Chris Garcia
@_chrisgarcia
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Stand Up Comic • Writer • Host of Scattered Podcast 🇨🇺 #sosCuba #EndAlz
Los Angeles
Joined March 2009
there’s bleak and then there’s Spirit Airlines flight back from Vegas bleak.
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looking forward to Gal Gadot’s rendition of Fuck the Police.
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Kevin McCallister spent more than $600 that weekend he was home alone.
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In 2017, Trump paid $750 in taxes. That same year undocumented immigrants paid over 27 Billion. Remind me, who’s the burden on the economy?.
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my pregnant wife is at the point that when a maskless jogger runs by she tells them they’re ugly and if they stop to ask what she said she repeats it even louder.
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if you can see their nose, they’re definitely voting no to impeach
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I wish Americans loved Mexicans as much as they love Cinco de Mayo.
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Portland’s idea of diversity is white guys that have climbed different mountains.
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what’s the best live stand up comedy moment you’ve ever witnessed?.
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I think we should give at least half of our police budgets to the brave flights attendants of spirit airlines.
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my dad died on Super Bowl Sunday four years ago and as fate would have it, we brought home our baby daughter from the hospital today. shout out to stupid Tom Brady for being with me for life’s big moments ❤️.
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having a baby is a lot like stand up comedy. I love it more than anything and it’s destroying my life.
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crazy how the democrats are trying to steal the election by counting all the ballots.
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meanest prank I’ve ever pulled: when I lived in SF I called a fellow local comedian at his work (Chevys), told him I was an exec from Comedy Central, and asked if he wanted to fly down to Los Angeles and work at the Chevys there.
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it says so much about the rest of us that we don’t go around hate criming white people all the time.
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I can’t believe Alexi Lalas is just gonna sit there all serious in a suit like we don’t remember he spent his pro career looking like a door to door bongo salesman.
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why would I even try to determine whether or not Speedy Gonzales is offensive when I can have a white person decide for me.
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there’s a man unironically wearing a bang bus t-shirt and at least three people playing music off their phones.
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if I don’t like your Instagram post today it’s because I don’t think your mom did a good job.
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Matt Gaetz and my college girlfriend have a lot in common. They both got caught cheating on a twenty year old Cuban boy.
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if saying Happy Holidays is an attack on Christmas then why isn’t saying All Lives Matter an attack on black people?.
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is this a hoax? is he going to use this to gain sympathy and show that the left is disgusting for wishing him dead? Is he gonna try to postpone the election? Is he going to “recover,” say it was no big deal, and try to reopen the economy?!?! I JUST DONT WANT TO FEEL TENSE ANYMORE.
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it’s 111 degrees in Sacramento and I don’t have a car. I’m walking half a mile to Red Lobster for an ice cold beer like I’m living in a country song.
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the people who wear face masks when they drive are the same people that take pictures with their iPads.
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thirty year old dudes posting pics of becoming an uncle like I’m supposed to be impressed. I’m Latino I’ve been an uncle since 5th grade.
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I’m trying to get a picture of it but I’m scared to get beat up but the man sitting next to me just opened his backpack and pulled out a surge protector.
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I'm in Vermont. Just saw a blonde dude with dreads rip the bass solo on "You Can Call Me Al" so hard that I put a down payment on a Subaru.
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it took me 14 years, but tonight I’ll be making my late night network comedy debut! . never give up, gang 👍🏼👍🏽👍🏾👍🏿.
This week on the #LateLateShow. 🅜🅞🅝🅓🅐🅨.@JessicaBiel, @nlyonne & @_chrisgarcia. 🅣🅤🅔🅢🅓🅐🅨.@HillaryClinton & @ChelseaClinton. 🅦🅔🅓🅝🅔🅢🅓🅐🅨.Zach Woods & @wizkhalifa. 🅣🅗🅤🅡🅢🅓🅐🅨.@paulfeig, Jane Karakowski & @CHVRCHES.
