Rod Stewart’s Jubliee Kick
@SaintMichael293
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Lethal with a tea towel.
Nottingham, England
Joined May 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Last night my best mate decided that she’d taught me what love was and it was my time to fly solo. I have thousands of photos but this clip was the happiest I’d ever seen her. Love you Kaci, thank you xx
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I tend to just talk shit on here but seeing the
#NotAllMen
rear it’s head around the Sarah Everard story is pathetic. Everyone knows it’s not all of us but it pretty much always is one of us. Now’s not the time to be looking for praise for not abducting someone, fucking weirdos.
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A Woman just put her driving licence in the ballot box.
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Just stood in dog piss in Tesco express. Teach me for laughing I suppose
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Dear
@Apple
can you remove ducking from predictive text please. Many thanks, Everyone in the world.
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To the women out there who like a bad boy, just want to say I’ve never pre heated an oven in my life.
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Got divorced today and just got the sweetest text from my ex, we’re going out soon to ‘celebrate’ it. Not sure we are doing this right, but it’s bloody adorable all the same.
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I'm not to proud to admit I am shit at wrapping presents.
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@Shush_now
No need to thank me but I appreciate the offer. One thing I’ve noticed tonight is that although not all men are guilty, all women have been victims. Take care
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@crapolatombola
@MrLloydSpandex
I’ll start following in the week. Seems a little weird starting now.
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Picking a side between Sharon Osborne and Amanda Holden is like choosing which knee you want to be shot in.
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Did badly in your GCSEs and feel a bit pissed off about it? Well hopefully an afternoon spent on social media reading middle aged people patronising the shit out of you should soften the blow.
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@deathofbuckley
This also isn’t new. I’m ancient and remember a tooth brushing lesson, 2 mins when you’re 7 goes on forever.
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My daughter drew this, I’ve decided to show it off as I’m quite proud tbqhwy.
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I know politicians lie but going from being told we are getting £350m a week for the NHS to actually getting Maureen at no 72 twatting a saucepan with wooden spoon leaves me feeling a little short changed tbqhwy.
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If your first thought as a bloke is to sulk and go “yeah, but what about…” on hearing about the death of 3 women in a family instead of just listening and being horrified. Maybe get some help.
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Moved in this gaff a year ago today. Look at what I’ve done aren’t I brilliant?
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“Can I get you anything mate?”
Homeless legend “2 steak bakes, a sausage roll, a caramel latte and you can surprise me with something sweet”
Doffs cap
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@tinytwink
Said to a girl on a night out “u ok” she said “yes” I replied saying she looked sad, she assured me she wasn’t and gave me a little smile, I drunkenly went on to say you can do better than that. “I can’t she said I have Bell’s palsy half of my face doesn’t move”
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Daughter drew me a picture of my dead dog, I cried in a restaurant 😎
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Barber just asked me what I do for a living, I told him and then proceeded to ask him what he did.
Twat.
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@tinytwink
When I win the lottery I’m going to be a fleet of shit heap cars then spend my days parking behind people like this and then walk home. I understand others may think there’s better ways to spend your millions but this the dream for me.
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I’m on my own Xmas day (don’t worry I’m fine with it). If anyone else is in the same boat and feels a bit bored or lonely please feel free to dm me for a chat, you won’t be disturbing me from anything. Tbh you can do it anytime of the year and you wouldn’t be disturbing much.
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@Hopenlesmyth
@MoggieMeow
Happy Birthday Ollie for Kaci (not a Dalmatian but black and white) have a great day!!!!
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In Oct I’m going to my mates 40th, me and 5 women. So far Ive been told what time we are setting off, where we are eating Fri and Sat night, where we are going after dinner Sat (Friday we are drinking in the flat) and what I need to buy food wise. Is this normal for girl events?
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That first afternoon when you land somewhere, sit round a table in the sun having a few drinks with a good group of mates, waste a few hours laughing and reminiscing over stories of previous piss ups and stuff....... could well do with that right now.
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Mum making me a cup of tea
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Lost my wallet like a div on Friday night, just found this in my postbox. If I can find the person who did it I’d like to donate to a charity of their choice or something
@nottslive
@MyNottingham
@rescuerooms
#nottingham
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Gladstone Brooks
There you are go, have that in your head for the rest of your life, don’t say I never give you anything.
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Weird how Jacob Rees Mogg is 8 years older than me but was born 150 years earlier than me.
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100% Guaranteed this fella wears red trousers and refers to women as Fillies.
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Do kids get left in cars anymore? When I was little Mum would head off to the shop leaving me and my brother to piss about in the car. When she returned was anyone’s guess. Pretty sure one time she went on a mini break.
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@LMAsaysno
Lee put that sign up himself, you’re in choppy waters when him and the lads are in town.
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Daughter just left. First time we’ve had just a Dad and Daughter day in 3 years. Feeling blessed. As you were.
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When my ex and I split a bloke she knew asked her out she said no, there began an 18 month slog that we’ve been trying to sort out. I say we, my bit has been negligible compared to hers obvs. He’s just been found guilty of stalking and harassment. Well proud of her.
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Lost my phone in the Casino Friday, went to reception to ask if it had been found
“what’s the screensaver?”
“It’s Mike Tyson in his pants walking his tiger”
“Yeah I’ve got it”
And that is why I don’t have a picture of my kid. He would’ve had no idea what she looks like.
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@RoylePin
Tweet if the week this early on a Monday, fantastic effort, feet up for the rest of the day, your work is done A+ etc
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Little know fact. There are more Barber shop quartets in the world than there are people who want to listen to them.
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@v5kag
@seeyouatthebar
I can never really understand but the fact I was on the phone to someone just last week who was being followed at the time scared me and I was 150 miles away. I was naive for many years but in the last year since being single and dating I’ve heard some horror stories. Take care.
