Still here, but also [email protected]
@LaurenFlans
Followers
10,390
Following
3,444
Media
9,031
Statuses
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Hortense on S2 of Another Period. S5-S7 of Wild 'N Out. Pierro is my pup. @ComingOutPod is my pod. I can't stop using semicolons. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Los Angeles, CA
Joined March 2012
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Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
jesus fucking christ emily you had ONE job
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the orphan i adopted sucks at chess fml 🙄
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sorry straight women but it's super messed up to kiss a guy at midnight i mean it's New Year's Eve not New Year's Steve
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oh fuck i just flushed 2 hello kitty trapper keepers & an eating disorder caused by impossible cultural standards down the toilet pls advise
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It's legitimately rude of Brie Larson not to be at least bisexual.
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I would be remiss if I didnt point out that Murkowski & Collins are the *true* heroes for doing the right thing FROM THE BEGINNING. ♀️💁💪(👯)
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@baddestmamajama
Bless him 🙏 This is the kind of spectacular obliviousness I thought only existed amongst queer women.
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@wyntermitchell
Not to mention him hosting the Puppy Bowl (THE PUPPY BOWL) with Martha Stewart (MARTHA STEWART) for the second year in a row 🙃🙃🙃
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@AlannaBennett
Noticed Rachel McAdams' dogs before I noticed her, which - if you know me - is INSANE
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@GrantGinder
hm interesting i've always heard it's only actually gay if it's from the Gay region of France; otherwise it's sparkling queer
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@ellorysmith
Sounds just like my therapist (shout-out to Patti). She has never gotten a single pop culture reference that I have ever made, and I fucking love it. I once had to explain to her that Blake Lively was "a famous person." Exactly what I want in a mental health professional ❤️
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Paul Haggis, sitting alone in his house, staring at his two Oscars for Crash as police sirens blare in the distance; muttering despondently under his breath, "But I thought...but I thought I 𝒇𝒊𝒙𝒆𝒅 it..."
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It's honestly really rude in The Fugitive when Tommy Lee Jones tells Harrison Ford that he doesn't care if he killed his wife. Like, dude, even if that's true, it's CLEARLY super-important to him. Just pretend or something; God.
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@hellolanemoore
LITERALLY said to my therapist today, "It feels like we're being gaslit." Said it during a phone session, because A KILLER FUCKING VIRUS STILL EXISTS.
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Heads up, lesbians: we gotta change our punchline.
Reminder: Lowe’s just donated 25 million to help minority owned businesses reopen. Home Depot founder donated 7 mil to Trump. Go to Lowe’s.
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i mean i feel like a lot of us have been waiting on this sophia bush news for a whhhhhhile and not even because she kept kissing girls in movies/tv shows but more because you can't realistically have a voice like that and not be kinda gay like sorry that's literally just science
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@Alanstarzinski
live in a ranch-style they were supposed to make enough money playing chess for me to move to a split-level 🤦🏻♀️
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No idea if stuff like this is effective, but I'm on this goddamn site too much as it is! Setting an alarm for 5pm PT/8pm ET to remind me not to open Twitter for at least an hour while two of the most aggressively-stupid men in history are having a conversation 🙂
#TwitterBlackout
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Thank you for enjoying this tweet about my extremely average orphan. A Black-led community organization is trying to stop the sale of the BaldwIn Crenshaw mall in LA to a Trump/Kushner developer, and instead purchase it in a community trust ❤️ Sign please!
🗣 Crenshaw community needs YOUR HELP & VOICE RIGHT NOW! There are just a few days to stop the sale of
#CrenshawMall
to Trump-Kushner-LivWrk.
SIGN NOW: share & send directly to 5 friends!
FOLLOW:
@DTCrenshaw
#DowntownCrenshaw
#40AcresAndAMall
#BLMLA
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@SamuelSaulsbury
If you don't know who the Polonious is in your group of friends...you're probably the Polonious 😬
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wow disney thanks a lot for this woke she-hulk crap now i gotta explain to my children that WOMEN can be LAWYERS?!?
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The police are a fucking terrorist organization. May the officers who did this rot in hell. Cowards.
#SeanMonterrosa
#JusticeForSean
#JustinHowell
#HisNameIsJustinHowell
#DefundThePolice
#8cantwait
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nooo don't go into quarantine ur so sexy aha
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If anyone is wondering what aging is like, I just tried a new brand of seltzer for the first time and said "Mm! Yummy!" out loud to myself 😏
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I'm fortunate enough to be in *so* many COVID-conscious spaces (both virtual and IRL) that I honestly thought I already knew of all the remaining COVID-conscious people. The "y'all masking?" trend has blown my mind and warmed my heart! There are more of us than I EVER imagined!!
y'all masking? (feat. stoggles + pierro)
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#ChristopherBooker
is still missing. There are racists lynching Black people right now, and their hangings are being dismissed as "suicides." Another Black man was found hanging from a tree in NYC, making three incidents in TEN DAYS. These aren't suicides.
