FOGHAT STAN
@MikeMacRaeMike
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Let's Be Real on FOX, Our Cartoon President on Showtime, The Jimmy Dore Show, DC Universe Online, Howard Stern Inquiries: jessica @colliertalent .com
Austin, TX
Joined May 2010
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People who tweet things like "welp I guess 32 is the age where every part of your body just constantly is in pain for no reason": you need an MRI
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It's someone's job to pixelate dead Loch Ness Monster dick.
Mysterious 'sea creature' discovered on Wolf Island beach in South Georgia
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I can’t say much about the inscrutably hilarious Brody Stevens that hasn’t already been expressed. Except that in 2001 he said the greatest thing to a tv taping audience that has ever been said. Hero/genius:
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Life in the Middle Ages sounds miserable except for how you literally never had to confront what you looked like unless you walked by a pond or something
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Sorry but if you’re 53 and look like that you should just get to do those things
Naked Florida woman, 53, Tasered, charged with aggravated battery on law enforcement and felony criminal mischief after wrecking Outback Steak House and Moji Grill in Ocala
#BecauseFlorida
:
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we did it
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This is real and I took this and I’m going to keep it for the next time I catch myself bitching about how something is too hard
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Dear repliers: if you have actual health problems, do not have a cush life, and do not think that constant aches are just part of a human body turning 32, this tweet is not about you.
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Slash picked a look so specific that he can just pass it along when he retires so there always be a Slash for hundreds of years like the Dalai Lama
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I met
@jimmy_dore
about 17 years ago doing stand-up. I'm proud of the comedy we make together and I'm proud to be a part of his show.
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About to re-canvas the neighborhood to find out who the fuck gave my son a bag of Cheetos
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Sadly, getting mad at beverages is largely what this country was founded on
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@kathbarbadoro
I think our culture has a lot of silly notions about youth and aging that make some people in their 30s feel the need to pretend to be ancient and decrepit
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Knowing the second verse to any Christmas carol is some serial killer shit
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What if "I blew it" is referring to Vietnam
‘I’ll Admit I Blew It’: Michael Richards Talks Kramer, Vietnam, and That Racist Outburst
Interview:
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Bill Fucking O'Reilly helmed your network for 20 years
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RIP Herman Cain. You were my favorite voice to do on the
@jimmy_dore
show. And instead of allowing me to get canceled for doing a non-white character, you died. Absolute legend.
#pizza
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Starting to make sense that the central, most unifying symbol of Texas is a building where every single Texan was killed
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The ire aimed at Michele Wolf can be best understood in these terms: wealthy white people purchased something, were dissatisfied with its performance, BUT THERE IS NO MANAGER TO DEMAND TO SPEAK TO
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Did it ever occur to you bozos that these are actually real people and they didn't show up because they were simply embarrassed about their names? HELLO?!
#OccamsRazor
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Wish You Weren't Here
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Often find myself thinking about Gen-X icon Megan Jasper, the young record rep who fielded a call from the NYT about grunge in 1992, gave them a bunch of fake lingo just to f with them, which was subsequently was published as real. And we ALL read it.
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@ElSangito
@JayElHarris
Well those would be reasons. My tweet said "no reason". If I'm making fun of anyone, it's people who feel the need to pretend to be ancient and decrepit because they're in their early 30s, which I *do* see on here, not people who are genuinely fucked by the system (also real!)
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I just realized that a legit alternative to me losing weight is everybody else gaining weight
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Somebody in my building reported me for scary sounding yelling coming from my unit Wednesday at 7 pm. This morning I realized they had heard me doing Al Pacino on
@jimmy_dore
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It is profoundly embarrassing how things are marketed to men
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If we invade Venezuela bc a UCB comic wrote a piece for The NY Times I am joining ISIS
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Looks like I'm gonna have to write more Joe Biden sketches for
@jimmy_dore
but the good news is I can just plagiarize them
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Tfw you learn Harriet Tubman is replacing you on the $20 live on national television
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@_chrisgarcia
Maron at the Houston Laff Stop. Got into it with a Christian audience member who later went to ladies room. Knowing that the audio was fed into bathroom, started directing his act towards her specifically. "KAREN THIS IS THE DEVIL TOUCH YOURSELF" (1/2)
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Any time you get angrily called a ��so-called comedian” you know you said some funny shit
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This mom is yelling at her kid loudly in Russian at this playground and damn why did we ever think we could fuck with these people
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"My brudders, Posseiden and Haydis, dey drive me crazy and give me a headache all de time. I'm so medd I'm gunta trow lightning at dis random pewson. AHHH!!"
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@MeganBitchell
I Regret Having Children and Put Our Dog Down Because It Wouldn't Stop Barking. Here's Why.
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Thank you all so much for the shares, I really appreciate it! Here is the link to YouTube where you can watch this and all my other celebrity quarantine videos:
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none of these names can possibly be real
‘The Witcher’ Recasts Eskel Role With Basil Eidenbenz For Season 2 After Thue Ersted Rasmussen Exits Netflix Series
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Humana refused to pay for my son’s treatment bc we had “other insurance.” We most certainly did not. After much wrangling they finally discovered that they had forgotten to cancel our previous year’s plan.
Them.
They were carrying the “other insurance.”