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I love the people that are like “I have no idea how I got it. I only go to the store once a week and rented a house in Palm Springs with 47 of my closest friends”.
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funny how All Lives Matter people will only say Merry Christmas.
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I appreciate all Cinco de Mayo booking requests, but if you really wanna celebrate the holiday correctly, don’t book a CUBAN COMEDIAN. book a white guy in a sombrero.
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if Venice Beach boardwalk is.closed, where am I supposed to buy a painting of Jim Morrison with his arm around an alien smoking weed in a Raiders jersey?.
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looks like our plate tectonic gender reveal party was a success. it’s a girl!.
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if you love your dad so much where’s your critically acclaimed podcast about him?.
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who is the most underrated guitar player of all time?. I’ll go first: Neil Young. completely singular style. his acoustic picking & palm muting are soulful and effortless. his electric chugga chugga and lyrical solos always fit perfectly. Plus he’s the king of the E-minor.
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I just found a broken ukelele and a toy xylophone next to a dumpster if anybody needs me to score an independent film.
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I love Queer Eye but why is it up to the fab five to go to the south and prove that gay men are good people? shouldn’t it be the other way around?.
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this is a great day to remind my MAGA loving cousin who hates socialism that he lived with my family rent free for two years and still owes us $500.
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just checked in with my family in Cuba and they were like ‘bitch we were born ready for this’.
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my daughter will be half Cuban and half Scandinavian. she’s either gonna be a supermodel or a food truck.
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Joe Exotic is so over the top that we’ve all just casually ignored the ponytail wearing, monkey training, sex cult leading white guy who goes by the name ‘Bhagavan’.
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In conclusion, Spirit air from Vegas to Burbank is the 36 minute flight that feels like a twenty year sentence (which tracks because of all the face tattoos).
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love when white people complain about fireworks in a neighborhood they gentrified. gives me life.
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for the love of god just concede so we don’t have to live through this boomer open mic anymore
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Shout out to everyone getting by without their dads today. It’s a complicated day for me. While I love being a dad, I still miss mine every day and it sucks. That’s why I’m teaming up with The Container Store™️ to put those feelings back in a box to unpack on a less emotional day.
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I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% washing dishes every fucking minute of the day!.
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my mom is 76 and just started using emojis. she ends every text with "💋 Amen" like she's sexting with Jesus.
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I don’t come from money so when my dad died I inherited my mom.
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you don’t hate LA, you hate the weird losers that move here to make it.
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re-watching Friends and so far my favorite episode is “The One Where They Arrest The Cops Who Killed Breonna Taylor”.
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this morning I told myself that I was gonna do 100 sit ups, 100 push ups, and a 100 squats. so far I’ve eaten three breakfasts.
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my mom just said that my dad (who died three years ago) invented coronavirus so she wouldn’t be able to go outside and find a new husband.
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my mom has been pressuring my wife and I have a baby for YEARS. today I told that we're having a girl and she said "I wanted a boy".
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ok but in their defense, where would they find another Latina actress in Los Angeles?.
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hilarious that the dumbasses replying, “the time I interrupted so and so and it got awkward” are doing the same this on this thread.
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proud of my mom for getting vaccinated. people at church told her it was the mark of the beast and she decided to go ahead and dance with the devil.
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hey white people protesting in Highland Park, before you pat yourselves on the back too much consider what you’ve done to the families that used to live in the neighborhood.
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some nice news.
Chris Garcia & Kevin Hench Immigrant-Family Comedy In Works At NBC
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on this day two years ago we scattered my dad’s ashes. today I introduced him to his granddaughter on her first trip to the beach. I did not cry. narrator: he cried.
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My dad died 6 days after this set. On my new podcast "Scattered" I set out to uncover the truth about my dad, a man who survived Castro’s labor camps only to lose his way in search of the American dream. It comes out 10/23. Subscribe: #ScatteredPodcast
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he stands like when you’d put GI Joe’s legs on backwards.