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Bowling about looking like a ragamuffin, but what no one knows is I’m listening “let the music play” Barry White. Must be how those blokes feel when they wear their wife’s pants to work.
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@Carl_Froch
@TRobinsonNewEra
I’m 47 and can’t think of a single freedom I’ve had taken away, other than freedom of movement.
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Woman booking my car in took my key and said “ ok I love you” then quickly followed up with”I mean have a lovely day”
Sorry, I’m going to have to take your first answer.
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Mum, Dad, Brother and his Wife all going on a cruise today. For the love God that boat better stay afloat because I am shit at admin.
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A month or so ago I was in the pub when my ex called to say my Dog had passed away. Despite wearing shades two women on the next table saw I was upset and invited me to sit with them. They now invited me out with them this weekend. Bloody nice that innit?
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Reminder of last years Valentines Day ❤️
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@PreAnnoyed
@AaronRHanlon
This really isn’t it. I like Americans myself but trust me, this take is so far off the mark you wouldn’t believe.
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@Rob_Waghorn
Be stupid to do something like that. Anyway can’t talk now as I’ve got to go pick baby Nemer up from the childminders.
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TANTRUMP!
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Not hugged my daughter in over a year. She just FaceTimed me with her Uni mates. I am content
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Met my daughter from the first time 24 years ago today. What an enormous source of pride she’s been ever since.
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Just walked down my pitch black hallway straight into the airer that had a white duvet cover over it. I genuinely, hand on heart thought it was a ghost. Turns out if I see a ghost I say “Fucking Jesus prick”
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#NationalPetDay
my pet isn’t here anymore. Daft really as she didn’t even have twitter when she was alive. In truth I’m doing this for me as I miss her.
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Seb was the only fan we all knew even if we had never met him. That is testimony to the man. The Valley will never quite be the same again. RIP
@SebLewis81
#cafc
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No, thank you for being such a lovely friend to me.
Feel free to rattle my kitchen drawers anytime you’re bored.
Until next time, love you always xx
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Seeing my Daughter today for the first time in about 20 months. If that app pings the phones going in the bin.
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@Parsnip66
Carry on like this and I’ll be sitting next to him soon. Infact I was outside tesco express chatting to a guy once and someone came out and gave us both a sandwich, I was in my going out clothes, cheeky bastard
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No one is surprised Greg Wallace is a prick though are they?
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Yesterday I discovered my Mum thought then when there is a bench with an ‘In Memory’ plague it was because someone had died at that spot. All I can think now is why did she’d suggest us walking around a lake that had clearly seen so much misery in recent years.
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Right off to *bed
*look at my phone in a different room
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My Brother just got this but I’m still delighted with my dressing gown so it’s fine.
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23 years ago today, I was 23 years old, it’s a gloriously sunny day and you could still get Walkers Beef & Onion in Hospital vending machines. My daughter was born. I must’ve nailed 12 packs that day.
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@ourrachblogs
@ScottRuth
He’s something else. He definitely put that point across to Judy last night and she replied with “oh Richard what are you on about now” whilst furiously pissing about with her necklace
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Visiting Daughter at uni and heading out with her and her mates and just had to have a quiet word and say “if I embarrass you tonight just tell me and I’ll reign it in”. I swear this is the wrong way round.
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@pam_doove
@Sean_Campsie
The ending is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Like trying to slam a door that has one of those door closers attached
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21 today. Pretty mad really as she only looks about 3. Happy Birthday kid, the last 21 years have been my proudest. Love you x
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@jsaywardjones
@ThePuntersPage
I'm more impressed you know the dates. I don't even remember what year I met mine.
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❤️Turns out I did get something in the post today ❤️
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@bbc5live
@BBCSounds
I’m not condoning what he said but Chris saying “you slid into my dms, I’m used to seeing girls in there but not used to seeing guys there” seems to have gone under the radar. I could be wrong but that comes across a bit wrong too imo.
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People who write ‘Gate in constant use’ are liars
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@sarajcox
When people get handed a mug and never use the handle. I’ve even tested how long can hold tea for with using the handle, I’m generally under 2 secs whereas Gayle Tisley can hang onto a mug for hours.
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@alexandrakuri
I’m desperate for a new sofa but can’t get rid of this one because of these scratches that my dog left behind to remind of her.
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Just said “big love” to Amazon bloke as he left.
No, I don’t know either
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@ourrachblogs
When I think of my Sister it’s always the time she punched a leaf whilst walking past a tree on holiday, she didn’t know I was watching and it’s one of my favourite images.
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Just watching this
#SheridanSmith
programme, is it real or a like an office fake documentary comedy thing? Because it’s bloody hilarious.
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Just been drinking Old Fashioneds with my daughter. I win twitter today (shove your X up your bottle Elon)
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Left the WhatsApp group. It’s too much
In Oct I’m going to my mates 40th, me and 5 women. So far Ive been told what time we are setting off, where we are eating Fri and Sat night, where we are going after dinner Sat (Friday we are drinking in the flat) and what I need to buy food wise. Is this normal for girl events?
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Yesterday there was a massive pet sized spider in here, so I let him outside, he had the look of someone who wasn’t accepting that. Swear I’ve just seen him back, gave him a nod as if to say fairplay before he wandered under the sofa I’m on. We live together now it.
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Im all for isolating but then forget thats what we are all doing and so make plans in my head for next weekend. It’s like when you keep trying to turn lights on during a powercut, but shitter.
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Just fitted my new interactive art installation. In other news the Mid life crisis is happily ticking along.
(If you have opinions on drinks I don’t care. I’m a quantity over quality type of drinker).
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