Alison
@TradWife2049
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327
Statuses
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yayyyy! got to go home early from work (forever)
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Sydney Sweeney is very beautiful but they're honestly just not that big, which is fine and normal, but please stop calling them massive it's offensive to real big rig haulers
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You've just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You've loaded up RuneScape on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 41 years old. The year is 2024.
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14 y/o Neil deGrasse Tyson: you can't "stuff" me in that locker, the proportions of my body are too large to make such an act possible
Neil deGrasse Tyson critiques thumpers and sandworms in 'DUNE: PART TWO'.
"You can't thump sand, if you do this to sand [slams fist] nobody else is gonna hear it... they have the worm going straight fast, no that's not how physics work they gotta curl"
Source:
@colbertlateshow
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When Tracy Chapman sings Fast Car she's thinking about the inescapable suffering that loving others thrusts upon you
When Luke Combs sings Fast Car he's thinking about Lightning McQueen
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45 year old guy that's functionally disabled from doing 20 years of hard labor: it's disgusting that you sell your body
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Imagine being Travis Kelce and knowing that in 2-4 years the most commercially successful album of all time is going to be dedicated to calling you retarded
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me and my butch wife giving our miniature pug an artisan chew toy from the farmers market
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*jk rowling inventing the word muggle*
let's start strong with two g's in the middle
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me and my butch wife giving our miniature pug an artisan chew toy from the farmers market
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trans women are women because only a woman could think something this retarded would work
Dylan Mulvaney says she tried to ‘fix’ the Bud Light boycott by pitching ad where a cowboy and trans person share a beer
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wrong.
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I'm on paid administrative leave and I do not think they will be letting me back in the building
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If you think they're massive please come to Wisconsin and see the thangs truckers wives are pulling around out here
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I can not stop laughing about this photo, how on earth are you smaller than a jockey dude
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"I can not stop you from documenting proceedings but I'm going to leave the room this time"
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Eating a biscuit in one bite is oafish, while eating it in two bites creates a mess of crumbs. The only gentlemanly option is to kill yourself.
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Me: This guy's gonna run out of jest any minute
David Foster Wallace: 😏
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good morning everyone, picking through what seems to be the ruins of my life this morning, hope everyone has a good monday at work :)
Hi. This is Sarahs husband.
Sarah left her laptop open and I wanted to check the electricity bill for last quarter and I discovered this account and learned she has been posting her body online.
I am leaving tonight to stay with my mom, please unfollow her, this is not right.
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*looking visibly serious at the document in front of me*
me (thinking): wow my titties look great
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@danghentschel
they put tape there so you guys have a hard time getting children's genitals in
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@GeebMinister
no I took all of these without their permission and post them online for clout 👍
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I just left work early and my husband has not been answering calls so I'm just going to say what I need to say here.
Eric, you have been largely unemployed for 3 years. We were drowning in debt before I started and now you can afford your gundums.
Please come home.
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muting this
-yes she has great boobs
-yes they are very large relative for her frame
-no I am not hating
-no she could not pull an 18 wheeler through the sludge and snow to bring food to the isolated town of moquah wisconsin
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pivoting away from the niche it fills in the market, masterful ploy sir
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Between w*rk, my soon-to-be-ex-husband, the gundum from hell, and general chumpfuckery, this has been a cromulent fuckcrustable of a day. Ali needy drinky.
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to deny yourself high impact language (such as the r word) is to limit your human expression. fall into the trap of everyday use, and your sword becomes blunt.
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me and my friends would have beat that boy with bats until candy came out I can tell you that much
Halo-gravity traction is a technique to gently straighten the spine of children with severe scoliosis.
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@got1flipflop
they didn't fire me last week, I got put on leave. they also didn't fire me today but I will not get into the legal ongoings
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@yelhsanick
team r word is making a comeback in 2024, I don't even like using it but it fit my prose too perfectly sorry haters
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if I was unemployed for three years I probably would stop buying gundums and be thankful that my wife was putting food on the table
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@len0killer
if only there was some other account that posted other peoples jokes every 20 minutes
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call me anakin skywalker the way im fucking up these yeunglings
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when I realized men were going to call me a whore regardless of whether I took my clothes off for money, it made it a pretty easy decision to take my clothes off for money
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just got traumatized for life terrorizing brown people gonna relax by taking a goth bitch to panera bread
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@Asmongold
you should be less worried about students being blocked from going to class and more worried about the various discarded dr pepper containers blocking your escape route in case of a fire
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I will be filing for full custody of the gundums since I paid for 85% of them
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Hi. This is Sarahs husband.
Sarah left her laptop open and I wanted to check the electricity bill for last quarter and I discovered this account and learned she has been posting her body online.
I am leaving tonight to stay with my mom, please unfollow her, this is not right.
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I think the algorithm is boosting beautiful women so unfortunately for everyone I'm going to be posting hip
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129k likes for "are men sentient?"
does male yearning exist? do guys wait for girls to reply? do they think of them often during the day?
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the cure to male loneliness is to be a chill guy that people want to hang out with
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guys will be like "gender affirming care what a load of shit"
and then go to Turkey for a hair transplant
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realizing they made this guy disown his best friend to be the Minecraft movie
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mrs pacman lowkey be looking like a girl pacman
There are SO MANY parallels between dune 1 and dune 2 it’s incredible, whole movie had me like
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to the people suggesting they're bigger than mine,
would you spit in the face of God's design by referring to a mountain as a hill?
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the government is passing legislation to take my ipad away as we speak
is it insane to photoshop your big rig haulers onto Lord of the Rings characters?
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you guys should check out my new film "THERAPISTS"
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if you drew a picture of this man I would think you were attempting to be antisemitic
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*pic of my egregiously fat ass*
yeah, you could say I'm a back end developer
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You've just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You've loaded up RuneScape on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don't care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 41 years old. The year is 2024.
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t-rex: holy shit that meteor is coming right for us!!
the brachiosaurus:
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might log into my comfort game and forget about the world for 5 hours
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a lot of people telling me to stop posting but like, posting is my second job and I don't know if you have seen this but I might have some financial obligations.
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extremely funny to find I have been removed from the fantasy football league my husband and I were in together
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@InternetH0F
I love opening twitter and watching people get seriously injured thank you so much
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if you are 19 and message me I will coordinate a drone strike on your place of residence
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@libsoftiktok
It's pretty verifiable that they're still actively present in their child's life so I'm not sure what you're referring to
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this is like when me and my ex husband went to outback steakhouse and he thought the bloomin onion was too spicy and I had to order him "a glass of milk"
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it's so fun when people think the tradwife part is sincere
I get my hooters out online and love corn syrup
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