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tell your friends and family you love them nonstop all the time who cares if it’s corny and annoying. life is short just do it.
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the leader of the Proud Boys is Afro-Cuban, which means there are more Latinos in positions of power in a white supremacist group than in tv writers rooms.
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I know exactly who needs to hear this. if you’re not Latino don’t call me “amigo”.
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crazy how this guy i once saw do a bump off of a scooter handle is an expert on the second Chechen war.
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last night I had a dream that Elvira made a special appearance on the Sopranos and when Tony saw her boobs he said, “get a load of those spookie things”.
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if every UCB student had moved back home we would have won this election in a landslide.
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My dad died of Alzheimer’s on Super Bowl Sunday 2017. I’ve hated the event ever since! In an effort to do something positive w this difficult day, I’m going to donate $100 for every touchdown scored to the @alzassociation in my dad’s name. Go Niners! #EndAlz #AGoodGame #PapiBowl
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So, like, what other amendments written by slave owners are you into?.
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watching the Night Stalker documentary on Netflix and according to this police sketch the prime suspect was. Lou Reed.
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@jarengeorge nah, southwest cancelled my original flight and switched me to a flight w a layover in San Jose so I cancelled it and bought a $60 flight on spirit last night. my biggest gamble of the weekend.
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last night, a dude offered me a ride to my show, I said no. then he offered to walk me to my show, I said no. he waited for me in the lobby of my hotel. I ducked out and avoided him. at the show, he told me I was hard to get ahold of. being a woman must be a nightmare.
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and if you’re Cuban-American and light-skinned like me, talk to your family about what’s going on right now. we need to support our black community because we’ve directly benefited from the racism forced upon them in this country.
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excited for Crazy Rich Asians, fingers crossed for Manic Well-to-do Hispanics.
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I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole election thing was a plot to give people the power to vote corrupt autocrats out of office.
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"Somebody murdered me in this house 50 years ago, so now I'm gonna slam a door in another room!" - Ghosts.
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calling it now: Andrew Yang will host SNL, Elon Musk will run for President, Joe Rogan’s forehead veins will take over Jeopardy.
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my mom’s friend from church isn’t getting vaccinated because she thinks it’s mind control. her friend from CHURCH. where people read from the same book, sing songs in unison, and listen to some dude yell instructions every week.
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the WALTER MERCADO documentary is out on Netflix!For the uninitiated, Walter is a legendary Puerto Rican astrologer w the flair of a thousand Liberace’s and a love deeper than a Miami v-neck. made by Latinx creators who fought for years to tell his story. Amazing! #MuchoMuchoAmor
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I emailed a booker about doing a show. they said they were “huge fans but needed to see a clip” so I sent them my half hour.
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reply with your favorite IPA and I’ll tell you how far you can fling a Dave Matthews CD like a frisbee.
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Both @KarenKilgariff and I lost a parent to Alzheimer’s. In this bonus episode of #scatteredpodcast Karen talks to me about caring for her mom and how Alzheimer’s is like “Jaws”. I loved this conversation and I think you will, too.
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I’ve been a lot happier since I stopped thinking of it as “fluctuating in weight” and started thinking of it as “shape shifting.” I didn’t lose ten pounds and gain back twenty. I transformed myself through superhuman powers.
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if the umami burger on sunset can keep going, so can you 💪.
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four years cigarette-free. do I miss it? all the time. am I glad I stopped? not really. but yeah ok I wanna live a long time so I'm sticking to it
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Cuban Trumpers must be so pissed that Fidel was way better at orchestrating coups.
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Pen15 really captures the imagination, the emotions, and the devastation of middle school. only three episodes into the new season and I’m blown away by how seamlessly they veer from silly to heartbreaking and back. what a special show.
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I love how white people can’t handle certain spicy foods but when it comes to horseradish they’re willing to blast out their sinuses like John Belushi with two days to go.
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It’s my birthday today so please help me get to 10,000 followers. This is the saddest thing I’ve done since reach middle age.
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