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@tinytwink
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Pinned Tweet
Chloe 18... Mum, did lads used to send you dick pics when you were a teenager?
Me... Oh yeah, loads. They used to take a pic of their bits, nip down Boots, wait a week for it to be developed, catch the bus back to pick it up then fetch it to the Youthy on a Friday to show me.
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Ten years I have been on twitter, and this absolutely, hands down beats every single ridiculous reply I have ever had to a tweet.
Well done, Kerry.
@tinytwink
And in the mean time Thomas Cook has gone bust and 22,000 people are now jobless. Hope you find the right outfit though.
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Had a bad day?
Life getting you down a bit?
Take a look at my 4yr olds picture of a horse.
You're welcome.
.
http://t.co/pbaZVFXnE5
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@ShawKerryshaw41
This is quite literally the most ridiculous response to a tweet I have ever read.
I’m unsure at what point you think I’m responsible for the collapse of Thomas Cook, and what on earth made you connect my tweet with it.
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My Asda food shop was £137 this week.
I shall break this down.
£37 of actual food.
1 gluten free loaf of bread
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Been waiting for a planter of bulbs to grow for 3 months.
Just found the bulbs in the garage.
I’ve been watering a pot of soil since April.
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My husband has suffered from depression and anxiety for about 6 years now (probably longer)
He’s pretty good now but as you know there’s still sometimes a rubbish day.
Today was one of those days.
Just got home and Ellie Age 11 has put this next to his bed.
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Wish this satsuma a good day as he sets off on his fourth trip to school and back in a 10yr olds lunch box.
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Being married is weird, isn’t it?
My husband would give me a kidney if I needed one, but won’t walk into the kitchen to fetch me some crisps.
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Why do the clocks have to go forward in the middle of the night, when we get absolutely no benefit from this?
I mean would it do any harm to wait till the nearest Monday then just shove it forward an hour at about 3pm?
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Funny how Aldi shelves are fully stocked and Waitrose and Sainsburys are empty.
It’s almost like poorer people aren’t selfish bastards.
How odd.
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@steveohrourke
How have you found someone else to share a bed with who is also happy with these shenanigans?? The only reason I’m still with my husband is because I fear a future partner might want my side of the bed.
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I am kissing this guy today because he is old and tired and you know when it’s nearly time to say goodbye.
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Hi at
@parkinn
this may be quite long, but I just wanted to publicly review my recent stay.
I’d like to start this with a simple question.
Are you sniffing glue?
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Please do not bang a pan for us tonight.
Just stop having your mates round, wash your hands and wear a bloody mask!
(Not under your nose)
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Yes, Reno.
This is exactly how a vagina works.
I’ve had 4 kids.
On a windy day, I just take off like a kite.
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Sat in McDonald’s with Ellie and her mate.
Ellie looks around and says ‘imagine if you could have your birthday party in McDonalds and everyone got chicken nugs and a party bag. That’d be ace’
I did not respond due to me dying of old age.
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'How do babies get in your belly?'
Well, Daddy's erm..Put special seeds in there
'Do you eat them?'
No love, not unless we need new shoes
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I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea and I forgot to take a picture and tell Facebook.
Absolute waste of a fiver that
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Does anyone else just sit in their car in the super market carpark for a bit, just because it’s quiet?
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One of my residents loves making things. She had a stroke last year and finds it difficult now as her left hand doesn’t work as well as it used to.
I have just got into work to find this on my desk ❤️
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Just given my son and his girlfriend a surprise trip to New York for his 21st.
(But going next year)
There were tears
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Got a call at 5pm.
My last two resident swabs were NEGATIVE.
This means we are now Corona freeee!!
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My husband has had 7 pints. Apparently he’s going upstairs to wait for me.
I’ve made a sandwich, because the amount of time it takes to eat this is approximately how long it will take him to nod off whilst still wearing his socks.
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Hamish is just having a think about his terrible day.
Earlier he was in the kitchen by himself minding his own business, when my freshly cooked gammon joint fell off the work top and landed in his mouth whilst he was yawning.
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Twitter is a lovely place.
@Pandamoanimum
and
@twoodle_05
have made me cry.
Thank you SO much ❤️
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All swab results back.
Every resident and every staff member is negative right now.
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Spent 4 hours filling in all the paperwork today.
This time next week my whole Nursing Home will have been vaccinated.
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How the fuck is any woman over 40 supposed to know if she has a temperature? I’ve been too warm for 3 years ffs
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And that’s it. Done.
Get every kid through Primary School without them getting expelled .... level complete.
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Megan ... My mate’s boyfriend has got syphilis. It’s so bad
Me... Jesus! That’s not good.
Megan... Yeah, it’s all over his hands and arms. Really sore.
Me....
Megan...
Me...
Megan...
Me... You mean psoriasis, don’t you?
Megan... Yeah, that’s it.
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The twins are in Crete with their dad.
I enquired about their holiday...
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I’m fat and he’s got a spine made of weetabix.
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As I sang ‘You are my sunshine’ today with my residents and watched them remember every single word, despite some of them not being able to remember anything else or even speak in full sentences....
I thought to myself, in 40 years, this will be me.... but with Ice Ice Baby.
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All my old ladies are sat waiting for the school children to come and sing Christmas carols.
As I came out of the loo I heard my 104yr old lady say ‘This is the best day. When all their little faces come round that corner, it makes me feel young again’
I’m not crying.
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Both twins have passed their Anatomy and Physiology exams and are definitely off to Uni to do Adult Nursing.
