healthy competition. Maybe the car will come out on top or maybe the cycling child will. At 20mph the child will usually live, which seems unfair on the car. 🇬🇧
The resulting side order of potatoes as large as the main dish has now left me bloated and sweating. Listless. Bilious. Experiencing deep corporeal distress. System-wide failure. BRING ON THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE.
Football songs
Wales: despite hundreds of years of oppression and existential challenges of different kinds, our spirit, culture and language still survive and will prevail forever.
England: This woman, Caroline, is absolutely brilliant.
The guy on the Madri bottle. You meet him at a wedding and you think he looks like a knob but then he's actually really nice and keeps saying "that's amazing buddy" when you tell him about your life which actually makes you dislike him.
I was laid off by Twitter this week. I was behind such characters as "Russ In Cheshire", "Jim Felton", and that barrister who mercilessly clubbed a fox to death on Boxing Day whilst wearing only a kimono.
Succession characters as my car (thread)
Login Roy - been around the block and seen it all, making a rattling noise, basically dead, it's my 2009 Hyundai i10.
It reminds me of when I was doing a pantomime at university and a very posh guy who'd been to private school etc. was asked to go out and buy some big bits of card for us to write "boo!" on. He came back two hours later and had spent ninety pounds.
My favourite thing to do at the moment is to go on youtube and find footage of a producer playing a rapper a beat that is about to completely change their life.
Please don't all leave Twitter. Everyone on Instagram is on holiday in Italy all the time. I don't understand it, but it's happening somehow. I can't afford to go to Italy every two weeks. I just can't!
Lilt is short for Lilibet, which is short for Elizabeth - Queen Elizabeth II - it was her favourite drink, it was poured into her grave, this is treason.
I'd just like to say to the pound, comparison is the thief of joy, don't base your value on how you're doing compared to others. You don't know how the dollar really feels, we just see a highlight reel x
This is probably a bit much, but to me, in some respect, the BBC is a big part of what Britain is. Getting rid of it would be like getting rid of, I dunno, the navy.
Just tried to eat a pizza and kept being bothered by a pigeon that turns out to be a racing pigeon and we've just reported its ring number to some sort of racing pigeon governing body and I feel so alive.
On A level results day back in 2004, I walked into the school and while everyone else was given an envelope with their grades, I was given a beautiful horse, a glowing sword and a list of names. Turned out to be the best thing for me. There's not just one path ❤️
When I first came up with the idea for a comedy movie about a guy with massive knees, my agent read it and didn't understand it. Two weeks later they dropped me.
I would say that one of the biggest challenges in my admittedly easy life is that when I am introduced to someone new and they ask me what I do, I have to say that I make a podcast that is a sort of parody of a podcast for the beef industry.
SUNAK: I looked at my cabinet and there wasn't a single person I was impressed by enough to make foreign sec. Of course I considered making do with someone but, well, you can put lipstick on a pig...
CAMERON: Oh yes. You can.
SUNAK: ...David?
CAMERON: *misty eyed* You really can.
I don't want to lose contact with all the people I've met on Twitter so on 18th January 2023 I will be in the WH Smiths at Telford Services (junction 4, M54) between 4-5pm. See you there.
Who remembers living with no central heating and instead there was a huge fire in the middle of a great hall, the smoke billowing up through a hole in the thatch, floating across the surrounding pastureland that was fought for and won by the blood of your forefathers?
Today I released the 100th episode of
@beefanddairy
. That's an episode a month, every month, for over EIGHT YEARS. Mad. I still love making it. Thanks to everyone who listens and to everyone who has been on it.
This week marks 7 years of making
@beefanddairy
. SEVEN! I've finally reached my goal of podcasting about beef for longer than the duration of the Seven Years' War. I would also like to acknowledge the contribution made by the Kingdom of Prussia.
Them: Can you explain the gaps in your CV?
Me: Yes they're called "spaces" and if you hire me, I can show your staff how to use them between words and it's going to revolutionise your business.
Them: No we mean the period between 2007 and 2011.
Me: I was in prison for arson.
We've entered a strange era where a granny can call in to Radio 2, talk about how much she's looking forward to watching Strictly and then request Firestarter by The Prodigy.
Fellow podcasters! If you've never spent 3 hours trying to record a four part choral harmony version of Albinoni's Adagio in G Minor with each part only singing the word "beef" and then given up on it, wasting an entire evening of precious life, you aren't trying hard enough.
When I was a kid a friend on my street had Sky and I used to like going over there and watching Clarissa Explains It All on Nickelodeon. What we have to understand is that Sunak never had it all explained to him by Clarissa, and that is why he is losing this election.
🚨 NEW: Rishi Sunak has said he had to "sacrifice all sorts of things" as a child
ITV: "Can you give me an example?"
Suank: "All sorts of things... like lots of people, all sorts of things... famously Sky TV"
What isn't been reported is that Prince Andrew's military titles have been distributed randomly across UK citizens. I'm now Colonel-in-Chief of the Royal Highland Fusiliers of Canada. Just zoomed them and they're out training in the snow with wraparound sunglasses on. Very smart.
I don't have a young son but if I did he would only wear black boots, camo trousers, a leather biker jacket and a welding mask. And he's smoking under the welding mask. And yes he's armed.
It was only upon filming myself struggling through a Christmas carol that I realised that I pull a face like Santana ripping a gut-busting solo when I play the banjo.
I think the global outpouring of joy and relief yesterday at Biden's victory really overshadowed just how monumentally funny the Four Seasons Total Landscaping thing was.
The internet is amazing. Incredibly, I received an email out of the blue this morning from someone with a copy of a film made for BBC One in 1971 by my great uncle, the ethnographer Dr Arthur F Partridge. I'd never seen this before!
I was awoken last night by an icy chill
and identified a ghost in my prison cell
He was terrified and begged me not to annihilate him
I sent him back to hell with a message for the demons
I am always ready.
This Shrove Tuesday instead of eating unhealthy pancakes I will be modernising the tradition and applying my
#grindset
to drink 125 litres of salted caramel Huel. More details over on my
#linkedin
When you marry Hancock, you've got to realise that you will never be enough for his rapacious appetite for posh women. A flash of wax jacket is like throwing steak to an Alsatian. Hancock has stallion blood. You can't hold back the tide. You can't stop lightning with your hand.
I've just spent a month taking 48 separate trains across Europe without a hitch. Then I got as far as Bristol and it's a rail replacement bus to Cardiff.
Next episode of
@beefanddairy
will be out tonight/tomorrow morning. If you're wondering what sort of episode it'll be, I'm currently trying to make the sound of a pig driving a golf cart through a greenhouse.
If I had as much money as Nadhim Zahawi there's no way I'd be messing around with nonsense like being the chancellor of the exchequer, I'd be living on a Greek island eating nine octopuses a day, making a matchstick model of Cologne cathedral.
I'd just like to add... I'm not eating premium sauce every day. Social media can so often be a highlights reel of people's lives and sure, I don't post on Twitter when I have normal sauce. Maybe I should. Something to mull over with those close to me. Look after yourself guys ❤️
A poignant moment looking at this today, reflecting on my current activity lion and the fifteen activity lions who came before it. Can barely remember my first. ❤️
Oh man if I won free energy bills on This Morning I'd be rinsing it hard. Ambient temperature of 38C. Fully naked at all times. Cooking in the tumble dryer.