#FindChristopherBooker
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There are currently 4 celebrity couples holding this country together. They are: Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson, John Legend & Chrissy Teigen, Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard, and Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds. If more than 2 of these couples break up, America will not recover. This is fact.
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why does my dog look like an appalled butler in a british sitcom
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I found this really powerful.
came in restroom to get ready for news. Young woman crying. She was not expecting media but shared...
#Debates2016
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This was the greatest night on Twitter since covfefe, which was the first truly great night since the election. WE MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
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(sorry i just saw that commercial again where she drives the car)
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I'm not opposed to optimism as a general concept, but - even on the very off chance that he *does* get impeached - do people genuinely not remember that, within RECENT HISTORY, Bill Clinton WAS impeached & nothing happened? I'm completely baffled as to what people are expecting.
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wait; do we have to publicly declare now if we will NOT adopt your baby? bc i will absolutely not adopt your baby. with all due respect, keep your baby the fuck away from me; i do not want it
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God.
Jacob Blake’s sister: ‘I’m not sad. I’m not sorry. I’m angry. And I’m tired. I haven’t cried one time. I stopped crying years ago. I am numb. I have been watching police murder people that look like me for years.’ (warning: distressing)
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Unbelievably epic move on Betty White's part. Get in one final bit about Ryan Reynolds wanting to bone you, and then peace the fuck OUT on the last day of this shitstorm of a year. Well-played and God bless! 💞
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cool do you have a picture of it
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I have read
the Glenn Greenwald tweets
that are going around
this hellsite
and which I feel
I should probably comment on
because I host
a queer podcast
Forgive me
they were so stupid
and I do not have excess energy
because I am using it to actually serve the queer community
🙏
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Did you know that you can vote for Joe Biden and still tell your friends/Twitter/literally everybody that you DIDN'T vote for Joe Biden?! Please consider this very sensible option!
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@VeryBadLlama
This is why I ultimately stopped watching the Unsolved Mysteries reboot. By Season 2, they had already gone through most of the *actual*mysteries, and so 20 minutes into every other episode, it would just be the police doing the most incompetent, negligent thing imaginable 🙃
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love to stress about something for months, finally take care of it in under ten minutes, and ultimately learn nothing from the experience 😎
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@JoeyMoser83
Smash was like a docuseries about how Katharine McPhee would not make a good Marilyn Monroe.
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these would 100% be pierro's school pictures if he were a middle schooler also do not open the schools yet you fucking psychopaths thousands of ppl are going 2 die 😘
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@SamGreszes
Omg: I also went out with this woman, and it was BAD. Same thing where it seemed like everything was going well; then near the end of dinner, I said I'd had a really nice time and would love to see more of her, and she fucking TOOK OFF HER PANTS?? IN THE RESTAURANT? Mortifying 😖
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i have had this in my drafts folder for days
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@theBrianaMills
This is truly one of the most grotesque things that's happened during this time: the acknowledgement that it is 100% possible to make just about everything (including most jobs!) fully-accessible, but that people simply "don't wanna." With, like, ZERO shame or even explanation.
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@baddestmamajama
Most people living with a chronic illness that is even REMOTELY outside of the norm unequivocally know more about their condition than most doctors. It is widely known within the chronic illness community that chat boards, reddit, etc. are infinitely more useful than "the pros."
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@notfolu
Thought this was David Schwimmer and Leisha Hailey with ONE HUNDRED PERCENT certainty.
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u guys stop making fun of elon musk he's literally neurodivergent and a miner
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@MaraWilson
Oh, God! All this time, I've been *so* judgmental and eye roll-y about Astrology Girlfriends, and yet this is the first time I'm realizing...I'm the Murder Girlfriend 😔
#knowthyself
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y'all masking? (feat. stoggles + pierro)
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I hope that every white person who comes across this tweet watches the video below, because we all need to understand that we can never actually understand. I don't mean that we can't or shouldn't help (we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO); I just mean that we can literally never understand.
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I mean, yeah; are you serious? That would be a fucking amazing sign. I would *definitely* prefer that.
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got a new phone and had to make sure the camera worked 📸👀
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While I am certain I will regret this, for now, I bask in glory.