Well done
@Twinnumbertwo02
@Twinnumberone02
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@mrnickharvey
Almost being made homeless and at the very last moment and mean with hours to spare, a friend I made through Twitter bought my house from my landlord so we could continue living here.
I will forever be thankful and have no idea how to repay them.
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Hi.
I have a new landlord and I can stay in my house with my dogs for as long as I like!
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I’d like to see Fiona fucking Bruce swabbing 62 people with advanced Dementia.
On her 4th 12hr shift in a row.
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12yr old daughter... What's UKIP?
15yr old Son... BNP but with brogues instead of skinheads.
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I ❤️ old people.
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Listening to my husband mumble to himself as he is doing the washing and drying.
He lives in a house with 4 females..
‘Knickers, knickers, more knickers. This is literally all knickers. How do they wear all these knickers? It’s not possible. Oh, look! More fucking knickers’
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If it’s 2 meters outside the supermarket, it’s 2 meters inside.
You bunch of fuck wands.
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How is your Friday going?
I have just sent an Email to 27 people higher than me, that is very clearly titled ‘Shit patterns’ rather than ‘Shift patterns.
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One of my residents has been outside for the first time in 18 months today.
He is usually reluctant to go, but with encouragement from the carers he decided to go out.
He came to see me after to say thank you and tell me he had had the best time and had picked me a flower.
❤️
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I really do want Oasis tickets, but in the last 30 years my tolerance of people, crowds and being out of my house after 7pm has reached almost zero.
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How at 42 years old can I still be surprised by my period and go ‘ohhhh so THAT’S why I’ve spent the last 48hrs wearing a dressing gown and crying’
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Just had confirmation that I got the job and now have ‘Director’ in my title.
I am so excited I made a noise a bit like a dog when you stand on its paw.
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My mother in law has just found a list I sent with Ellie when she was looking after her for the weekend and it is AMAZING.
Ellie would have been about 2 I think.
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Me and Liam monitor Ellie’s online accounts.
Liam has just been through her phone.
A girl at school had been messaging her, getting a little bit too sassy. Looking for a fight.
Ellie has corrected all her spelling and grammar and sent it back.
She’s ready for Twitter.
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The twins move to uni next Sunday.
I’m quite upset about this.
Mainly because I’ll lose two lots of child benefit at once.
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As I drove up the bypass this morning, the streetlights switched off one by one as I went past.
I felt like Dumbledore
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Blown away by this donation by a stranger for my memory care unit.
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Walked through the lounge at work and said ‘Alexa, play a long and trumpety fart’
The residents found it hilarious.
They are still there asking her for more fart sounds.
Proving you are never too old to find a fart funny
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Just off to dye my hair, and the door frames, grout, ears, bit of the bath, a white bath mat and 4 towels.
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Both twins have been offered a place at Leeds Uni to do Adult Nursing
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Some poor person is hanging off the M62 bridge contemplating taking their own life.
Mandy from Halifax is ‘proper fewmin coz Princess will be well late for skool’
Fuck off, Mandy.
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One of my friends has a new man.
We were texting about him yesterday.
I stalked him on Facebook.
All the stuff mates do.
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Going on a big snack and treat shop for my wonderful team of carers who don’t work for the NHS but are still fighting the fight 24hrs a day to keep our residents safe and well.
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Lockdown/ no school/ no mates has hit Ellie hard.
Very proud of this text to one of her mates though.
She screen shot it to ask me if she had given the right advice.
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You know it’s half term when your dog casually walks past wearing a cardigan and bat wings.
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‘I am so glad we have left school and no longer have to wear a uniform. Such an awful concept that all students should look the same. It supresses our individuality and ability to express ourselves.’
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Me and Hamish have comprimised over his new bed.
I will pay £80 to provide said comfotable sleeping area.
Hamish shall touch it gently with his toe.
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The face of a very good boy who has just eaten his first full bowl of dog food in 2 weeks 👌
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When did prosecco become a thing? In my day it was called Lambrini and you drank it if you were skint or a bit of a slag.
Or in my case... both.
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Anyone else a personal door attendant so their dog can stand half in, half out just sniffing the air?
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Got a full set of greens in my inspection and these waiting in my room from my bosses when I got back 👌
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Slowly getting sorted for Christmas in the Nursing home.
I have the best team and local community.
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Husband got up for a wee at 4am, which woke me up.
We then had a 5 minute conversation about how comfy the bed was and how good it was that it was only 4am and we had another 2hrs of sleep.
This is marriage and old age, kids.
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Home from work.
Work phone off.
Laptop off.
Pyjamas on.
Cheese selection piled on a plate.
Merry Christmas 👍
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Without saying a word, I very calmly walked to the back door, opened it and threw EVERY FUCKING PAN OVER THE FENCE.
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The Playlist went…
1, Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
2, The Killers - Mr Brightside
3, Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
4, Oasis - Wonderwall
5, Arctic Monkeys - I bet you look good on the dance floor.
OLD
PEOPLE
MUSIC
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My Sister’s new man writes ‘are’ instead of ‘our’
I would have a zero tolerance policy on this sort of shit.
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Me... I’m nipping to morrisons, you want owt?
Husband... Other day, what did I say I hadn’t had for ages?
Me... can’t remember now.
Twins... Fanny?
*both fall about laughing*
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Hi, I’m Roland from Halifax. In my spare time I like staring at biscuits.
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I’m in the cinema with the kids and the woman behind me is on face time.
On loud.
I’m typing this so she can read it over my shoulder and find out she is 10 seconds away from me ripping her phone from her hands and lobbing it 15 rows away.
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Currently trying to work whilst everything looks like this.
I have never seen a more accurate representation of migraine aura.
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