Buttigieg: “I trust you to figure out your own health care.”
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Until
@CartoonPres
returns on
@Showtime
, here is a Quarantine Message from Sen. Mitt Romney:
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Brad Pitt reveals to George Clooney that he doesn't fully understand what a practical joke is:
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Dude you would have surrendered to Santa Anna at the absolute first opportunity and then invited him to fuck your wife
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I realize that people ask "OMG WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE DOGS" rhetorically, but I love that the literal answer is "we fed trash to wolves 50,000 years ago"
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@_chrisgarcia
Remarking how long it took for her to come back into the showroom he said "she's trying to figure out why she just came" Lost the crowd, I started cackling maniacally, he said "you know you've gone off the rails when the only one laughing is the local comic"
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I know this isn't really important at all but I want an American president with a dog and I want to know that dog's name and occasionally what it's up to
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VERY BAD TIMING, VAL KILMER
Back by popular demand, Top Gun's Iceman "Cool As Ice" t-shirt! Now in 3 colors with the "Official Kilmer Propaganda" label on back. SUMMER discount coupon applies until tomorrow midnight. Stay cool all!
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Scott is going to be the first human in history to be dumped by his sex robot
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Guys I think we should let this fascism just happen because if Germany is any indication in 80 years we'll get to have a president who is a woman and also a scientist. Frankly I don't see that happening otherwise.
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I ate half a cookie last night and saved the other half for tonight. This is honestly making me think I could do heroin and handle it.
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My ancestors did not fight and die in a war against the Confederacy so that 160 years later Southern senators could get away with not tipping their sex workers
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sometimes I don't like taking a shower because its like entering a portal into the part of the day where you have to actually do shit
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OH SNAP! Dr. Anthony Fauci calls into the
@jimmy_dore
and talks straight about what is *really* going on. Very helpful information. Unfortunately Jimmy is really disrespectful and keeps laughing.
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Pretty wild that the cops would rather do this every night - "Groundhog Day" style - than surrender one ounce of their power or impunity.
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I'm sorry about the workers losing all that revenue, I truly am. But don't act like we're not allowed to joke about SXSW. The thing that had Snoop Dogg rapping on top of a four-story Doritos vending machine is not a sacred cow.
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Laughing at the people on here who think they have heard Jimmy Dore truly yell.
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THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU, DUDE
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If you think it's cringey for a man to call his son "my beautiful boy" that's fine I guess but please do not have children
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We need to stop telling our girls that they can't pull ancient swords from Cornish lakes, thereby fulfilling ancient Celtic prophecies
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If this dude is actually a good guy in real life he is legit the best actor of all time
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I accidentally grabbed curry powder instead of cinnamon so I am trying to deal with this horrifying oatmeal situation by pretending I'm at a super trendy brunch place.
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something happened up there
I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, diverting myself in now & then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.🚀
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I will personally see to it that a war with Iran does not happen.
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A non-disingenuous Christmas message from Kevin Spacey
(maybe don’t watch if you are seriously depressed right now)
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imagine having to devise this plan. literally a genocide survival strategy.
A father in
#Gaza
: “I did the strangest thing today - I exchanged my children with my brother’s. I took two of his children, and gave him two of mine. So in case I get bombed, one of mine will survive & if he gets bombed, one of his will live on.” 💔😭
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My grandparents saw three US presidents die in office and I've seen zero, this is bullshit
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Here's the rules: whoever guillotines Bezos gets all his money. That person; it's all theirs. But then they have 48 hours to do like a Brewster's Billions thing or they in turn get guillotined for being a billionaire, and so on and so on
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Lol there’s a couple at this restaurant having a dumb conversation, they’re not nearly as cool as me, here all alone and tweeting about strangers
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For reasons I won't get into I was added to a facebook group dedicated to spotting and reporting chemtrails. Then a member spotted a chemtrail in the background of an episode of "Little House on the Prairie" and people went absolutely bananas (1/x)
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As sweet as you may be, someday somebody will show up to replace you.
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Jordan Peterson talking about masculinity with that voice/accent and then crying all the time is the greatest bit ever performed. He is a genius.
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BUYING KID'S TOYS ONLINE? FUCK YOU
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holy shit they are going to kill her with a giant boulder in her jail cell
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66 children. Mayyyyyyyybe we should shut da fuck up about our little drone
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uh Romans put it there
A Roman slab was found in a garden in England. How it got there is a "complete mystery."
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$600 is pretty chintzy considering the US government could also pay every citizen with a piece of obsolete military hardware that cost like $175,000
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The person who has yelled at me the most violently in my life for making an honest mistake (walking through a door I was not supposed to) was Whitney Cummings
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When you want peas but also want to feel kinda weird about wanting peas
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when you don't know what "feral" or "succubus" means
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I saw a car with the bumper sticker "my dog is a democrat" which makes sense because you can pretend to throw a ball and a dog will chase it like 8 times in a row before it even has an inkling that it's being screwed with
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Omg I was just attacked by two neckbeards who put a hammer and sickle around my neck, dumped IPA on me and yelled “this is Bernie country!” this 100% happened
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oh cool I'm already at that age where if you lose weight you don't look better, you just look weirder somehow
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The cool thing about having a video go viral is that close friends who have had podcasts for years have finally asked me to be a guest
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