Dr. Jeremy Swist
@MetalClassicist
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Classicist at Miami U | Late antiquity & reception in Metal | he/him | “Julian Augustus: Platonism, Myth & the Refounding of Rome" under contract @OxUniPress
Oxford, OH
Joined November 2016
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I’ve sat on this news long enough. Proposal & full manuscript submitted back in May passed peer review & the editorial board. Finally got the contract.
I will publish my first book, “Julian Augustus: Platonism, Myth, & the Refounding of Rome,” with Oxford University Press.
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What better way to determine Cleopatra’s true appearance than basing it on a sculpture that was made in *checks notes* 1877 CE.
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I’m in a British supermarket for the first time. There is literally an aisle of Indian food made for white people next to an aisle with Indian food for actual Indian people.
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A student drew this on their exam and it’s going to haunt me for a while.
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Me: why would Oedipus blind himself?
Student: sometimes when I am unhappy I simply remove my glasses so I do not see.
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I sat down by the temple of Hephaestus AND A KITTY CAME AND SAT ON MY LAP
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You want me to go to work today? The thing that got Caesar killed?
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I came this close to making "Nobody blinded Polyphemus" a true/false question on my Myth exam, with either answer acceptable.
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It just occurred to me that Perseus is looking at Medusa's head in this statue and my brain just exploded a little.
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If you're still confused why today so many women who have been assaulted are still not believed, there are people who refuse to believe me, a white male with a PhD in Classics, for saying that Medusa was raped.
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Greek tragedies, summarized:
Bacchae: Fuck around & find out
Persians: Fuck with Greece & find out
Oedipus Rex: Fuck your mom & find out
Medea: Fuck another woman & find out
Antigone: Fuck tradition & find out
Orestes: fuck with the audiences' expectations & find out
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One of my Myth students calculated the minimum number of times Odysseus cheated on Penelope: 6,573
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CW: sexual harassment
The creator of The History of Ancient Greece podcast announced yesterday that he’ll resume production of episodes.
He has harassed multiple women, and his misdemeanors are well documented.
There are other podcasts on Greece out there you can listen to.
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My nephew just asked me if Constantine was a good emperor. At Christmas dinner. In front of my whole family.
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My friend and once again colleague Steve Tuck had me over for dinner the other night. I went to wash my hands and came out knowing how to decipher hieroglyphs.
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Student: “are you familiar with meme culture?”
Me: “I’m a millennial. I was there when the first LOLcat had a cheezburger.”
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I really don't see the big deal in abandoning the exclusionary label "Classics." I think adopting a more inclusive & interdisciplinary "Ancient Mediterranean Studies," with departments made up of scholars under that wider umbrella, seems to me perfectly reasonable & realistic.
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Repeat after me:
PhD students are valid authorities in their respective fields of study and should be respected as such.
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The citizens of Constantinople in 941.
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Instead of working I spent the past couple hours tallying up the number of times a Roman emperor is mentioned in the lyrics or title to a Metal song, according to what's available in the Encyclopedia Metallum. Here's the results. In include here only those mentioned more than 2x.
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45 has been banned from Twitter, or as we antiquity scholars call it, Damnatio Tweetoriae.
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Some of these marble statue accounts seem forgetful or unaware that Dante puts Odysseus (aka Ulysses) in Hell, & not among the virtuous pagans in Limbo. Odysseus is literally burning alive for eternity in the 8th bolgia of the 8th circle of Hell, for being a fraudulent counselor.
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A student misspelled Suetonius as Serotonius and he’s now my favorite Latin author.
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The masculine urge to abandon and cheat on your wife for 20 years, then come home and kill all your houseguests along with the enslaved women who slept with them.
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*laughs malevolently in ancient Greek*
Teaching articolo determinativo tomorrow, which means I get to use one of my favorite language learning memes.
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IT HAPPENED AGAIN
I CAME TO ITALY AND SILVIO BERLUSCONI DIED
I visit the UK last summer and Boris Johnson resigns.
I visit Canada this summer and the country is literally on fire.
I bring chaos wherever I go.
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Introduced Roman religion & society in my Myth class today.
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The CDC now recommends you wait till you’re halfway out of the underworld before checking if your spouse is still behind you.
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If I reach 3,000 followers I will translate Iron Maiden's "Alexander the Great" into ancient Greek and record myself singing it.
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Every time this Gal Gadot discourse happens I have the same response. We don’t need another Cleopatra take. There’s so many other fascinating women from antiquity whose stories could be told, e.g. Hatshepsut, Dido, Arsinoë II, Boudicca, Julia Domna, Zenobia, Galla Placidia…
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I FINALLY FOUND THAT ILLUSTRATION OF APPIUS CLAUDIUS & THE SACRED CHICKENS
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Bene gessero
Bene gesseris
Bene gesserit
Bene gesserimus
Bene gesseritis
Bene gesserint
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I'm a man of my word. I present to the world my translation & performance of
@IronMaiden
's masterpiece "Alexander the Great" in ancient Greek.
Watch here:
I hope to one day revise & re-record this with a better singer & audio engineer. Get in touch!
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My whole time in Italy while it was in the 30s C/90s F the coolest places I was in without modern AC were literally the 2,000-year-old houses in Herculaneum.
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Medea driving away on her solar dragon chariot at the end of her play by Euripides.
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I can never unsee or unhear Athena jumping out of Zeus’ skull like Super Mario.
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Important personal milestone: today marks three years of sobriety.
