Kate is home
@Kateness8
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I’m doing amazing, sweetie • she/her • as seen on buzzfeed that one time • Reese’s Goblin • wishlist:
In the Tacoma Aroma
Joined February 2015
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Pinned Tweet
When Shrek gets angry, it’s often just an Ogreaction
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Anxiety is fun because you get to be nervous for things you’ve totally done before
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One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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if my name was Steve I would say “good Stevening” every night
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My hot take is that America has too many storage facilities. We just need to have less stuff
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For dinner I want a baked potato with a side of mashed potatoes and some potato salad and fries
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@AliceRHamilton
I just talked with my mom about getting rid of guns and she brought up how people can “steal $900 worth of stuff and just walk right out”
I pointed out that’s not the conversation right now. But it’s always “but what about this”
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Menfolk, I have a question
What’s a good way to give you compliments without seeming like I’m hitting on you?
I like giving compliments but I want us both to feel comfortable
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
- Geosh
- Georemy
- Geonathan
- Geonnifer
- Geacob
- Jreg
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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I’m learning Spanish so I can eavesdrop on conversations. So far I’ve heard “it was good”
I’ll keep you updated
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@FredTaming
A couple of these women could just be out living their lives, wearing what they want to wear. Like those last two? It definitely could just be a hot day lol
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Opening a store just for soup bases and calling it The Stock Market
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Shut it down, we’ve found the answer
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“There’s no place in America for this kind of violence”
Bro this is classic American gun violence
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It’s so funny meeting adults and then realizing you’re probably the same age
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Hi friends
I could use some love and encouragement right now, I’m not doing well mentally
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There was literally a guy that was too sexy for his shirt and we just danced as he asked for help
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I really hope Shaquille O’Neal signs all of his letters with
Love shack baby,
Love,
Shaq
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Rice Krispie treat people the way you want to be Rice Krispie treated
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We had to put my dog to sleep yesterday. Send paws and hairs ❤️
(for real though, send dog pics or tweets or something)
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Grilled cheese is still good without tomato soup. But tomato soup is pointless without grilled cheese
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If baby cats had a job and they left they would be called quittens
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Deleting my dating apps to find my man the old fashioned way, on Twitter
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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole
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Off-brand Santa’s reindeer:
Flasher
Chancer
Cancer
Nixon
Vomit
Stupid
Dinner
Batman
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Tip for dating me:
Don’t ever buy me roses. They’re expensive and I’d rather just have the cash, dude. Hand over the wallet and nobody gets hurt. Phone too. Empty your pockets. This is a mugging now.
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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Darth Vader strolls in to the cantina, all eyes on him
He walks to the jukebox, presses a button, and turns to face the crowd
“I’ve Got Friends in Low Places” comes on and everyone cheers
“More like Garth Vader” he whispers to himself, finally free
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@CanIGetSumHead
Oh gosh so it’s possible some of those dudes never knew I liked them? I thought they just didn’t like me back. They probably just didn’t like me back. I’m sure that’s it.
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My internet went out last night so I decided to just go to bed, like it was 1999
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Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
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Please sign my petition to make the plural of “penis” into “peenies”
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Can’t wait for “LIVED, LAUGHED, LOVED” to start showing up on headstones
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Will American pens work in England or will they write on the wrong side of the paper?
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Reasons for being admitted to the mental hospital 1864-1889
Tag yourself! I’m “Seduction & Disappointment”
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
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I was fired from Twitter this morning. I was responsible for those little bits of joy you feel sometimes when you’re here
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It’s always “is Pepsi ok?” But never “how is Dr Pepper doing emotionally?”
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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Yeah I’m into DEI
Diversity
Equity
Inclusion
It’s not a joke, these are good things
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Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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I also got a new shirt that day, and ended up wearing it to dinner because I had an unfortunate soap dispenser accident all over my other shirt
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my hair: we look cute today
me: so cute
my hair: we’re never doing this exact thing again
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Spell your name like you were born in the last decade
I’m Khayte
No you go
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Since I started dating a few months ago I’ve been:
-suddenly dumped
-just friends
-ghosted
-lied to
What else do I need for a BINGO?
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@sentientgrape
@AliceRHamilton
She wants them to go to prison
I want them to have food and shelter and care enough that they don’t feel desperate enough to steal things
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Just shaving the parts of my legs that are visible through the holes in my jeans
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Personally I like it when a man snores because it means he’s comfortable and sleeping and I can look through his wallet for cash
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Maybe the real American Horror Story was the one we made along the way
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People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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stages of eating a banana:
- oh hey a banana
- it’s so sweet
- so easy to chew
- I like bananas
- oh god I’m only halfway done
- how big is this banana
- I’m so bored
- will this ever end
- one bite left
- I’m throwing it away now
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If you’ve got gray in your hair I just assume you’ve seen The Princess Bride already
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I got a piece of sand in my blister and it healed over it. What if it dislodges and gets into my bloodstream and goes to my head? Is that how Jimmy Buffet fans are made?
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Twitter is basically:
- here are my political opinions
- here are my mental health issues
- now let’s talk about my butthole
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Ok I need parent advice:
When is my mom going to be grown up enough to Google things on her own?
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thinking of starting a service where I’ll make the phone calls you don’t want to make
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Wilson Phillips told me to hold on for one more day and things would go my way and you know what? I don’t think they were right
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Excuse me, this chair isn’t for sitting, it’s for clothes I don’t want to wear
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@DiabolicalSpuds
This is me with my mom about my aunt’s mental illnesses
Like chill mom, she’s going through stuff
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