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@SaraJBenincasa
He is the LOVELIEST man! Treats absolutely everyone with the same kindness and interest, and when I saw him at the Boom reunion in Amsterdam last summer, he literally talked to me about a tweet of mine he remembered from SEVERAL YEARS BACK WUT
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holy shit i just answered a call that said "scam likely" and it was a guy asking me if i wanted to take over ellen's show?? he said they're just going down a list and calling every lesbian in alphabetical order??? anyone have any intel on this? i told him i had to think about it
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Can't wait til we're all
#vaccinated
so I can FINALLY pop my vagina into another woman's vagina again!!!!!!! 😃🙃😃
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Finally had a tweet go viral that is so short and specific, it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to misinterpret. Cannot tell you how nice it is to just have people reply "😂😂" instead of telling me I am an offensive piece of shit because they lack reading comprehension skills. Big fan!!
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V IMPORTANT TONIGHT I MET THREE DOGS WHO ALL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE A WHOLE NOTHER BED
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just heard a knock on my door and i opened it bc i'm expecting a package but instead of ups it was matt damon asking me if he can still say "girl f*ggot" he looked scared like he hadn't slept in days i closed the door but now he's just lying down in my hallway??
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sucks that we're getting the bad part of dirty dancing (abortion illegal) and none of the good (patrick swayze & jerry orbach still alive)
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@thesarahyork
Learning that Paula Cole is not a quazillionaire from "I Don't Want to Wait" makes me want to burn everything in the world down multiple times in a row 🙂
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Walk up to the club like "Hey, where did you guys park? I think I'm okay where I am, but the signs were really confusing."
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I work hard. I play harder. I chill not as hard. I live hardest. I don’t get how sequential heightening works.
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@bjcolangelo
The most fucking bananas thing about it is that she was SO SURE she would be unanimously perceived to be "in the right" that she posted A FUCKING PRIVATE DM. Her whole public dragging literally NEVER EVEN HAD TO HAPPEN.
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james woods being kind to alyssa milano bc of the fires and urging his followers to do the same might genuinely be the most confusing thing that's happened in the past two years i'm literally tearing up also does this mean we can finally watch hercules again
#SoCalFiresJamesWoods
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@sarahclazarus
ummmmmmmmmmm would cut him a break for this except we were specifically instructed to never forget??
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@baddestmamajama
ONE *THOUSAND* PERCENT. I was just thinking about how an 18-year-old who grew up under a microscope is braver and more confident in her own knowledge/morality than almost all of my pre-pandemic friends. Truly impressed by her 💗
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Drew Barrymore rules and so does Ben and JLo getting married. The world is literally ending from like five different things and your government doesn't care if you live or die; grab happiness wherever you can get it, you joyless fucks 😘
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Guys, good news: my mom is okay with me still being single!! Like they say in
@usweekly
, "Stars - I'm just like THEM!!!" (cc:
@SarahKSilverman
)
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Very excited to get the $600 stimulus check so that I can pay one month's rent on a studio apartment in L.A. twenty years ago as opposed to the one bedroom apartment I live in in the current time!!! 😃
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@_lanabelle
I ABSOLUTELY got the impression that the artist felt the same way about this piece that most of us did 😌
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ummmm i literally said "respectfully"???
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Listen, I'm gonna need documentaries to throw people's names and titles back up on the screen every fifteen minutes or so, okay? Not just the first time they're on camera. You're introducing me to like twenty strangers at once; I'm not Rain Man over here. Come on. What is this?
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i miss when the biggest threat to women was the sexy hamburglar (bc he would steal ur burger *and* ur heart) 😔
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@WildNOut
There were a handful of Wild 'N Out Girls who I felt comfortable enough around (a big deal for me) to chit-chat with on set, and Jacky Oh was one of them. I remember her as always being very sweet. This is devastating news. All love to DC, their kids, and Jacky's family 💗💗💗
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Ate a pork chop in front of him on the couch and he literally stared at me like this the entire time.
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🚨 Good boy in SoCal needs a home or foster! 🚨 Ghost is a 4-yr-old pure-bred Siberian Husky 😍 My friend who's trying to keep him out of a shelter says he's "very sweet and gentle, not aggressive at all, energetic and inquisitive." For more details email huskyghost444
@gmail
.com!
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I'm not proud of this.
(jk i am)
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@afterellen
You've taken a site that used to mean so much to so many of us, and have literally defiled it with hatred and lies. This piece is FILTH. How dare you? You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
#LWithTheT
🏳️🌈
(Also, fuck you double for forcing me to write a 100% bit-free tweet 😘)
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every friday night the person who lives above me listens to music SO loud but they listen on one of those free streaming platforms that has ads and it's like yo is music really important to you or not
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Dammit; the cool lesbians on my floor moved out. Now *I* have to be the cool lesbians on my floor 😔
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