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This is a nice & useful diagram, but the title “Roman house” implies that this is what the majority of Romans lived in. Call it a “Roman aristocrat’s house” & suddenly you shift the perspective away from centering as “normal” the experience of a tiny elite.
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What's your first tweet when you search for "fuck" in your page?
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Got some big news to share, folks. This summer I’ll be returning to the very place of my birth, Waltham, Massachusetts, to work at Brandeis University as a Lecturer in the Department of Classics! IM COMING HOME BABY
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"All translations are my own" is the Classics equivalent of "I do my own stunts."
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Because when Caesar was captured by pirates he demanded to be sold for a higher ransom than they originally demanded.
Why, when a meal comes with a side salad, is there so often an upcharge to have a Caesar instead of a house salad? There are fewer ingredients!
I think it might be a scam.
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My students just asked me why the Romans used the word "lupa" for prostitute, but were not prepared to hear me compare it to the word "cougar" in English.
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Because I no longer care how ridiculous I look or sound doing anything in public, here’s a recording of me delivering the first few lines of Aeschylus’ Agamemnon at the Theatre of Dionysus, followed by a clunky off the cuff translation.
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Good news! I can officially announce that I have been offered a second year of employment as a lecturer in the Department of Classical Studies at Brandeis.
This fall I look forward to teaching Classical Myth, Intermediate Latin, and an advanced Latin seminar on Ovid's Heroides.
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The Third-Century Crisis was so bad they built a second Colosseum next to the first one.
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Seems like as good a time as any to remind Classics teachers never to do master-slave role play activities in their classrooms.
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I asked for what mood a verb was on a Latin quiz and a student wrote "sad ☹️"
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One of my Latin students kept translating “Catilina” as “Caitlin” on their test.
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My Greek drama students ended class today debating what was creepier: Leo DiCaprio and his current girlfriend, or Oedipus and his mom.
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Are you a Byzantinist who’s having a baby? Here are some nice Byzantine names for your child:
Porphyrogenetos
Bulgaroktonos
Pogonatos
Makrembolitissa
Methysos
Palaiologina
Monomachos
Palaphates
Dekapolitissa
Kopronymos
Karbonopsina
Parapinakes
Rhinotmetos
Are you an archaeologist who's having a baby? Here are some nice archaeological names for your child:
Göbeklitepe
LinearB
Flint
Stratigraphy
Megalith
Lekythos
Levallois
Processual
Radiocarbon
Trowel
Geofact
Stylobate
Theodolite
Neutron Activation Analysis
🏺
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I hear so much about the need for history to "demystify the past" or "debunk myths" or "stop romanticising" a particular society or to "stop glorifying" a particular individual.
This is horrible for teaching young people. It's basically saying this:
"Real life is boring and
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This is even better when you realize the etymological meaning of the name Barbie is literally “barbarian (feminine).”
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Myth student today: "Why didn't Paris just cut the apple into thirds and given each goddess a piece?"
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This is my final week of teaching a an entire study-abroad course on Roman cities here in Italy, so I'll be showing this to my students today so they can point out of everything wrong with it.
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Guess who just dedicated a tuft of his cat Athena’s hair on the Acropolis.
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Finally, some German classical scholarship at my reading level.
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If you see anyone identifying as “Hyperborean,” that’s a racist dogwhistle the size of a pipe organ.
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In Greek class today I caught myself saying "I'm not just going to give you the answer I'm trying to Socratease it out of you," and I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
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In Athens near the Roman Agora is a gift shop called Aeolus. But instead of leaving the store with a bag of winds, you leave it with a bag of
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Deluding myself into thinking that if I write comments in ancient Greek on my students’ Myth exams they might actually sign up for it.
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Athens was a drinking town with a philosophy problem.
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Latin sentence: mīlitēs Graecī in equō occultantur.
Student: The Greek soldiers in the horse are practicing witchcraft.
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My aversion to April Fool's Day pranks is being seriously challenged by Metal Archives replacing every single band photo with cats today. Look up any band and there's a different cat picture:
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Every time this podcaster tries to come slithering back we must remind/inform people that he sexually harassed several women scholars, for which there is ample testimony, and evidence.
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What's a good equivalent of "fuck the police" in ancient Greek?
How about ῥαφανιδωθήτω ἡ κρυπτεία (rhaphanidōthētō hē krypteia).
Literally, "let the organization designed to terrorize racial underclasses be publicly humiliated by getting radishes shoved up their asses."
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All the different ways my students translated βαβαί on their midterm for my Julian seminar:
Oh jeez
Damn
Wow
Oh shit
Good heavens
Yikes
Oh my
Bless me
Hey now
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"Let's use AI to make a realistic reconstruction of ancient Carthage!"
The "realistic" reconstruction:
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Nude woman climbing into a basket full of dicks.
Attic red-figure pelikē, 480-475 BCE, found in Gela.
Seen at the Museo Archeologico Regionale Paolo Orsi in Syracuse, Sicily.
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Today I learned that the Italian word for a docent in a museum etc. is a “Cicerone” and that the phrase for doing their job is “fare da Cicerone” literally “act like Cicero.”
As a classicist with an active imagination this amuses me greatly.
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Me: the word “alarm” comes from the Italian “all’arme” which derives from the Latin “ad arma.”
Student: so every morning I’m summoned to fight against the inevitable march of time.
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Unsurprisingly, the comments on this tweet are starting to resemble those on the original FB post.
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The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
You’re on a first date with someone, and they tell you the name of their favorite book. You immediately leave. What’s the book?
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